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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Rzip on May 11, 2001, at 10:08:35
I didn't realize how big of an emotional and psychological influence my therapist has over me until he cancelled all our appointments for this week. So, our once a week appointment was supposed to be this Monday. But at our last session the previous week, he suddenly informed me at the end of the session that he will not be here this Monday. He did not give a reason why at the time, nor did I ask for one. Up till then, he has demonstrated himself to be a very good and competent therapist. His therapy was very effective. My life was improving. I was happy. And everything was heading in a positive direction.
So, when he told me that he will not be able to hold our usual session, I felt that he is perfectly within his rights to reschedule. Afterall therapists have a personal life too. So, we rescheduled for this Thursday. A lot of good things happened to me during the week, so I was looking forward to our Thurs. session. Then on Tuesday night, I get a message on my answering machine stating that something unexpected had came up and he will have to cancel our Thursday session too. And I found out that he went out of town on Monday so that's why he could not meet with me. The reason he gave for not being in his office on Thursday is that he has to attend a school function that he was not obligated to attend before, but now he is. At that time, I was thinking fine. I can be understanding, afterall my therapist is a human being, with his own personal life and conflicts. I thought it was a bit sudden and plus, it was the second time in a row. But still, I was annoyed, but otherwise fine with it. I am
supposed to work on this weekly consistency thing--where I see him every week for a certain length of time to build-up a therapeutic enough relationship, so that I will feel more comfortable talking. So far, this semester, I have made it to each session over the course of the past month. Things were going really well. Anyway, back to my story...I was disappointed that we were not able to meet this Thursday, but things were going well for me -- so I was very understanding about the situation and I called him back and left a message that we can just meet next Monday at our usual 6:30p.m. time-slot. In the back of my head, I was thinking that there was no way that the 6:30p.m. time-slot would not work because that is our usual time-slot and it's next week. Guess what, he called back and left a message on my answering machine that 6:30 on Monday would not work because he got backed up in scheduling with his other clients since he was away. Lousy excuse! That made me mad.First of all, if you know that you are going away, you should have foreseen the conflicts in advance so that we would not have this problem. Second of all, I still think it is cruel to me to ask me to reschedule a third time. I mean this is not a strictly business interaction. I just feel so uncomfortable. I can't think straight. I mean, we rescheduled over the phone for an ealier time slot next monday. And over the phone, I failed to tell him how I felt about all this because scheduling an appointments is a business/administrative thing and I do not attach emotions to that. In hindsight, if I had told him how I really felt instead of pretending that everything was o.k., I probably would not be in therapy.
So, once I got my appointment for this Monday at the different time-slot, I felt very bad and distracted. I mean I do not even know whether I am justified in feeling this way or not. Is this my problem or did my therapist do something wrong? Is this a real life issue or am I justified in feeling upset? I called and left messages on his anwering machine, but so far he has not called back. Maybe he is too busy. I just somehow feel slighted and I do not know if I am within norm to feel this way. I mean this scheduling conflict happened with my therapist so that complicates my emotions since I am not sure whether I should be more understanding and forgiving; or I should be upset. I feel very distracted due to all this. He is really a very good therapist and he has helped me a great deal. This is the first time where he has given me reasons to reflect upon his professionalism. I still feel bad. I feel like because I have been seeing him off and on for the past half a year, I do not deserve as much consideration as his more regular long-term clients who have been with him for a couple of years. I do feel slighted. But the real problem is that he is the only one that I can turn to with my random thoughts, who I can talk to. So, that compounds the situation since I have no one really to talk to about this. Which is why I finally decided to write it down here. How should I feel about all this? Just an unfortunate turn of events; or should I feel upset with him?
Rzip
Posted by Doo on May 11, 2001, at 12:51:21
In reply to Should I be mad at my therapist?, posted by Rzip on May 11, 2001, at 10:08:35
Hello Rzip,
Whether your therapist did something wrong or not, I really cannot tell. What I can tell is that you now have some doubts about him.
What I would do is tell the doubt I have, and verify. "Does all this story have anything to do with me?".
It might be very hard to verify. But I think it is the only real way to go.
