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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sfmom on October 28, 2003, at 10:21:27
My docs think that my GAD and panic disorder stem from having my own kid. To make a long story short, obviously I couldn't protect myself as a kid, I couldn't protect my best friend, and my parents couldn't protect me. And I'm scared to death of not being about to protect my daughter. I'm not just scared about sexual abuse, but fires, choking, EVERYTHING! My doc calls my daughter the light of my life and my biggest tormentor. Pretty true. How do I stop obsessing over protecting her? I lie in bed at night and go over emergency situations to practice how I'll react. Every time I smell smoke, I walk up and down the halls, call neighbors, etc. I guess since I know that I can't protect her from everything, I'm focusing too hard on the things I should be able to protect her from. Does anyone know of any resources for childhood sexual abuse survivors who are now parents? Your experiences and advice are very much appriciated. --Lyssa
Posted by Susan J on October 28, 2003, at 10:25:30
In reply to sexual abuse survivors and anxiety over our kids?, posted by sfmom on October 28, 2003, at 10:21:27
Hi, Lyssa,
I'm afraid I don't have any good advice for you, cuz I've never been through it. I do think your reactions are pretty normal, though. Well, *I* would feel that way... :-)
Just letting you know someone heard you, and you're in my thoughts...
Susan
Posted by judy1 on October 28, 2003, at 12:16:39
In reply to sexual abuse survivors and anxiety over our kids?, posted by sfmom on October 28, 2003, at 10:21:27
I'm in pretty much the same situation as you. I know my fears concerning my children stem from my childhood also so the biggest help has been therapy dealing with my own chidhood. Learning coping skills have helped me feel more in control of my present life which lessens my past life from intruding so much. I still am very overprotective of my children, but don't over react nearly as much as I used to. Are you in therapy? That is so critical- basically putting your own house in order will help you cope with what your children face. best of luck- judy
Posted by judy1 on October 28, 2003, at 12:19:47
In reply to Re: sexual abuse survivors and anxiety over our kids? » sfmom, posted by judy1 on October 28, 2003, at 12:16:39
I do notice that I am more protective of my daughter then my son- it's obvious there's some transference there, so my therapist works a lot with that.
take care, judy
Posted by sfmom on October 28, 2003, at 12:31:06
In reply to Re: sexual abuse survivors and anxiety over our kids? » sfmom, posted by judy1 on October 28, 2003, at 12:16:39
> I'm in pretty much the same situation as you. I know my fears concerning my children stem from my childhood also so the biggest help has been therapy dealing with my own chidhood. Learning coping skills have helped me feel more in control of my present life which lessens my past life from intruding so much. I still am very overprotective of my children, but don't over react nearly as much as I used to. Are you in therapy? That is so critical- basically putting your own house in order will help you cope with what your children face. best of luck- judy
Hi Judy,
Thanks for responding. I've been feeling a little alone in this although I know there must be a lot of us out there. Yes, I'm in idvidual therapy and in a panic group as well. I feel like I've been in therapy my whole life! I'm also on my 6th day of Lexapro and Klonopin, which I'm not sure is helping yet. Someone said to me once with regard to motherhood, "We can raise good men, but we can't protect our daughters." I cried for days. I'm just so sick of dealing with the childhood issues. I thought I was done with that until my daughter was born. Doc thinks her getting older may have triggered childhood PTSD. How have you learned to let go? Do meds help you? At what age did you start talking to your kids? Anything you're willing to share would really help me out, I'm feeling very alone.
Posted by sfmom on October 28, 2003, at 12:32:28
In reply to p.s. to sfmom, posted by judy1 on October 28, 2003, at 12:19:47
> I do notice that I am more protective of my daughter then my son- it's obvious there's some transference there, so my therapist works a lot with that.
> take care, judyI've heard a lot of people talk about transference. What is that?
Posted by Dinah on October 29, 2003, at 19:10:19
In reply to sexual abuse survivors and anxiety over our kids?, posted by sfmom on October 28, 2003, at 10:21:27
Hi. What you're describing sounds very OCD like to me. I went through a big phase of that after my son was born. Luvox helped me *a lot* at the time, and I'm guessing Lexapro will do the same for you. When the immediacy of the fear recedes some, it'll be easier to challenge the thoughts.
How old is your daughter? I think postpartum hormones don't help matters any, if she's very young.
