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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 27. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by raisinb on March 15, 2009, at 15:18:21
My therapist will be back in about three weeks. She left me a message a few weeks ago about how she was sorry she hadn't called sooner, she'd had a rough time but was on the mend, and that she was thinking about me a lot and "we're still on for April."
Well, I would've been transported with joy if she'd left that message a couple of weeks earlier. But by that point, I just said to myself, "hm. Yeah, so what? That's not gonna cut it" and forgot about it.
And now, after all these weeks, I'm all of a sudden incredibly angry at her. I REALLY do NOT want to go back in a few weeks. Only then who would I yell at? How would I process this anger?
I don't understand why I'm suddenly feeling this now, but I sure am angry about the whole thing. Spending all this time fantasizing about the most hurtful things to say to her. But of course, it's not ever gonna feel to her like it felt to me when she left. Screw her. I'm pretty sure I deserve better than this, and I'm wondering what I'm accomplishing by continuing to wait for her to come back.
Posted by Therapy Girl on March 15, 2009, at 16:33:22
In reply to so finally, I am *furious*, posted by raisinb on March 15, 2009, at 15:18:21
Raisin, I'm so sorry this has been so hard for you. I know when my T was out and I was all prepared for her to come back and then she sent me a CARD at the very last minute saying that she needed two more weeks, I was beside myself. My initial reaction was anger, but then I realized I was just sad and hurt and worried that she wouldn't come back. I ended up writing her a letter, which she responded to with a phone call and everything was okay. Our connection was still there and she was still my T.
I don't know if any of that applies to your situation, but I wanted to share it just in case.
I'm thinking about you.
((((((((Raisinb))))))))
Posted by Annierose on March 15, 2009, at 19:00:30
In reply to so finally, I am *furious*, posted by raisinb on March 15, 2009, at 15:18:21
I think the hurt was there all along - but now it came to the surface --- this would be my thoughts ... "I can't believe you left me - never called or reassured me that you and your baby were okay ... and now you pretend that everything is 'fine' and it's not."
Are you still talking with the other therapist?
I hope you go and begin to renew your relationship. It may take a few sessions, but you will get back to a comfortable place.
Even us babblers whose therapist are 'there' still experience ruptures in the relationship and continue to work on the hard stuff between client and t.
The hurt is real and painful. I'm sorry it sucks so much.
Posted by DAisym on March 15, 2009, at 19:36:48
In reply to so finally, I am *furious*, posted by raisinb on March 15, 2009, at 15:18:21
Often anger shows up when it is safe to *be* angry. Like when a lost child is found, parents struggle between wanting to hug him or shake him. Up until that point, it is not OK to feel the anger, due to the "what ifs."
I'm sure that the rational part of you knows that your therapist did not want to suddenly exit and drop all contact - circumstances were beyond her control. But there is a young part of you asking, "what then can I count on,if not my therapist?" I don't trust the Universe and likely won't ever.
I think it is Ok to express your anger and get it out. And then the hurt and the missing her. It is important to let it out in order to heal it. She'll be able to take it.
I hope the next few weeks go quickly.
Posted by obsidian on March 15, 2009, at 20:05:57
In reply to Re: so finally, I am *furious* » raisinb, posted by DAisym on March 15, 2009, at 19:36:48
that resonated with me..the idea that it's hard to be angry with someone when concerned with the 'what ifs', maybe one of those being will they even be there. it's a problem for me.
-sid
Posted by Phillipa on March 16, 2009, at 0:42:30
In reply to Re: so finally, I am *furious* » DAisym, posted by obsidian on March 15, 2009, at 20:05:57
In a way it's like the stages of grief Elizabeth Kulber Ross. Anger, denial,depression, acceptance, Is that them all? . Probabley a block as it is most likely the most important one. So she needs more time with the baby? Love Phillipa
Posted by antigua3 on March 16, 2009, at 6:43:27
In reply to so finally, I am *furious*, posted by raisinb on March 15, 2009, at 15:18:21
I know that I suffer from fear of success and failure when it comes to my creative endeavors. Fear of success is worse for me, I think, because somehow or other it puts me in a spotlight that I can't handle and can lead to depression, or even worse, giving up the project.
