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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by zenhussy on May 30, 2003, at 2:43:22
Feeling rather blah after a long day and much medical crud.
Decided not to take my painkillers or benzos and have a full (usually a half every other week or so if I'm up to it) glass of wine with my meal tonight. Thought it would knock me out quickly yet here I sit wide awake and generally sad.
Sad that I'm not living up to my potential. Sad that I cannot be the person my family wants me to be. Sad that I cannot make a relationship last. Sad that I am not on the career path that I want. Sad that I am living hand to mouth and now that includes having friends pay my rent because I'm unable to work these past few weeks at my non w-2 jobs.
Wine usually does not put me into this kind of introspective sadness. I'm trying to journal and do those things the therapists and doctors suggest but I feel as if everything I write is poison and useless.
The anger and rage bubbling up are just surface covers for the grief that needs resolving but hell how does one get through the rage to allow the grieving process to happen? I seem to shut down after an explosion of rage or outburst of anger therefore leaving no room to progress to the underlying feelings of pain and grief.
Stabs in the dark as I sit here awake and wondering why I am as I am and if there is hope for any change.
Beginning to think that my toxicity is permanent and all money spent on trying to 'get better' is just wasted consumer dollars. If my body and mind are rotted then why not just let them rot instead of throwing bizarre substances (all the damn ADs I've tried) at them to try for improvement?
I read about others here on this board fighting this fight for beyond twenty years. How? Frickin how?!!!
I'm coming up on almost ten years of medications and minimal relief. I've been able to work on and off but it has been a few years since I've had a 'real' job that requires a w-2 and has taxes taken out. I feel so beneath my abilities yet when I can't even crawl off the couch for a day then how the hell am I supposed to fit back into society and the workforce?
Alright, I can see I'm only working myself up here and should end this now and go do something non stimulating to try and bring sweet elusive sleep to me.
Ramblin'
zenhussy
Posted by ST on May 30, 2003, at 5:14:12
In reply to No insomniacs?, posted by zenhussy on May 30, 2003, at 2:43:22
hey there...I have no great insight or advice...just that I really have felt what you're feeling. (I'm bipolarII) I, too, feel like I am not living up to my potential. I totally wasted my twenties after I graduated college because I couldn't get out of my damn bed from sheer apathetic depression. I'd crawl out of bed for a few days in a row and then retreat again; I couldn't build any kind of momentum. Now, all my friends around me are so much further along and it's as if I'm now barely waking up. I'm not where I want to be...all of that...blah blah blah...
But I will say this, and hopefully it will offer some encouragement. About 5 years ago, I got on a medication combo that finally started to work for me. It's no miracle, I still struggle. But things really have gotten better. Behavioral therapy and meds have helped.
There is hope for change. And as for feeling like your mind and body are rotten and toxic: this may seem an insumountable task, but try to walk every day. I know it's hard to get up the urge to even do that...but exercise and trying to eat healthy seem to help me and others I know with sever depression. Then when I stop exercising and I eat junk or drink too much, I get even more depressed.
Keep informed, learn everything you can about new drugs and new treatments, care for your mind and body...that's all I can offer.
Have a great night...err...morning.
Sarah> Feeling rather blah after a long day and much medical crud.
>
> Decided not to take my painkillers or benzos and have a full (usually a half every other week or so if I'm up to it) glass of wine with my meal tonight. Thought it would knock me out quickly yet here I sit wide awake and generally sad.
>
> Sad that I'm not living up to my potential. Sad that I cannot be the person my family wants me to be. Sad that I cannot make a relationship last. Sad that I am not on the career path that I want. Sad that I am living hand to mouth and now that includes having friends pay my rent because I'm unable to work these past few weeks at my non w-2 jobs.
>
> Wine usually does not put me into this kind of introspective sadness. I'm trying to journal and do those things the therapists and doctors suggest but I feel as if everything I write is poison and useless.
>
> The anger and rage bubbling up are just surface covers for the grief that needs resolving but hell how does one get through the rage to allow the grieving process to happen? I seem to shut down after an explosion of rage or outburst of anger therefore leaving no room to progress to the underlying feelings of pain and grief.
>
> Stabs in the dark as I sit here awake and wondering why I am as I am and if there is hope for any change.
>
> Beginning to think that my toxicity is permanent and all money spent on trying to 'get better' is just wasted consumer dollars. If my body and mind are rotted then why not just let them rot instead of throwing bizarre substances (all the damn ADs I've tried) at them to try for improvement?
