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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by bonnie_ann on December 22, 2001, at 18:32:43
Every Holiday she gives my son candy and toys. She is re-married and takes care of their 17 year old autistic son.
I have never liked her for her interference in our relationship early on. I don't trust her at all.
She's money hungry - got herself a banker now.
I can't help but wonder what the hell this is all about.
Is this normal ? Is she trying to worm her way back in? Does she want my son? I'm being very calm about the whole thing and I will probably forget about it in a day or two. I don't want my son involved with her. I can't help but to feel threatend and if I bitch at my husband for letting this go on, He'll just bitch at me for not trusting him, and I will feel like an a------. I just need to talk it out before I work myself up into anxiety or get depressed.
Thanks,
Bonnie
Posted by Augusta on December 24, 2001, at 17:08:49
In reply to Husbands ex buys our son gifts........, posted by bonnie_ann on December 22, 2001, at 18:32:43
Bonnie,
My personal reaction is a very strong one -- this woman has no right to involve herself in your child's life, and you have every right to object and, indeed, to prohibit her involvement.
First of all, in general, a parent has a right to decide what other adults will be involved in his or her child's life. That goes double for who will be allowed to give a child presents, of whatever kind.
Second, I agree that this woman's motive is quite unknown. (And there is no obvious reason to assume it is a beneficent one.)
Of course, the issue has to be worked out with your husband, not only because you share your chid with him but also because it conceivably affects him on other levels as well (their autistic child, other unavoidable contacts).
I should think that, in general, a parent has a right to ask ANYONE not to give the parent's child presents. And if the person were to insist anyway, I think the parent should have the right simply to withhold the presents from the child.
Perhaps I am not being entirely fair, or perhaps there are facts I am overlooking or am unaware of. I hope that some others will also reply so that you will have a broader array of reactions to consult.
Posted by cmcdougall on December 26, 2001, at 9:49:28
In reply to Re: Husbands ex buys our son gifts........ » bonnie_ann, posted by Augusta on December 24, 2001, at 17:08:49
I am a second wife and step-mom with a lot of experience in these matters. You don't say how often you see your husband's ex, or what kind of relationship you have with her in general, but here's my advice....
Pick your battles carefully - this woman is the mother of your step-child and unfortunately will be in your life FOREVER. Sorry, but thats the truth. Even after your stepchild turns 18, there is still college, wedding, holidays, grandchildren, etc.
No, you don't know what motivation is behind the gift. Unless you have proof that she is psychotic, take the gift at face value. Just say thanks and leave it at that. Believe me, there will be other issues that you can go to battle over. Save your energy for the serious things and try not to antagonize the ex. She has power over your husband's child and can REALLY make your life hell if she wants to.
There is a great support website for second wives and fathers' rights - www.deltabravo.net
Good luck,
Carly
Posted by Mair on December 26, 2001, at 17:48:33
In reply to Pick your battles wisely, posted by cmcdougall on December 26, 2001, at 9:49:28
Sorry but I'm with Carly on this one. Sure this woman is your husband's ex, but she is also the mother of your son's half brother. And, yes, she will be a part of your life for years to come, and hopefully her son will continue to be a part of your husband's and your son's lives, not to mention yours.
My parents didn't split until I was out of college and a few years after that, my father remarried. For years things were awful between my mother and father and family ocassions of any sort were extremely awkward. Really it was my father's wife who made alot of overtures to my mother to make her feel more comfortable, and last night I marveled at the sight of the 2 of them washing dishes together at my house. This is by no means a wonderful dynamic - my stepmother drives me and my siblings nuts and my father sometimes acts like an idiot around my mother and my mother still is visibly uncomfortable around my father - BUT things are tons better than they were and my siblings and I no longer have to race around trying to manage "dual" holidays and worrying about the fact that at some point the 3 of them might end up in the same room forced to try to talk to one another. It's wonderful not to have to be a buffer and you run some risk that you'll force your son to be one.
