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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kara lynne on March 20, 2003, at 14:44:37
Even though I don't think I really do want to die, it is like my default mantra. I find myself saying it all the time, I want to die. It is scaring me. I don't wish I was dead, I just feel so bleak. I've been really sick since Sunday; today I managed to keep in a few tablespoons of yogurt. I know that adds to depression and I try to keep telling myself that. I have no nutrients in my system so I'm very depleted. I'm in the shower crying and yawning at the same time--I don't know what the impulse is anymore. My best friend/surrogate mother is not talking to me anymore. It hurts everyday. I feel like I have no one. I was trying to muster up a way of feeling like I could care for myself and it just wouldn't come. I feel so empty-- I don't know how make myself feel better. I have to go to work, maybe it will distract me.
Posted by sienna on March 20, 2003, at 14:54:57
In reply to I'm having a really hard time., posted by kara lynne on March 20, 2003, at 14:44:37
hi kara lynne
im sorry its so hard for you right now. is there a way that you can talk to your best friend? i know i go into a tailspin when my frineds are upset with me or we are in a argumant. maybe if theres a way that you could get that worked out some you might feel better.
also yes being sick can exacerbate yoru symtoms. work might distract you, butif you are only able to keep down a couple spoonfuls of yogurt maybe it would be good to call in sick?
For me my illness comes in waves so i can usually remember thats theres been better times, and even if i cant see how they will get better i can look back and see the patterns an dknow that they have been bad and good and so on and cling to a little hope that they will be good again.
Is there anythigin you can look forward to at all or is there anyone you can call and get help from? Im sorry you and your friend arent talking. that is really hard.
oh and i know a few people who are very sick right now. I wish there was someone there that could take care of you. I think as youstart to feel better phsycially that you will probably feel at least a litlte better emotionaly.
write agian and letus know how you are feeling. i have to go to the doctor now, but ill
be back a little later and will check back ok.take care
sienna
Posted by kara lynne on March 20, 2003, at 14:55:13
In reply to I'm having a really hard time., posted by kara lynne on March 20, 2003, at 14:44:37
Monday night I asked my boyfriend to come home early and bring me some ice (we had none) and some ginger ale because I was really feeling bad. I couldn't make it downstairs to the kitchen--I kept having to get back in bed with my head throbbing, and I was so thirsty. He said ok, and came home four hours later. (he works about 15 minutes away) I was really mad, he came in, threw the stuff on my bed and didn't talk to me the whole evening or next day, which I also spent in bed with a fever, or on the bathroom floor. He left one message saying ,"I don't know why you think I'm not there for you." When I tried to bring it up yesterday at his insistence that I tell him what was wrong, he told me I was acting psychotic. I left and drove around looking for apartments. Later he left a message saying he hadn't realized I really meant what I said monday night (he will insist I just casually asked him to bring me some groceries-- short of bleeding in front of him there was no clearer I could have been.) He thinks everything should be fine now, I'm sure.
Posted by gabbix2 on March 20, 2003, at 16:31:47
In reply to Re: I'm having a really hard time., posted by kara lynne on March 20, 2003, at 14:55:13
((Kara lynn ))
I'm wondering if you are living with my ex??!!
Seriously, I'm sorry you are feeling so awful.
I'm sure being sick has a lot to do with it,
I know that it can bring on a depression with me.
Ah, I wish I knew what to say.I've been actively/passivly suicidal for more than 10 years, and only this month found the ideal medication combination. Oh, wait that might make you feel worse.. damn.
Well my ex was a construction worker and occasionally I would say prayers to the patron saint of faulty scaffolding, that helped.
Maybe you could do something like that :)
Oh honey, hang on okay, I really like you already
I always cry for the little creatures during a war tooI think we need all the sensitive people we can get, so you have to hang on, we need you.I hope the gloom lifts a little.
Let me know how you are doing?Thanks
GG
Posted by noa on March 20, 2003, at 16:58:42
In reply to I'm having a really hard time., posted by kara lynne on March 20, 2003, at 14:44:37
kara lynne, are you ill with a stomach/intestinal thing?
When I have that kind of viral illness, depressed or not, I usually do have thoughts along the lines of, "Just take me now, Lord". Really, that kind of illness is AWFUL! I'm not joking, those thoughts seem very reasonable to me at those times because of what is going on inside my body. And then, when mixed with depression, it is unbearable.
Sometimes it feels like aliens have decided to hold the war of the worlds inside my innards! Or that my body is engaged in an all out war of survival against this alien invader, "stomach virus". It is violent and wretched (literally wretched!). BUT, it does end and when it does I almost can't beleive it! It seems miraculous to come throught all that horrid pain and nausea.
Try telling yourself not to make any decisions now, not to draw any conclusions at this time, that you are sick and feel just horrible and it is a bad time to decide about your future. Just do what you need to do to get through this.
I have always found that physical illness makes my depression worse, and I have to try to reinterpret the depressed feelings with that knowledge. "I feel more depressed, but that is what happens when I'm sick. Illness makes me feel more depressed but it is temporary."
Hang in there!
