Posted by Marie Box on March 7, 2010, at 13:16:41
I am having a lot of difficulty with therapy. I am afraid that I'm going to have to stop going before I'm ready. I want to understand what my therapist is doing during therapy and why, but I'm worried that this desire is excessive. I don't know how to bring it up without frustrating her. Sometimes I want reassurance but I'm afraid to ask for it, even though when she gives me unasked for reassurance, I tend to reject it. I am self-conscious about how self-conscious I am about therapy. I have a strong desire to understand what "normal" is and to be "normal," but I don't trust my perceptions so I don't ever trust my ability to determine "normal." I am afraid I'm one of the really "crazy" people that I read about in all of these psychology books. I read a lot of psychology texts in my free time, and it scares me that I could be like one of the "difficult," boring, frustrating, harm-causing or hopeless patients that I read about. What is wrong with me that I am still in therapy for over a year? Is it me or my circumstances or the inadequacy of our therapeutic relationship? I feel really ashamed of the fact that I care so much about what my therapist thinks about me. I wish I could understand, trust, and rely upon just myself without feeling messed up. I wish I could understand, trust, and rely on her without feeling messed up, too. Mrrhhgh. I didn't have these problems as much until I started opening up to her in small bits here and there. What is going on and what can I do about it?