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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by deerock on October 15, 2014, at 21:30:58
hi there,
i have some narcissitic tendencies, i dont think i have full blown NPD but my therapist says that one of my behaviors is full blown NPD and frankly, its concerning me for three reasons. one because i dont want to get arrested, two i feel like a complete nut and hate myself for doing this and three, the victims in this case are likely being impacted and scared by my behavior.
i broke up w a woman who lives near me. since the breakup of what was a really abusive relationship, sort of sado-masochistic dynamic, i have become obsessed w. her. for the first few days i called her 40 times a day, she didnt pick up mostly, and twice when she did she said do not call me. so i stopped calling fearing intevention from police.
the last two days, i went out of my way to walk by her house. one of the times she saw me as she was driving home (i was not near her home at the time) and she looked enraged. i am not positive she saw me but i believe she did and it seemed that she was really angry that i was anywhere near her house.
i want to stop any behavior related to stalking or harrassing this woman immediately.
what i struggle with is an unwillingness and a perceived inability to stand back from my emotions when i get the impulse to engage her whether its due to perceived mistreatment and seeking revenge or missing her as a source of comfort and soothing. i feel that this is an emergency in the sense that if this behavior continues i could get arrested and i really do not want to. thanks for listening. btw, i am not violent and never have been but i really dont know if this woman is scared of my becoming violent or just annoyed at my behavior, even enraged. whats interesting is that i told her while we were together that i did this a number of times to other women for a short time and moved on, which is true, but w her living so close i think it will be harder to stop.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 20, 2014, at 16:07:13
In reply to stalking, posted by deerock on October 15, 2014, at 21:30:58
hi dee. sorry i've taken so long to respond... i'm not really sure what to say.
it sounds to me like you have some ambivalence about having ended the relationship. and you are still very much bound up in being concerned with how you are affecting her... how she feels about you now. angry? afraid? what? something... surely...
i'm glad to hear that you were able to stop yourself calling her when she asked you to. and that you are responsive to your fears that she might report your behavior to the police. that you don't want that. and that she knows that you have a history of this and she also knows that no harm came of it.
it might be that she is tolerating it... because she knows it will help you move on. typically when a relationship ends... both parties know the relationship isn't so good...
i do hope you find some peace soon. can you think of what things in the past have helped you move on? refocus your attention elsewhere? perhaps it is time for something new in your life? a new group... a hobby... a pet...
Posted by deerock on October 20, 2014, at 20:56:14
In reply to Re: stalking, posted by alexandra_k on October 20, 2014, at 16:07:13
thanks for your response. i appreciate it.
my T calls it an addictive relationship and he is clear that this is not healthy and it needs to end.
Even though the relationship is over, i keep finding myself contacting this person and keeping communication alive, even though we have not seen each other, i have the drive to reconnect w her and am unable to let go, despite intellectual knowledge that this is harmful both for me and for her.
my T keeps suggesting i let the realtionship go and recently suggested i go on meds to help w. this. i keep reaching out to this woman and she has began to accept my phone calls and we talk. i have a huge drive to reconcile even though we both know what we had was toxic for both of us. what i experience is intolerable loneliness and T often tells me I am choosing to avoid the pain by reconnecting w. her or engaging in other harmful addictions (cigarettes or drinking).
i really really want a better life and move beyond this relationship and these addictions but the feelings i experience when moving away from this stuff are paralyzing.
wondering if you can relate and have any suggestions on moving forward. i think youre right about getting a hobby or something new.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 20, 2014, at 22:18:17
In reply to Re: stalking, posted by deerock on October 20, 2014, at 20:56:14
I think that when something has been a big part of your life for some time the thought of it being completely over can leave a pretty big hole. Even when it is in your best interests to move on, moving on can be something of a process. It can take time.
I think it is fairly normal to have a drive for connection... I guess part of the reason why you wanted to end the relationship was that you thought that it wasn't the healthiest of connections, though. It can take time to foster new relationships. Old relationships are comfortable, in a way. Can feel safer even when they aren't safe. Because there are patterns of interactions... We know what to expect.
There is this think that I remember from psychology... 'Don't think about oranges'. If you try really really really really hard not to think about oranges... 'Don't think about oranges, alex, not thinking about oranges alex, no thinking about oranges alex'... Then despite my best efforts... I'm fairly much constantly thinking about oranges.
It is kinda paradoxical... But the best way to not think about oranges is to... Focus on something else entirely. HOrses. Wow horses. How cool are horses - right? All the different kinds of horses...
What I mean is... Focusing on moving on... On letting go of your relationship... That might not be the best way forward. Honouring some of your legitimate needs for companionship and friendship and also for some kind of comfortable routines (though it can take a while for new routines to become comfortable)... I wonder what things you could focus on developing instead?
Is there something that you would kinda sorta like to do? Sometimes people have things... But there have been naggy voices at some point.. People saying that it is a waste of time or no good will come of it or you aren't any good at it or you can't do it.
So many things... To run a 5k. To take up photography. To draw. To write. To crochet. To play hockey. To plant trees for charity. To play a musical instrument. To join a film group...
Posted by alexandra_k on October 20, 2014, at 22:18:56
In reply to Re: stalking, posted by alexandra_k on October 20, 2014, at 22:18:17
even AA...
your mileage may vary. some groups can be great. others.... not to much.
Posted by phidippus on November 4, 2014, at 21:36:55
In reply to stalking, posted by deerock on October 15, 2014, at 21:30:58
>what i struggle with is an unwillingness and a perceived inability to stand back from my emotions when i get the impulse to engage her whether its due to perceived mistreatment and seeking revenge or missing her as a source of comfort and soothing.
This is not a narcissistic thing, but there's definitely a control issue going on here. You feel controlled by her and her ability to soothe you. You seek to regain power by following her. You can't stand the thought of her not thinking about you. What emotions do you have when you do engage her, even if by just looking at her from across the street?
Eric
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