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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 26, 2002, at 11:42:10
I've been relatively happy for the last year or so. Certainly not depressed. I'm still doing ok, really, but lately I've been experiencing fairly sudden bouts of sadness that last an hour or so. I feel like crying, which I do sometimes. It's got me fairly worried. Am I slipping back into depression? Is it something different? It took so long to get away from. Maybe I'm just listening to too much Nick Drake.
:(
Posted by justyourlaugh on November 26, 2002, at 12:42:43
In reply to sudden sadness, posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 26, 2002, at 11:42:10
hi edd
i go through that 100 times a day-mixed with anger,and happiness.
its hard to control who i want to be when my kids get home from school.
but they are used to me crying over comercials and such-and they all saw me destroy our clock because i didnt like they way it chimed(had it for 10 years)
and they like the way i can kick their ass at game cube when i am feeling up.
this rapid cycling is new to me but it sure beats laying at the hospital or being bed ridden.
jyl
Posted by coral on November 26, 2002, at 14:50:26
In reply to sudden sadness, posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 26, 2002, at 11:42:10
You're wise to consider the sudden bouts of sadness as possible "warning" bells of a potential slide back into depression. I appreciate, so appreciate the tough battle out of the cave and know the concern about being . . . drawn back in. My suggestion would be to give yourself some very quiet time and see if you can find any underlying feelings that are bubbling beneath the surface. Personally, I maintain vigilance for any signs that might indicate the possibility of another potential trip to hell --- not a trip I intend to take ever again.
Posted by Tabitha on November 27, 2002, at 1:47:47
In reply to sudden sadness, posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 26, 2002, at 11:42:10
Could it be holiday blues? I know this is my crazy time (relatively speaking). Enjoying Nick Drake is definitely a depression marker for me. I love his music, but when I'm above a certain level, it just sounds too depressing. I count myself lucky I've never gotten low enough to enjoy Leonard Cohen.
Posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 27, 2002, at 9:17:48
In reply to Re: sudden sadness, posted by justyourlaugh on November 26, 2002, at 12:42:43
i go through that 100 times a day-mixed with anger,and happiness.
its hard to control who i want to be when my kids get home from school.
----------------------That's what I'm worried about, to some extent. I've never experienced such a sudden feeling of sadness. It's as if someone with a remote control is sitting outside flipping my emotional channels. Usually, sadness creeps up slowly. I feel less than happy one day, and by day 100 I find myself depressed. I hate not knowing what I might feel like 3 hours from now. Really makes things hard. I'm impressed that you can manage your condition while also having a husband and children (and still perform well at GameCube). I couldn't hack it.
--
You're wise to consider the sudden bouts of sadness as possible "warning" bells of a potential slide back into depression. I appreciate, so appreciate the tough battle out of the cave and know the concern about being . . . drawn back in.
-------------------------------Actually, I'm almost paranoid about possible indicators that I'm getting depressed again. It's such a weird head game. I'm always worried that whatever I say or think or listen to might jeapordize my fleeting happiness. Like I have to always think happy thoughts and avoid sad movies, etc. I'm really afraid of letting myself cry about anything since, well, that's how it started. I'm probably off base about this, but I just can't go through that again.
----
Could it be holiday blues? I know this is my crazy time (relatively speaking). Enjoying Nick Drake is definitely a depression marker for me. I love his music, but when I'm above a certain level, it just sounds too depressing. I count myself lucky I've never gotten low enough to enjoy Leonard Cohen.
--------------------------------Poor Nick. He's somewhat uplifiting in his own way. Not as bad as Radiohead or Red House Painters. I think the saddest piece of music I have is the adagio from the Gayne ballet suite (it's on the 2001 movie soundtrack, played when Dave and Frank drift for months alone to Jupiter). Very beautiful, but so lonely.
As for the hoiday blues, idk. I'm actually kind of looking forward to Christmas this year (for a change). I'm not deeply depressed, and only the fun relatives will be there this year. Maybe it will even snow :)
Posted by tina on November 27, 2002, at 10:43:42
In reply to sudden sadness, posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 26, 2002, at 11:42:10
sounds all too familiar Eddie. YOu're vigilance is to be commended. That "slide" as coral put it is hard for most of us to see sometimes but being so in tune with yourself is a good way of maintaining some kind of control over it.
Peace and good luck. Oh, and dump the Nick Drake for a little while. Try something more uplifting.....:) although uplifting music sometimes throws me into fits of rage.....oh well...
tina
Posted by coral on November 27, 2002, at 10:44:17
In reply to Re: sudden sadness, posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 27, 2002, at 9:17:48
" . . . Actually, I'm almost paranoid about possible indicators that I'm getting depressed again. It's such a weird head game. I'm always worried that whatever I say or think or listen to might jeapordize my fleeting happiness. Like I have to always think happy thoughts and avoid sad movies, etc. I'm really afraid of letting myself cry about anything since, well, that's how it started. I'm probably off base about this, but I just can't go through that again."
