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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 19 to 43 of 43. Go back in thread:
Posted by akc on December 5, 2001, at 18:08:57
In reply to Re: But why? » Dinah, posted by Cam W. on December 4, 2001, at 8:27:52
Cam,
There are all sorts of things we do that are "bad" for us. Overeating has a definite link to heart disease and other problems. Not getting enough exercise, drinking too much, smoking. I could lengthen this list. But people reach out to these things as a way to cope. The problem with cutting is that it is not an socially "acceptable" coping form. Just your reaction to this thread is a perfect demonstration of that. Where you might encourage a friend to lose some weight or give up smoking because of the harm it does to one's body, you post about the risks of cutting came across as condescending and holier than thou -- not supportive.
I think one of the important things about having discussions about why people might cut is that it helps others to see it as a form of coping -- and then it hopefully will help others respond in a loving, gentle manner in leading them to less harmful ways of dealing with the extreme pain they are in.
And as I have said before here and elsewhere, just telling a person not to do something because it is harmful, wrong, stupid, etc. -- that does not work. Sometimes even offering them another option still does not do the trick. I'm making the choice tonight to take this "easy" road -- I'm in great pain, I don't want to be doped up on alcohol or a benzo (the xanax I could snitch from dog or the klonopin my doctor has offered) because I have a huge project for work I must finished -- but I need a break from what I am going through. And I have no better immediate solution than cutting. It works for me -- or I would not do it, nor would others.
I know it seems odd that inflicting wounds on one's body would offer a respite from emotional pain. Even all the reading I have done, it still amazes me that I make this choice. And while you might not understand the choice or agree with it, I hope you can learn some gentleness to offer those who make the choice.
akc
Posted by Dinah on December 5, 2001, at 18:24:02
In reply to Re: But why? » Cam W., posted by akc on December 5, 2001, at 18:08:57
akc,
I'm so sorry for your pain.
If you do make the decision to cut, please try to minimize the damage. We care about you and would hate to see you inadvertantly injure yourself more than intended. And maybe you could make one more try at calling your therapist first? I think I remember that you've gone a while without self injuring and are justifiably proud of that. And by the way, a small dose of Klonopin never interferes with my ability to work or to stay up all night if necessary.
Keep safe.
Dinah
Posted by akc on December 5, 2001, at 18:51:09
In reply to Re: But why? » akc, posted by Dinah on December 5, 2001, at 18:24:02
I have spoken with my t and my pdoc in the past two hours. I've just reached this point where I have to do this. But thanks for the suggestions.
akc
Posted by IsoM on December 5, 2001, at 18:55:27
In reply to Re: But why? » akc, posted by Dinah on December 5, 2001, at 18:24:02
This may seem like the most ignorant question in the world to those who cut themselves, but I have no idea, & I figure only those who feel this way can answer it.
My question is - If you're preparing a meal & have to cut vegetables or more so, meat, does it ever give a similar feel of satisfaction or relaxation like cutting yourself does?
The reason I'm asking is that I'm a picker - I've managed to keep it enough under control that I just pick at the skin at the sides of my nails - sometimes till it bleeds. But I've found that if my fingers are busy picking away at other things, it feels just as satisfying. Not all things feel the same, it has to have a 'certain feel' to it & a resistance to be pulled off but I can substitute inanimate things for the feeling.
I was wondering if cutting into pieces of meat or something with a certain give would help satisfy those cravings or needs without injuring yourself.
Please forgive me if this question seems stupid. Not being a cutter, I'm not sure how exactly you feel about something. I'm not trying to take a holier-than-you approach - just looking for a substitute.
Posted by tina on December 5, 2001, at 19:08:22
In reply to Cutting Anything Else Feel Good?, posted by IsoM on December 5, 2001, at 18:55:27
IsoM
For ME anyway, it wouldn't be the same at all. Not satisfying. I need to 'feel' it myself. It's not the simple act of cutting, it's the release, the pain is the part I personally like. It distracts, releases and makes tangible what seems ghostly, intangible.