Failure is actually easier to accept for me because it reinforces all the old tapes.
Success means putting myself out on a limb and letting others see the most personal parts of me. I find it extremely difficult.
So, keep it up! I'm trying to, so knowing someone else is will give me courage!
antigua
Posted by raisinb on March 16, 2009, at 8:59:44
In reply to Re: so finally, I am *furious* » raisinb, posted by Therapy Girl on March 15, 2009, at 16:33:22
Oh boy, that would've really set me off, too. Yikes. Thank you for the support and hugs.
Posted by raisinb on March 16, 2009, at 9:02:17
In reply to Re: so finally, I am *furious*, posted by Annierose on March 15, 2009, at 19:00:30
Yes, I am still talking with him. He's been fine. But it's sort of like eating cereal for dinner when you've been used to a three-course, filling meal (if that analogy makes sense). And after awhile you get used to the cereal and can't understand why you'd crave anything else.
I know I always end up going back. But right now, that thought makes me feel even more angry and trapped.
I know there are ruptures even when Ts are present. Right now, that's a hard thing to know, too. What if it's difficult or weird when I go back? After all this time waiting, I'm not sure I could handle that.
Posted by raisinb on March 16, 2009, at 9:04:57
In reply to Re: so finally, I am *furious* » raisinb, posted by DAisym on March 15, 2009, at 19:36:48
I don't know. When I'm angry, I get very logical. I think about the fact that she did not call, and I think, "those are not the actions of someone who cares about someone else." It seems like simple reality right now. If she wanted to maintain contact (even a 30-second voice mail), she certainly could have found the time. The fact is, she just didn't want to badly enough.
I know these are thoughts born of anger. However, there is a certain satisfaction to facing what seems like reality right now.
We'll see if she can take it. She's had problems doing so in the past sometimes.
Thank you for the support, Daisy. You always make so much sense.
> Often anger shows up when it is safe to *be* angry. Like when a lost child is found, parents struggle between wanting to hug him or shake him. Up until that point, it is not OK to feel the anger, due to the "what ifs."
>
> I'm sure that the rational part of you knows that your therapist did not want to suddenly exit and drop all contact - circumstances were beyond her control. But there is a young part of you asking, "what then can I count on,if not my therapist?" I don't trust the Universe and likely won't ever.
>
> I think it is Ok to express your anger and get it out. And then the hurt and the missing her. It is important to let it out in order to heal it. She'll be able to take it.
>
> I hope the next few weeks go quickly.
>
Posted by raisinb on March 16, 2009, at 9:06:18
In reply to Re: so finally, I am *furious*, posted by Phillipa on March 16, 2009, at 0:42:30
The problem with this is, I can't even go through those stages properly, because she's coming back. I'm just caught in limbo. All my nightmares involve waiting for something incredibly important to happen--and not knowing whether I'll make it.
Posted by raisinb on March 16, 2009, at 17:11:29
In reply to so finally, I am *furious*, posted by raisinb on March 15, 2009, at 15:18:21
She's coming back early--next Thursday.
This should be wonderful news, right? Intellectually I know that. But in my gut, I feel like, "uh uh. No way am I going back in there" combined with anxiety--what if I don't take the appointment and she gives it to somebody else?
Sheesh. This is why I need therapy!
I am up for tenure this year and my big "hearing" is on Thursday morning. I am too panicked about that to think about anything else stressful--maybe that's it.
Anyway, I can't bring myself to call her back, but I'm stressed about not calling. What a mess.
Posted by backseatdriver on March 16, 2009, at 17:54:43
In reply to wouldn't you know--she called this morning, posted by raisinb on March 16, 2009, at 17:11:29
good luck with your review, raisin :)
Posted by Annierose on March 16, 2009, at 19:50:44
In reply to wouldn't you know--she called this morning, posted by raisinb on March 16, 2009, at 17:11:29
I think you need to call her. Lots of that anxiety is about seeing her after the long break - and how that break came about unexpectedly early.
Daisy is right. A lot of these feeligs that are coming to the surface - are coming now because they can. You will see her soon and I think it's important that you do.
