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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by raisinb on January 15, 2008, at 12:38:03
I'm in a welter of emotions. One of my closest friends in the world just had a baby. I got the call this morning that they are both doing fine, but not so for me! My friend is 39 and had almost given up on having a baby, until she met her current boyfriend. I'm simultaneously so happy for her and so, so jealous (I don't even have a DATE and for the last couple of years my maternal urges have been kicking in pretty strongly). And I need to go to the hospital to see her, I know she'd be upset if I don't, but I am not sure how I'll deal with it.
Also I think the reason my desire to have a baby started kicking in is because when I started seeing my T, she was pregnant, and disappeared unexpectedly early to have the baby and take maternity leave. I had a slew of overwhelming and confusing emotions about this. I had never experienced strong transference with any T before, and it was a shock to me. I was jealous of her (before this, I didn't realize I wanted to be a mother), her *baby* (which I did *not* expect to feel), and angry, and sad, and...well, you get the picture. She tried several times to address how I'd felt about it after she came back, but I resisted, because our relationship is so up and down and I hate to admit to this stuff, I don't want to appear so needy and rejected.
And, and I don't think I can talk to my T about my friend because it brings up all that stuff and I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about--or think about--her pregnancy two years ago.
When I was little my house didn't have any love, really, and when my younger siblings were born I loved them, but hated them (for taking up what little there was, and pushing me aside), too. Then my mom had severe complications when she had my little sister, when I wasn't very old, and they both almost died, and I think it must have been traumatic because now when I think about the whole thing I am filled with fear and grief. And I hate hospitals.
So, um, is that complicated enough? :) I just had to vent, I'm not sure if there is any wisdom for this, but it doesn't feel like this is something I can talk about with *anyone* right now. Thanks for reading.
Posted by muffled on January 15, 2008, at 18:21:55
In reply to ohmigosh having trouble sorting this out *long*, posted by raisinb on January 15, 2008, at 12:38:03
Posted by rskontos on January 15, 2008, at 21:11:58
In reply to ohmigosh having trouble sorting this out *long*, posted by raisinb on January 15, 2008, at 12:38:03
Raisinb,
I have thought about your post all day before answering. I went to therapy and back before......
my thoughts are this.......
sometimes things are deeply buried and need to be looked at regardless of when we are ready and I think maybe this is time for you to talk to your T about this....for two reasons. The most important one is for you...and for your friend. You do need to go see the baby for your friend but for yourself. You never know how seeing this baby will affect you. It might be better than you realize. A baby is a gift for the family but it can be an unexpected gift for you too. In ways you might never know if you allow fear to hold you back. Fear is guiding you now and not allowing to do something in therapy and for a friend. And while it might be hard for you it might bring healing too and something else....I say as hard as it might be it might also be time, time to get this out with your therapist's help and guidance. Two years is a long time to go with something held inside and not dealt with.......and it would mean alot to your friend. And you did say she was one of your closest friends. Will this not hurt her? I just hate to see you do something you might regret later and not be able to undo....while it might be something that can help you grow. i know it will be hard and you will definitely need your therapist to help, but after all this might be the writing on the wall so to speak. At least think about it.......good luck you are in a tough place and my thoughts are with you...I had to speak my mind, I hope you understand that I had your ultimate peace at heart when I composed this...rsk
Posted by Daisym on January 15, 2008, at 23:40:06
In reply to ohmigosh having trouble sorting this out *long*, posted by raisinb on January 15, 2008, at 12:38:03
When my best friend had her baby girl, I went to visit and promptly burst into tears. That was 15 years ago - so many emotions that came up and out and then got stuffed back into a box. Amazing the impact of babies. (My friend cried with me, neither one of sure why we were crying but it was totally OK.)
I wish I'd recognized that these were important feelings to work with. I wasn't in therapy at the time. Now I can see how much my own abuse was coming up and how much sadnes I was feeling.
I think this is an opportunity to talk about some really painful and tender feelings. You don't have to protect your therapist from this - she can handle it. I understand it is scary and complicated. It is true that one thing will lead to another. But isn't that why you are in therapy - to figure stuff out with help?
Stick your toe in the water. This sounds soo important.
Posted by raisinb on January 16, 2008, at 11:20:43
In reply to ohmigosh having trouble sorting this out *long*, posted by raisinb on January 15, 2008, at 12:38:03
Thanks all of you for your kind, thoughtful posts. There's so much wisdom on this board.
I'm going to the hospital today, and I'm going to think about talking to my T about this. There are so many hard things connected to this issue.
Posted by muffled on January 16, 2008, at 12:59:13
In reply to Re: ohmigosh having trouble sorting this out *long*, posted by raisinb on January 16, 2008, at 11:20:43
Posted by raisinb on January 19, 2008, at 13:46:05
In reply to Re: ohmigosh having trouble sorting this out *long* » raisinb, posted by Daisym on January 15, 2008, at 23:40:06
You were right, rsk, that I couldn't predict how it would affect me. I expected to feel sadness, jealousy, and inadequacy. Instead I felt awe at what a miracle he was. And when he cried, I felt amazement and sadness for what a vulnerable, scared, confused little being he was, and I felt glad that he would have my friend, me, and so many other people who would love him. I'm glad I went and I'm glad I'll be in his life.
This is the end of the thread.
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