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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Marie Box on March 7, 2010, at 13:16:41
I am having a lot of difficulty with therapy. I am afraid that I'm going to have to stop going before I'm ready. I want to understand what my therapist is doing during therapy and why, but I'm worried that this desire is excessive. I don't know how to bring it up without frustrating her. Sometimes I want reassurance but I'm afraid to ask for it, even though when she gives me unasked for reassurance, I tend to reject it. I am self-conscious about how self-conscious I am about therapy. I have a strong desire to understand what "normal" is and to be "normal," but I don't trust my perceptions so I don't ever trust my ability to determine "normal." I am afraid I'm one of the really "crazy" people that I read about in all of these psychology books. I read a lot of psychology texts in my free time, and it scares me that I could be like one of the "difficult," boring, frustrating, harm-causing or hopeless patients that I read about. What is wrong with me that I am still in therapy for over a year? Is it me or my circumstances or the inadequacy of our therapeutic relationship? I feel really ashamed of the fact that I care so much about what my therapist thinks about me. I wish I could understand, trust, and rely upon just myself without feeling messed up. I wish I could understand, trust, and rely on her without feeling messed up, too. Mrrhhgh. I didn't have these problems as much until I started opening up to her in small bits here and there. What is going on and what can I do about it?
Posted by rnny on March 7, 2010, at 14:02:40
In reply to What's going on in therapy + what to do about it?, posted by Marie Box on March 7, 2010, at 13:16:41
Talk to the therapist about your fears. Tell her you are having alot of fears, about alot of things.
Posted by obsidian on March 7, 2010, at 14:59:34
In reply to What's going on in therapy + what to do about it?, posted by Marie Box on March 7, 2010, at 13:16:41
sometimes this is the work in therapy, addressing all you describe
no, you are NOT crazy because you're still in therapy
the craziest people are in fact not in therapy ;-)
it's uncomfortable to be sure, it might help for you to write about it, share it with your therapist
good luck,
sid
Posted by mystickangaroo on March 8, 2010, at 1:17:39
In reply to Re: What's going on in therapy + what to do about it? » Marie Box, posted by obsidian on March 7, 2010, at 14:59:34
Welcome Marie
Therapy sucks!
It is darn hard work that is difficult to describe to anybody else not in it. Your post sums it up so well. Honest.
I think of therapy as getting new multi focal glasses. Nothing looks right at the start, my balance is off and I would much rather use the old glasses cos they are "better" ~ apart from the fuzziness and headaches....
Hang in there and keep posting.
ps thanks for posting I was feeling exactly the same.
Posted by Verloren on March 9, 2010, at 12:05:06
In reply to What's going on in therapy + what to do about it?, posted by Marie Box on March 7, 2010, at 13:16:41
Hi Marie
Your post really resonated with me. First, I'm sorry to hear you've been having difficulty with your therapy. I have been learning, therapy can be an overwhelming process.
If I may ask, Why do you think you might have to stop going before you are ready? I ask because I was and still am trying to decide if therapy is right for me right now.
Wanting to understand your therapist and their motives during therapy is not, by any means, a bad thing. Therapy is first and foremost about you. I really hope your T is a good one. If she is "good" then she should have no problems hearing your worries. She should not become frustrated toward you.
I suggest telling her about your worries and that you have not mentioned them before because you are concerned about her reaction and whether or not she would become frustrated.
I don't know what "normal" is or if it even actually exists. Besides, normal for you may be entirely different from normal for everyone else. Once I told my friend that I was doing better but that I wasn't quite back to normal yet. She replied, "you are normal, you just have a new normal now." That really made me smile because it reminded me that we are all ever-changing. There is no "getting back to" normal, there is only getting better. That's my take on it anyway.
The fact that you're in therapy trying to help yourself is evidence that you're not "one of the really 'crazy' people". And even if you were, therapy is the right place to be in.
Do you think your T is inadequate? Is it time to get a consultation with another T? Check out your options. Therapy is about you and if you feel like your needs are not being met then find a place where they will be. Why do you want to be in therapy? What do you want to get out of it? What do you see yourself as at the end of therapy? -Those are all deep questions to ask yourself.
Many people feel ashamed or embarrassed at what our Ts may think about us. Personally, I kept finding it unrealistic that any person would care enough to sit and listen to my problems without thinking I'm a nutjob. When I told my T this, she tried and tried to convince me otherwise. I still need convincing some days.
Once, I had to tell her something very embarrassing and I thought for sure she would get upset with me, so I typed it out and handed it to her to read while I sat there with a blanket over my head.
I look back at that and think, wow how goofy did I look sitting there completely covered with a blanket pretending that I wouldn't be as embarrassed if she couldn't see me. LOL! Luckily she was very gentle.I hope yours will be gentle too. And I hope things start meshing well between you and her.