Posted by Dinah on March 16, 2009, at 19:51:39
In reply to wouldn't you know--she called this morning, posted by raisinb on March 16, 2009, at 17:11:29
I don't understand it, but I sure have experienced it. I felt pretty much what you are feeling. Keeping in touch with me was obviously not that important to him. When something happens in their lives, our place in it is all too clear.
I wanted to break free while I had a chance. After all I'd gotten along without him. If not swimmingly than at least I had gotten through.
Yet the second I heard his voice, and heard he would be available to see me, I felt the same pull and anxiety as if he had never left.
I wish I understood it better. But I think you're right to concentrate your emotional energy where it would be most useful to you right now. Good luck on Thursday!
Posted by Phillipa on March 16, 2009, at 20:24:44
In reply to wouldn't you know--she called this morning, posted by raisinb on March 16, 2009, at 17:11:29
Tenure do you teach. All the more important to keep the appointment just my thought. Good Luck Phillipa
Posted by raisinb on March 16, 2009, at 22:02:03
In reply to Re: wouldn't you know--she called this morning, posted by backseatdriver on March 16, 2009, at 17:54:43
Posted by raisinb on March 16, 2009, at 22:03:34
In reply to Re: wouldn't you know--she called this morning » raisinb, posted by Annierose on March 16, 2009, at 19:50:44
Yes, I know. I will probably end up calling her. Right now I feel like a six-year-old who's told to clean her room, but wants to lie in bed to finish the book she's reading. "NO. I don't WANT TO."
Posted by raisinb on March 16, 2009, at 22:05:41
In reply to Re: wouldn't you know--she called this morning » raisinb, posted by Dinah on March 16, 2009, at 19:51:39
Thank you, Dinah. Sometimes the structure of this relationship can sure p**ss a person off. There's something about it that feels devaluing and makes me wonder if therapy really serves my ultimate goal of self-love, self-acceptance, and not compromising my own limits.
Thanks for the good wishes! The only thing that's saving me until then is the 120 Xanax my pdoc so generously handed me.
Posted by raisinb on March 16, 2009, at 22:06:57
In reply to Re: wouldn't you know--she called this morning » raisinb, posted by Phillipa on March 16, 2009, at 20:24:44
Yeah, and the evaluation/tenure process has been pretty brutal.
I guess my therapist stirs up so much anxiety, too, that I just feel on overload at the moment.
Posted by backseatdriver on March 17, 2009, at 10:03:17
In reply to wouldn't you know--she called this morning, posted by raisinb on March 16, 2009, at 17:11:29
Raisin, something just occurred to me that hasn't yet been mentioned on this thread: Why did she decide to come back early and why now, when you are coming up for tenure?
Certainly her call was intrusive, as is the change of plan. I wish therapists would make up their minds about their schedules; they do ask as much from their patients and often to the nth degree.
I wonder if your T is -- intrusively and clumsily -- trying to take care of you. It may be a case of too little, too late, of course.
BSD
Posted by raisinb on March 17, 2009, at 13:01:30
In reply to Re: wouldn't you know--she called this morning, posted by backseatdriver on March 17, 2009, at 10:03:17
Interesting questions, BSD. I don't know why she decided to come back early, but she did the same thing her last maternity leave. My subjective (and maybe totally off-base) interpretation is that she gets bored and antsy sitting at home. She told me once she wasn't "too good" at relaxing.
As for the tenure, I doubt she remembers when the hearing is--we only discussed it once, a few months ago.
Posted by backseatdriver on March 17, 2009, at 15:51:23
In reply to Re: wouldn't you know--she called this morning » backseatdriver, posted by raisinb on March 17, 2009, at 13:01:30
Ah, your T has this pattern ... Darn. :(
My pattern is -- obviously -- blind optimism.
Posted by lucie lu on March 17, 2009, at 18:37:17
In reply to wouldn't you know--she called this morning, posted by raisinb on March 16, 2009, at 17:11:29
Posted by seldomseen on March 18, 2009, at 8:18:59
In reply to wouldn't you know--she called this morning, posted by raisinb on March 16, 2009, at 17:11:29
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