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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on November 16, 2008, at 13:36:27
It's hard to believe that not so long ago I was feeling like I could easily cut back on therapy. That I didn't need my therapist at all.
And now I'm as dependent as I ever was.
I spent all last session asking him for reassurances in a way I hadn't done for a long time. He patiently reassured me that no, I didn't annoy him with this. No, I wasn't a bad client because of that. And he thought about each statement too, in a way that always reassures me.
He didn't ask me what was going on, but at the end I realized what I was doing. I feel like such a failure on so many aspects of my life right now that I was asking for reassurance that I wasn't a failure as a client.
My bosses are mad at me, there's tons of pressure at work. I'm trying my best to accept that I really do have trouble with timeliness, and try to come up with ways to do better. But also accept that I've been trying for years with little success.
The best I've come up with is that there are ways I'm great as an employee, and ways I'm not so good. My father as my boss balanced the two and got the most from me. Everyone was pleased with me and everyone was happy. Most of all me, because my personal weakness (as opposed to my weaknesses as an employee) is that I like to do things I feel I do well. And I tend to avoid those things I don't feel confident about.
I've tried to talk to them about the things I need as an employee to maximize my strengths and minimize my weaknesses. But they are frank that they think I'm asking too much from them and they aren't willing to do the things my father was willing to do. They don't want to have to deal with the things I deal with every day. Having multiple bosses and multiple demands on my time. I'm lousy at that. I tend to appease those who yell the loudest, and try to please everyone, and think I can do everything if I just try hard enough. I don't tend to tell my bosses about the difficulties that are coming up. I need someone to be the funnel. To handle the multiple demands and give me a clear schedule of what to do next, without loading me with the rest of it. They aren't willing to do that, because they don't want to have to deal with the difficulties of making each other angry. Only one boss is willing to do it, and he's the one I simply could not possibly have fill that role without totally breaking down.
I'm trying to make what changes I can. I'm cc'ing my bosses on every email now, particularly the ones that would explain why I'm not completing things because I don't have the information I need. I'm also trying to email rather than call so the requests are more visible. I'm hoping they'll follow up as necessary because I'm not great at followup. I tend to think that people have my requests, they'll get to it when they can.
I'm trying to be more open with them about the various things I need to do, and trying to get them to tell me what priority I should place on them. I'm lousy at prioritizing too. Who's angriest? There's the priority.
They strongly imply that other employees don't need this. Maybe they're right although no other employees answer to as many people as I do. But isn't it better for them to try to provide what I need? Even if other employees don't need it? I'm very very good at what I am good at. I and they were thrilled with my work for so long, because I didn't have to try to compensate for these weaknesses on my own. Whatever they might dream of as an employee, isn't it best to do what's needed so I can go back to being the exemplary employee I once was?
And of course I also feel like I'm failing at home because I've been so busy at work. Housework is falling behind. Another case of prioritizing not done well.
I don't like not being a good girl. I don't like not doing well. I really don't like failing. I was the kid who sobbed if she got a B. I'm getting worse than a B now in life.
I've tried to handle it all on my own. I've tried to improve those areas that need improving. Obviously I have failed.
I too cried in front of my husband the other day. Or at least teared up. Something I almost never do. He's being really nice right now. But that won't last. He's someone who is tough on himself, has a strong belief that you do what you need to do. Period. He's going to go back to being angry with me again soon.
I'm not sleeping well at night, and getting up in the wee early hours and deciding to work then. Which cuts down on my productivity later, so I'm probably not gaining anything. I'm starting to have really bad thoughts and obsessions and urges. I think I'm going to have to take Risperdal for a while, and I worry because taking it more than once or twice tends to slow down my productivity too.
Posted by rskontos on November 16, 2008, at 15:24:02
In reply to The opposite of progress, posted by Dinah on November 16, 2008, at 13:36:27
Dinah,
I can see why you feel you need your T more. You need someone to vent to. With so much stress, it is a wonder you don't wig out.
I am afraid I am not much help as I too feel like such a failure.
I envy the relationship that you and so many here have with their t's. I feel I am a failure at that as well. I suck at relationships that involve people.
It isn't so much that you are dependent, but that you need a safe port in the eyes of so many storms. Again, be thankful you have that outlet. It is demoralizing to have too many bosses and not enough help to sort it all out. "Like too many cooks in the kitchen" and then nothing really gets done. I wish they would see the value in helping you would help them in the long run, but often bosses don't want the bother.
