Posted by mgrueni on August 24, 2001, at 7:55:12
In reply to My mom, posted by akc on August 23, 2001, at 12:04:39
< I appreciate your concerns about my mom. Her cancer is not the problem that will cause her death -- the type of lung cancer is very slow growing -- what treatment she has had has reduced the tumor considerably. >
Oh, good to hear that. :o)
< My focus from this point on is on my relationship with my mom. I have had a rocky relationship with my mother. I have always held her as guilty for what happened in my childhood as my father. Even though she suffered at his hand as well. >Ah, now I understand. Sorry that I got that wrong.
Relationships between parents and children...
What you said about your *rocky* relationship with your mother reminds me a bit of my own childhood and teenage years.
My father is a very dominant man and grew up without any kind of parent-love himself. His motto is "if you show weakness (such as crying in public) it will *make* you weak and then you`ll be the loser". I know he only meant it good, but even nowadays I still struggle with that one. Me, crying in public? I would rather die. This causes me a lot of problems because one just can`t be *always* strong and when I feel I reached my limits I get very upset and angry with myself because I feel like an inadequate *flop*. Sometimes (thankfully very rarely) I even *slap* myself when I feel tears coming, and shout at myself "You will NOT cry now, you silly weakling!"He did the same *mental damage* to my mother, they met when she was 16 and due to his *education* she tends to hysteria if something doesn`t work as she think it *should*. When I was a child she would throw things against the wall and *freak out* completely... Scary! It took me many years to understand and forgive them both. It`s not my father`s *fault*, he just repeated the mistakes his own parents made with him. It`s also not my mother`s fault, she was a victim, too.
Surprisingly, my parents now live together again and it works... let`s say... it`s ok for them, I think.
Ahh...Micha, come to the point! ;o)You wrote:
< So she stayed out of emotional reasons. I still do not understand, and may never. >Emotions are very *tricky*. My parents remained friends after their divorce and, as I said, they now even live together again, despite everything.
Even if you never understand the big *why*, I think you are doing very well trying to spend more time with your mother and give the matter of *relationship* a new chance. I don´t know what your parents did to you, but it must be something hard to cope with. I would not say it`s *the rule* that you are trying to forget about that and make a new start now. Most people are unable to overcome the bitterness they feel about the past, so you can be proud of you! :o)Maybe, don`t get me wrong, but maybe her illness is the chance for you two to improve your relationship. If one gets that seriously ill, they are often more *open* and willingly to talk and it`s no longer necessary to persist on this stupid and ironic "I don`t need you", which sadly split up so many families.
All the best to you both :o)
Micha
poster:mgrueni
thread:10083
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010817/msgs/10120.html