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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Sebastian on September 7, 2003, at 17:17:24
In reply to fallsfall, posted by kara lynne on September 7, 2003, at 16:15:17
Sebastian
Posted by Sebastian on September 7, 2003, at 17:24:08
In reply to Re: Its not fun, but works for the better » kara lynne, posted by Sebastian on September 7, 2003, at 17:17:24
He doesn't sound like he's providing towards your feelings, just his.
It will probably take a while to not feel bad about the situation, since you feel like the cold hearted one. Thats how I did it in my last relationship. I'm glad to be out of it, but feel like I'm the bad one.
Sebastian
Posted by fallsfall on September 7, 2003, at 21:00:16
In reply to fallsfall, posted by kara lynne on September 7, 2003, at 16:15:17
Kara,
I'm glad that you got out of bed because I missed you. I'm sorry that you felt so lousy. If I don't see you post for 24 hours I start worrying - because it seems that when you aren't posting you aren't doing well. So, know that I (and others here) are worrying about you. Maybe that and a dish of ice cream will get you out of bed?
You said two really important things:
>>But then we went over how unhappy I was in the relationship and decided it was best that she just leave it alone.
>>I remember how unhappy I was in that relationship.
I agree with your friend that this *is* his way of trying to get back together with you. Some people are more socially adept than others.
My daughter (15) has a male friend (not a boyfriend) who did something that made her absolutely irate. Then he kept calling her asking if she was still mad, which made her even madder. A day soon after I was driving them somewhere and he was driving her crazy ("Please forgive me??? Please? Please? Please?"). Finally I told him when to be quiet (so she could cool down) and then exactly what to say (word for word). He followed my instructions and she didn't get madder. My point is that a lot of other 15 year olds would have known when to be quiet and what to say - but this one didn't.
So this may be his best attempt at getting back together with you. But before you decide whether his attempt is good enough, you need to decide whether you WANT the relationship. I know that you do in one sense (comfort, convenience, security, etc. etc). But what about what you said in your post? You were UNHAPPY with him. Even though he was filling those other needs, he was making you unhappy. You deserve better than that. So even if he knocked on your door and fell to his knees with 3 dozen roses and tickets for a cruise, and said "Kara, I love you. I love only you. I have missed you so much and I can't survive another day without you." Do you really want him back? Why would he make you happy this time? What has changed?
Don't call him. And don't let him call you.
Maybe you should ask your friend to get a message to him. You need to tell him that it is over. You are done with him. You will not ever consider getting back together.
He keeps contacting you because he thinks that you will come back. If you want him to stop contacting you he needs to know that isn't going to happen.
I understand the part of you who wants him back. I have a similar part who wants my old therapist. And some days, that part makes me sad and lonely (and a little crazy), but I know that, as much as I love her, she isn't good for me. And I have to work in MY best interest.
Pretend that I gave you a new kind of food, and this food is the very best you have ever had. You would happily give up all of your current favorites (chocolate, ice cream) for this new food. But you start to feel really yucky and you go to the doctor and he tells you that you are allergic to this new food. This breaks your heart because you really like this food. But you are feeling so sick that you can't function. What are you going to do?
Are you able to get out and socialize with some friends? I think it is important for you not to be all alone. I also think that you need to see that the world is alive, because that will make you want to be part of the world. Even if you can't find people to do anything with, go by yourself to someplace where there are people who are having fun.
I'm glad you are back posting with us.
Posted by lil' jimi on September 8, 2003, at 11:25:55
In reply to You didn't call him » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on September 7, 2003, at 21:00:16
kara kara.
don't you just LOVE la fallsfall ?
... ... and double quadruple ditto ditto everything she said !!she loves you good ..... ..... always listen to her ... ... ... she remains our High Priestess and Vigilant Warrior Defender of your Heart ...
... ... and the defender part, me too!love and gooey mushiness,
~ jimp.s. did your ear get better ?
Posted by kara lynne on September 8, 2003, at 13:12:26
In reply to never call him » fallsfall, posted by lil' jimi on September 8, 2003, at 11:25:55
Hi jimi,
Yes, my ear is better. I had an infection on the inner tragus, but I managed to heal without having to take antibiotics--always better if you can do it, I say. Just topical a.b's and eardrops and I'm good.Now if only I could HEAR better-- understand with perfect clarity that I do *not want to call him*--I would really be good.