Posted by sfmom on October 29, 2003, at 23:19:35
In reply to Re: sexual abuse survivors and anxiety over our kids? » sfmom, posted by Dinah on October 29, 2003, at 19:10:19
> Hi. What you're describing sounds very OCD like to me. I went through a big phase of that after my son was born. Luvox helped me *a lot* at the time, and I'm guessing Lexapro will do the same for you. When the immediacy of the fear recedes some, it'll be easier to challenge the thoughts.
>
> How old is your daughter? I think postpartum hormones don't help matters any, if she's very young.My daughter is 2 now. I did have a problem with postpartum depression but I think she's a little too old to blame all of this on hormones. What about this sounds like OCD to you? It's not something I know very much about.
Posted by Dinah on October 30, 2003, at 0:01:14
In reply to sexual abuse survivors and anxiety over our kids?, posted by sfmom on October 28, 2003, at 10:21:27
> I'm not just scared about sexual abuse, but fires, choking, EVERYTHING!
> Every time I smell smoke, I walk up and down the halls, call neighbors, etc. I guess since I know that I can't protect her from everything, I'm focusing too hard on the things I should be able to protect her from
Hi Lyssa,
Both of those statements sound like obsessions over your daughter's wellbeing and your responsibility to protect her, and compulsions to do things that will ease your anxiety. Although the anxiety usually can't be relieved for very long.
I think I'm too tired tonight to explain it very well. But I have a sort of OCD that is more obsession than compulsion and has to do with being afraid I've done something that will harm my family, or not having done something that will prevent harm to my family. And there is some compulsions to "check" things to make sure I haven't. The classic example is checking the stove or the locks on the doors.
If it sounds at all familiar, you might want to look in your library or bookstore for "the boy who couldn't stop washing". It was a real revelation to me.
I've mainly got it under control, though it pops up sometimes when I'm stressed.
Posted by femlite on November 1, 2003, at 17:14:10
In reply to Re: sexual abuse survivors and anxiety over our k » Dinah, posted by sfmom on October 29, 2003, at 23:19:35
> How old is your daughter? I think postpartum hormones don't help matters any, if she's very young.
>
> My daughter is 2 now. I did have a problem with postpartum depression but I think she's a little too old to blame all of this on hormones. What about this sounds like OCD to you? It's not something I know very much about.Dont rule out postartum yet. Some us may be more sensitve to the hormonal stress our childing bearing can stir up.
Are you breast feeding?
Do you have planns to go back to work that might be aggravating your fears.
Mine are 12 and 14 and I stll can stand them to sleep at a friends house at night. I worry a great deal.
>
>
Posted by sfmom on November 1, 2003, at 21:54:42
In reply to Re: sexual abuse survivors and anxiety over our k, posted by femlite on November 1, 2003, at 17:14:10
> > How old is your daughter? I think postpartum hormones don't help matters any, if she's very young.
> >
> > My daughter is 2 now. I did have a problem with postpartum depression but I think she's a little too old to blame all of this on hormones. What about this sounds like OCD to you? It's not something I know very much about.
>
> Dont rule out postartum yet. Some us may be more sensitve to the hormonal stress our childing bearing can stir up.
> Are you breast feeding?
> Do you have planns to go back to work that might be aggravating your fears.
> Mine are 12 and 14 and I stll can stand them to sleep at a friends house at night. I worry a great deal.
> >
> >
>
I haven't been breastfeeding for 1 1/2 years. Actually, for my disability forms, my therapist catagorized my depression as postpartum. I think it's more likely that having a child out in the world has triggered my PTSD. I know of a lot of moms who don't feel safe when their kids are with other people, my problem is that I feel like my daughter is safter with the babysitter than she is with me. Not that she's in any danger with me, I just feel like other people may be better equipped to protect her. Or maybe I'm just setting myself up for the fact that something bad will eventually happen to her and if she's with someone else I won't have to blame myself. . . Not sure. Anyway, I have to sign off now to put my little girl to bed. Thanks for your help.
Posted by judy1 on November 2, 2003, at 9:54:13
In reply to Re: sexual abuse survivors and anxiety over our k » femlite, posted by sfmom on November 1, 2003, at 21:54:42
It sounds like you still feel guilt over what happened to you (when objectively you know it's NEVER a child's fault) and maybe question your own caregiver's skills. You've survived and you should be proud of that and that is the legacy you can give your kids. When I spoke about transference, it was alluding to the possibility that you've transferred your own issues onto your children- not consciously- but the fears you felt for your own safety as a child are now put on them. I did (and do) the same thing, but the best thing I can do for my children is get well myself.