It's very hard to explain. Cutting something else just wouldn't suffice. Not in my case.
No question is stupid, I just don't know how to answer yours.
> This may seem like the most ignorant question in the world to those who cut themselves, but I have no idea, & I figure only those who feel this way can answer it.
>
> My question is - If you're preparing a meal & have to cut vegetables or more so, meat, does it ever give a similar feel of satisfaction or relaxation like cutting yourself does?
>
> The reason I'm asking is that I'm a picker - I've managed to keep it enough under control that I just pick at the skin at the sides of my nails - sometimes till it bleeds. But I've found that if my fingers are busy picking away at other things, it feels just as satisfying. Not all things feel the same, it has to have a 'certain feel' to it & a resistance to be pulled off but I can substitute inanimate things for the feeling.
>
> I was wondering if cutting into pieces of meat or something with a certain give would help satisfy those cravings or needs without injuring yourself.
>
> Please forgive me if this question seems stupid. Not being a cutter, I'm not sure how exactly you feel about something. I'm not trying to take a holier-than-you approach - just looking for a substitute.
Posted by tina on December 5, 2001, at 19:12:27
In reply to Re: But why? » Dinah, posted by akc on December 5, 2001, at 18:51:09
Try to keep the cuts small.
I'm sorry you're having such a rotten time akc. I know where you are coming from and I know how hard it is not to cut. I hope you get some relief.
Keep talking, OK....
hugs
tina
> I have spoken with my t and my pdoc in the past two hours. I've just reached this point where I have to do this. But thanks for the suggestions.
>
> akc
Posted by Katey on December 5, 2001, at 19:22:06
In reply to Re: But why? » akc, posted by tina on December 5, 2001, at 19:12:27
ive come to the conclusion that cutters are more in control than people like me who scratch. they know exactly how their doing it, just how hard to push, when to stop, and how to bandage. the only time that i scratch is when i lose control and everything spirals down. i dont break skin, i do it for the burning sensations and the 'art' of the marks left until they fade. i think it would be healthier, maybe not safer, but probably healthier to be a cutter.
Posted by IsoM on December 5, 2001, at 19:38:57
In reply to Re: Cutting Anything Else Feel Good? » IsoM, posted by tina on December 5, 2001, at 19:08:22
Thanks for letting me know, Tina. I didn't realise pain was part of it. Just another question - is seeing the blood flow part of it too, or could you substitute pain without actually getting cut?
My good feeling comes from pulling whatever I've picked off. Pain doesn't enter into it at all. I'm just the sort of person who's always looking for an answer to something, how to fix things. I'm a woman but I'm told I tend to think like a guy - you know how women will just listen to someone's problems, but a guy tries to fix it? That's me. I had to play the part of mother & father so I had to fit both roles.
> IsoM
> For ME anyway, it wouldn't be the same at all. Not satisfying. I need to 'feel' it myself. It's not the simple act of cutting, it's the release, the pain is the part I personally like. It distracts, releases and makes tangible what seems ghostly, intangible.
> It's very hard to explain. Cutting something else just wouldn't suffice. Not in my case.
> No question is stupid, I just don't know how to answer yours.
>
>
> > This may seem like the most ignorant question in the world to those who cut themselves, but I have no idea, & I figure only those who feel this way can answer it.
> >
> > My question is - If you're preparing a meal & have to cut vegetables or more so, meat, does it ever give a similar feel of satisfaction or relaxation like cutting yourself does?
> >
> > The reason I'm asking is that I'm a picker - I've managed to keep it enough under control that I just pick at the skin at the sides of my nails - sometimes till it bleeds. But I've found that if my fingers are busy picking away at other things, it feels just as satisfying. Not all things feel the same, it has to have a 'certain feel' to it & a resistance to be pulled off but I can substitute inanimate things for the feeling.
> >
> > I was wondering if cutting into pieces of meat or something with a certain give would help satisfy those cravings or needs without injuring yourself.