I wish I could hear the sound of my soulmate nearing my front door...
How're you, Sir jimi?
Posted by fallsfall on September 8, 2003, at 16:19:25
In reply to never call him » fallsfall, posted by lil' jimi on September 8, 2003, at 11:25:55
Posted by lil' jimi on September 8, 2003, at 18:01:48
In reply to Re: never call him, posted by kara lynne on September 8, 2003, at 13:12:26
hello kara kara,
> Hi jimi,
> Yes, my ear is better. I had an infection on the inner tragus, but I managed to heal without having to take antibiotics--always better if you can do it, I say. Just topical a.b's and eardrops and I'm good. >i'm so glad your ear's alright ... ... you sound better to me !
> Now if only I could HEAR better-- understand with perfect clarity that I do *not want to call him*--I would really be good. >i do understand ... perfectly? ... ... well, for as good as i get ... it's clear ... ... and i am your supporter! ... ... i think you have really exercised wise restraint with excellent resolve on your part just to get you this far ...
> I wish I could hear the sound of my soulmate nearing my front door... >one is tempted to share stories from my past ... ... but which?
... next time ... ?
> How're you, Sir jimi?
pretty dang peachy dorey ... .... thanks!
~ jimmore in future episodes ..... .. !
HA!
Posted by lil' jimi on September 8, 2003, at 18:16:15
In reply to You are such a sweetie! (nm) » lil' jimi, posted by fallsfall on September 8, 2003, at 16:19:25
Posted by kara lynne on September 8, 2003, at 19:17:19
In reply to re: never call him » kara lynne, posted by lil' jimi on September 8, 2003, at 18:01:48
I am constructing a letter. It is extremely difficult, and makes me think I won't be able to survive a final separation. I will update you later. Thank you for all your support.
Posted by fallsfall on September 8, 2003, at 19:47:28
In reply to fallsfall, posted by kara lynne on September 8, 2003, at 19:17:19
Posted by lil' jimi on September 8, 2003, at 19:56:45
In reply to I'll be here waiting (((((Kara))))) (nm), posted by fallsfall on September 8, 2003, at 19:47:28
Posted by Sabina on September 10, 2003, at 3:20:25
In reply to We're all looking for KL..., posted by chicklet on September 6, 2003, at 20:29:38
Posted by chicklet on September 10, 2003, at 10:30:41
In reply to Re: I'm all, like, looking for Chicklet (nm) » chicklet, posted by Sabina on September 10, 2003, at 3:20:25
Posted by lil' jimi on September 10, 2003, at 11:39:06
In reply to Thanks Sabeaner, I'm around! (nm), posted by chicklet on September 10, 2003, at 10:30:41
Posted by lil' jimi on September 10, 2003, at 11:42:34
In reply to ROLL CALL ! ... unless you're not in the mood ... (nm), posted by lil' jimi on September 10, 2003, at 11:39:06
Posted by kara lynne on September 10, 2003, at 13:53:16
In reply to fallsfall, posted by kara lynne on September 8, 2003, at 19:17:19
Hi fallsfall,
I've been working on 'the letter'. I think it's making me physically sick--yesterday I could hardly function. I went to therapy and felt much worse about myself--I don't think that's the way it should be going and I do plan to talk to him about it next week. I realized later that the missing element is that I don't feel cared for by him--just 'let's get down to work' and then my resistence comes up because I want to feel loved first. Maybe that's stupid, but maybe I need another kind of therapy. I *don't* want to be coddled, just...seen and appreciated. Ok, this belongs on other-babble, so I'll stop here.
Posted by fallsfall on September 10, 2003, at 15:29:55
In reply to Re: fallsfall, posted by kara lynne on September 10, 2003, at 13:53:16
I answered you on the other Babble ((((Kara))))
Posted by kara lynne on September 11, 2003, at 19:06:26
In reply to Re: fallsfall » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on September 10, 2003, at 15:29:55
I'm still shaking. It's kind of long so I'm not sure whether to post it here for you to read or not. I just wanted you to know you were the impetus for my taking this step. When I first read your email my heart sank at the idea of having to make that final cut. Then I went for counseling, fully intending that the counselor agree that for the time being I could continue to do what I have been-- nothing. That had been alright because it was the only way I could protect myself from becoming involved with him again--I was too succeptible. I still feel succeptible, but I guess it was time to push forward. The counselor agreed it was time for the letter, and helped me start it. Writing it sent me back into all that abandonment again, and of course I had to confront the inevitable futility of ever working anything out with him. Although I agonized over it--and it was hardly perfect-- I finally just had to send it anyway.