I wish you best,
Doo
Posted by Rzip on May 11, 2001, at 13:12:49
In reply to Re: Should I be mad at my therapist?, posted by Doo on May 11, 2001, at 12:51:21
Hello Doo,
What do you mean by "verify"? What should I do? Talk to him or do research in some psychological textbook on whether or not this is normal therapist behavior?
I feel very distracted by all this. And I feel disappointed in myself that I am distracted by all this. I thought I was stronger, but I guess there is a great deal of force and intensity in the therapy process. Hmm...
Thanks for replying. I will definitely bring this up in our next session, I hope that I will not chicken out. I wish he would call me since he is supposed to be bigger and more stable than I am. Actually, I don't doubt his therapy techniques or its positive affects on me. But I am disappointed that his life is so busy that this unfortunate conflict has arisen. I think that logically I am perfectly understanding toward the situation. Emotionally, I do feel hurt and like I said, distracted by all this. Which makes me mad at myself because this is really such a small thing, you know. How am I supposed to grow and be a better person if I am boggled down by a scheduling conflict. But then on the other hand, we are talking about my therapist here. And if nothing else, this whole series of scheduling conflicts does take away some of the magically influence that any good therapist tend to have. But, we don't live in an ideal world, so I do need to work on being more forgiving. I think that I forgive him in terms of the business end of things two days ago when we successfully rescheduled. Emotionally, I am really tormented by all this. Probably because I realize that my therapist is human afterall :-( I know that I tend to put therapist of all degrees very high up on a pedestal. But that is the only way I can feel safe enough to disclose myself. Hmm...I guess what bothers me the most is that I am still not as "well" in my state of mind as I thought. On the other hand, we are talking about a therapy process that got disrupted by the therapist himself. I don't know what to think anymore. All I know is that I feel very bad about all this.
Rzip
> Hello Rzip,
>
> Whether your therapist did something wrong or not, I really cannot tell. What I can tell is that you now have some doubts about him.
>
> What I would do is tell the doubt I have, and verify. "Does all this story have anything to do with me?".
>
> It might be very hard to verify. But I think it is the only real way to go.
>
> I wish you best,
>
> Doo
Posted by Doo on May 11, 2001, at 13:57:21
In reply to Re: Should I be mad at my therapist? » Doo, posted by Rzip on May 11, 2001, at 13:12:49
Hi Rzip,
> What do you mean by "verify"? What should I do? Talk to him or do research in some psychological textbook on whether or not this is normal therapist behavior?
LOL I mean verify with him. Go and see how he feels about all this. Only then will you have sufficient info about how to position yourself.
I think it is important also that you aknowledge your feelings as they are. And the guilt... Oh the guilt! I know so much what you're talking about! I have no answer for the guilt, since I struggle with it everyday. Sometimes I feel so frustrated about something that appears to be 'childish', and I hide my feelings because I don't want to be ridiculized, judged. Then I become harmful for myself (not so much physically, although I have impulses - not the acting- to bang my head on the wall, or to hit my face with my own fists). So about guilt, I know.
> I feel very distracted by all this. And I feel disappointed in myself that I am distracted by all this. I thought I was stronger, but I guess there is a great deal of force and intensity in the therapy process. Hmm...
Your sayings reminds me that I miss the feeling of "being in therapy". It's been one year since I quit my last therapy, which was with a humanist-oriented therapist, not a psychologist. I'm now beginning another therapy, I'm only at my third meeting now, I don't really get the therapy's orientation yet. Nevertheless, I've read a bit about it and I think it's good for the kind of problems I have.
>Emotionally, I am really tormented by all this. Probably because I realize that my therapist is human afterall :-( I know that I tend to put therapist of all degrees very high up on a pedestal. But that is the only way I can feel safe enough to disclose myself.
I feel some strong force driving me to idealize my psychologist. I guess it's part of the therapy to start from there and to relate more and more with the human being in front of us. The psychodynamic psychologists tend to be more impersonal, and I find it a little complicated to know whether she is hiding behind the theories or if she does master what she understands of all this, and uses it for my own benefits. It's a question that comes back to my mind, and it is linked to another big question: "Does altruism, gratuity (I'm not sure this word exists in english), exist?".