-----
I can appreciate what you're saying. After climbing out of the cave, I was extremely cautious about exposing myself to anything that might bring about those god-awful feelings -- certain television shows, music, movies, etc. In my case, though, not expressing my feelings was partly what got me in trouble in the first place, so one of my spots to watch is making sure I'm identifying my true, heart of hearts, feelings and express them (even if it's in a journal.) My path has included learning authenicity of my emotions.
Posted by Anna Laura on November 27, 2002, at 12:07:41
In reply to sudden sadness, posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 26, 2002, at 11:42:10
> I've been relatively happy for the last year or so. Certainly not depressed. I'm still doing ok, really, but lately I've been experiencing fairly sudden bouts of sadness that last an hour or so. I feel like crying, which I do sometimes. It's got me fairly worried. Am I slipping back into depression? Is it something different? It took so long to get away from. Maybe I'm just listening to too much Nick Drake.
> :(Hi Eddie
Sometimes it's very hard to distinguish plain sadness form a "lurking" impending depression. In spite of a 12 years experience with depression, i still have problems figuring out wether i have subtle depressive symptoms or if i'm simply going through a bad period; since the bastard keeps changing, i'm still having a hard time figuring that it out.
I'll tell you about my experience, in case it might help.
I gradually became more and more fearful years ago ; i didn't feel comfortable walking along the streets at night and i was somehow scared by strangers; i felt somehow uneasy while waiting for the bus at night ;
it was such a subtle feeling that i couldn't understand wether it was depression or not; i didn't have any other symptom other then this strange fearfulness.
I decided to call my pdoc who told me that it was perfectly normal since i had matured and i wasn't a reckless and irresponsible little girl anymore. "It's perfectly normal for a mature woman to be scared at night when she's lonely and nobody is around" - he told me.
"But i used to be a very brave person even during my worst periods of depression" i replied.
"Now you've changed and you have to accept it: you probably were hypomanic years ago, now you're normal" he added.
It sounded kind of weird to me, but i accepted his interpretation. After a while i grew unexpectedely sad: i would see a dead bird in the middle of the road and i'll burst in to tears. Another strange reaction, at least for me; i've had been psychotic years before and never cried once. But depression changes over the years: unfortunately i didn't know it yet.
So i told myself : this is not depression, 'cause when i'm depressed i'm not sad, i'm horrified. Never been sad while i was depressed.
BAD MISTAKE, cause i relapsed a few months after that. (Note: i was unmedicated).Usually i ask myself the following question: is this normal FOR ME? Is this the real me? (another tricky question since long term depression alters personality also). Anyway, this question usually works for me more or less.
May be you need to adjust or change your medication, i don't know. Or may be it's just a little bit of winter blues.Hope it helped
Take care
Anna Laura
Posted by tina on November 28, 2002, at 11:36:47
In reply to Re: sudden sadness, posted by Anna Laura on November 27, 2002, at 12:07:41
> Usually i ask myself the following question: is this normal FOR ME? Is this the real me? (another tricky question since long term depression alters personality also). Anyway, this question usually works for me more or less.
Anna Laura
You say that long-term depression alters personality but asking yourself the question "is this the real me" helps. How do you know you are being truthful to yourself?
Whenever someone asks me what I want or who I am, I ALWAYS say I don't know. I have no idea what is the real me or what is true about me. I can't trust myself or my own thoughts and feelings.
How do you manage to distinguish between the "reality" and the "altered personality?"peace
tina
>
Posted by Anna Laura on November 28, 2002, at 19:43:32
In reply to Re: sudden sadness » Anna Laura, posted by tina on November 28, 2002, at 11:36:47
> > Usually i ask myself the following question: is this normal FOR ME? Is this the real me? (another tricky question since long term depression alters personality also). Anyway, this question usually works for me more or less.
>
> Anna Laura
> You say that long-term depression alters personality but asking yourself the question "is this the real me" helps. How do you know you are being truthful to yourself?
> Whenever someone asks me what I want or who I am, I ALWAYS say I don't know. I have no idea what is the real me or what is true about me. I can't trust myself or my own thoughts and feelings.
> How do you manage to distinguish between the "reality" and the "altered personality?"
>
> peace
> tina
> >
O.K., I managed to do that after a while. I'll tell you how i did it, but let me tell you a couple of things first: it worked for me, doesn't mean it'll work for you.
Second thing, in case it's going to work: it's a very very painful process and it's not instantaneous.
I'm going to use a bunch of metaphors to describe the process 'cause i can't find no other meaningful way to describe it.
Last thing: english is not my language: i tried as hard as i could to make this post understandable.I had found that, as far as i am concerned, my real self wasn't completelly vanished, well it did feel like it was gone for good but as i found out later, it had simply sinked deep down whereas before i could sense it just beneath the surface.
I think the emotional landscape that defined my personality had shrunk in to a map, you can't feel nor touch the hills, the mountains and the plains, but you can see them, if you focus on them.