Here comes the waiting for the response. I'm not sure how I want to handle that yet. I don't think I'm strong enough to delete it before reading it.
Just wanted to let you know.
Posted by fallsfall on September 11, 2003, at 22:37:33
In reply to Re: fallsfall/ I SENT the letter!, posted by kara lynne on September 11, 2003, at 19:06:26
Kara,
I've been thinking about you and wondering how you were doing.
I am **so** proud of you.
What a hard thing for you to do. Now you need to stand strong and know that you have said what is right for you and what needed to be said.
>>I had to confront the inevitable futility of ever working anything out with him.
Keep that in mind.
You are such a sweet and caring person. The world must be holding a special place for you. A place where you can be safe and happy.
YOU GO, GIRL!!!!!
I am proud of you.
P.S. If you wanted to send a copy of the letter, you can send it to Babble Fallsfall at hotmail.com
Posted by kara lynne on September 12, 2003, at 2:25:20
In reply to Re: fallsfall/ I SENT the letter! » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on September 11, 2003, at 22:37:33
Ok, but then I will be really upset that you didn't edit it for me first. And probably embarassed, but you'll just have to be forgiving.
Posted by fallsfall on September 12, 2003, at 7:07:31
In reply to Re: fallsfall/ I SENT the letter!, posted by kara lynne on September 12, 2003, at 2:25:20
It comes from your heart. It will be perfect. I only edit letters when I think the writer wants comments. You don't (except that you are very brave). That's fine. I know you worked long and hard on that letter so that it could say what you needed to say.
P.S. You don't have to send it if you don't want to.
Posted by kara lynne on September 12, 2003, at 11:51:44
In reply to Re: fallsfall/ I SENT the letter! » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on September 12, 2003, at 7:07:31
No, I want to. It's just that I keep thinking of more things I wanted to say and better ways to say what I did. Actually I would have loved for you to edit it first, but I felt like if I waited any longer I wouldn't have sent it--plus I didn't consider that I could have sent it to you first! I hate that about writing. For me it takes endless rewrites to say something well, but I don't always have the luxury of waiting for the brilliance.
Posted by fallsfall on September 12, 2003, at 14:13:19
In reply to Re: fallsfall/ I SENT the letter!, posted by kara lynne on September 12, 2003, at 11:51:44
All that matters is that you said *enough*, or even that you started a conversation in the right direction. Perfection is not needed. Humanness is needed.
Posted by kara lynne on September 13, 2003, at 14:43:11
In reply to Re: fallsfall/ I SENT the letter! » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on September 12, 2003, at 14:13:19
Hi fallsfall.
I don't know why I'm regretting sending the letter. I made the mistake of showing it to a friend yesterday who said I just sounded hurt in it. I guess she wanted me to 'sock it to him' a bit more. I did sound hurt in the letter; in fact I described exactly how hurt I was and why that would prevent me from being able to see him. Maybe it was the wrong approach, I'm not sure. Obviously he has minimized any hurt he's caused me, and I'm sure he's not about to see things any differently. And I do wish I had included a couple of more important things, but I guess I could write more if I wanted to. It's just that it takes so much blood sweat and tears.Well at least I've said something for now, I guess. At least he's not expecting me to pick up the phone and go to coffee with him anytime soon.
Big sigh.
Posted by fallsfall on September 13, 2003, at 16:52:02
In reply to fallsfall/ regret, posted by kara lynne on September 13, 2003, at 14:43:11
Kara,
You said what you wanted to say to him. That's what is important. If you want to say something else later on, then you can do that later. Nobody has to "approve" of what you say to someone else. The fact that you haven't heard from him since sending it is a really good sign. That means that you were clear that you don't want to talk to him. Wasn't that your goal? So you did well.
Eat ice cream
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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