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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Anemone on November 4, 2010, at 15:37:51
Hi Everyone,
I hope it is OK to start posting. I love reading what you guys talk about on Babble, but I have been too shy to say anything.
A week ago I mailed my T a cheque for the sessions in October, because I wouldn't be seeing her again for 3 weeks and I wanted to pay on time.
I put the cheque in an envelope and drew hearts on it (to show that I love her).
But today I got the cheque back in the mail with a label that says "return to sender". This makes no sense to me, since I am sure the address was perfectly correct.
Do you think my T rejected my mail on purpose? Or did the mailman make a mistake?
I usually give her cheques in person instead of by mail, but because our appointment is in mid November, I wanted to pay her for October ASAP.
What do you think happened here?
Posted by Solstice on November 4, 2010, at 16:00:26
In reply to Confused about what this means! Worried! Panicky!, posted by Anemone on November 4, 2010, at 15:37:51
Hi Anemone -
There's no way to know what happened without asking. Why don't you call her and say "I sent a check to you in the mail, but it came back - so I want to make sure I got your address right." That way, you're getting the answer you need with out asking outright if you're being rejected. The scenarios I would speculate about are that perhaps her address has changed and you didn't know, or the post office made a mistake. I can't imagine a therapist getting an envelope from a client that has hearts on it and returning it because they didn't like the heart! If she has a problem with it, (and I'd be surprised if she did), she'd most likely bring it up next time you see her.
So I think your anxiety deserves your attention - and giving her a call to let her know the check was returned will settle it for you.
Oh.. and I'm sort of new too - so welcome!
Posted by Anemone on November 4, 2010, at 16:25:15
In reply to Confused about what this means! Worried! Panicky!, posted by Anemone on November 4, 2010, at 15:37:51
Hi Solstice,
Thank you so much! And thanks for welcoming me.
You are right, the only way to be sure is to ask her. Logically I know I should do what you suggested.
I am afraid to, though... I imagine that she is rejecting my mail to show me that "it's not OK to love her/ send her a love letter". If I call her, I might seem clingy.
There is a 50% chance that I will suffer until I can ask her in person, and 50% that I will break down and call her.
Thanks again Solstice, your help made my day, to know that I'm not crazy for feeling anxious about this. I can tell you're a really nice person by reading what you write on Babble!
Posted by Solstice on November 4, 2010, at 21:35:27
In reply to Re: Confused about what this means! Worried! Panicky!, posted by Anemone on November 4, 2010, at 16:25:15
> Thank you so much! And thanks for welcoming me.
my pleasure :)
> You are right, the only way to be sure is to ask her. Logically I know I should do what you suggested.
>
> I am afraid to, though... I imagine that she is rejecting my mail to show me that "it's not OK to love her/ send her a love letter". If I call her, I might seem clingy.
Well... maybe there is another way to perceive the possibilities. You can imagine that her address changed, or the post office made a mistake... right? So you have a choice about which way to perceive it.
> There is a 50% chance that I will suffer until I can ask her in person, and 50% that I will break down and call her.
If it was me, I'd have to go with whatever eliminates the suffering. Especially since the chance of your therapist having the reaction you fear is very, very small. And if she did, Anemone, then she doesn't deserve to be a therapist and you should find out right now so you can cut your loses and run.So it's entirely up to you, but I think that calling means you come out ahead of where you are now, regardless of which way it goes. Suffering for a period of time before hand won't change the outcome.
>
> Thanks again Solstice, your help made my day, to know that I'm not crazy for feeling anxious about this. I can tell you're a really nice person by reading what you write on Babble!
>No - you're not crazy! And it looks like I've now been gifted with another kindness... two in one day! Thank you!
Posted by Daisym on November 4, 2010, at 21:53:32
In reply to Confused about what this means! Worried! Panicky!, posted by Anemone on November 4, 2010, at 14:37:51
The label sounds like a post-office label. If this made it to your therapist and she wanted to return it, my guess is that it would be sitting, unopened, at your next session. It wouldn't be ethical for her to refuse it like that.
So either - it is the post office or it was an office manager/front desk person - both of whom would open it and send it back in another envelope. So I think you are safe to assume it was a mix up of some sort. I hate when stuff like that happens though!