> >
> > Please forgive me if this question seems stupid. Not being a cutter, I'm not sure how exactly you feel about something. I'm not trying to take a holier-than-you approach - just looking for a substitute.
Posted by tina on December 5, 2001, at 21:12:26
In reply to Re: Cutting Anything Else Feel Good? » tina, posted by IsoM on December 5, 2001, at 19:38:57
Oh yeah IsoM, I need the blood too. I started out as a puncher and still enjoy the feeling of punching walls and other hard objects until I can see and feel the warm blood running down my hands and dripping on the ground. Same with the cutting. I love the feel of the blood and the pain. I push myself harder each time because my pain threshold gets higher each time. I prefer the punching of walls but I cut and scratch and burn too. For me, there's a lot of self-punishment feelings involved too. I am a spoiled brat from way back and I guess, since no one punished me for the nasty things I did and sometimes still do, I punish myself. I believe I am not a very nice or smart or attractive person so I need to be punished for that. No one agrees with me so I punish myself.
But I gotta say, I love the feeling of watching the blood run. It's warm. Sometimes its my only proof of life.
> Thanks for letting me know, Tina. I didn't realise pain was part of it. Just another question - is seeing the blood flow part of it too, or could you substitute pain without actually getting cut?
>
> My good feeling comes from pulling whatever I've picked off. Pain doesn't enter into it at all. I'm just the sort of person who's always looking for an answer to something, how to fix things. I'm a woman but I'm told I tend to think like a guy - you know how women will just listen to someone's problems, but a guy tries to fix it? That's me. I had to play the part of mother & father so I had to fit both roles.
>
> > IsoM
> > For ME anyway, it wouldn't be the same at all. Not satisfying. I need to 'feel' it myself. It's not the simple act of cutting, it's the release, the pain is the part I personally like. It distracts, releases and makes tangible what seems ghostly, intangible.
> > It's very hard to explain. Cutting something else just wouldn't suffice. Not in my case.
> > No question is stupid, I just don't know how to answer yours.
> >
> >
> > > This may seem like the most ignorant question in the world to those who cut themselves, but I have no idea, & I figure only those who feel this way can answer it.
> > >
> > > My question is - If you're preparing a meal & have to cut vegetables or more so, meat, does it ever give a similar feel of satisfaction or relaxation like cutting yourself does?
> > >
> > > The reason I'm asking is that I'm a picker - I've managed to keep it enough under control that I just pick at the skin at the sides of my nails - sometimes till it bleeds. But I've found that if my fingers are busy picking away at other things, it feels just as satisfying. Not all things feel the same, it has to have a 'certain feel' to it & a resistance to be pulled off but I can substitute inanimate things for the feeling.
> > >
> > > I was wondering if cutting into pieces of meat or something with a certain give would help satisfy those cravings or needs without injuring yourself.
> > >
> > > Please forgive me if this question seems stupid. Not being a cutter, I'm not sure how exactly you feel about something. I'm not trying to take a holier-than-you approach - just looking for a substitute.
Posted by IsoM on December 5, 2001, at 21:20:32
In reply to Re: Cutting Anything Else Feel Good? » IsoM, posted by tina on December 5, 2001, at 21:12:26
Ah well, Tina, it's something I can sympathise with but not empathise as I know if you don't have that particular mind frame, even the best-intentioned person can't understand it. I think my 19 year old son has what you have somewhat. He's got my type of depression but he loves to endure pain. He says it gives him a feeling of control to see how far he can test his body. He can't understand when I'm in pain from something why I can't just control it like he does. I never quite knew what he meant before. I guess I do now. When I see him again, I'll have to ask. He liked hitting things too but not to injure & wreck them but to test his strength & pain limits. It scares me sometimes on how our brains can be so screwed up.