take care, judy
Posted by karen_kay on November 2, 2003, at 12:23:03
In reply to Re: sexual abuse survivors and anxiety over our k » sfmom, posted by judy1 on November 2, 2003, at 9:54:13
Well, I don't know if I am intruding on this thread or not because I am kind of a child (ha) myself but this is my situation. I have been having problems with my memory and recently realized that I repressed memories of being sexually abused by my father. I only remembered a couple of situations and just yesterday while having sex with my boyfriend, which is usually a chore to me anyway started crying. I was able to play it off as having something in my eyes and started rubbing them. He doesn't know about it. I don't feel comfortable telling him yet. We've been together for 5.5 years, so I should be able to tell him but I don't want to yet because he calls me a prude sometimes, you understand how I would feel. So, I let him finish because I didn't know what else to do and I didn't want to ruin his good time and I didn't wanthinm to ask questions and Imaybe it is just a learned behavior and it was one of the worst things for me ever. I kept getting confused as to whether it was him or my dad. The problem is that I don't have a "concrete memory" of my dad actually having sex with me. My father is dead. So, is there harm in possibly believing my dad had sex with me? Is this an accurate belief? Does (or has) anyone else have this problem? I am just really confused right now.. Help. Karen
Posted by judy1 on November 2, 2003, at 14:26:19
In reply to Re: sexual abuse survivors and anxiety over our k, posted by karen_kay on November 2, 2003, at 12:23:03
usually memories of past abuse don't come as accurate memories, more like flashes that can be triggered by smells or sounds, or in your case, actually having sex. just because you've repressed a great deal doesn't mean it didn't happen- most of us had to repress memories just to survive (especially when it involves a parent). i worry that you are setting yourself up as a victim again, by 'allowing' your boyfriend to have sex with you (and not being an active and willing participant) you're reliving your past. since you don't feel comfortable discussing this with him, i sincerely hope you are able to discuss it with a therapist. until you are able to cope with your past, you won't be able to have a healthy sexual relationship in the present. i wish you all the best and please know you're not alone in this- judy
Posted by sfmom on November 2, 2003, at 15:40:57
In reply to Re: sexual abuse survivors and anxiety over our k, posted by karen_kay on November 2, 2003, at 12:23:03
I know it's a terribly difficult and scary situation you are in right now and I truly feel for you. Please seek help for yourself. I knew it was time to get back in therapy when I started remembering things that I had blocked out. It's kind of our bodies' way of letting us know we're ready to start healing. One thing that really helped me in therapy was EMDR. I'm not sure of the specifics of why or how it works but it was really useful for me. Obviously, I still have some issues, but I'm working on it. Please keep us informed. And, if and when you feel you are able, talk to your boyfriend. You have done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of.
Posted by karen_kay on November 2, 2003, at 16:16:58
In reply to Re: sexual abuse survivors and anxiety over our k » karen_kay, posted by judy1 on November 2, 2003, at 14:26:19
I actually have been in therapy for a while. I have just been really resistent to speak with him about anything that I needed to. But, for the first time I can't wait to see him. I actually called and changed my appointment for an earlier day. Thank you so much. I am just so afraid that maybe I am lying about it. I remember about a month ago, again while I was with my boyfriend my father watching me shower and a few other occassions. It justs seems like things are really familiar, rather than concrete memories. I just don't want to say anythign that is untrue, because my father always protected me from my mother. But again, thanks so very much. It helps to know that I'm not alone. And that this is semi-normal, for lack of a better word. Karen
Posted by sfmom on November 3, 2003, at 10:06:06
In reply to Re: sexual abuse survivors and anxiety over our k, posted by karen_kay on November 2, 2003, at 16:16:58
I'm really glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself and are going to talk to your therapist about these memories. You don't have to be afraid of hurting anyone else while you are talking with your therapist. Our brains do incredible things to protect us. Just because you don't have concrete memories (yet) DOES NOT mean that you are "lying." One thing I would suggest though, if you are going to talk to your therapist about this, please have a support network in place. It may be that the dam will be opened and you are going to need a safe place and caring arms to sort this all out. There are specific online support groups for incest survivors, also for adult childhood sexual abuse survivors. If you need some names and links, just ask. Good luck and please keep us posted. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Posted by sfmom on November 7, 2003, at 10:28:03
In reply to Re: sexual abuse survivors and anxiety over our k, posted by karen_kay on November 2, 2003, at 16:16:58
I just wanted to check in with you to see how you're doing. I've been thinking about you a lot. Did you talk with your therapist? Please keep us posted, we're concerned about you.