Posted by Willful on November 4, 2010, at 22:55:49
In reply to Re: Confused about what this means! Worried! Panicky!, posted by Daisym on November 4, 2010, at 21:53:32
I don't know your T, of course,so my opinion is just an opinion, but it would be highly unusual for a T to reject a payment -- for prior sessions.
I don't mean to suggest that Ts are mercenary, or do their work for the payment-- but I do think, since you owed your T the check, it would be very strange if her way of telling you that she found the hearts on the envelop unacceptable would be to tell the mailman to return the check.
If you're worried that she didn't like the hearts on the envelop per se-- which I tend also to doubt-- how would she know you don't put hearts on lots of envelops, or know what exactly it meant? She might want to discuss it with you, to explore the feelings further, but I can't see her jumping to the most negative conclusions. And truly it's hard to see putting hearts on an envelop as the sort of intrusive interaction that might lead to rejection-- or any harsh reaction. It would be rather hard of her to return an envelop that way-- by an impersonal "return to send" label from the post office. I just can't imagine a T doing that.
Of course, maybe there's a history about this that I don't know-- which might give it a different meaning. But if it's an isolated gesture of fondness or affection, I just can't imagine that she would be hurtful in responding.
I certainly very much hope not-- as it would be very uncalled for-- under any circumstances-- but even more so if it is just a small gesture. I would of course ask her as soon as you can, and I hope you find the reassurance you need.
Willful.
Posted by Dinah on November 5, 2010, at 7:55:42
In reply to Re: Confused about what this means! Worried! Panicky!, posted by Willful on November 4, 2010, at 23:55:49
I agree with the others.
As Willful says, I can't imagine a therapist rejecting a payment for past services because of what was on the envelope.
I'd be anxious about it too. I'd also probably call my therapist, perhaps on the excuse of being afraid he'd think I hadn't paid and checking on how I addressed the envelope. Then discuss it further in session once I'd heard his voice and determined that nothing was wrong.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on November 5, 2010, at 15:39:24
In reply to Confused about what this means! Worried! Panicky!, posted by Anemone on November 4, 2010, at 15:37:51
Hi, Anemone: pretty name. It would make me crazy.....LOL.......to NOT know. Can you e-mail her? If not, call her and simply ask (keeping it....simple)......that you mailed a check and it was returned. It is difficult to believe she would return it without opening it. i know how anxiety-causing this is, sweetie!
(I've been here for years; everyone is wonderful)....so, welcome!
Hugs, Sassy
Posted by Anemone on November 5, 2010, at 16:05:28
In reply to Re: Confused about what this means! Worried! Panicky! » Anemone, posted by Solstice on November 4, 2010, at 21:35:27
Hi Solstice,
Thanks for helping me think when my brain froze. You are right, there are many ways to perceive this, and it's best to stop suffering ASAP.
Strangely, I suddenly don't feel so worried anymore, now that you (and other babblers) have helped me to not feel alone, and you guys have opened my eyes to other ways to look at this.
still, your advice is helpful, just in case I start to worry again...Thanks for taking the time to help!
Posted by Anemone on November 5, 2010, at 16:10:39
In reply to Re: Confused about what this means! Worried! Panicky!, posted by Daisym on November 4, 2010, at 22:53:32
Hi Daisym,
What you suggested is so brilliant and makes so much sense, that she would give the letter back to me next session, rather than "return to sender". Your idea really helped me calm down. Thanks for explaining this to me!!!
Posted by Anemone on November 5, 2010, at 16:37:21
In reply to Re: Confused about what this means! Worried! Panicky!, posted by Willful on November 4, 2010, at 23:55:49
Hi Willful, Dinah, and Sassyfrancesca,
Thanks Willful so much for helping me think this through, especially thanks for understanding about me not meaning any harm with the hearts thing.
Thanks Dinah, for understanding the anxiety, I feel so supported!
Thanks Sassyfrancesca for your welcome, and excellent "keep-it-simple" strategy!
I already feel tons better because you guys are so great! I am not worried anymore!
I didn't tell her in advance that I would be sending her a cheque, (I wanted to surprise her about what a good, responsible patient I am), and I sent it in an envelope that is square (not rectangle, not in the shape of a cheque), and I drew hearts on it with pencil crayons....so perhaps she didn't realize it was a cheque, and thought I was sending a love letter?!
I'll have to ask her when I see her in 10 days...
I was going to draw a sexy muscle man on the envelope, and pretend it was sent to her by a handsome hot guy...but chickened out at the last minute.
