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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by mair on December 30, 2002, at 14:52:16
I've been doing that end of the year "taking stock" and there are so many things that would be good fodder for New Years resolutions. There is of course the pledge to get more exercise and the vow to stop eating as mindlessly as I sometimes do. I could add to it a pledge to either stop therapy or start opening up more to my therapist. I've also considered that I'd be far better off if I found a way to be more productive at work - less time staring out the window. I need to be better about returning phone calls quickly and dealing with client matters much more expeditiously. I need to better compartmentalize stuff so my time at work is spent working in a more concentrated fashion - no personal phone calls, or errands or checking personal email and PSB while I'm at work. I generally need to get my life in order which includes stuff like getting the cars in on time for servicing, making sure I send in the car registration renewals and line up inspections, and remembering to set up dentist appts for my kids, for instance, and paying bills promptly so I don't get hit with late fees etc, or ordering plane tickets far enough in advance to get better discounts. There's also the matter of cutting way down on the use of my credit cards, and not buying clothes and other items that I don't really have to have for instance. I could easily move to the top of the list the need to be a better child to my ageing parents, and the need to keep up better with my friends.
I think I do an abysmal job of getting my kids to do stuff around the house, with the result being that I feel easily overwelmed by all I have to do - I need to know how to ask for and insist on help. Most of all, I need to better communicate with my husband - there's alot more I could do to be supportive of him and vice versa too. I have to stop wishing he were a mind reader.
This is just a partial list, but too big to tackle. To me its just the beginning of a long list of my deficiencies - all important enough ones to critically affect the way I view myself.
I hesitate to post this for the same reason that I sometimes hesitate to post anything - I know it will sound ridiculous - I know someone will want to tell me that these things are true of everyone and that I most of all need to be more forgiving of myself. I already know that. But I also really believe all of these things about myself and I can't imagine successfully tackling any one of these so where does that leave me now on the eve of new years eve?
I feel trapped by the person I am - with no way out without hurting the people I love most.
Mair
Posted by BeardedLady on December 30, 2002, at 16:31:32
In reply to Where to even begin (rant)-no response needed, posted by mair on December 30, 2002, at 14:52:16
> This is just a partial list, but too big to tackle. To me its just the beginning of a long list of my deficiencies - all important enough ones to critically affect the way I view myself.
Who's the joker who decided we should do things differently every January first? That's a lot of pressure on us for some arbitrary deadline.
> I hesitate to post this for the same reason that I sometimes hesitate to post anything - I know it will sound ridiculous -
It doesn't.
>I know someone will want to tell me that these things are true of everyone and that I most of all need to be more forgiving of myself.
Someone will. I will. I identified with every item in your first paragraph, especially the credit cards, the late fees, the clothes, the staring mindlessly, the compartmentalizing.
>I already know that. But I also really believe all of these things about myself and I can't imagine successfully tackling any one of these so where does that leave me now on the eve of new years eve?
I guess it leaves you where it left you on October 4th and February 7th and Wednesday.
But while you're making the lists, maybe you can try this little bit I learned in therapy. Put some of the really good things about yourself on the other side of the list. Like how much you love your kids and show them every day. Like how smart you are. Like how much support you show people here (and probably at home).
There's so much good about you. Your friends and family take the whole picture. The good stuff makes it worth it.
> I feel trapped by the person I am - with no way out without hurting the people I love most.That doesn't sound good, Mair. You don't have to hurt anyone to find a way to improve the person you are. But change doesn't happen overnight (as you know). And I'm only saying in this post all the things you already know. Maybe you just needed a little reassurance. Sometimes it's better if someone else says it, reinforces it.
I'm sure there are lots of remedies for all the things you mentioned, but you needn't tackle them all. I had trouble paying my bills on time. I got this slotted mail holder numbered from 1 to 31. When they come, I take my bills out of the envelopes, tuck them into the return envelope, and put them in the slot four days before they're due. Every day, I check the slot for a bill that's due. Sometimes I even pay them early.
(Most of the time, though, I'm late because I don't have the money in the bank to pay the bills! If that's not your problem, this little thing is a dream come true.)
You're always free to rant to me. You know the address. I hope I can (and maybe did) help a little.
love,
beardy
Posted by Dinah on December 30, 2002, at 19:30:14
In reply to Where to even begin (rant)-no response needed, posted by mair on December 30, 2002, at 14:52:16
I don't do the New Year's thing any more. Too depressing...
