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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 29. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by AdaGrace on February 7, 2005, at 9:41:01
This morning I had a ceremonial shredding. Sorta like a seremonial burning, but without the singed hair and skin. Do I feel better? Not really. Didn't have everything to shred, and didn't want to shred some. Why am I holding out? Why is he holding out? I have begun to realize this was a one sided love affair. My bulbous side being the only side facing it seems. I am more sad now than hysterically crying. I knew this was coming, I knew it was happening, and I guess now I am realizing the reality. I shredded things that meant the world to me. I shredded things that he said meant the world to him. What is the world to me now? What is the world to him now? I don't know anymore. It's very hard to imagine what to think of when you have tried to erase your past and your future. Now what do I concentrate on? What do I focus on as my goal in life? What is the thing, that one thing that I think about as my reason for living, for being on this earth? Don't misunderstand me here, I'm not bawling, I'm just musing. I'm struggling with the fork in the road in front of me. I don't know which road to take. I can't go back, the bridge is out. If I turn left, I will continue on the same old mundane road I have been traveling for 20 years. I see everything on that road, miles and miles away I can see what is there. Happyness, yes some. Accomplishment, of course, but mundane to be sure. The other road is very different. It's filled with dark, sinister experiences, and yet it excites me to find out and experience the new things it offers. Of course if I take that road, I can not go back and chose the other one, the road is slowly eroding at the fork. Suggesting that it will cave in behind me. It had hills and curves, and for some reason I keep thinking it has sunshine around every once in a while. But I can't be sure. What is that saying "better to be safe than sorry" I stand here, and I don't know where to turn. I feel as if I don't make a decision soon, it will be made for me and I might not like the what that decision is.
DOES ANY OF THIS MAKE SENSE?
AM I LOSING SIGHT OF WHAT IS REAL AND WHAT IS AN ILLUSION?
Wasn't that a Moody Blues Song?
Ada, very confused, Grace
Posted by Susan47 on February 7, 2005, at 15:57:17
In reply to Shredding Memories, posted by AdaGrace on February 7, 2005, at 9:41:01
Maybe before you decide which fork to take in the road, you need to go back to a time when you felt you had a reason for living.
Posted by AdaGrace on February 7, 2005, at 17:09:28
In reply to Re: Shredding Memories, posted by Susan47 on February 7, 2005, at 15:57:17
That would be a time that I can no longer go back to due to the entire cause of my breakdown......Remember the bridge is burned.
AdaGrace
Posted by partlycloudy on February 7, 2005, at 17:58:17
In reply to Re: Well » Susan47, posted by AdaGrace on February 7, 2005, at 17:09:28
I have had a dickens of a time trying to go backwards in my life. If I haven't burned the bridges, they have crumbled under the weight of their burdens.
My little grasshopper, we must place our feet upon a new path that takes us onwards. For me, PEACE has been the destination. PAINFUL has been the path. STRONG has been the woman I have become because of the journey.
OK, so I sound more like Yoda than John Carradine.....
Posted by Susan47 on February 7, 2005, at 19:48:04
In reply to bridges and tow-ropes » AdaGrace, posted by partlycloudy on February 7, 2005, at 17:58:17
Well, actually I meant taking your mind back to a point in childhood when you were really really happy. I mean, way far back beyond this dude. It might be a long stretch, I know it is for me.
Posted by just plain jane on February 7, 2005, at 21:02:22
In reply to AdaGrace, posted by Susan47 on February 7, 2005, at 19:48:04
> Well, actually I meant taking your mind back to a point in childhood when you were really really happy. I mean, way far back beyond this dude. It might be a long stretch, I know it is for me.
Susan, remarkable that you should say this just now. I recently realized that I am no longer feeling miserable because I am "back" to the place where I know who I am and how I need to live. And it is a place extremely similar to before I was sexually assaulted, before I was physically butchered, before the man I loved had killed himself.
The difference is, although I cannot undo any of those things, being on this side of those traumas, I have finally begun to let myself feel the pain of them, allow them to begin to heal, accept them as integral to who I am; to re-capture myself as I was before and see that I am, indeed, still that same woman, still have the same desire for my own personal life, and to put my feet and mind on the road to where I truly want to be.
For me, this road does not include a significant other. He died twenty-two years ago. Yet, he has never left me, and it was this that I did not allow to comfort me for so long.
This road includes all the dreams and plans I had, and have never lost, only misplaced. It is not an easy road, but it is a very worthwhile trip. It's a lot like the one I had planned when I was 19 instead of 49.
The scars I bear are, at times, consoling reminders that, in spite of all I put myself through and all that was done to me, I am blessed to be able to be on this road again.
