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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Paige on February 6, 2003, at 19:45:49
If anyone has any gentle advice I am all ears
and eyes I guess. I lost my sister last April, she had leukemia AML and a stem cell transplant
that didn't take. She got GVHD real had (graft
versus host disease) and it killed her and slowly.
I took care of her and watched her go from a vibrant and carrying woman (she was a social worker who headed the vocational rehab.program for Native Americans out in King County in the Seattle and outlying areas-she loved her work and helping people- I was very proud of her and everyone loved her, it was amazing to see so much support for her) to complete this sentence, I don't even
know what you call it-I can't complete it. But I watched her die and I buried her (she was cremated) and sibling loss is not like any other. She was only 41 with a daughter of 20 and a husband and a sister(me) who always loved her and cared for her and helped her
to the best I could. But the whole year has been a series of loss upon loss. Losing her has been the worst. An old friend friend died this summer, and now another friend is gone. HE is alive, but just dropped me. I wasn't much use . I had troubles too and I felt like a rag doll and only had so much to offer and when I stood up for me, my friend abandoned me. We also dated, but it did not work out and I have tried to remain friends, but one minute he is there and then ignores me and does not tell me what is wrong or what I did this time. I think it is cruel and immature (he is 54...I guess age is not important when it comes to matters of the heart and comappsion or lack of).I think about all these things and they interfere with everything, my school, my life. My depression is right back where is was at its worst and I wonder am I missing something here? How do you stop obsessing and letting go? I can't seem to figure that part out and it is torment. Sorry so long, but it's a lot to handle by myself. Most people don't understand and I feel used up. I try to reconcile and make peace with anyone I have had troubles with and they dispose of me and then there is my sister I can never talk to again. IT is one thing after another. I guess I have bad karma. Any cheerful or thoughtful advice would be great. I just study and obsess and cry. That is not quite living is it? I can't differentiate what is important anymore and what to get rid of and how. I can only keep reaching out so much.
Thanks for reading,
Paige
Posted by Phil on February 6, 2003, at 21:11:36
In reply to Very Blue...any thoughts would help, posted by Paige on February 6, 2003, at 19:45:49
Paige, are you seeing a therapist or do you belong to any of the groups that deal with loss? Are you on medication or have you been? Do you have other siblings? Sorry for all the questions.
You are coming up on the first year since your sister passed. I wonder how I would handle that? I give it thought because I have two older brothers. I lost my mom in '93 and that was rough. Losing one of my brothers, especially seeing them suffer, would be the most difficult of life's situations to handle. I would, as always, need meds and a very compassionate therapist, my 2 close friends, and a strong belief system.
As far as the guy goes...we're a dime a dozen. Find one that will be your friend and try to let the old one go.
There is no doubt you have anger burning inside, whether it's conscious or not. You could really use some people to talk to who are going through the same thing.
I doubt that I am being much help but I will say this. Not long before my mother was diagnosed with cancer, I started reading the Bible-my life sucked at the time and I think I knew at some level my mom would be leaving soon. When my mother told me she had cancer and that it was malignant, I cried like a baby. I think God came to me because he knew what I was going through. When I prayed every night, I seened to feel a comforting presence that was what saved me more than anything else.
My therapist at the time, was in recovery and I knew the program. She had a saying: God first, 'me' second, others third. I will never be calm on the inside until I live this way everyday. God is how you define God and until I love him above all else, I'm vulnerable. But if I put what I believe God wants first, then take care of myself(mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually-only then can I have the strength to be of worth to others.Maybe something I've said could help but I realized we are all wired differently and my words may not be what you need to hear.
I hope many respond.Try to remember: We are spiritual beings moving through a physical existence; not physical beings striving for a spiritual experience.
At our core, we are spirit, not flesh.Phil
Posted by mikhail99 on February 6, 2003, at 21:57:25
In reply to Very Blue...any thoughts would help, posted by Paige on February 6, 2003, at 19:45:49
> If anyone has any gentle advice I am all ears
> and eyes I guess. I lost my sister last April, she had leukemia AML and a stem cell transplant
> that didn't take. She got GVHD real had (graft
> versus host disease) and it killed her and slowly.
