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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Amanda29 on September 28, 2008, at 18:58:54
What consitutes a trip to the psych hospital? I mean I know the obvious...if you are suicidal or a harm to others,or depressed...I just need to get out of my life...I need to get away from everyone. I am so confused with everything. I told my T it is hard because I go to him every week and I am a wreck...at least my thoughts are...and yet during the week when I am around my family and coworkers...I have to put up this fake front where I am all happy and everything is good. I come home and I am exhausted for being someone that I am not. I dont like feeling depressed and sick...but I am. It has been suggested that I go out and do things and get my mind on other things..but I am too scared to do anything by myself...I dont have any friends...Im just kind of stuck right now. Whem my mom is on the phone with me, she asks me how I am..and I have to lie to her and tell her I am fine...previously when she had asked me how I was..and I was honest and told her I was feeling depressed...she told me to snap out of it..that I am only thinking of myself and I need to get over myself and focus on someone else for a change and that I am selfish. SO. As you can imagine...I dont tell her how I am anymore...same thing goes for the rest of my family. SO..the only person that sees me as ME...is my T.
I am in so much pain it hurts...and I Feel like my T is frustrated because I have been making progress and all of a sudden ..I am not. Im not trying to upset anyone...I am upsetting myself because I am so alone.
I want to be in the hospital to get away from life...but I dont like the hospital setting. I went to rehab last year and it was really rough...I think this would be even worse.
But, the sad thing is that I feel like I belong in a psychiatric hospital...I have BPD, OCD, Bipoar disorder, Major depression and anxiety and ptsd..and all it would take from me is one major meltdown and I could go...but I dont want to have to do that...I just want to go...But...I know I cannot use the hospital as a "hotel" just to get away for a few days.
I just want to be at a place where I feel accepted ...and unfortunatley I feel like I would fit right in.
I want my T to give me the ok to go..but I know he is doing everything he can to keep me OUT of the place...because ultimately that is not a place that I would want to be.
I want to go to the hospital, I want to flip out on everyone and get sedated and to have people care for me...I need someone to care for me..I feel like I cannot care for myself....
My thoughts are all messed up...how many people actually want to be admitted to a psych hospital?
I think ultimately I DONT want to. But I am just trying to go where I know I belong. :(
Posted by lucie lu on September 28, 2008, at 20:15:48
In reply to confused..., posted by Amanda29 on September 28, 2008, at 18:58:54
Amanda,
You really seem to be having a rough time. I think that good reasons to consider a psych hospital are to ensure safety or if you are in too much pain to function. You may not like it much once you're there but (decent) psych hospitals are pretty good at dealing with safety or excessive pain. I don't remember it being a particularly restful experience but on the other hand, you do get treatment. When I was there (admittedly this was quite a while ago), they didn't really sedate patients for very long - there were med appts, group therapy, psych appts, soc appts, and what seemed like endless activities. They really didn't let us lie in because they didn't want us to veg. This makes psych hospitals different, in my experience, from regular hospitals where you can sleep and get meds and recuperate and then you're sent home. Now that was restful (except for the surgery part, which wasn't much fun). If you have made a plan with your T, that might be the best place to start. Then the two of you can decide together what the best thing would be for you.
I'm sorry you're in so much pain, Amanda, and I hope things work out for you.
Take care, Lucie
Posted by Amanda29 on September 28, 2008, at 20:24:24
In reply to Re: confused... » Amanda29, posted by lucie lu on September 28, 2008, at 20:15:48
Thank you. I want to be able to go and lay in the bed and not talk to anyone...and I am afraid that I would do just that...I tend to be stubborn and I don't handle authority figures well..and as a matter of fact there is a woman psychiatrist that I used to be a patient of..and one of the reasons I have stayed out of the hospital is because of her...if I were to run into her...I would completely go off and they would have to sedate me...because I cannot handle her....and they would restrain me and it just wouldnt be a good thing. I would lay around because I wouldnt want to do anything they say...(im not proud of that..) but when I get depressed..there is nothing anyone can do to make me do anything. Like today..I was either on the computer...or lying in bed.