Posted by akc on December 5, 2001, at 22:42:19
In reply to Cutting Anything Else Feel Good?, posted by IsoM on December 5, 2001, at 18:55:27
I think it is very different for every person who cuts. I don't like to feel any pain whatsoever. For me I like the challenge on seeing how deeply I can cut without causing any pain. The act of doing so, the concentration, I go almost into a dissociative state. Out of this, it helps stop the brain storm I am in. Usually, I become quite calm (too calm, sometimes -- it has worried an er doc or two). The blood is almost a nuisance to me. Cutting on something else would not do -- because of the need to prevent feeling the pain. That is part of the ritual for me.
I don't know if this makes sense at all -- it is quite different than why others do it.
I have wanted in the past to feel pain -- and have tried punching things, etc. But at heart I am a wimp, and cannot cause myself too much pain.
akc
Posted by IsoM on December 5, 2001, at 22:59:32
In reply to Re: Cutting Anything Else Feel Good? » IsoM, posted by akc on December 5, 2001, at 22:42:19
Cutting is only something I've read about before but never actually knew anyone who did it. Even when a "disorder" is given the same label or name, it still seems to vary so much between people. I think it's like when different people love or hate the same thing, the reasons they love or hate it can be completely different.
All the different posts enlighten me a little more. Thanks.
> I think it is very different for every person who cuts. I don't like to feel any pain whatsoever. For me I like the challenge on seeing how deeply I can cut without causing any pain. The act of doing so, the concentration, I go almost into a dissociative state. Out of this, it helps stop the brain storm I am in. Usually, I become quite calm (too calm, sometimes -- it has worried an er doc or two). The blood is almost a nuisance to me. Cutting on something else would not do -- because of the need to prevent feeling the pain. That is part of the ritual for me.
>
> I don't know if this makes sense at all -- it is quite different than why others do it.
>
> I have wanted in the past to feel pain -- and have tried punching things, etc. But at heart I am a wimp, and cannot cause myself too much pain.
>
> akc
Posted by judy1 on December 6, 2001, at 0:51:22
In reply to Re: But why?, posted by Dinah on December 5, 2001, at 17:57:31
I don't know if you read my previous message. I wanted to stress if you are not really ready to stop then nothing anybody can tell you on this board is going to make you stop. There are the substitutions- ice, rubberbands on your wrist that you snap, getting rid of sharp objects in your home (razors,etc)- none of which worked for me because I don't know I'm doing it. The best way (if you are serious) is to see a psychologist trained in dealing with self-injurers- Marsha Linehan (sp?) is the person who developed the therapy (and I know they are difficult to find) and learn alternate ways to cope. I have learned to ground myself when I feel particularly stressed- for some reason curling my toes really seems to help, but my reasons to cut are different than yours. I wish you all the best- judy
Posted by Cecilia on December 6, 2001, at 2:29:09
In reply to Re: Cutting Anything Else Feel Good? » IsoM, posted by tina on December 5, 2001, at 21:12:26
> Oh yeah IsoM, I need the blood too. I started out as a puncher and still enjoy the feeling of punching walls and other hard objects until I can see and feel the warm blood running down my hands and dripping on the ground. Same with the cutting. I love the feel of the blood and the pain. I push myself harder each time because my pain threshold gets higher each time. I prefer the punching of walls but I cut and scratch and burn too. For me, there's a lot of self-punishment feelings involved too. I am a spoiled brat from way back and I guess, since no one punished me for the nasty things I did and sometimes still do, I punish myself. I believe I am not a very nice or smart or attractive person so I need to be punished for that. No one agrees with me so I punish myself.
> But I gotta say, I love the feeling of watching the blood run. It's warm. Sometimes its my only proof of life.
>
>
> > Thanks for letting me know, Tina. I didn't realise pain was part of it. Just another question - is seeing the blood flow part of it too, or could you substitute pain without actually getting cut?