It's like all the emotions and sensations i used to feel somehow converted themselves in to some sort of moral code.
Whereas before i could say what i liked and what i disliked just by "istinct" now i have to rely on this "moral code". Sometimes i have to work against myself for my own good, and believe me, it hurts.I'll make an example: a guy got killed by the police in my town during the G8 summit protest last year. I used to be a fervent activist and now i couldn't care less, so when i heard the news i thought : "well, he looked for it". But i heard like a distant bell ring inside of me and i felt ashamed for what i thought: that shame was the sign of a part of my old self that was buried deep inside of me.
My experience is that if i tried hard to trace my old self back i finally suceeded in finding it hid somewhere deep inside of me. The problem is why you would do such a thing.
I personally wanted to do it 'cause i didn't like what i had become, and i wanted to change it.
I had become a jealous and envious person, i had grown bitter and cynical, and a remote sense of shame and self-loath was the only thing that had survived of my old self, like a red-alarm constantly flagging.Little by little, day by day, i tried to break it down with all the possible means. At First pure reasoning was the first trigger in the long battle against myself.
It was like a constant, painful and tiresome self-interrogation.
"Why would you do such a thing, just to be a good person?" i'd argue. "Cause envy and jealouy take place when you're fragile and blow them away it'd make me stronger" - i'd reply." Let's say that you'll find it. - the other me said -"Why would you bring your twenty-some old self you're 33 now, it'd be pathetic! How could you adjust that old self to the person you're now?"
"If you bring a plant down the cellar and leave it there without light and with small amounts of water it'll never grow; but if you take the little plant outdoors and you give it some light and water, day after day, then it will grow; the same for the old self: it needs open air and constant feed-back with the outside environment to grow and mature".Second move: i tried to put down all the prejudices that have grown through the years that could jeopardize my change; (prejudices are like thick walls and you need to knock them down).
i.e. : being happy and trustful belongs to the young and naive, etc...That meant to put down my pride which wasn't simple either.
Finally i had to bear watching what i had become: i had to watch myself over and over, and i didn't like what i saw, believe me. Not to mention the constant disocciation between the two-selves.
Then i tried to connect as hard as i could to the other people 'cause when you're jealous and envious you're detached from the other people as well. It was like an excercise, a conscious effort and it didn't feel "natural" at all, but it grew natural with time (i'm talking about months).It worked, but it was just a strain and emotional turmoil that i relapsed. I was unmedicated, and didn't have any support whatsoever unfortunately : couldn't afford a therapist at that time; My fianceé grew suspicious when he noticed i wasn't jealous anymore and we were fighting every single day, for hours, just because of that.
That contributed to my emotional turmoil indeed.
I don't know if it works for everybody, but in case it does, i'd advice not to do it all by yourself: it'd would be better off to have a therapist or a counselor or someone else to assist you;
Posted by tina on November 29, 2002, at 7:40:07
In reply to Re: sudden sadness Tina, posted by Anna Laura on November 28, 2002, at 19:43:32
English may not be your first language Anna but that was one of the most understandable and articulate posts I've read in a long time. Thank you for outlining all of that for me. It was an eye opener. I am going to try to adopt some of your ideas into my own search for "self" and see how it goes.
All I can say is Wow and thank you very much for sharing it.
all the best
tina
Posted by IsoM on November 29, 2002, at 12:24:06
In reply to Re: sudden sadness Tina, posted by Anna Laura on November 28, 2002, at 19:43:32
Did you ever write me at the old email address as I've never received anything from you? I've also sent you a couple of emails to the old email addy I have of yours but don't know if you use it anymore. I'd love to get in touch with you again. Do you still want to?
Posted by Anna Laura on November 29, 2002, at 12:50:00
In reply to Anna Laura??? » Anna Laura, posted by IsoM on November 29, 2002, at 12:24:06
> Did you ever write me at the old email address as I've never received anything from you? I've also sent you a couple of emails to the old email addy I have of yours but don't know if you use it anymore. I'd love to get in touch with you again. Do you still want to?
Oh Judy! You didn't get my mail then!
I was too scared to ask 'cause i had posted it during a silly moment, it was weird and full of jokes and personal recallings from childhood all written in a tragic-comic manner.
When i realized i didn't get any answer from you i thought : "This is it; i've gone too far, my mail probably was too crazy and kind of self-absorbed for her to bear....
Where did my mail go then? I didn't get it back! May be it got lost somewhere in the web galaxy and got caught by some sociopathic voyeur: oh, i don't even want to think about it! oh boy!I'll send it back to you then. Could you post me your new address? my mail is: acabwork@tin.it
Hope i hear form you soon darling
Posted by IsoM on November 29, 2002, at 14:56:54
In reply to Re: Anna Laura??? Isom, posted by Anna Laura on November 29, 2002, at 12:50:00
You should check over your email any time. ^_^
This is the end of the thread.
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