Guess I wandered off the original thread. Wish this could give AdaGrace a little encouragement that, yes, there is good life after misery. If we allow it, and pursue it.
sighhh...
bedtime.
jpj
Posted by sunny10 on February 8, 2005, at 11:56:31
In reply to yes, back to childhood » Susan47, posted by just plain jane on February 7, 2005, at 21:02:22
yes, I think Susan is saying that if you think back to when you were happiest, you will see which path is the right one to take at this juncture (due to similarities of lifestyle, perhaps?).
There is no path forward without some reflection on what has been good and bad, and steering away from the bad!
Is that kinda what you meant, Suze?
-sunny10
Posted by Susan47 on February 8, 2005, at 13:32:24
In reply to Re: yes, back to childhood, posted by sunny10 on February 8, 2005, at 11:56:31
Yes, but everyone's interpretation of what I said confuses me because I'm not the brightest light bulb in the bunch, of course everybody already knows that about me anyway. What I'm trying to communicate is more than reflection, though, Sunny, it goes deeper than that. It's a feeling, a feeling of worth that some of us don't remember feeling all our adult lives. Even most of childhood, really, I had to go back to being about six years old, and someone else gave me back that feeling, because by the time I was six I'd already lost the feeling, the feeling of being a powerful being. Someone with talents, abilities, and yes, confidence too. The confidence that came with taking my first step, understanding speech, seeing beauty in the world around me. That confidence, and the desire to live that comes with that confidence.
Adagrace, and sometimes all of us here, we lose that desire because we don't feel the confidence anymore. And the hope that comes with the confidence, it's gone too.Oh, (((Adagrace ))). Where are you today lovey?
Posted by partlycloudy on February 8, 2005, at 14:47:14
In reply to Re: yes, back to childhood, posted by Susan47 on February 8, 2005, at 13:32:24
Ah-ha. I have never known any kind of self confidence that I can remember. Always been a cry baby. My mother can concur.
Posted by sunny10 on February 8, 2005, at 16:35:14
In reply to Re: yes, back to childhood, posted by Susan47 on February 8, 2005, at 13:32:24
a lot of us don't HAVE memories of being powerful during childhood or youn adulthood...
But I'll try what you suggest anyway.
Posted by AdaGrace on February 8, 2005, at 17:18:43
In reply to Shredding Memories, posted by AdaGrace on February 7, 2005, at 9:41:01
I don't recall a time when I was truely happy. Was I alwasy this unsattified with life? I wasn't abused physically as a child, mentally for sure...but was I unsattified? or just unhappy? Is there a difference? Now I am totally confused that that is why I don't want to go back. Family memories good and bad aren't affecting my future. At least I don't think they are.
Geeze, WTF do I do know?
Posted by AdaGrace on February 8, 2005, at 17:22:17
In reply to bridges and tow-ropes » AdaGrace, posted by partlycloudy on February 7, 2005, at 17:58:17
I too am searching for peace. I however am also searching for my "Fandango". I am so afraid that I will continue on the straight and narrow path and I will wake up someday a 75 year old haggard, fat old lady and look back and regret that I did not take the road less traveled. I don't want to waste the last half of my life. I feel as if that is going to happen if I stay in my stagnant situation. Is there no fun for me? Have I missed out on it already?
Posted by partlycloudy on February 8, 2005, at 18:32:01
In reply to Re: bridges and tow-ropes » partlycloudy, posted by AdaGrace on February 8, 2005, at 17:22:17
Somehow there is not a middle ground, but some of this and some of that, so when we get to be 75 we may be fat but we'll have a heck of a smirk on our faces.
Not moderation so much as balance, yes? I already have quite a smirk on my face, and I'm just over halfway to that age. AdaGrace, maybe you're only having a midlife crisis - remember when those were only for men? Truly, this is liberation. It's ever so natural and part of our aging process to look at where we are today and express regrets and hopes.
Posted by Bobby on February 9, 2005, at 9:12:18
In reply to Shredding Memories, posted by AdaGrace on February 7, 2005, at 9:41:01
Hi Gracie,
Don't beat yourself up so much. You can't erase your past memories but you can make some good new ones. If you run through life looking backwards---your going to run into a tree or off a cliff. I don't know if I've said this here before but--what you find in life--- often depends on what you're looking for. Look for the best Ada. Don't self destruct--move foward.
Posted by sunny10 on February 9, 2005, at 12:23:17
In reply to Re: Susan, posted by AdaGrace on February 8, 2005, at 17:18:43
> I don't recall a time when I was truely happy. Was I alwasy this unsattified with life? I wasn't abused physically as a child, mentally for sure...but was I unsattified? or just unhappy? Is there a difference? Now I am totally confused that that is why I don't want to go back. Family memories good and bad aren't affecting my future. At least I don't think they are.
>
> Geeze, WTF do I do know?
AdaGrace, I wanted to mention something to you that my T told me when I was seeing her.She told me that "adult survivors of childhood emotional abuse have an extremely hard time finding contentment because there is no concrete trauma/s to focus on overcoming".
