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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by akc on August 23, 2001, at 12:04:39
I appreciate your concerns about my mom. Her cancer is not the problem that will cause her death -- the type of lung cancer is very slow growing -- what treatment she has had has reduced the tumor considerably. With this episode involving her COPD, my family and I have gained a lot of confidence in her pulminary specialist. I am not really focused on her treatment. My mom is receiving excellant care -- the hospital is not short-staffed as you read about so mnay being. When she comes home, we will be receiving great hospice care as needed.
My focus from this point on is on my relationship with my mom. I have had a rocky relationship with my mother. I have always held her as guilty for what happened in my childhood as my father. Even though she suffered at his hand as well. My mother is incredibly intelligent -- probably the smartest person in the family. She handled the finances in the family -- there was no reason not to leave. So she stayed out of emotional reasons. I still do not understand, and may never.
But just almost losing her Monday made me realize that it is time to let go of that -- or at least deal with it. I haven't been to see my mom in some time because of this chip I'm caring around -- so I almost lost my mom without seeing her one last time. How stupid on my part. Thank god that did not happen. What a regret I would have had to carry. I have been given the chance to go tomorrow to spend 5 days with her.
I appreciate those of you who have shared some medical advice. Again -- I am not looking for that right now. My focus is on my mom and me just spending time together.
akc
Posted by susan C on August 23, 2001, at 12:51:26
In reply to My mom, posted by akc on August 23, 2001, at 12:04:39
> I appreciate your concerns about my mom. Her cancer is not the problem that will cause her death -- the type of lung cancer is very slow growing -- what treatment she has had has reduced the tumor considerably. With this episode involving her COPD, my family and I have gained a lot of confidence in her pulminary specialist. I am not really focused on her treatment. My mom is receiving excellant care -- the hospital is not short-staffed as you read about so mnay being. When she comes home, we will be receiving great hospice care as needed.
>
> My focus from this point on is on my relationship with my mom. I have had a rocky relationship with my mother. I have always held her as guilty for what happened in my childhood as my father. Even though she suffered at his hand as well. My mother is incredibly intelligent -- probably the smartest person in the family. She handled the finances in the family -- there was no reason not to leave. So she stayed out of emotional reasons. I still do not understand, and may never.
>
> But just almost losing her Monday made me realize that it is time to let go of that -- or at least deal with it. I haven't been to see my mom in some time because of this chip I'm caring around -- so I almost lost my mom without seeing her one last time. How stupid on my part. Thank god that did not happen. What a regret I would have had to carry. I have been given the chance to go tomorrow to spend 5 days with her.
>
> I appreciate those of you who have shared some medical advice. Again -- I am not looking for that right now. My focus is on my mom and me just spending time together.
>
> akcI think a moment of clarity in my relationship with my spouse and, perhaps with life in general, was when I was in his mothers hospital room with him, during the same time as you describe now with your mother. The memory I have is of him standing at the head of her bed, stroking her hair.
Here is a woman who put up with abuse, with a man who beat the children with a leather strap, but in the end, after all that time, here was the son, here he was, he had the time to reconcile and to show affection.
I thought, here he is, stoking her hair. Just that kindness.
My keyboard is wet.
Time to go wash laundy, or do the dishes, or shuffle some paper and turn the music up loud.
a snuffling mouse,
Susan C.
Posted by Willow on August 23, 2001, at 13:12:58
In reply to My mom, posted by akc on August 23, 2001, at 12:04:39
Posted by mgrueni on August 24, 2001, at 7:55:12
In reply to My mom, posted by akc on August 23, 2001, at 12:04:39
< I appreciate your concerns about my mom. Her cancer is not the problem that will cause her death -- the type of lung cancer is very slow growing -- what treatment she has had has reduced the tumor considerably. >
Oh, good to hear that. :o)
< My focus from this point on is on my relationship with my mom. I have had a rocky relationship with my mother. I have always held her as guilty for what happened in my childhood as my father. Even though she suffered at his hand as well. >Ah, now I understand. Sorry that I got that wrong.
Relationships between parents and children...
What you said about your *rocky* relationship with your mother reminds me a bit of my own childhood and teenage years.
My father is a very dominant man and grew up without any kind of parent-love himself. His motto is "if you show weakness (such as crying in public) it will *make* you weak and then you`ll be the loser". I know he only meant it good, but even nowadays I still struggle with that one. Me, crying in public? I would rather die. This causes me a lot of problems because one just can`t be *always* strong and when I feel I reached my limits I get very upset and angry with myself because I feel like an inadequate *flop*. Sometimes (thankfully very rarely) I even *slap* myself when I feel tears coming, and shout at myself "You will NOT cry now, you silly weakling!"He did the same *mental damage* to my mother, they met when she was 16 and due to his *education* she tends to hysteria if something doesn`t work as she think it *should*. When I was a child she would throw things against the wall and *freak out* completely... Scary! It took me many years to understand and forgive them both. It`s not my father`s *fault*, he just repeated the mistakes his own parents made with him. It`s also not my mother`s fault, she was a victim, too.
Surprisingly, my parents now live together again and it works... let`s say... it`s ok for them, I think.
Ahh...Micha, come to the point! ;o)You wrote:
< So she stayed out of emotional reasons. I still do not understand, and may never. >Emotions are very *tricky*. My parents remained friends after their divorce and, as I said, they now even live together again, despite everything.
Even if you never understand the big *why*, I think you are doing very well trying to spend more time with your mother and give the matter of *relationship* a new chance. I don´t know what your parents did to you, but it must be something hard to cope with. I would not say it`s *the rule* that you are trying to forget about that and make a new start now. Most people are unable to overcome the bitterness they feel about the past, so you can be proud of you! :o)Maybe, don`t get me wrong, but maybe her illness is the chance for you two to improve your relationship. If one gets that seriously ill, they are often more *open* and willingly to talk and it`s no longer necessary to persist on this stupid and ironic "I don`t need you", which sadly split up so many families.
All the best to you both :o)
Micha
Posted by Kingfish on August 25, 2001, at 18:47:44
In reply to Re: My mom » akc, posted by mgrueni on August 24, 2001, at 7:55:12
This is the end of the thread.
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