Posted by noa on March 20, 2003, at 17:06:35
In reply to Re: I'm having a really hard time., posted by gabbix2 on March 20, 2003, at 16:31:47
"Being there for you"--a story for contrast (really, the total other end of the continuum from your boyfriend):
My friend's daughter was visiting with her fiance for a weekend, and the daughter came down with a stomach illness. My friend woke up in the night to the sounds of her daughter vomiting. Motherly instinct being what it is, she went to the bathroom to find the daughter's fiance right there with her, holding her hair and her forehead for her while she retched. Just like a mom would.
Ok, so most guys aren't gonna be quite like that, right? But there is surely a lot of in between that would be better than your clueless guy who thinks he's all that as a boyfriend because he stopped at the 7-11 for you four hours later!
Sorry if I'm jumpin on the negative bandwagon too fast (this has come back to haunt me with at least one friend who complained about her hubby and then was mad at me for saying he had treated her badly), but what you described about his behavior and utter cluelessness just pushed one of my personal buttons!!
Posted by sienna on March 20, 2003, at 18:36:43
In reply to Re: I'm having a really hard time., posted by noa on March 20, 2003, at 17:06:35
i hope you are feeling a little better now. Just checking in...
sienna
Posted by paxvox on March 20, 2003, at 19:48:53
In reply to kara lynne, posted by sienna on March 20, 2003, at 18:36:43
If you have/had that three day bug, I can understand why ANYONE would wish they were dead! Argghhh!!!! I had that about a month ago, and it damn near DID kill me. And talk about exacerbating my depression! Gadzooks! I was like all panicky and had cold sweats and all that sort of stuff. Boyfriends/spouses, whatever, can be notorious for the insensitivity to their partner's illness, physical or psychological. But he sweety, I've done the suicidal ideation game, and there are no solutions there. You did not mention anything about if you are getting sufficient medical treatment and counseling. Certainly, regardless of your economic status, there is something available for you. And too, this board, now that some of the "heavyweights" are either "back" or lurking, can be a great place for support. True, it's not the same as a hug and a caress. But knowing that someone else actually CARES and understands, because we have (or still are) been there. A lot to be gained and gleaned from shared histories. Keep your chin up, kiddo, and let us know how things are going.
PAX
Posted by kara lynne on March 20, 2003, at 20:59:06
In reply to Re: kara lynne, posted by paxvox on March 20, 2003, at 19:48:53
It was so nice to come home and find your posts. It made me cry, but in a better way. I guess I'm just a wreck right now. It's also my birthday, and I just don't want it to be. Sienna, you're so sweet and kind. I wish I could talk to my friend, I miss talking to her so much. But she can be really stubborn and won't even acknowledge that there's a problem. (Hmm, I'm noticing a pattern.) I'm not sure if I can take these little punishing sessions any longer, they're too painful. My therapist says it's because I finished school, yadda yadda and she never did, but I'm not so sure. I sure don't feel like my life is any prize. She's always been there for me, literally, from the day I was born. She was the one sane voice when I was growing up and a refuge from my family (She worked for my dad) I could talk to her about anything, and I think she's one of the reasons I survived my childhood. She went with me while I had to sit through my licensing exam after being in school for so long. I'm so sorry, I hate to be cryptic about this school thing. I wish I felt comfortable saying what it is I went to school for, but I'm so nervous about anonymity. I wish I weren't. I'd much rather talk about it. It doesn't really matter anyway; I don't feel like it's such a great accomplishment, and I don't really identify myself by it. I just had to do something with my life, to show myself I could at least do one thing with my life. Anyway, I passed, and that was it for our friendship. From 2 hour daily phone conversations to absolutely nothing in over a month. It just eats me away. And I've been too depressed to do anything about getting a job (other than the part time office work I'm doing now).
noa don't worry. I will not be angry and defend my boyfriend later! He really does not know whereof he speaks, but that's no excuse. I just don't get it. I just don't understand how you walk past a fellow suffering mammal without noticing or at least making an attempt. I know he does care about me, but it gets to the point where that just doesn't matter at all if he can't demonstrate it. The old tree falling in the forest thing. And then to stoop to calling me psychotic after egging me on for a response-- I can't win. I couldn't make it clear how sick I was to him, and when I get upset about it I'm crazy. I hope I can wake up one day and not wish I had someone else's life. This nasty virus has made it all worse, that's for sure. I came home and ate almost a real serving of chicken and it's staying down, so that's good news. You have all helped me not to feel so lonely and that's really good news. And I am going to try like hell not to watch any more bad news tonight on television. Thank you so much. And Gabbix, please keep praying for all the creatures with me!
Posted by kara lynne on March 20, 2003, at 21:20:27
In reply to Re: I'm having a really hard time., posted by gabbix2 on March 20, 2003, at 16:31:47
Gabbix,
After 10 years you found the ideal med combo? (At first I thought you meant the ideal combo for suicide!) What is it? I'm still in the trenches after about 10 years myself. So it makes me feel better, not worse to hear it.The patron saint of faulty scaffolding! That's a good one. It does seem like he only understands things at a very dense level sometimes, our boyfriend. I'll say hello for you. Well I would, if he were ever here.