I am not sure the answer to that impossible situation but I say don't worry about depending on your T. That is what he is there for.
As for it being the opposite of progress, depends on how you look at it. You recognize your need of him, and why you need him. Isn't that healthy?
rsk
Posted by no_rose_garden on November 16, 2008, at 15:25:48
In reply to The opposite of progress, posted by Dinah on November 16, 2008, at 13:36:27
Dinah,
I can tell you're trying really hard at everything. It seems like you shouldn't have to do all this.
I wish you could take a break.
I'm sorry I don't know the right things to say, but it just doesn't seem right.
(((Dinah)))
Posted by Dinah on November 16, 2008, at 17:05:11
In reply to Re: The opposite of progress, posted by no_rose_garden on November 16, 2008, at 15:25:48
Thanks. I really do appreciate that.
Sometimes I feel like I'm trying hard, other times it seems like I'm unbelievably lazy. Because I can be terribly avoidant.
I just wish I could feel that old feeling of mastery.
Posted by Dinah on November 16, 2008, at 17:10:37
In reply to Re: The opposite of progress » Dinah, posted by rskontos on November 16, 2008, at 15:24:02
I suppose it is healthy that I can lean on him when I need him. I give him a lot of credit for the fact that I've been able to connect with him. It's not at all usual for me. So maybe it's not that you're a failure. Maybe you just haven't felt the right connection. Although there were years where I couldn't figure out at all why I felt so connected to this person, and it wasn't at all a comfortable connection.
I've been reading "The Making of a Therapist" by Louis Cozolino. My therapist might have based his entire practice on this book, because they're pretty much describing him. He really really is good at some things.
I think my problems at work have a lot of layers. But the biggest layer is the one I described, and I don't know that there is a solution. I'd really like one though, because I feel so much better about myself when I feel competent.
Posted by TherapyGirl on November 16, 2008, at 19:11:47
In reply to The opposite of progress, posted by Dinah on November 16, 2008, at 13:36:27
You've got a lot on your plate, Dinah. I hope someone at work will stop the insanity for you soon. I don't think you're the only one who would have trouble setting priorities under these conditions. They probably just don't want to change it because then they might have to admit that they are expecting more work than one person can do.
I hope something gets better for you soon. I'm glad your T was helpful.
((((((((((Dinah))))))))))
Posted by seldomseen on November 16, 2008, at 22:11:35
In reply to The opposite of progress, posted by Dinah on November 16, 2008, at 13:36:27
The way you describe it, your therapy right now sounds more like a lifeline than some pathological relapse into dependency.
Would I grab that therapy rope and hold on as tight as I could in your situation?
Heck yeah!
I wish we weren't so critical of ourselves sometimes.
Peace to you.
Seldom
Posted by Dinah on November 16, 2008, at 23:32:50
In reply to Re: The opposite of progress » Dinah, posted by TherapyGirl on November 16, 2008, at 19:11:47
Well, it's probably not more work than one person could do. But given that I only work part time, it might be too much for that.
I miss Daddy. He yelled an awful lot, but he was good for me.
Posted by Dinah on November 16, 2008, at 23:37:19
In reply to Re: The opposite of progress » Dinah, posted by seldomseen on November 16, 2008, at 22:11:35
He really does make a great lifeline. He told me Friday that he may not be very stable, but he is very even keeled. (Or vice versa actually.) It really is true. Nothing I say can shake him.
At the moment others are being critical enough of me that it would be foolish of me not to be critical of myself. The weekend was so nice. No one calls on the weekend.
Posted by Phillipa on November 17, 2008, at 13:01:01
In reply to Re: The opposite of progress » TherapyGirl, posted by Dinah on November 16, 2008, at 23:32:50
Dinah you work very hard. I'm so sorry your Daddy isn't your boss anymore could this be a trigger time reguarding your Daddy? Probably totally off base. And I don't do my cleaning either and no excuse of having a job. Ebay isn't a real one as it's home. Love Phillipa ease up a little on you. Can you?
Posted by Dinah on November 17, 2008, at 16:44:41
In reply to Re: The opposite of progress » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on November 17, 2008, at 13:01:01
I probably blow it a bit out of proportion. I always did for B's, and I suppose it's possible that I do now.