> I took care of her and watched her go from a vibrant and carrying woman (she was a social worker who headed the vocational rehab.program for Native Americans out in King County in the Seattle and outlying areas-she loved her work and helping people- I was very proud of her and everyone loved her, it was amazing to see so much support for her) to complete this sentence, I don't even
> know what you call it-I can't complete it. But I watched her die and I buried her (she was cremated) and sibling loss is not like any other. She was only 41 with a daughter of 20 and a husband and a sister(me) who always loved her and cared for her and helped her
> to the best I could. But the whole year has been a series of loss upon loss. Losing her has been the worst. An old friend friend died this summer, and now another friend is gone. HE is alive, but just dropped me. I wasn't much use . I had troubles too and I felt like a rag doll and only had so much to offer and when I stood up for me, my friend abandoned me. We also dated, but it did not work out and I have tried to remain friends, but one minute he is there and then ignores me and does not tell me what is wrong or what I did this time. I think it is cruel and immature (he is 54...I guess age is not important when it comes to matters of the heart and comappsion or lack of).I think about all these things and they interfere with everything, my school, my life. My depression is right back where is was at its worst and I wonder am I missing something here? How do you stop obsessing and letting go? I can't seem to figure that part out and it is torment. Sorry so long, but it's a lot to handle by myself.
Most people don't understand and I feel used up. I try to reconcile and make peace with anyone I have had troubles with and they dispose of me and then there is my sister I can never talk to again. IT is one thing after another. I guess I have bad karma. Any cheerful or thoughtful advice would be great. I just study and obsess and cry. That is not quite living is it? I can't differentiate what is important anymore and what to get rid of and how. I can only keep reaching out so much.
> Thanks for reading,
> Paige
>
Dear Paige, How awful for you. I can't even begin to imagine how it would feel to lose a sister. I'm so close to mine, I don't know what I would do without her. What a wonderful sister you were to her, to care for her and do all those awful, difficult and painful things. I think the first thing you need to do is stop being hard on yourself, grieving takes as long as it takes. I have to echo Phil's questions; are you in therapy, on medication? A grief support group would probably help you tremendously, you wouldn't feel so alone. And I hope you know you're not alone, there are some wonderful, supportive and extremely caring people on these boards. Please write as much and as often as you need.Please hang in there and think about therapy or a support group if you're not already in one. Take care of yourself!
Mik
Posted by mikhail99 on February 6, 2003, at 21:58:31
In reply to Re: Very Blue...any thoughts would help » Paige, posted by Phil on February 6, 2003, at 21:11:36
Phil, you said that all so beautifully! You are the bomb! :-)
Mik
Posted by shar on February 6, 2003, at 23:13:58
In reply to Re: Very Blue...any thoughts would help » Phil, posted by mikhail99 on February 6, 2003, at 21:58:31
Paige,
Your post didn't say anything about your social support system now--do you have friends and family you can be with? I think talking about your grief is so very important, and talking about your sister, so she stays real and with you. You can talk about the good times, the bad, stuff you both did together...all of it.I think the most striking thing about your post is that it sounds as if you are alone, except for this unreliable (bozohead) man who is not being a particularly supportive friend to you. If you have other friends, spend time with them. If you don't and you're in college, there should be avenues open to you to find a helpful ear (counselor, advisor, clergy, whatever).
Plus, spend time in different places that might be comforting for you. Church may be one, even if you're not a strong believer. Or, if your sister and you walked or went to a particular place, it might be nice to visit there.
Most of all, hang in there. I also echo what Phil said in his post. This is an extremely traumatic event for you, and being very blue makes a lot of sense. I can assure you that, over time, your pain will be less intense, your life will come together more. Right now, just staying the course, putting one foot in front of the other should be considered success.
Good luck to you, I hope you find comfort and support.