Posted by karen_kay on November 7, 2003, at 11:04:25
In reply to karen kay - how are you doing???, posted by sfmom on November 7, 2003, at 10:28:03
Thanks! I haven't been able to sleep or eat since last Saturdayand today is Friday I think. If i try to eat my stomach is in knots. I can't sleep longer than 2 hours. I just stare at my bedroom door, with the light on. When I saw my therapist, he wasn't really helpful, but I think thta is just my perception. I mean how helpful could he be? The bright side is that at least I am getting some answers. At least I know the root of a lot of my problems. And I talked to my boyfriend. I want to call my dr. say I can just get some meds to calm down for a while. I htink I'll do it today. I'm exhausted and tired of climbing the walls. Thanks a lot for the concern. It sure is appreciated! KAren
> I just wanted to check in with you to see how you're doing. I've been thinking about you a lot. Did you talk with your therapist? Please keep us posted, we're concerned about you.
Posted by sfmom on November 7, 2003, at 23:22:24
In reply to Re: karen kay - how are you doing???, posted by karen_kay on November 7, 2003, at 11:04:25
I'm sorry that your therapist wasn't really helpful. In what way wasn't he able to help you? If this isn't an area where he has some experience, it may be helpful to find someone else. I do think you need to get some rest though. If you have health insurance, I suggest calling and getting an appointment with a psychiatrist (sp?) to help with any meds you need but, most of all, to help you get emotional help. There are many, many support groups available to you. You can call your county mental health office for referrals too. I'm also really glad you talked to your boyfriend. I imagine he was pretty shocked, but was he helpful too? Are you making sure you have the support you need to deal with all of this? It may get a little bit worse before it gets better, BUT IT WILL GET BETTER! I am really, really proud of you for getting help for yourself and I will be here with you if you need any help. I'm sending you all the love and support and healing thoughts that I can. --Lyssa
Posted by karen_kay on November 8, 2003, at 8:04:25
In reply to Re: karen kay - how are you doing??? » karen_kay, posted by sfmom on November 7, 2003, at 23:22:24
Thank you very much. I do have a psychiatrist. My therapist told me before the flashbacks started that he would be there. I called him a few times last week and he didn't return all my calls. Wehn I saw him he was like " I noticed you called again" I just feel that he thinks I am a pain if I call him between sessions. Maybe it is because I feel like I'm being a pain, I don't know. I know, things will get better. I slept last night, but I dreamt about my dad all night. So, I kept waking up. My therapist does have experience in this area. I just feel a bit betrayed by him, because I think that he had a feeling this happened all along and didn't tell me. And I don't like head games. I'm just hurt. But, at least a lot of things make sense now. I'm just scared for the future when I really start to remember things and I feel that my therapist isn't there.
My boyfriend bought me flowers yesterday because he knows I haven't been doing so well. That was sweet, but that is aobut it. I can't talk to him about it. I talk to my sister aobut it. She went through some things to with my dad. It's not that I don't have support. I'm just really confused and angry and hurt. But, I know, things will get better. I'm keeping my head up. I always do! Thanks for the concern. I really do appreciate it.
I think when I see my therapist Tuesday, I going to talk to him about how I feel a little hurt by him. Is this a good idea? Maybe I should just drop it and stop acting like a child? Karen
Posted by sfmom on November 8, 2003, at 10:04:53
In reply to Re: karen kay - how are you doing???, posted by karen_kay on November 8, 2003, at 8:04:25
You are not acting like a child, you are acting like a woman who has had her childhood stolen and is brave enough to heal herself! Yes, tell your therapist that you're feeling a little betrayed by him. It is his job to support you in all aspects of your emotional life and you don't have to protect him from anything. As far as feeling like he's known something had happened to you from the beginning, that is not at all unusual. But you needed to get there on your own. It's not something you can just spring on someone who is not ready to confront it. I'm also glad that you can talk to your sister about it. She can probably be your greatest ally in the healing process. I also know of an online support group through MSN if you're interested. One of my best friends is an incest survivor and it really helped her get through the tough times. Please keep me posted on how you're doing. We're all rooting for you!
Posted by karen_kay on November 8, 2003, at 12:21:25
In reply to Re: karen kay - how are you doing??? » karen_kay, posted by sfmom on November 8, 2003, at 10:04:53
Posted by sfmom on November 9, 2003, at 19:45:21
In reply to you are so wonderful :) (nm) » sfmom, posted by karen_kay on November 8, 2003, at 12:21:25
This is the end of the thread.
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