If you feel like you've been opening up and that's making you too uncomfortable, just go slower. It's okay to relax for a while. Therapy is at your pace and there is no set time frame for it; You will finish when you need. Don't worry about how long it takes.
-Verloren
Posted by sassyfrancesca on March 10, 2010, at 7:33:30
In reply to Re: What's going on in therapy + what to do about it? » Marie Box, posted by Verloren on March 9, 2010, at 12:05:06
Sometimes, "normal" is just the setting on a dryer.....
Posted by Marie Box on March 14, 2010, at 23:20:29
In reply to What's going on in therapy + what to do about it?, posted by Marie Box on March 7, 2010, at 13:16:41
Thank you for the responses, everybody. I really appreciate them.
I suppose I feel as if I am becoming dependent on my therapist, and that is upsetting to me, especially because I know that she can't fulfill all of the many needs and wishes that I would like her to fulfill. I'm not sure that I feel comfortable bringing this up with her. As a generally independent person, I find this very embarrassing.
I'm at a busy time in my life, and I'm not sure that it is worthwhile to keep delving deeper in therapy. What is the point of rehashing past memories and feelings? It feels good for an hour, but then I just feel worse overall.
Sometimes, I think that maybe I would reach out more to the people in my life if I weren't using my therapist as a crutch. But then, sometimes I think talking to my therapist is good practice on how to talk to the people in my life.
Therapy is so confusing. I'm starting to think that maybe I'd just be better off trying to live my life without analyzing and discussing it so much. I feel like, if I don't say good bye to my therapist now, then it is just going to become excruciatingly painful later on. How do I know if therapy is right for me? I have no idea how to discuss this with my therapist, even though I find her very trustworthy and well-intentioned.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on March 16, 2010, at 10:45:29
In reply to Re: What's going on in therapy + what to do about it?, posted by Marie Box on March 14, 2010, at 23:20:29
Marie: You should discuss this with your therapist; if he/she is good, he/she can help you with the questions you just asked. If you don't ask, you will stay confused and frustrated.
Sassy
Posted by Marie Box on March 28, 2010, at 13:23:15
In reply to What's going on in therapy + what to do about it?, posted by Marie Box on March 7, 2010, at 13:16:41
Well, I haven't been able to bring it up with my therapist. She expressed to me that she doesn't know why I keep returning to therapy if 1) I am functional and 2) I don't like it. I'm thinking about quitting now.
Posted by mystickangaroo on March 28, 2010, at 14:32:24
In reply to Re: What's going on in therapy + what to do about it?, posted by Marie Box on March 28, 2010, at 13:23:15
Hi Marie
There is a word in your T's response I think you need to have a look at. IF.I don't know many (any) people who are in therapy for the fun of it.
Have you thought about printing out these messages and asking your T to read them?
Take care
Posted by Marie Box on April 4, 2010, at 12:46:02
In reply to Re: What's going on in therapy + what to do about it?, posted by mystickangaroo on March 28, 2010, at 14:32:24
Thanks, mystic. That was a helpful way to frame it. I won't share this with my therapist, as I think the emotions have generally passed. I feel more grounded now.
I have a lot of anxiety about the fact that I'm still in therapy and my therapist won't 1) tell me I'm done and should leave or 2) tell me what she perceives my issues are and why I'm still struggling with them.
The only things I can think of are that she doesn't know (but can't she at least say SOMEthing? like... "I think you're issue is you won't talk to me") or she wants ME to have the experience of telling HER (but I can't stand that mystery and this is just so frustrating). Or, maybe she doesn't think it's relevant---but doesn't it matter if I do?
Posted by mystickangaroo on April 4, 2010, at 19:16:14
In reply to Re: What's going on in therapy + what to do about it?, posted by Marie Box on April 4, 2010, at 12:46:02
Hi Marie
I am in therapy because my map of the world doesn't work all that well. Lots of things confuse me. Connecting the emotional dots of what is going on around me and what I feel on the inside can be two totally different things. My way of dealing with this made me miserable and frustated.The whole trust issue is a huge one for me. And when I do manage to say something my t is terrific BUT then more feelings try and connect and not just in her office... Ugh!!!!! I believe more talking and therapy is what will ultimately make life better for me. Of course somedays I do NOT agree with that thought at all.
I was sure my T knew what was going on. Trouble is that put her on a pedestal. A clinical pedestal where my feelings would have knocked her off and I didn't want to do that. (Ok still don't!!)She assures me that she will keep listening to me. What ever I want to say. Therapy is not about making her happy. Or presenting a nice neat version of life that she can hmm on! (ok I'd like that too!!)
I think Therapy is like learning about electricity. It is powerful and dangerous but try living without it. You need to know what you are doing with it. And you have to trust the electrician. One day you are going be with those switches on your own. It is the electricians job to make sure the wiring is safe. It is your job to let the electrician know where you need the switches and the power outlets...
It is ok to speak
Keep hanging in there
This is the end of the thread.
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