> >
> > My good feeling comes from pulling whatever I've picked off. Pain doesn't enter into it at all. I'm just the sort of person who's always looking for an answer to something, how to fix things. I'm a woman but I'm told I tend to think like a guy - you know how women will just listen to someone's problems, but a guy tries to fix it? That's me. I had to play the part of mother & father so I had to fit both roles.
> >
> > > IsoM
> > > For ME anyway, it wouldn't be the same at all. Not satisfying. I need to 'feel' it myself. It's not the simple act of cutting, it's the release, the pain is the part I personally like. It distracts, releases and makes tangible what seems ghostly, intangible.
> > > It's very hard to explain. Cutting something else just wouldn't suffice. Not in my case.
> > > No question is stupid, I just don't know how to answer yours.
> > >
> > >
> > > > This may seem like the most ignorant question in the world to those who cut themselves, but I have no idea, & I figure only those who feel this way can answer it.
> > > >
> > > > My question is - If you're preparing a meal & have to cut vegetables or more so, meat, does it ever give a similar feel of satisfaction or relaxation like cutting yourself does?
> > > >
> > > > The reason I'm asking is that I'm a picker - I've managed to keep it enough under control that I just pick at the skin at the sides of my nails - sometimes till it bleeds. But I've found that if my fingers are busy picking away at other things, it feels just as satisfying. Not all things feel the same, it has to have a 'certain feel' to it & a resistance to be pulled off but I can substitute inanimate things for the feeling.
> > > >
> > > > I was wondering if cutting into pieces of meat or something with a certain give would help satisfy those cravings or needs without injuring yourself.
> > > >
> > > > Please forgive me if this question seems stupid. Not being a cutter, I'm not sure how exactly you feel about something. I'm not trying to take a holier-than-you approach - just looking for a substitute.Tina, you are not a spoiled brat. The person from the past who called you one most likely hurt you physically as well and now you have taken over their job. The best reason not to cut is because it`s letting the abuser win. Cecilia
Posted by Dinah on December 6, 2001, at 6:06:28
In reply to To Dinah, posted by judy1 on December 6, 2001, at 0:51:22
Thanks Judy,
I did read the message. I'm just not quite sure how to respond. I've got all Linehan's books and videos and am trying to decide which techniques will be helpful for me. I'm very impressed with her conceptualization of BPD and astounded how she explains things it took years of observation for me to figure out. It is very reassuring, just as an example, to know that I am not the only one who leaves my therapist feeling fine, only to realize an hour later that I am terribly upset and just didn't know it. Right now I'm pointing out things from her book to my therapist.
The trouble is that Linehan's work is aimed at borderline behaviors. Except for cutting and a very few fear of abandonment behaviors with my therapist, I think it would be generally agreed that while I might feel borderline, I don't really "do" borderline. I really don't mean anything negative by that. It's just that I'm generally thought of as an intellectualizing repressed individual who doesn't express emotions enough. Most of the rule out personality disorder diagnoses I have gotten have been in the "odd" cluster (schizoid, schizotypal). Most of her techniques are "tricks" I have taught myself over the years. And even Linehan's outcome studies show that her results are better with the behaviors than the underlying feelings.
I do want to stop cutting. It's just that my personality style is to find intellectual and practical reasons to stop (Linehan just seems to offer the societal "Because I said so") and functional alternatives to cutting. I'm certainly not trying to challenge anyone or argue in favor of cutting. Quite the contrary, especially since it scares me that not everyone is as inordinately careful with the self injury as I am. I am afraid for others who self injure in a less controlled way at the same time I feel enormous compassion for the pain that leads them to do it.
I know this post is terribly long, but I just wanted to clarify my position towards cutting since I am afraid it might have been misunderstood. It's just a difference in personality styles and motivation.
Incidentally, I would love to have a separate thread discussing Linehan's theories and DBT techniques. Anyone interested?
Posted by akc on December 6, 2001, at 6:28:00
In reply to Re: To Dinah » judy1, posted by Dinah on December 6, 2001, at 6:06:28
>Except for cutting and a very few fear of abandonment behaviors with my therapist, I think it would be generally agreed that while I might feel borderline, I don't really "do" borderline.
