Posted by zenhussy on May 30, 2003, at 2:43:22
Feeling rather blah after a long day and much medical crud.
Decided not to take my painkillers or benzos and have a full (usually a half every other week or so if I'm up to it) glass of wine with my meal tonight. Thought it would knock me out quickly yet here I sit wide awake and generally sad.
Sad that I'm not living up to my potential. Sad that I cannot be the person my family wants me to be. Sad that I cannot make a relationship last. Sad that I am not on the career path that I want. Sad that I am living hand to mouth and now that includes having friends pay my rent because I'm unable to work these past few weeks at my non w-2 jobs.
Wine usually does not put me into this kind of introspective sadness. I'm trying to journal and do those things the therapists and doctors suggest but I feel as if everything I write is poison and useless.
The anger and rage bubbling up are just surface covers for the grief that needs resolving but hell how does one get through the rage to allow the grieving process to happen? I seem to shut down after an explosion of rage or outburst of anger therefore leaving no room to progress to the underlying feelings of pain and grief.
Stabs in the dark as I sit here awake and wondering why I am as I am and if there is hope for any change.
Beginning to think that my toxicity is permanent and all money spent on trying to 'get better' is just wasted consumer dollars. If my body and mind are rotted then why not just let them rot instead of throwing bizarre substances (all the damn ADs I've tried) at them to try for improvement?
I read about others here on this board fighting this fight for beyond twenty years. How? Frickin how?!!!
I'm coming up on almost ten years of medications and minimal relief. I've been able to work on and off but it has been a few years since I've had a 'real' job that requires a w-2 and has taxes taken out. I feel so beneath my abilities yet when I can't even crawl off the couch for a day then how the hell am I supposed to fit back into society and the workforce?
Alright, I can see I'm only working myself up here and should end this now and go do something non stimulating to try and bring sweet elusive sleep to me.
Ramblin'
zenhussy
poster:zenhussy
thread:230149
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030517/msgs/230149.html