Even the bosses who are upset with me are quick to reassure me that I'm a good employee. That there are things that need to change, but I'm a good employee. I talked to the one who's currently most annoyed with me today, and I really feel like he *got* what I was telling him in terms of my strengths and weaknesses and what I was trying to do to correct the weaknesses, and where I thought I needed help to do that.
I guess in explaining it, it really came through how much people pleasing I do. Well, maybe that's not the right word. Anger appeasing may be more correct. Or avoidance of anger. So that those nice people who don't fuss at me end up worse off than those who do fuss. Hardly fair.
It also leaves people with the impression that they need to push me. And I don't think that's quite correct either. Because overall for my job I do worse when I am under pressure. I just may do better at that moment for that person.
Ugh. Lots to think about and to talk about in therapy.
Am I catastrophizing? Is it enough to accept their assurances that they aren't angry with me, when I can tell from their edginess with me that they are angry?
Do I really (gasp!) people please? It's not something I've ever thought about myself. But I do know I avoid anger.
Posted by Midnightblue on November 17, 2008, at 19:57:24
In reply to The opposite of progress, posted by Dinah on November 16, 2008, at 13:36:27
Dinah,
I'm so sorry. Life can be so hard sometimes. It doesn't seem to matter how hard you try does it? It is never enough for somebody.
MidnightBlue
Posted by JoniS on November 17, 2008, at 22:18:22
In reply to The opposite of progress, posted by Dinah on November 16, 2008, at 13:36:27
Dinah,
Sorry you're having a difficult time. As I read your post a lot of similarites came up for me. I too had a terrible week last week, full of pressure, and to make it worse I put the highest of expectations on myself.
Anyway I hope things are going better for you this week and that you are able to feel good about your accomplishments, and your healthy t relationship.
take care
Joni
Posted by Dinah on November 18, 2008, at 12:44:05
In reply to Re: The opposite of progress » Dinah, posted by Midnightblue on November 17, 2008, at 19:57:24
Well, I don't think my bosses are unreasonable in being unhappy with me. I'm unhappy with me too. I guess I just figure that they should accept that I've totally failed in certain areas, and my attempts to self adjust have also failed. It's not as if they are so awash in potential employees who can do the work as well as I can that they can afford to throw away an employee like me. So given all that, I really wish they would go to the trouble of giving me what I need in order to be able to work more efficiently. But they're older, I think, and care more about avoiding the hassle themselves.
Or at least that's how it seems.
Posted by Dinah on November 18, 2008, at 12:56:21
In reply to Re: The opposite of progress » Dinah, posted by JoniS on November 17, 2008, at 22:18:22
My therapist is being wonderful for me. I sobbed through today's session enough to make a mild headache horrible by the end of the session. He was even understanding of that, and helped me settle down before leaving.
He understands my dynamics so well that he can grasp what I'm trying to say and also try to come up with reasonable solutions. Although he can back off them when I need him to not be so solution focused.
I'm sorry you're also experiencing that kind of pressure. Are your bosses understanding? I really think I got through to one of mine yesterday, tho it will make no difference in the long run. I do get through to them from time to time, but then they get busy and let it slide. We're an office jammed pack full of avoidant people, I think.
I hope this week goes better for you.
Posted by JayMac on November 18, 2008, at 18:06:48
In reply to The opposite of progress, posted by Dinah on November 16, 2008, at 13:36:27
Posted by Dinah on November 19, 2008, at 22:26:58
In reply to Re: Many Hugs to You!!! =) (nm) » Dinah, posted by JayMac on November 18, 2008, at 18:06:48
I may be feeling a teeny bit better. I don't know that my feelings have changed, but I'm able to work more and cry less. That's got to be a good thing.
Posted by Kath on November 20, 2008, at 14:01:35
In reply to Thanks, posted by Dinah on November 19, 2008, at 22:26:58
Sorry not to be here earlier. Just reading this now.
Dinah, you are so very clear about things. You have such a handle on things - an awareness.
I hope you can do things the help you feel your value & to nurture yourself. I hope you will give yourself a little gift of seeing if you have a little booklet around - or if you can afford it, buy yourself one (the dollar stores often have pretty books for a dollar). It can be called a "Good Things" book or whatever name feels okay. In it, if it feels safe & comfortable, you write down good things about yourself....maybe daily, or even more than once daily. If you can't find a good thing, but need a little boost, maybe you could look around & see if you see something you like or enjoy - even the colour of something.
(((((((((((((((((((you)))))))))))))))))
much love, Kath
This is the end of the thread.
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