Posted by seldomseen on September 30, 2008, at 5:33:27
In reply to confused..., posted by Amanda29 on September 28, 2008, at 18:58:54
"I have to put up this fake front where I am all happy and everything is good. I come home and I am exhausted for being someone that I am not. I dont like feeling depressed and sick...but I am."
I absolutely, positively understand exactly where you are coming from.
Lately, I have been coming home from work and absolutely crashing. The fatigue is overwhelming. keeping that front up. Staying ahead of the insanity. Oh yeah, I get that.
It would be very very nice to just give up for a little while. Check in to a facility and just rock back and forth for a while wouldn't it? Just rest and stop even trying to be well.
God I dream about that. I think sometimes we all do.
In fact, I wrote a letter to my T not very long ago that was almost verbatim what you wrote in your post. He commented on how well written it was.
My ultimate hope is that some day the "front" and the "crazy" will eventually come together and there won't be that great tectonic plate of activity. Or at least the fault line will become dormant.
The fact is Amanda, and I don't mean to be glib, but once you drop anchor in port crazy I think it would be really really hard to get out again. It would be too easy to just stay.
I'm not ready to do that just yet, and I don't think you are either.
So, we've got to stay and fight for our life, our ability to live it, and hopefully along the way find some joy amidst the struggle.
I developed what I call a sanity anchors instead. Simple things that seem to calm the seismic activity. I started making the stone mirrors which are actually quite nice. It's just gluing rocks to things but whatever. I make soap butterflies.
The point is to find something - anything that helps you to stay in this world as best you can and in some way lets the stuggle just *be* for awhile. You can pick up the fight again later.
I say to just ignore what most people tell you to do and find your own way to reinforce yourself against the struggle.
You can do it.
Seldom
poster:seldomseen
thread:854659
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080920/msgs/854907.html