Posted by AdaGrace on February 7, 2005, at 9:41:01
This morning I had a ceremonial shredding. Sorta like a seremonial burning, but without the singed hair and skin. Do I feel better? Not really. Didn't have everything to shred, and didn't want to shred some. Why am I holding out? Why is he holding out? I have begun to realize this was a one sided love affair. My bulbous side being the only side facing it seems. I am more sad now than hysterically crying. I knew this was coming, I knew it was happening, and I guess now I am realizing the reality. I shredded things that meant the world to me. I shredded things that he said meant the world to him. What is the world to me now? What is the world to him now? I don't know anymore. It's very hard to imagine what to think of when you have tried to erase your past and your future. Now what do I concentrate on? What do I focus on as my goal in life? What is the thing, that one thing that I think about as my reason for living, for being on this earth? Don't misunderstand me here, I'm not bawling, I'm just musing. I'm struggling with the fork in the road in front of me. I don't know which road to take. I can't go back, the bridge is out. If I turn left, I will continue on the same old mundane road I have been traveling for 20 years. I see everything on that road, miles and miles away I can see what is there. Happyness, yes some. Accomplishment, of course, but mundane to be sure. The other road is very different. It's filled with dark, sinister experiences, and yet it excites me to find out and experience the new things it offers. Of course if I take that road, I can not go back and chose the other one, the road is slowly eroding at the fork. Suggesting that it will cave in behind me. It had hills and curves, and for some reason I keep thinking it has sunshine around every once in a while. But I can't be sure. What is that saying "better to be safe than sorry" I stand here, and I don't know where to turn. I feel as if I don't make a decision soon, it will be made for me and I might not like the what that decision is.
DOES ANY OF THIS MAKE SENSE?
AM I LOSING SIGHT OF WHAT IS REAL AND WHAT IS AN ILLUSION?
Wasn't that a Moody Blues Song?
Ada, very confused, Grace
poster:AdaGrace
thread:454257
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20041223/msgs/454257.html