>It's just that I'm generally thought of as an intellectualizing repressed individual who doesn't express emotions enough.
> I do want to stop cutting. It's just that my personality style is to find intellectual and practical reasons to stop (Linehan just seems to offer the societal "Because I said so") and functional alternatives to cutting.
Dinah,
I want to thank you for articulating some thoughts in a manner I have needed for some time. The above quotes are powerful to me because they in so many ways describe me. Thank you for sharing.
akc
Posted by NikkiT2 on December 6, 2001, at 7:46:47
In reply to Cutting Anything Else Feel Good?, posted by IsoM on December 5, 2001, at 18:55:27
I h ave always been into cooking as a means of "relaxation", and find chopping onions utterly cathartic... but cutting myself is utterly different... Its when I get into the total utter black void where nothing makes any sense, and I am going to kill myself. This normally only happens when I'm in a psychotic faze, and by cutting i am concentrating feelings somewhere else.. To have pain other than in my brain... I never use sharp knives or blades, always crappy blunt ones that hurt like hell...
When I feel just bad, I have taken to plucking these days - it concentrates me onsomething, hurts a little, and is alot less destructive. But when I;m in my worst of places, there is nothing esle i can do other than cut...
Thing is, I always totally hate myself for it afterwards.
Nikki
> This may seem like the most ignorant question in the world to those who cut themselves, but I have no idea, & I figure only those who feel this way can answer it.
>
> My question is - If you're preparing a meal & have to cut vegetables or more so, meat, does it ever give a similar feel of satisfaction or relaxation like cutting yourself does?
>
> The reason I'm asking is that I'm a picker - I've managed to keep it enough under control that I just pick at the skin at the sides of my nails - sometimes till it bleeds. But I've found that if my fingers are busy picking away at other things, it feels just as satisfying. Not all things feel the same, it has to have a 'certain feel' to it & a resistance to be pulled off but I can substitute inanimate things for the feeling.
>
> I was wondering if cutting into pieces of meat or something with a certain give would help satisfy those cravings or needs without injuring yourself.
>
> Please forgive me if this question seems stupid. Not being a cutter, I'm not sure how exactly you feel about something. I'm not trying to take a holier-than-you approach - just looking for a substitute.
Posted by judy1 on December 6, 2001, at 10:14:53
In reply to Re: To Dinah » judy1, posted by Dinah on December 6, 2001, at 6:06:28
You sound very together, so intellectually I can give you no reasons to stop. My therapist is trained in DBT and is extremely helpful to me, but again I am diagnosed DD-NOS and my reasons to stop are different than yours. Are you in a relationship? Does it bother your spouse/SO? I guess those could be reasons. But if you cut in a safe manner and don't lose control (no trips to the ER for stitches?) then it is your personal choice and I agree not nearly as damaging as a lot of other behaviors. Take care, judy
Posted by Dinah on December 6, 2001, at 10:20:08
In reply to Re: To Dinah, posted by judy1 on December 6, 2001, at 10:14:53
> You sound very together, so intellectually I can give you no reasons to stop. My therapist is trained in DBT and is extremely helpful to me, but again I am diagnosed DD-NOS and my reasons to stop are different than yours. Are you in a relationship? Does it bother your spouse/SO? I guess those could be reasons. But if you cut in a safe manner and don't lose control (no trips to the ER for stitches?) then it is your personal choice and I agree not nearly as damaging as a lot of other behaviors. Take care, judy
Thanks Judy,
No trips to the ER, very safe cutting (sterilize and everything). It bothers my spouse, but just about everything bothers my spouse, so...
I'll keep deciding not to cut one day at a time.And I wish I were very together.
Posted by Dinah on December 6, 2001, at 10:38:17
In reply to Re: To Dinah, posted by akc on December 6, 2001, at 6:28:00
> Dinah,
>
> I want to thank you for articulating some thoughts in a manner I have needed for some time. The above quotes are powerful to me because they in so many ways describe me. Thank you for sharing.