Shar
Posted by Paige on February 7, 2003, at 6:13:08
In reply to Re: Very Blue...any thoughts would helpPaige, posted by shar on February 6, 2003, at 23:13:58
Dear Phil, Mik and Shar,
Thank you all for your beautiful words and support. You are all very perceptive. I have no support system. I have a therapist who is wonderful but lives far away. We keep connected by email when she can (she does no charge for this and I can't expect her to be on top of my stuff all the time) and she is like a sister to me. People don't want to talk about death. I had very bad luck with Hospice, it was pitiful. When I called the American Cancer Society I just got a machine with tons of push button options and finally I hung up before it said "Thank you for calling your American Cancer Society" I felt I like I just book a flight on an airline. This is very sad for our society as a whole. My mother will not talk, I lost my dad and I actually has a friend tell me she could not be there for me because it reminded her of her mother's death eons ago (mind you she was there for me when my sister was sick....but) my other "friend" who is no longer never talked about it either. I am useful to these people and at their door when they need me, but it is never theother way around. Yes, I need new friends...I need friends. I have one here close by who I met at school and she is great, but you only feel so good about constant talk about your self. I tale meds. Wellbutrin, CLonopin and sometimes Xanax when it is real bad. It keeps some things at bay, but I find myself crying frequently. There isn't much that can keep this at bay. Yes, I have a lot of anger, but not at my sister. I feel abandoned and I amangry because of the care my sister got after I left Seattle (I live on the East coast). Her mother inlaw took her to the mall for exercise....my sister has no immune system....she gets the flu....this is the beginning. I cannot tell you about that anger and how someone could be so stupid to take her there. She would never complain and never say no....like me. It's a bad gene. And she paid a horrible price. I have flashes of her being so sick and they are painful. Even lastnight I was imagining her in the ambulance (she got so sick after the flu she had to go by ambulance to UW Med...she could not walk or eat for days and they let stay like that and finally called the Fred Hutch center and they finally said get her to the hospital) I imagined her being so scared and it makes me cry because I wish I had been there, I would have demanded she get in the hospital long before the GHVD had a perfect opportunity to do its thing and it spread all over and detroyed her body organs, everything and flu did not help. She had nothing to fight it off. I have so much on my head that it is hard to know where to begin. I am afraid at school that it will go onmy record and hurt my chances at other schools. Bear in myind I am 42 yrs old and I know it sounds like I am a kid. I guess when you are this vulnerable that is how it appears. I am in a lot of pain. I know there are wonderful people on this board like yourselves and I will take your advice. It was very hard to reach out about this, but I am getting to a point where I can't concentrate and I am angry at these people who claimed they were my friends at I obsess about that. This is very hard to process. There is just loss everywhere I turn. Thank you for listening to me.
Paige
Posted by mikhail99 on February 7, 2003, at 8:52:51
In reply to Re: Very Blue...Phil, Mik, Shar, posted by Paige on February 7, 2003, at 6:13:08
Dear Paige,
Please don't give up on trying to find help, there must be some kind of support groups near you, try looking in your local paper. And would you consider finding a therapist closer to you. It's wonderful that your current therapist is good about staying in touch via email, I just think you might need something more right now.
I'm very concerned about you, you sound like you're in such a bad place right now. Please hang in there and post as often as you need to, we're here for you!
Mik
Posted by lostsailor on February 7, 2003, at 9:10:54
In reply to Very Blue...any thoughts would help, posted by Paige on February 6, 2003, at 19:45:49
Paige. I don't really know what to say. I feel for you. Honest. Sounds like the people in your life that care FOR you are terrific. As for your gentelman caller, it sounds that he is set in his ways and does not accept change--which, you lately are dealing and adapting to on a day to day basis. Be brave and strong. We're here wen yo need an ear.
with a prayer attached,
~tony
Posted by Paige on February 7, 2003, at 15:28:08
In reply to Re: Very Blue...any thoughts would help, posted by lostsailor on February 7, 2003, at 9:10:54
Dear Tony and Mik,
Thank you both for writing me and being there. I am not in a good place, but in some ways it is good because I am finally looking at things. I did meet with the counselor at school and we agreed to meet every Monday for an hour. It always feel good to talk. Between all you on the board and talking to her I felt better and had a better perspective. It is when I am alone and the thoughts just antagonize me and I don't know what to do with them. As far as friends, well there are few and far between here. So few people can listen and I think that is so sad,for them. As far as "gentleman"....he was hardly that. Looking at it from a better point of view, he has done me a favor. I am glad that I have been there for people and I never let them down, never. Problem is , you expect the same, but it never happened for me. I was a good friend and maybe I'll to be that to myself. I have had so really very low days and they are not pleasant. Today I kept trying to tell myself that the most important things right now are that I deal with my loss and I deal my studies, both are very important to me and they were important to my sister, too. The rest I cannot cope with and entertain the idea of changing anyone or hoping and wishing they would maintain some sort of friendship with me--it is too much work, not a good sign of a friendship. The very few I have (and they are few) are supportive and make time adn vice versa. But it is a lonely walk when you lose someone and every other loss you have comes up and then you do feel abandoned. I would love to see some sun one day. These are dark days.
Thank you for listening to me and being so kind.
It means a great deal to me and made a large difference in my day.
Paige
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