She told me that it would be hard to do, but that what I needed to do was to focus on starting all over again. Surround myself with the people I want there (no longer chosen by my relatives), find a hobby, generate a "dream" and run with it.
My SO and I have recently decided to move to Hawaii in August 2006 when our two year lease is up.
There are those who tell me that I need to grow up- and they're right- I'm working on it. THIS time, though, I'm not going to deny myself all of the life stages that I had to skip because of the abuse.
I'm not sure if this helps you- it may sound like complete hogwash right now- but this is the road I'm travelling, and the fork in the road that you face seems similar to the one I had to choose from...
I hope this rambling helps- sorry if it doesn't...
Posted by sunny10 on February 9, 2005, at 12:42:17
In reply to Re: Susan, posted by sunny10 on February 9, 2005, at 12:23:17
Posted by Susan47 on February 9, 2005, at 13:13:07
In reply to Re: Susan, posted by sunny10 on February 9, 2005, at 12:23:17
I don't care if it was for Adagrace, sunny, I have to respond and tell you Wow, no wonder we're so much the same, I hope you don't mind me saying that in light of the fact that sometimes I'm an inconsiderate self-centered dolt. But in any case, the other stuff what your T said gives me so much joy. I'm vibrating with joy right now, Sunny, you should see me. I wish your T could know how she helps others just by why she said to you, one person, one time ago.
AND my dream is ALSO to live in Hawaii some day, nature's playground for me. :)
Posted by Susan47 on February 9, 2005, at 13:19:28
In reply to Re: Susan » sunny10, posted by Susan47 on February 9, 2005, at 13:13:07
But you're way ahead of me, in age and opportunity, feel your luck? Take pleasure in it, lots of pleasure. You deserve it. :)
Posted by sunny10 on February 9, 2005, at 18:50:53
In reply to Re: Susan » sunny10, posted by Susan47 on February 9, 2005, at 13:13:07
you can always meet up with us there, later, love !!!
Posted by Susan47 on February 9, 2005, at 20:59:18
In reply to Re: Susan, posted by sunny10 on February 9, 2005, at 18:50:53
Posted by AdaGrace on February 10, 2005, at 15:45:51
In reply to Re: Shredding Memories » AdaGrace, posted by Bobby on February 9, 2005, at 9:12:18
Bobby,
I really am no longer looking back as much, but I cannot look forward because I know what the future holds and I want that to change, I can't change it without being selfish and hurtful to others. I'm very confused right now and think I am in a typical midlife crisis, and "boo freakin hoo", I can't seem to get out ot if.
Posted by Susan47 on February 10, 2005, at 15:47:39
In reply to Re: Shredding Memories » Bobby, posted by AdaGrace on February 10, 2005, at 15:45:51
Can I be so rude as to butt in AG, Gracie darling, and tell you that it's a ride through time and you have to hang on if you want to survive it. Hang on tight.
Posted by AdaGrace on February 10, 2005, at 15:47:41
In reply to Fandango!!!! » AdaGrace, posted by partlycloudy on February 8, 2005, at 18:32:01
Fandango, such a lovely word isn't it? Lovely movie as well.
Oh PC, I know what you are saying is right, but the guilt, the guilt is killing me, and I just don't think I am done yet. I have so much more I want to do, and it's not all good for everyone, but by dang I want to do it.....
Posted by AdaGrace on February 10, 2005, at 15:52:59
In reply to Re: Susan, posted by sunny10 on February 9, 2005, at 12:23:17
The thing is, I really do not harbor any ill feelings towards my childhood and the verbal garbage that was thrown my way. I know that that is the reason for my low self esteem, my compulsive behavior, my eating disorder, my alcoholism....everything I can contribute to those words of "d*mn dummy" and "what are you, stupid?" And yes, there were occassional ear pulling incidents, or thumping on the head with the fore finger and thumb, and a belt across my bum a few times, but this to me was a "normal" childhood, filled with laughter with siblings. I just don't think I was happy. I think that this is the reason for my search for true happyness now. I found some, I truely did, and I finally found out what love, caring, tenderness, and happyness was all about. Now that I know what that is, I can't settle for less, even if it isn't with him......
I don't know what else to say,
Thank you for caring.....
Posted by AdaGrace on February 10, 2005, at 15:57:02
In reply to Re: Shredding Memories » AdaGrace, posted by Susan47 on February 10, 2005, at 15:47:39
Susan,
I've never been one to throw my hands in the air on a rollercoaster, and I think I have missed out on the thrill by not doing it.
Now I want to try it. I don't want to be afraid of the consequences.......
To me, hanging on is for cautious people who don't get to experience the true joys of love and life, and I am afraid that was me for 20, no make that 35 years....
I remember as a child playing in the yard in the rain......dancing, playing, and singing.
My sister came out and yelled at me and scolded me that I was being a fool, and we had to go to town. I was embarassed, I was assamed, and I don't think I have ever danced and sang in the rain again. Not in 35 years. Now I want to.
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