Mair
Posted by bonnie_ann on December 28, 2001, at 18:12:10
In reply to Re: Pick your battles wisely, posted by Mair on December 26, 2001, at 17:48:33
> Sorry but I'm with Carly on this one. Sure this woman is your husband's ex, but she is also the mother of your son's half brother. And, yes, she will be a part of your life for years to come, and hopefully her son will continue to be a part of your husband's and your son's lives, not to mention yours.
>
> My parents didn't split until I was out of college and a few years after that, my father remarried. For years things were awful between my mother and father and family ocassions of any sort were extremely awkward. Really it was my father's wife who made alot of overtures to my mother to make her feel more comfortable, and last night I marveled at the sight of the 2 of them washing dishes together at my house. This is by no means a wonderful dynamic - my stepmother drives me and my siblings nuts and my father sometimes acts like an idiot around my mother and my mother still is visibly uncomfortable around my father - BUT things are tons better than they were and my siblings and I no longer have to race around trying to manage "dual" holidays and worrying about the fact that at some point the 3 of them might end up in the same room forced to try to talk to one another. It's wonderful not to have to be a buffer and you run some risk that you'll force your son to be one.
>
> MairThank you for your advice. After I stewed over it a day I told my husband that I didn't want her buying gifts anymore. His reply was that "It made his day" I immediately told him that I want to be the one making his day. And that It wasn't her place to buy him gifts. He said OK and that was it- no arguement - and I was ready to go at it with him if he objected.
We'll see what happens.
It's just that I feel being a Mom and having to make sure he eats his dinner and brushes his teeth,wakes up for school, changes his underwear- (he has a thing for not changing it) cleans his room and does his homework- doesn't much "make his day". Some of the time he says I'm mean and I don't do this or that for him you know? It's all insecurity on my part. I know he says it in frustration. I worry he may compare me to her, and I don't think that I'm good enough- she'd be better for him...... whatever. Then there's the other part of me that will fight it and be mad just so I don't have to be afraid.
Whatever -
Thanks,
Bonnie
Posted by shelliR on December 30, 2001, at 21:44:02
In reply to Re: Pick your battles wisely, posted by bonnie_ann on December 28, 2001, at 18:12:10
>
> Thank you for your advice. After I stewed over it a day I told my husband that I didn't want her buying gifts anymore. His reply was that "It made his day" I immediately told him that I want to be the one making his day. And that It wasn't her place to buy him gifts. He said OK and that was it- no arguement - and I was ready to go at it with him if he objected.
> We'll see what happens.
> It's just that I feel being a Mom and having to make sure he eats his dinner and brushes his teeth,wakes up for school, changes his underwear- (he has a thing for not changing it) cleans his room and does his homework- doesn't much "make his day". Some of the time he says I'm mean and I don't do this or that for him you know? It's all insecurity on my part. I know he says it in frustration. I worry he may compare me to her, and I don't think that I'm good enough- she'd be better for him...... whatever. Then there's the other part of me that will fight it and be mad just so I don't have to be afraid.
> Whatever -
> Thanks,
> BonnieHi Bonnie,
First, I'll ask a question: are you in any type of counseling or therapy?
I'll throw out something that I don't think I've ever thrown out before on this board. It seems to me that counseling (group or individual) might benefit you a lot.
The reason it comes to mind is because you threw out a situation, and were given some excellent advice by several posters--to pick your battles carefully. Yet, still you choose to go with your insecurity.
There could never be too many people to show caring or love to a child. Someone else's caring or manifestation of caring could never diminish your own.
Your son is only young once--it just occurs to me that you might benefit from having someone around to discuss ways to handle your insecurity that wouldn't affect your son or your marriage. (I think you might feel some shame when your son is a young adult and finds out that you put a stop to presents he was getting from his step brother's mom, because of your own insecurity.)
Insecurity isn't something that should be managed by "controlling" situations. It should be managed by your head, until it can be worked out in your heart and your mind.
