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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Partlycloudy on November 3, 2008, at 15:26:18
I'm now dealing with the PTSD brought on from the *fully* (gawd, I sure hope so) memories from my CSA. My sleep is all messed up - all of a sudden I'm having trouble falling asleep, I'm having horrible dreams of a huge variety, I'm having anxiety IN MY SLEEP - I only know this because I keep waking up with my chest incredibly tight, feeling like I've been breathing really shallowly. And I'm getting up in the morning feeling like crap, because although I'm sleep a lot, I'm not getting much restful sleep.
My panic attacks, long - I thought - in my past, have abruptly returned. They show up in the most inconvenient places and during the worst times.
I'm in a perpetually foul mood.
I've been doggedly trying to work my way through the CSA book my therapist lent me, and every time I've done the writing exercises, my back has gone into spasms.
My T had wanted me to try to work my physical way through this discomfort - actually work up a sweat. I've been able to distract myself with tasks like washing my kitchen floor by hand. Ironing practically the entire contents of my closet. Not sweat-inducing, but soothing in their mindlessness. Then I remembered what one of my past kitties was like at the vet's. He was scared witless - a snarling, hissing, biting, scratching mass of fear. That pretty much sums up where I am right now. The best vet tech who knew how to deal with him simply tossed a towel over the poor frightened beast, and he peaced out pretty quickly. Take away the sensory input (put him in the dark and not allow him to try to run away) and a bit of calm was able to creep in a bit. So instead of trying to sweat and run my way through this bit of present crisis I'm finding myself in, I find I'd prefer a blanket to be tossed over me. My back is still SCREAMING at me to be tended to - I rather think that washing the floor on my hands and knees, and doing hours of ironing, is not really helping in that respect. My headaches have been pretty bad - 2 or 3 a week. Today I had a visit with my neurologist. He asked me what the heck was going on.
He got the full story from me. Tears and everything. "Who else have you told?" he asked, quietly and gently. Just my therapist and when I told her, my husband was sitting beside me in the taxicab, I replied. "Wow," he said. He shook my hand at the end of my appointment (he's never done that before), and said that I've started on an important journey that was a long time in coming.
Wrote me a scrip for Ambien. Upped my migraine prophylactic. Tomorrow I have an emergency appointment with my pdoc, which I made at my therapist's request. I felt so guilty when I called, but also felt relief in acknowledging that I'm suffering right now, and that I need real help. Then I see my T on Wednesday.
Inevitably, onwards. There is no way back now.
Posted by rskontos on November 3, 2008, at 16:29:49
In reply to PTSD and CSA stuff (hope that triggers obvious), posted by Partlycloudy on November 3, 2008, at 15:26:18
Partly Cloudy,
I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. I have had panic attacks in so many places. Lately too. I discussed this today with my therapist who is my pdoc. Handy for meds. He gave me xanax. I had to take a xanax just to get to therapy today. I almost dissociated on him during the discussion of my flashback. One day after having a panic attack at the grocery store I came home laid on the couch for 30 minutes just remembering the awful body memories. That time it was only the memories of my body no flashbacks. But they were so bad I was unable to move literally.
I take enough xanax at night to get through the night sometimes it works sometimes not. Like last night. I do so understand and my heart goes out to you. I have cried today off and on.
I too am having loads of headaches and i upped my topamax. I too finally told my neurologist. She was great. Funny when you don't think neuros can be very sensitive given sometimes they aren't.
Any way, I am not sure if I am helping you at all. Just know I understand your journey. If that helps.
((((Partly Cloudy))))))
rsk
I can't stop my tears lately. I really hate that.
Posted by happyflower on November 3, 2008, at 22:12:29
In reply to PTSD and CSA stuff (hope that triggers obvious), posted by Partlycloudy on November 3, 2008, at 15:26:18
Hi Party Cloudy,
PTSD is so hard to deal with, the symptoms are never welcomed by anyone, they are so debilitating.
YOu know I know this, and it is hard for others to understand it unless they have experienced it, it isn't just one thing, it is several, all senses are on overload. I am glad you are seeing your PDoc to help you, never feel guilty for needing him, that is what they are there for.
Do you think you could cut back on that book and workbook for now? Or maybe do it with your T so he can help you with what is happening? It seems like you have had enough to deal with just excepting what happened to your past.It makes some sense for you to work out while feeling your pain, but maybe try things that aren't hard on your back in the first place. Ironing is also hard on your back, unless you do it without bending over. How about washing windows or just walking?
Are your nightmares actual memories you think? Because they could be flashbacks. It is so hard to operate when you can't get a good night's sleep, it seems like alone is enough to through anyone off balance.
Maybe the book is too much to deal with, you need to be able to survive just living right now. Maybe going slower at this. I am so sorry you have to go through this, I wish I could help somehow. I hope the sleep meds help you get to sleep and stay asleep. I am curious what your Pdoc thinks and your T after you see them.
Posted by DAisym on November 3, 2008, at 23:13:09
In reply to PTSD and CSA stuff (hope that triggers obvious), posted by Partlycloudy on November 3, 2008, at 15:26:18
Onwards. Totally.
It is a slow climb and sometimes the path narrows in ways we don't expect. But it seems like you have a great team working with you and they all want to help ease your pain.
I couldn't work through the book, it was too triggering for me. But it was important to tell the memory or memories over and over again. I told what I remembered, how it felt, how it feels now, what the dreams were and I told it from all different states and ages. Often I feel like I'm in shock again and we go back to reestablishing safety. There is a balance to things and you have to guard against retraumatizing yourself. Half the time I think I've made it all up...the other half the time I'm terrified no one will believe me.