>
> I read about others here on this board fighting this fight for beyond twenty years. How? Frickin how?!!!
>
> I'm coming up on almost ten years of medications and minimal relief. I've been able to work on and off but it has been a few years since I've had a 'real' job that requires a w-2 and has taxes taken out. I feel so beneath my abilities yet when I can't even crawl off the couch for a day then how the hell am I supposed to fit back into society and the workforce?
>
> Alright, I can see I'm only working myself up here and should end this now and go do something non stimulating to try and bring sweet elusive sleep to me.
>
> Ramblin'
>
> zenhussy
Posted by zenhussy on May 30, 2003, at 9:36:12
In reply to Re: No insomniacs?, posted by ST on May 30, 2003, at 5:14:12
Posted by Tony P on May 30, 2003, at 11:16:34
In reply to No insomniacs?, posted by zenhussy on May 30, 2003, at 2:43:22
I'm another insomniac tonight/today - I've been browsing and posting here since the small hours. I'm on an upswing though - my insomnia is part of that, I get hypomanic in the evening, esp. if I'm on the computer.
Other times I do get the downs like you, where it seems that anything that works has intolerable side effects, makes my sleep problems worse, or hasn't yet been released for A/D use. And then all those feelings of shame and frustration and pessismism rush back in. I too haven't worked for a year - only just now thinking I might be getting enough stability to try part-time work.
Even a little alcohol can quickly get me into the "poor-me"s. There was also a study a while ago that showed alcohol significantly increased anger measurements in "normal" people (not on meds or heavy drinkers) in quite small doses.
Hang in there, there's company here.
Tony P
Posted by zenhussy on May 30, 2003, at 12:04:07
In reply to Re: No insomniacs? » zenhussy, posted by Tony P on May 30, 2003, at 11:16:34
> I'm another insomniac tonight/today - I've been browsing and posting here since the small hours. I'm on an upswing though - my insomnia is part of that, I get hypomanic in the evening, esp. if I'm on the computer.
>
> Other times I do get the downs like you, where it seems that anything that works has intolerable side effects, makes my sleep problems worse, or hasn't yet been released for A/D use. And then all those feelings of shame and frustration and pessismism rush back in. I too haven't worked for a year - only just now thinking I might be getting enough stability to try part-time work.
>
> Even a little alcohol can quickly get me into the "poor-me"s. There was also a study a while ago that showed alcohol significantly increased anger measurements in "normal" people (not on meds or heavy drinkers) in quite small doses.
>
> Hang in there, there's company here.
>
> Tony PTony P,
Lordy how do people survive without the support of others who know what it is like to be on strange medications, have pervasive distorted thoughts, feel like a yo-yo, etc.? I am amazed by the outpouring of support offered up by people here. Thank you.
I really am baffled by the wine last night though. My alcohol consumption over the past four years has gone from enjoying beer and wine with meals (few times a week) or a Friday martini to end the work week to my skimpy little half glass of wine when my body can tolerate it. I had it with a meal and didn't take the meds that would react with the alcohol (yes I do know the half life of my meds still leave residual traces in the body) and haven't had that kind of deep funk type of reaction in ages. Plus the glass of white wine was on the suggestion of two docs yesterday no less! Something to do with the urinary tract/kidneys and how white wine can help. Hey I was just following medical advice! ; )
Ended up with only three or so hours of sleep but didn't turn the pc back on and didn't do the tv thing. I tried to find the most boring activity to do and succeeded: organizing some art supplies according to the colour wheel. We're talking about five bins worth of different mediums now all sorted into the warm and cool colours by tone. If reading that doesn't put you to sleep then I don't know what will. Ha ha.
I didn't wake up in tears or funked out and am surprisingly okay (meaning not great but able to get out of bed and consider a shower).
Thank you for the info about the study on anger measurements and alcohol. I didn't know about that correlation and haven't experienced it before. I think my anger is just at all the medical baloney I'm going through and the conflicting information I'm receiving from each person I see. Tuesday a nurse practioner said one thing and Thursday a doctor said the complete opposite. They both performed the same proceedure so I'm baffled as to what is going on with my body and peeved at the medical establishment for their lack of consistent info.
Based on the np and her info on Tuesday I 'was fine' and the doctor on Thursday was all gung ho to rush me into the hospital that day for my high risk of infection due to what is going on. I'm not sure a hospital is the best place to avoid infections though.