Not to minimize what you're feeling, but I too could say ditto to some of it, and add a few more of my own. :(
No words of wisdom for you. Well, ok, maybe one. Can you do automated withdrawal for your bills? My husband does that, they don't take the payment out until the due date so you don't pay any earlier, and you don't have to worry about forgetting to pay the insurance or utilities.
If you find the answers for the others, let me know.
I'm sorry you're upset Mair, but rant away. This time of year should be abolished.
Dinah
Posted by Alii on December 30, 2002, at 20:03:27
In reply to Where to even begin (rant)-no response needed, posted by mair on December 30, 2002, at 14:52:16
Mair,
In my own world now too. With great big hugs ((((Mair)))) and lots of belief in YOU.
Thinking of you and agreeing with the Bearded One with her wise advice of Jan. 1 just being another day.......not a deadline. No need to take stock right now.
Deep breaths dear.
~~Alii
Posted by syringachalet on December 30, 2002, at 20:56:23
In reply to Re: Where to even begin (rant)-no response needed » mair, posted by Alii on December 30, 2002, at 20:03:27
Hey, mair,
I decided long ago that to try to make a huge list of years resolutions and make myself crazy trying to do them, I decided to only take ONE thing and start gradually into it.
I dont know about you but for me to have to make HUGE changes in my personal life when my work life is so insane most of the time, is just as recipe for failure.
Last year, I decided to eat healthier. More fruit and veggies; less white carbos and concentrated sweets. For me to make HUGE changes in these would have caused me more stress than just staying with what is still Ok for me.
And I did succeed in the F & V department; actually did better in the carbos and sweets than I thought except Christmas... but hey, I know where the horse is and Im getting back on....I think this year Im going to give myself 30 mins a day just for me...where I dont have to meet anyone elses needs but my own. What i do with that time is up to me.
Just need to figure out where Im going to find this 30 mins..syringachalet
Posted by ShelliR on December 30, 2002, at 23:25:22
In reply to Where to even begin (rant)-no response needed, posted by mair on December 30, 2002, at 14:52:16
January doesn't even seem like a good time to make resolutions: too dark and cold. I still tend to think of September as the beginning of the year--I guess it comes from all the years starting new at school.
I'm sorry that what you call deficiencies (and what the rest of us seem to be saying are normal, human), affects the way you see yourself.
I think your lists should be limited to what you can do to make things better or easier for yourself, not things you should do so you won't judge yourself so harshly. To work full-time and to expect everything to get done at home seems fairly impossible.
If you set out to change things completely (like NO personal computer at work, not charging ANYTHING frivolous or fun), I think you're going to set yourself up to fail.
I guess I'm saying just what you would anticipate, but I wonder how mostly pretty minor things get so connected to your self esteem, and the good stuff doesn't get mentioned (or felt?).
Take care,
Shelli
Posted by rayww on December 31, 2002, at 2:08:11
In reply to Re: Where to even begin (rant)-no response needed » mair, posted by Dinah on December 30, 2002, at 19:30:14
Mair, think of a person whom you admire, and "pretend" to write her a letter of praise. Be lavish and get into detail of all the things you admire about her or him. Since you will never send this letter, you can go all out.
Now, substitute this person's name for your own, and read it out loud to yourself.
We can identify our own good qualities in others before we can see them in ourselves.
Posted by BeardedLady on December 31, 2002, at 7:01:03
In reply to Re: Where to even begin (rant)-no response needed, posted by rayww on December 31, 2002, at 2:08:11
Posted by noa on December 31, 2002, at 10:05:41
In reply to Where to even begin (rant)-no response needed, posted by mair on December 30, 2002, at 14:52:16
Mair, good to hear from you.
Well, a lot of those things are on my list, too. But the list is so overwhelming. So, what about picking one target goal per month to focus on improving (not trying to fix altogether)?
That way, maybe you can combine the forgiveness goal with some practical ones that will make you feel you are accomplishing something. But you need to focus on one at a time, and kind of pare down the goal so it is doable, ie, so as to see real change in one months time.
I could use to do this, too. Maybe we could do it together? (I suggested something similar in terms of peer support to Bookgurl up early in this board).