Thank you for your thoughts and (( ))'s.
Posted by kara lynne on March 20, 2003, at 21:29:39
In reply to Re: I'm having a really hard time. » kara lynne, posted by noa on March 20, 2003, at 16:58:42
Hi noa,
Thank you for your post, and I do have to tell myself not to make any decisions right now. I asked my therapist today if she thought I should be in a psychiatric hospital because I felt so chemically imbalanced, and I was starting to feel really afraid. She seemed assured that it was just many things piling on at once, all colored by this nasty virus. I still do feel quite disoriented. I also haven't been able to take my regular medication at all (even though it doesn't work that well it must do something). And of course this global terror doesn't help. but there is something about that intestinal thing that is so overwhelming and violent in itself. I pray that it is over soon. thanks again for your comforting words.
Posted by sienna on March 21, 2003, at 0:51:07
In reply to Thank you everyone, posted by kara lynne on March 20, 2003, at 20:59:06
kara lynne
im scared of anonymity to and think i say to much sometimes. i know that feeling. im glad that you felt better a little bit. im sorry you are still feeling so badly.
i hope that tomorrow is a better day for you.
sienna
Posted by noa on March 21, 2003, at 23:43:40
In reply to Re: I'm having a really hard time/noa, posted by kara lynne on March 20, 2003, at 21:29:39
OK, and you just mentioned one other thing that is adding to your acute suffering--not being able to take your meds due to the stomach illness. You could be experiencing withdrawal symptoms!
Posted by noa on March 21, 2003, at 23:44:15
In reply to Re: I'm having a really hard time/noa » kara lynne, posted by noa on March 21, 2003, at 23:43:40
And, PS, glad you are starting to feel a bit better. Take it slow...
Posted by noa on March 22, 2003, at 9:54:44
In reply to Re: I'm having a really hard time/noa » noa, posted by noa on March 21, 2003, at 23:44:15
It was really way past my bedtime!
Posted by bozeman on March 22, 2003, at 23:18:28
In reply to Thank you everyone, posted by kara lynne on March 20, 2003, at 20:59:06
So sorry you're having a bad time with this. I know how you feel, I can't kick the virus thing either. Hang on, I'm sending you warm thoughts and images of your favorite warm steaming beverage. :-)
Hugs
bozeman
Posted by kara lynne on March 23, 2003, at 15:45:43
In reply to Re: Kara Lynne, posted by bozeman on March 22, 2003, at 23:18:28
Thanks bozeman. You can tell I'm getting desperate if I'm trying to cook. I'm still having a lot of trouble eating anything.
Posted by lostsailor on March 23, 2003, at 15:58:20
In reply to Anyone know how to make good chicken soup?, posted by kara lynne on March 23, 2003, at 15:45:43
Oh Kara, sorry you don't feel well. I am a vegitarions and can offer miso soup, which is great you are not feeling well for us granola munching wierdos, but mom make great chicken soup. I could either emial recipe or the soup it self. I think she misses cooking big batches. Maybe it won't spill if I send it in a zip(lock) file???
I hope you are feeling better, my friend, ~tony
Posted by beardedlady on March 23, 2003, at 17:07:54
In reply to Anyone know how to make good chicken soup?, posted by kara lynne on March 23, 2003, at 15:45:43
My husband makes the best chicken soup, though we often add gobs of egg noodles to make it chicken stew.
Here's how.
1. Boil the hell out of a dead chicken.
2. When it's done (the meat falls off the bone), save the cooking water, and take the chicken out. Discard the skin, bones, and all the other inedible stuff. Set aside the pile of meat. You can use some for chicken salad (though you're having trouble eating, right?), or you can use it all in the soup.
3. If you'd like, put the soup in the fridge overnight. The fat will get hard, and you can remove it. But chicken soup needs some fat for flavor, and you might too, so leave it.
4. Add a medium onion (diced), three stalks of celery (diced), three carrots (sliced), three potatoes (cubed), garlic, and four or five packets of Herb Ox chicken broth. Add the chicken back, and cook the hell out of the soup.
5. Add lots of salt and pepper. (You can add more herbs and spices, but this is what we like.)
6. For stew, serve over egg noodles.This is truly great soup. Good luck!
beardy : )>
Posted by kara lynne on March 23, 2003, at 17:48:49
In reply to Re: Anyone know how to make good chicken soup?KL, posted by lostsailor on March 23, 2003, at 15:58:20
I'm so glad you're a vegetarian. I wish I could be--perhaps when I'm a little physically stronger. Yes, have mom mail it to me ASAP!
Posted by kara lynne on March 23, 2003, at 17:50:41
In reply to chicken soup recipe » kara lynne, posted by beardedlady on March 23, 2003, at 17:07:54
I'm going to try it. And thanks for specifying about the dead chicken. (sheesh, now I won't be able to eat anything!)
Posted by beardedlady on March 24, 2003, at 7:31:02
In reply to Thanks Beardy, posted by kara lynne on March 23, 2003, at 17:50:41
"dead bird meat."
beardy : )>
This is the end of the thread.
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