>
> akcThanks akc,
I hope you are feeling better. Please don't take this in any way as a criticism because I really do feel the pain behind your actions. We all do what we need to do to survive.
But if you are looking for a practical reason not to cut, your trip to the ER might provide one. I'm guessing it took needed time from your project and involved some interactions you would have probably rather avoided. Again, there is no intent to be judgmental in that statement. It is just my probably overintellectualized take on the situation. I've always been terrified of a fuss, and if it didn't stop me from cutting, it at least gave me a practical reason to be very very careful.Dinah
Posted by Dinah on December 6, 2001, at 11:01:43
In reply to a thought, posted by Katey on December 5, 2001, at 19:22:06
> ive come to the conclusion that cutters are more in control than people like me who scratch. they know exactly how their doing it, just how hard to push, when to stop, and how to bandage. the only time that i scratch is when i lose control and everything spirals down. i dont break skin, i do it for the burning sensations and the 'art' of the marks left until they fade. i think it would be healthier, maybe not safer, but probably healthier to be a cutter.
Katey,
Please don't romanticize cutting. Cutters are as out of control as anyone, maybe even more so. Cutting is the last grasp at control. It takes a lot more control and is a lot healthier to know how to stop at scratching. I do that sometimes. It works about as well as cutting and has less consequences. When I cut I'm way more out of control than when I scratch. It's hard to explain, my cutting is controlled but I am out of control. And I doubt there is a cutter out there who has never lost control of how hard to push or when to stop.
By the way, my latest battle with urges to cut started with the trigger of the ER show depicting a cutter. It is about as far out of control as you can get to be triggered to spend hours and days obsessing about cutting over a short scene in a TV show.
Posted by akc on December 6, 2001, at 11:30:14
In reply to Re: a thought » Katey, posted by Dinah on December 6, 2001, at 11:01:43
>It's hard to explain, my cutting is controlled but I am out of control. And I doubt there is a cutter out there who has never lost control of how hard to push or when to stop.
Katey,
I'm with Dinah on this -- when I talked about my cutting, for me it is about control -- I'm in control of the act as I do it, but I am beyond control once I have made the decision to cut. The energy that several people have put forth this week to keep me safe has been incredible -- but I have spiraled to the point of no return. And while I may be "proud" in how neatly and pain free I did my cutting, I did end up in an ER getting several stiches. There is nothing pretty about what happened last night -- and in reality nothing about control whatsoever.
akc
Posted by judy1 on December 6, 2001, at 17:02:41
In reply to Re: a thought » Katey, posted by Dinah on December 6, 2001, at 11:01:43
That's interesting, the ER show triggered me also. I would be curious how many others were affected. BTW, it's common knowledge that a lot of cutters learn when watching others in a psych ward setting (espec. adolescents).- judy
Posted by Katey on December 6, 2001, at 20:58:19
In reply to Re: a thought -- Katey, posted by akc on December 6, 2001, at 11:30:14
i apologize, i didnt mean to romanticize or generalize cutting. its just hard to imagine something more out of control than what happens to me. its not dissociative, but its like i lose my humanity. i have no control over my body, at one point it got so bad i started biting. thats lack of control. i very honestly do not like cutting, ive talked atleast ten people out of it in the past three years. but i was also the one inspecting the marks the next day and telling them how to bandage it. cutting hurts so many more people than the cutter, but i cant condem it because i would feel like a hypocrite. in a sense i'm a lot like tina, i do it to feel the pain, reminds me that im alive.
Posted by Dinah on December 6, 2001, at 21:32:15
In reply to Re: a thought , posted by Katey on December 6, 2001, at 20:58:19
No need to apologize. You didn't in any way offend. My concern was for you. I'm glad you have no intention of escalating from scratching to cutting. It really isn't the best way to cope and it's easier not to start than to quit.
This is the end of the thread.
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