Thanks for letting me ramble some more. I guess I had better go take that shower. Even the dog smells better than I do at this time. ; )
I am glad that you are feeling like your stability has returned enough to consider part-time work again. That is good news and I hope you take it slowly and ease yourself back into it so as not to overwhelm. Best wishes in that endeavor. Let us know how it goes.
Hangin with the company here. Thanks again Tony P.
zenhussy
Posted by kara lynne on May 31, 2003, at 21:47:21
In reply to No insomniacs?, posted by zenhussy on May 30, 2003, at 2:43:22
Hi hussy,
Just wanted to say a feeble hello and hope you're feeling better. I can identify greatly with your post, and I thank you for responding to mine. I wish I had the werewithal to say more at the moment, but I'm just out of it. (What a departure for me!) I'm in the 10 year range of this struggle along with you--10 years trying to find the right meds, but the depression started much earlier. Let's keep pulling for each other-- we could start a 10 year minimum suffering club, what do you think?I really do hope you're feeling better,
Kara
Posted by zenhussy on June 1, 2003, at 0:22:23
In reply to Re: No insomniacs?, posted by ST on May 30, 2003, at 5:14:12
The subject line is a direct quote from your post to me and I must say you offered a lot. Thank you very much Sarah.
zenhussy
Posted by zenhussy on June 1, 2003, at 0:32:27
In reply to Re: No insomniacs?, posted by kara lynne on May 31, 2003, at 21:47:21
> Hi hussy,
> Just wanted to say a feeble hello and hope you're feeling better. I can identify greatly with your post, and I thank you for responding to mine. I wish I had the werewithal to say more at the moment, but I'm just out of it. (What a departure for me!) I'm in the 10 year range of this struggle along with you--10 years trying to find the right meds, but the depression started much earlier. Let's keep pulling for each other-- we could start a 10 year minimum suffering club, what do you think?
>
> I really do hope you're feeling better,
>Kara
Thank you so much Kara. I'd love to know others who have been at the meds/therapy routine for at least ten years but wouldn't exclude anyone just because they haven't suffered for ten years.......hell the FIRST day of depression is awful the way the horror descends upon you like a dark heavy blanket smothering out any ability to feel other than empty and unfit and so not right.Wow that was a digression! I hope you have found some grounding since you said you're out of it at the moment. I'd absolutely root for you...just say whatcha need and I'll give it a go. ; )
I am a touch better with my first day of below 99.4 F body temperature. Woo hoo. I'm stir crazy from having to remain at home on literal bed rest. I'm going nucking futs. The lack of high fever allowed me (probably not in docs eyes but hell I was housebound cabin fevered out of my gourd!) to go out to breakfast with a friend and have a most enjoyable meal and be able to taste the food and be hungry for it. This is quite a difference in how things have been for me lately.
I hope things are coming along for you. Be gentle to yourself and holler if things get rough.
the hussmeistress
Posted by ST on June 1, 2003, at 5:35:18
In reply to ....that's all I can offer » ST, posted by zenhussy on June 1, 2003, at 0:22:23
I'm glad you're finding support here. I come back here every so often, like when I'm down or when I'm switching meds...I refuse to believe we have to live half a life because of our "wiring". What kind of work do you do? Do you enjoy it? What are you passionate about and is there enough of it in your life?
ST
Posted by zenhussy on June 2, 2003, at 3:55:13
In reply to Re: ....that's all I can offer » zenhussy, posted by ST on June 1, 2003, at 5:35:18
> I'm glad you're finding support here. I come back here every so often, like when I'm down or when I'm switching meds...I refuse to believe we have to live half a life because of our "wiring". What kind of work do you do? Do you enjoy it? What are you passionate about and is there enough of it in your life?
> STMy work is jane of all trades mistress of none. I do not for the most part enjoy how I acquire money to live on. But life/the universe has thrown UNF'ING real wild stuff into my family's life in the past month. My work will come to an end as I go to tend to a family member on the mend.
Passion? I used to have passion about creating metal. I used to make things. I used to hammer and cut and twist and shape and used my creativity........alas I am not able to have full access to that part of my brain as of yet. Hopefully soon.
At least music is speaking to me again and I'm drinking it up hungirily. Listening and singing my lungs out. Everything. In the car. In the house. The poor dog is disliking my sudden new noisemaking but tough nuts to the hound.
There isn't enough passion in my life but I do have hope and love so I could be worse off I guess.
Thanks for your thought provoking post.
zenhussy up way way too late to be doing the job she has to do tomorrow but at least I only have four or five days tops left due to emergency family leave so I'm already not there ; )
This is the end of the thread.
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