I feel SOO much better now that you guys helped me realize it takes more effort to return my envelope via "return to sender".
I draw hearts (and sometimes angels, cats, chickens...depending on the month) on every cheque that I give her, though.. this is just the way I am. She never complained or said anything yet.
My history: I have been seeing her for about 2 years. I loooove her, but have a hard time saying it to her face!
Posted by Anemone on November 5, 2010, at 17:00:34
In reply to Re: Confused about what this means! Worried! Panicky!, posted by Anemone on November 5, 2010, at 16:05:28
Posted by Solstice on November 5, 2010, at 20:03:16
In reply to Re: Confused about what this means! Worried! Panicky!, posted by Anemone on November 5, 2010, at 16:05:28
My pleasure :)S
> Hi Solstice,
>
> Thanks for helping me think when my brain froze. You are right, there are many ways to perceive this, and it's best to stop suffering ASAP.
>
> Strangely, I suddenly don't feel so worried anymore, now that you (and other babblers) have helped me to not feel alone, and you guys have opened my eyes to other ways to look at this.
>
> still, your advice is helpful, just in case I start to worry again...Thanks for taking the time to help!
Posted by emmanuel98 on November 5, 2010, at 20:46:55
In reply to Re: Confused about what this means! Worried! Panicky!, posted by Willful on November 4, 2010, at 23:55:49
If the "return to sender" note was placed by the post office, that means that, for some reason they were unable to deliver it. If it was hand-written by the recipient, that means the recipient refused it. Sounds like a post-office screw-up to me.
Posted by softheprairie on November 6, 2010, at 11:35:33
In reply to Thanks Willful, Dinah and Sassyfrancesca!, posted by Anemone on November 5, 2010, at 16:37:21
> and I sent it in an envelope that is square (not rectangle, not in the shape of a cheque), and I drew hearts on it with pencil crayons
All this grief, and I think it was just because the worked for the postal service did not take the time to let you know what the problem was -- they charge extra to deliver a square envelope.
I entered in a search engine "USPS square envelope postage" and got some hits. One of the answers at "wiki answers" said that as of May 11, 2009, a regular/standard letter stamp costs 44 cents, and there is a 20 cent surcharge on that for a square envelope (since their machines can't handle those dimensions), so you need 64 cents in postage to send it.
Posted by softheprairie on November 6, 2010, at 11:37:52
In reply to Aha! It was because of the square envelope » Anemone, posted by softheprairie on November 6, 2010, at 11:35:33
>
> All this grief, and I think it was just because the worked for the postal service
Above should say "workeR"
Posted by 10derheart on November 6, 2010, at 12:10:21
In reply to Re: Aha! It was because of the square envelope, posted by softheprairie on November 6, 2010, at 11:37:52
Good theory. You're probably right, too, but I was wondering if Anemome is in the U.S.?
Use of the word 'cheque' often gives away Canada, the UK, various European countries....? Though not necessarily, of course.
Just a thought....
Anemome, I agree with everyone else. Especially if you drew things on envelopes before. And I'll bet she has never even seen it.
Hope you can not worry too much. I know from years of personal experience how intrusive that anxiety about our what our T is feeling/thinking can be.
Posted by Anemone on November 6, 2010, at 20:34:39
In reply to Re: Confused about what this means! Worried! Panicky!, posted by emmanuel98 on November 5, 2010, at 20:46:55
Thanks emmanuel for this great info! The note was not hand written, it was a typed label with bar code.
Posted by Anemone on November 6, 2010, at 20:39:15
In reply to Aha! It was because of the square envelope » Anemone, posted by softheprairie on November 6, 2010, at 11:35:33
Hi softheprarie,
Oh wow, good point, thanks, I never thought of it that way. It was I live in Canada, so I will have to look into the rules here.
Posted by Anemone on November 6, 2010, at 20:46:55
In reply to Re: Aha! It was because of the square envelope » softheprairie, posted by 10derheart on November 6, 2010, at 12:10:21
Hi 10derheart,
Thanks for understanding about the anxiety stuff! Sounds like you have also been there!
It is so overwhelming to me how supported I feel here. In real life I don't ask people for help or talk about my "real" self that much, especially not about therapy!
It's great that we all understand how it's like to worry about what our T's think of us.
and yes I am in Canada!
This is the end of the thread.
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