Posted by fallsfall on September 7, 2003, at 21:00:16
In reply to fallsfall, posted by kara lynne on September 7, 2003, at 16:15:17
Kara,
I'm glad that you got out of bed because I missed you. I'm sorry that you felt so lousy. If I don't see you post for 24 hours I start worrying - because it seems that when you aren't posting you aren't doing well. So, know that I (and others here) are worrying about you. Maybe that and a dish of ice cream will get you out of bed?
You said two really important things:
>>But then we went over how unhappy I was in the relationship and decided it was best that she just leave it alone.
>>I remember how unhappy I was in that relationship.
I agree with your friend that this *is* his way of trying to get back together with you. Some people are more socially adept than others.
My daughter (15) has a male friend (not a boyfriend) who did something that made her absolutely irate. Then he kept calling her asking if she was still mad, which made her even madder. A day soon after I was driving them somewhere and he was driving her crazy ("Please forgive me??? Please? Please? Please?"). Finally I told him when to be quiet (so she could cool down) and then exactly what to say (word for word). He followed my instructions and she didn't get madder. My point is that a lot of other 15 year olds would have known when to be quiet and what to say - but this one didn't.
So this may be his best attempt at getting back together with you. But before you decide whether his attempt is good enough, you need to decide whether you WANT the relationship. I know that you do in one sense (comfort, convenience, security, etc. etc). But what about what you said in your post? You were UNHAPPY with him. Even though he was filling those other needs, he was making you unhappy. You deserve better than that. So even if he knocked on your door and fell to his knees with 3 dozen roses and tickets for a cruise, and said "Kara, I love you. I love only you. I have missed you so much and I can't survive another day without you." Do you really want him back? Why would he make you happy this time? What has changed?
Don't call him. And don't let him call you.
Maybe you should ask your friend to get a message to him. You need to tell him that it is over. You are done with him. You will not ever consider getting back together.
He keeps contacting you because he thinks that you will come back. If you want him to stop contacting you he needs to know that isn't going to happen.
I understand the part of you who wants him back. I have a similar part who wants my old therapist. And some days, that part makes me sad and lonely (and a little crazy), but I know that, as much as I love her, she isn't good for me. And I have to work in MY best interest.
Pretend that I gave you a new kind of food, and this food is the very best you have ever had. You would happily give up all of your current favorites (chocolate, ice cream) for this new food. But you start to feel really yucky and you go to the doctor and he tells you that you are allergic to this new food. This breaks your heart because you really like this food. But you are feeling so sick that you can't function. What are you going to do?
Are you able to get out and socialize with some friends? I think it is important for you not to be all alone. I also think that you need to see that the world is alive, because that will make you want to be part of the world. Even if you can't find people to do anything with, go by yourself to someplace where there are people who are having fun.
I'm glad you are back posting with us.
poster:fallsfall
thread:257677
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030829/msgs/257924.html