Posted by Anna Laura on November 28, 2002, at 19:43:32
In reply to Re: sudden sadness » Anna Laura, posted by tina on November 28, 2002, at 11:36:47
> > Usually i ask myself the following question: is this normal FOR ME? Is this the real me? (another tricky question since long term depression alters personality also). Anyway, this question usually works for me more or less.
>
> Anna Laura
> You say that long-term depression alters personality but asking yourself the question "is this the real me" helps. How do you know you are being truthful to yourself?
> Whenever someone asks me what I want or who I am, I ALWAYS say I don't know. I have no idea what is the real me or what is true about me. I can't trust myself or my own thoughts and feelings.
> How do you manage to distinguish between the "reality" and the "altered personality?"
>
> peace
> tina
> >
O.K., I managed to do that after a while. I'll tell you how i did it, but let me tell you a couple of things first: it worked for me, doesn't mean it'll work for you.
Second thing, in case it's going to work: it's a very very painful process and it's not instantaneous.
I'm going to use a bunch of metaphors to describe the process 'cause i can't find no other meaningful way to describe it.
Last thing: english is not my language: i tried as hard as i could to make this post understandable.I had found that, as far as i am concerned, my real self wasn't completelly vanished, well it did feel like it was gone for good but as i found out later, it had simply sinked deep down whereas before i could sense it just beneath the surface.
I think the emotional landscape that defined my personality had shrunk in to a map, you can't feel nor touch the hills, the mountains and the plains, but you can see them, if you focus on them.
It's like all the emotions and sensations i used to feel somehow converted themselves in to some sort of moral code.
Whereas before i could say what i liked and what i disliked just by "istinct" now i have to rely on this "moral code". Sometimes i have to work against myself for my own good, and believe me, it hurts.I'll make an example: a guy got killed by the police in my town during the G8 summit protest last year. I used to be a fervent activist and now i couldn't care less, so when i heard the news i thought : "well, he looked for it". But i heard like a distant bell ring inside of me and i felt ashamed for what i thought: that shame was the sign of a part of my old self that was buried deep inside of me.
My experience is that if i tried hard to trace my old self back i finally suceeded in finding it hid somewhere deep inside of me. The problem is why you would do such a thing.
I personally wanted to do it 'cause i didn't like what i had become, and i wanted to change it.
I had become a jealous and envious person, i had grown bitter and cynical, and a remote sense of shame and self-loath was the only thing that had survived of my old self, like a red-alarm constantly flagging.Little by little, day by day, i tried to break it down with all the possible means. At First pure reasoning was the first trigger in the long battle against myself.
It was like a constant, painful and tiresome self-interrogation.
"Why would you do such a thing, just to be a good person?" i'd argue. "Cause envy and jealouy take place when you're fragile and blow them away it'd make me stronger" - i'd reply." Let's say that you'll find it. - the other me said -"Why would you bring your twenty-some old self you're 33 now, it'd be pathetic! How could you adjust that old self to the person you're now?"
"If you bring a plant down the cellar and leave it there without light and with small amounts of water it'll never grow; but if you take the little plant outdoors and you give it some light and water, day after day, then it will grow; the same for the old self: it needs open air and constant feed-back with the outside environment to grow and mature".Second move: i tried to put down all the prejudices that have grown through the years that could jeopardize my change; (prejudices are like thick walls and you need to knock them down).
i.e. : being happy and trustful belongs to the young and naive, etc...That meant to put down my pride which wasn't simple either.
Finally i had to bear watching what i had become: i had to watch myself over and over, and i didn't like what i saw, believe me. Not to mention the constant disocciation between the two-selves.
Then i tried to connect as hard as i could to the other people 'cause when you're jealous and envious you're detached from the other people as well. It was like an excercise, a conscious effort and it didn't feel "natural" at all, but it grew natural with time (i'm talking about months).It worked, but it was just a strain and emotional turmoil that i relapsed. I was unmedicated, and didn't have any support whatsoever unfortunately : couldn't afford a therapist at that time; My fianceé grew suspicious when he noticed i wasn't jealous anymore and we were fighting every single day, for hours, just because of that.
That contributed to my emotional turmoil indeed.
I don't know if it works for everybody, but in case it does, i'd advice not to do it all by yourself: it'd would be better off to have a therapist or a counselor or someone else to assist you;
poster:Anna Laura
thread:32762
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20021120/msgs/32812.html