If my advice feelings demeaning or cold, just ignore it, please. It's not at all meant that way; there's some saying that I can't exactly remember, but it has to do with heeding advise. Something about ignoring the first, paying attention to the second and taking seriously something by the time three people agree. So I am the third to see your situation very similarly as the last two posters.
Take care,
Shelli
Posted by Augusta on December 31, 2001, at 2:22:10
In reply to Re: Pick your battles wisely » bonnie_ann, posted by shelliR on December 30, 2001, at 21:44:02
Hi Bonnie, Hi Shelli,
I am kind of with Shelli, in that I was surprised the Bonnie did not take the advice of cmcdougall and Mair. After reading their responses, I myself had had the impression that although my post may very well have been "correct," that theirs were quite likely wiser.
I have to say, however, that I do not agree that a child cannot have too many people who care about him. There are plenty of toxic people around, and manipulative people, and etc. So that I do feel that this is quite an overstatement.
Still, I think it might be helpful, Bonnie, if you wanted, to take a second look at some of the things that seem to be going on.
Completely setting apart the issue of the ex-wife, do you really not feel confident in your relationship with your son, that it is a loving and essentially constructive one? Do you do other things with your son besides the "Mom" kinds of things?
Or taking it from a different tack, is there something going on with your son, perhaps, that makes it hard for him to do these things himself? (Here I am just noticing that you feel you have to "push" to have him do just the ordinary chores of living. Have you thought of ADD or some such possibility?)
My impression is that the ex-wife probably really doesn't matter much here. The crux of it seems to be your concern over the quality of your own relationship with your son -- whether it is good, whether it could be better, how it could be better, all that kind of thing.
Your relationship with your son might, in fact, be great. It might be very good in light of other difficulties that impinge on the situation.
Alternatively, it could possibly use some work too. Perhaps you could make some changes in what you do, what he does, what you focus on, that would make it nicer for both of you.
Ultimately, though, I am hearing (I think) that you are concerned about your own loveability. Please be sure you are loveable. And please know that no one can ever take your place in your son's heart.
Posted by bonnie_ann on January 1, 2002, at 15:12:14
In reply to To Bonnie and Shelli, posted by Augusta on December 31, 2001, at 2:22:10
>
I can't remember the first time she did it.
I thought nothing of it- it wasn't a big deal.
My son is very likeable and is a very caring considerate child. I was proud that she thought well of him too.
I'm ashamed of my lack of involvement in my step sons life. I have to say that he does not speak and may be partially deaf and partially blind. Over the years - christmas, birthday gifts that we have bought for him have been returned to us.
I just stopped participating in that. My husband gives money now - which seems to make her happy.
During my husbands visitation -I am working I have not seen him in a few years. I have not seen my husbands ex since I was pregnant with ours. We have never exchanged words. Except when she called for him - which ended after numerous fights with him.
She held up the divorce - he was married when I gave birth. It was a very depressing time for me.
So I'm skeptical of her motives. She gives him candy and cheap toys.
I have anxiety and have been insecure for a while.
I used to drink and smoke - now I have to take medication- it hasn't made everything all better, just more managable. I am in therapy and my husband and my sister have been very supportive.
My son and husband are my life. I'm not sure of myself and I think people take advantage of me.
Bonnie
Posted by shellir on January 1, 2002, at 23:24:36
In reply to At first it was OK......., posted by bonnie_ann on January 1, 2002, at 15:12:14
> I used to drink and smoke - now I have to take medication- it hasn't made everything all better, just more managable. I am in therapy and my husband and my sister have been very supportive.
Hi Bonnie,
I'd glad that you are in therapy and I think that you should feel very proud that you have given up both cigarettes and drinking. I am also happy for you that you have support from both your husband and sister. It seems like you are absolutely moving in a good direction and it is paying off. Giving up drinking is huge.
Wishing you the best for the New Year.
Shelli
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