About an hour ago I coudnt stand to be in my house anymore so I just got in my car and drove around for about 20 minutes...which was a complete waste of gas...but and now, I am about to go to sleep ...but I keep waiting to see if my T will respond to my email...which I dont think he will tonight.
When I was at rehab...they had us going constantly every hour until like ten at night...and I was severealy depressed for about a week and didnt leave my bed...until they started writing me up...and I just dont know what to do with myself...I want to escape from reality...abusing benzos was my way of escaping..and now I cannot do anything...and I am in so much pain.
Posted by muffled on September 29, 2008, at 13:11:03
In reply to Re: confused... » lucie lu, posted by Amanda29 on September 28, 2008, at 20:24:24
Amanada, I don't know you or your meds. But it seems like you very depressed. That takea away your will to DO anything. To be proactive in helping yourself.
Are your meds OK> if you are on meds.
You not so strange. I have wanted to goto hosp, just to escape for a bit. Here its not so easy to get in. And I don't really want to anyways cuz I got kids and stuff.
In our hosp, they just drug you up to shut you up, stabilize you(in THEIR opinion), and then they kick ya loose. There's just not enuf beds.
Food was OK though. The meds I was on made me HUNGRY, and the breakfast buffet cart was the highlight of my day!
Anyhow.
I am sorry you feel bad. And I hope you can communicate this with your T. Mebbe get meds adjusted.
Can you do any volunteer work? Its lower stress, and can make you feel good.
It helps if you can be around people.
Are you in a 'group' therapy group? that might help.
Its so hard to do anything when depressed.
Ask your T what other resources are out there for you. DBT groups, outpatient programs, etc.
And mebbe make a list of stuff that mebbe does make you feel a wee bit good.
Art? Nature? Coffee? etc, and try and do nice stuff for yourself from time to time.
Doing nice stuff for others makes me feel best of all when I can. I volunteer alot and try and support others. When I am well enuf, I want to do more to reach other struggling people somehow.
Take care,
M
Posted by seldomseen on September 30, 2008, at 5:33:27
In reply to confused..., posted by Amanda29 on September 28, 2008, at 18:58:54
"I have to put up this fake front where I am all happy and everything is good. I come home and I am exhausted for being someone that I am not. I dont like feeling depressed and sick...but I am."
I absolutely, positively understand exactly where you are coming from.
Lately, I have been coming home from work and absolutely crashing. The fatigue is overwhelming. keeping that front up. Staying ahead of the insanity. Oh yeah, I get that.
It would be very very nice to just give up for a little while. Check in to a facility and just rock back and forth for a while wouldn't it? Just rest and stop even trying to be well.
God I dream about that. I think sometimes we all do.
In fact, I wrote a letter to my T not very long ago that was almost verbatim what you wrote in your post. He commented on how well written it was.
My ultimate hope is that some day the "front" and the "crazy" will eventually come together and there won't be that great tectonic plate of activity. Or at least the fault line will become dormant.
The fact is Amanda, and I don't mean to be glib, but once you drop anchor in port crazy I think it would be really really hard to get out again. It would be too easy to just stay.
I'm not ready to do that just yet, and I don't think you are either.
So, we've got to stay and fight for our life, our ability to live it, and hopefully along the way find some joy amidst the struggle.
I developed what I call a sanity anchors instead. Simple things that seem to calm the seismic activity. I started making the stone mirrors which are actually quite nice. It's just gluing rocks to things but whatever. I make soap butterflies.
The point is to find something - anything that helps you to stay in this world as best you can and in some way lets the stuggle just *be* for awhile. You can pick up the fight again later.
I say to just ignore what most people tell you to do and find your own way to reinforce yourself against the struggle.
You can do it.
Seldom
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