Posted by noa on December 31, 2002, at 10:08:32
In reply to Rant » mair, posted by BeardedLady on December 30, 2002, at 16:31:32
I have started using automatic debit to pay most of my bills. At the moment, I think I only have one monthly bill that requires writing a check and sending it. The only thing, like Bearded Lady says, is whether having the money in the bank at the right time is the issue--then, it is even worse with autobillpay options.
Posted by noa on December 31, 2002, at 10:10:24
In reply to Rant » mair, posted by BeardedLady on December 30, 2002, at 16:31:32
I like what BeardedLady says aobut taking stock of the positives, too! That is crucial.
Also, I agree with not getting too caught up in the arbitrary nature of new years resolution making. But I guess it can provide a structure. Main problem is most people just set themselves up with very hard to achieve goals.
Posted by mair on December 31, 2002, at 16:14:12
In reply to Re: Rant, posted by noa on December 31, 2002, at 10:10:24
I'm getting ready to leave my office and since I won't be here tomorrow and since our internet connection at home has become very unreliable, I wanted to respond to all of your thoughtful posts before I leave. I know the way I postured things is setting myself up for failure, and I know that I am my harshest critic. I just get overwelmed sometimes by the huge gap between the person I am and the person I want to be and pretty despairing about my chances of ever getting there.
All of your suggestions were good although I'm not sure I can buy into the stuff about writing a positive description of myself. My therapist assigned me the task some time ago of recording on a daily basis, positive things I had done that day and positive things I did as a child. I abandoned it when I discovered that on most days, I simply drew a blank on what to write.
Noa, it is truly wonderful to see you back here posting even though I suspect that you've returned because things are not going as well as you'd like. I really did like your suggestion of changing goals every month. I know alot of things I'd like to change are much more difficult to tackle than others - if I work a little methodically on the easier ones maybe I can feel some sense of accomplishment and progress. It's tough to arrange priorities though since everything looms large right now.
Stay safe everyone.
Mair
Posted by ShelliR on December 31, 2002, at 19:11:16
In reply to Re: Rant, posted by noa on December 31, 2002, at 10:10:24
<Noa, it is truly wonderful to see you back here
<posting even though I suspect that you've
<returned because things are not going as well as
<you'd like.Noa,
I'm just curious what made you leave so completely, and what has made you return (so completely) now. Only if you want to share.
Shelli
Posted by Mal on January 1, 2003, at 7:08:03
In reply to Thanks Everyone, posted by mair on December 31, 2002, at 16:14:12
Hi, Mair! About switching goals every month- that may be a very good idea, indeed! I think it takes ~28 days to form a habit, and if you could accumulate, say 6 new beneficial habits by the end of 2003, you'd be doing fabulous!
I don't mean to add to the "deadline" feeling. You could start this project anytime, of course!
Last year's resolution was to make my bed every morning. It became a habit, and I very rarely leave the house without my bed made anymore. After living my entire life with a disasterous room and a messy bed, my whole bedroom stays in much better shape. I know this would seem insignificant to most people, but the point is that it was a small goal and I feel better about myself having achieved it.
Good luck (to you and everyone) and have a healthy, happy 2003!!
Mal
Posted by Noa on January 1, 2003, at 13:51:31
In reply to Re: Rant » noa, posted by ShelliR on December 31, 2002, at 19:11:16
Shelli, I guess there are a few reasons. For one thing I am going through a low point at the moment, and needed to check in. That is why I'm back.
Why did I go away? I just got really busy. Bought a house, busy for months fixing it up (still unfinished), got busy at work (made improvement at work a priority, made myself stop using internet for personal reasons at work), didn't have home internet until last week, and generally, was feeling better.
Posted by ShelliR on January 1, 2003, at 19:28:44
In reply to Re: Rant » ShelliR, posted by Noa on January 1, 2003, at 13:51:31
Well, it's good to have you back, although I'm sorry you weren't doing as well. Your leaving just seemed so abupt and now it seems like you are back and making plans to stay.
Congratulations on your house.
Happy New Year,
Shelli
Posted by Noa on January 2, 2003, at 12:52:38
In reply to Re: Rant » Noa, posted by ShelliR on January 1, 2003, at 19:28:44
Thanks. Happy new year to you, too.
Posted by Noa on January 3, 2003, at 18:26:21
In reply to Thanks Everyone, posted by mair on December 31, 2002, at 16:14:12
How is it going, Mair?
This is the end of the thread.
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