I find that when I'm really falling apart, organizing my kitchen or baking works for me. There is something very primal in cooking - I think because of the mixing process and the smells. I never want to eat it, I just want to make it. Pretty weird.
Take gentle care,
Daisy
Posted by Phillipa on November 3, 2008, at 23:36:46
In reply to Re: PTSD and CSA stuff (hope that triggers obvious), posted by DAisym on November 3, 2008, at 23:13:09
PC if you can put that emtional turmoil into walking you've hopefully got good weather and know the scenery is great and let footprints if you know what I mean guide you walk and try and get out of yourself for a while. Hope you understand and also question the workbook at this time. Phillipa
Posted by antigua3 on November 4, 2008, at 7:44:19
In reply to PTSD and CSA stuff (hope that triggers obvious), posted by Partlycloudy on November 3, 2008, at 15:26:18
I agree with everyone else. Perhaps the book is too triggering for you right now. I have been through that book. It helped me realize I wasn't the only one going through this (this was before I had babble!), but like Daisy, I found it too triggering at times. I pulled it out recently to see if it could help me, but again, it was too triggering.
I also understand the keep moving part. (After all, my pdoc is the king of that!), and while I find it helpful for motivation and not stopping to be so scared anymore, I do find that there are times when I have to hide under that blanket like your little kitty. I think both approaches are helpful, but you have to listen carefully to your mind and body to find which approach works best, when.
Don't rush it, or you'll get even more overloaded. That's just my advice, given my experience.
I, too, am glad you have a whole team of caring professionals. Use them! They are your lifeline now, but listen to your own self too.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Sounds like you're in the worst of it, so just be careful.
take good care of yourself,
antigua
Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 4, 2008, at 11:48:27
In reply to PTSD and CSA stuff (hope that triggers obvious), posted by Partlycloudy on November 3, 2008, at 15:26:18
Partly,
:( Things are so hard, and seem SO unfair, but I think there's a lot of wisdom in what your neurologist told you. You make a deep impact on others, and I think there are so many people who truly care deeply about you.Sometimes I think that "processing trauma" is akin to vomiting up some bad sushi. It churns around in there for a while, and worshiping at the porcelain altar is most unpleasant. Yet, when it's all done, you've learned an important lesson about yourself-- you CAN survive this.
I'm so proud of you that you have been getting pharmacological support for your symptoms. Therapy will be so important for you. I wonder if you are "ready" for this because you've been in a really solid therapeutic relationship. (although... WHO is ever READY for this..??). There is no shame in asking for help, in telling your story, or having symptoms in the first place. This stuff is a communication, and I don't want you to "shoot the messenger" just because the body is delivering an intolerable message.
(((((((((partlycloudy))))))))))
hugs, and don't forget--- free coffee on election day at starbucks
-Ll
Posted by Partlycloudy on November 4, 2008, at 17:17:13
In reply to PTSD and CSA stuff (hope that triggers obvious), posted by Partlycloudy on November 3, 2008, at 15:26:18
He's slightly increased my Xanax and is switching me from Prozac to Zoloft for the PTSD. He concurred with the neuro's dispensing of Ambien - and last night, I was really grateful for plain old sleep that left me feeling rested.
The medication changes are hopefully short term. I go back for a follow up in 5 weeks.
Tomorrow with my therapist I think I want to talk to her about just what my body aches and pains are trying to tell me - this working and sweating through really does the insult that was done to me so long ago a disservice, and I think that's part of what the back spasms while I've tried to write about my experience are about. I think that I need to be tending to the wounded person that I am at the present, not trying to push past her.
Tonight I am going to take a soaking bath - after I've addressed this headache and backache (again, argh). I think that I really and truly need some babying, and maybe then I won't hurt so much. At least on the physical bits. And I do intend to continue working with the book (I got a couple of chapters down today), but very, very slowly and gently. I think, finally, that it's time that I show the very young person who suffered at the hands of that most evil perpetrator, some charity and compassion. I had thought before of my kitty who had the towel thrown over her while she was so panicked, and now I'm seeing myself as a bird with a broken wing, that requires gentle tending so she doesn't injure herself further.
As always, I treasure all of your thoughts and input. I'm sorry I'm not able to respond individually - just not right now.
Posted by Poet on November 5, 2008, at 17:54:07
In reply to The pdoc visit and my thoughts, posted by Partlycloudy on November 4, 2008, at 17:17:13
Hi PC,
I hope the sleep meds help. I have chronic insomnia which probably leads back to CSA, but I don't want to deal with that.
Sorry those memories have hurt you physcialy and emotionally, though that you are talking about it will no doubt help. Avoidance is not the answer I know from experience.
Take care and take a long hot bath with bubbles for your inner child.
Poet
Posted by Poet on November 5, 2008, at 17:54:12
In reply to The pdoc visit and my thoughts, posted by Partlycloudy on November 4, 2008, at 17:17:13
Hi PC,
I hope the sleep meds help. I have chronic insomnia which probably leads back to CSA, but I don't want to deal with that.
Sorry those memories have hurt you physcialy and emotionally, though that you are talking about it will no doubt help. Avoidance is not the answer I know from experience.
Take care and take a long hot bath with bubbles for your inner child.
Poet
Posted by maysie on November 13, 2008, at 17:00:48
In reply to Re: The pdoc visit and my thoughts » Partlycloudy, posted by Poet on November 5, 2008, at 17:54:12
I'm the new old lady on the block. You refer in several posts to body aches. I had that too. Thought I wasn't doing this or that right, needed more exercise. Anyway, just cutting to the chase, I discovered I have fibromyalgia. It gets way worse under stress. It's a possibility,for you. Look into it and see if you think it fits you. Either way, you are being really hard on yourself. This is a time for indulgence, so you can heal.
take care, Maysie
This is the end of the thread.
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