>I don't know what to think anymore. All I know is that I feel very bad about all this.
I would like to have something to say about this...
Well, I appreciate having this exchange with you.
Doo
Posted by Rzip on May 11, 2001, at 14:21:43
In reply to Re: Should I be mad at my therapist? » Rzip, posted by Doo on May 11, 2001, at 13:57:21
> Well, I appreciate having this exchange with you.Likewise. This has been a good exchange. I will definitely probe my therapist further on this issue since I feel so bothered by it. He better have a "good" answer or our relationship will be altered because I will feel less secure. I think he should feel emphathetic about how bad I feel. I want him to understand that and then bring me out of it. I hope he feels guilty about these schedule conflicts. I really think that he should feel guilty because if anything, this is brought on by him. And a relationship takes two parties. Even if the other party is a licensed clinical therapist as well as academy certified. Great, now I am enveloping myself in crendentials. This is not good. I need to move out of this phase. What did Opera (sp?) Winfrey say in her recent episode on moving through life? One should only spend one day wallowing in sorry and feel the pain? Well, I spent yesterday in bed, slept for 12 hours straight. I did call my therapist and left him a message beforehand, but as far as I am aware of, he did not call back. But then again, I have slept through a small earthquake before; so he could have called and I was deep in sleep then. You know, these emotional/mental stuff takes a lot of energy. Just sucks it all up. It is really not healthy to drill on it through. So, Ms. Winfrey says that people should let ourselves feel the pain for ONE day and one day only, surplused by comfort food and all that. Then, we need to get off our butt and move through the rest of our life. That sounds about right. So, I guess I should sign-off for good now from PB and go on with my own life.
Wait...just one more comment of feeling sorry for myself...this is my therapist that caused me all this turmoil. That's all I want to say in justification for wasting a whole day of my life. But, I didn't really waste it through. I don't think. Anyways, Good-bye for good. My life awaits me. Au-revoir! Best wishes to all participants on PB. Bye...
Rzip
Posted by stjames on May 11, 2001, at 18:12:08
In reply to Re: Should I be mad at my therapist? » Doo, posted by Rzip on May 11, 2001, at 14:21:43
. I think he should feel emphathetic about how bad I feel. I want him to understand that and then bring me out of it. I hope he feels guilty about these schedule conflicts.
James here....
Sorry, but you are asking this person to read minds and deciding to punish if he/she cannot.
From the hip i would say that it is normal for you or your theripist to miss sessions. Provided
you get notice there is not a problem, unless lots of sessions are missed.You should voice your conserns and not expect someone to read your mind.
JAMES
Posted by robinibor on May 13, 2001, at 8:08:02
In reply to Re: Should I be mad at my therapist?, posted by stjames on May 11, 2001, at 18:12:08
Something to think about: If you have been seeing this therapist for more than a year--with no previous problem of this type--maybe something out of the ordinary is going on.
Can you try to hold on...be a little patient until you meet again face-to-face? Of course, even then you might not get "the answer" because what has happened in the therapist's life may be very personal.
Sorry if this message seems a little scattered. A VERY close friend who is a therapist was diagnosed last week with stage three breast cancer (a rare type but I can't think of the term now). She had to cancel appointments, try to reschedule...even when she has the time she is so full of her own stress she can't concentrate. Three weeks ago this was the furthest thing from her mind.
I'm just telling you this so you can try to give a therapist who you say has been very helpful in the past the benefit of the doubt. If he or someone he loves is having to deal with something you wouldn't want to mess up a good relationship unnecessarily.
Posted by kazoo on May 15, 2001, at 2:42:58
In reply to Should I be mad at my therapist?, posted by Rzip on May 11, 2001, at 10:08:35
> ... should I feel upset with him?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
No.
He should feel upset with you for not applying learned behavior modifications for those times when he's not around.
Perhaps he's not as effective as you think, or you're not gaining as much as you need. "Dependency" has a major role in this situation, and it could very well be that there's just too much of it on your part.
Also, animals get "mad" ... people get "angry."
kazoo
This is the end of the thread.
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