Posted by raisinb on January 15, 2008, at 12:38:03
I'm in a welter of emotions. One of my closest friends in the world just had a baby. I got the call this morning that they are both doing fine, but not so for me! My friend is 39 and had almost given up on having a baby, until she met her current boyfriend. I'm simultaneously so happy for her and so, so jealous (I don't even have a DATE and for the last couple of years my maternal urges have been kicking in pretty strongly). And I need to go to the hospital to see her, I know she'd be upset if I don't, but I am not sure how I'll deal with it.
Also I think the reason my desire to have a baby started kicking in is because when I started seeing my T, she was pregnant, and disappeared unexpectedly early to have the baby and take maternity leave. I had a slew of overwhelming and confusing emotions about this. I had never experienced strong transference with any T before, and it was a shock to me. I was jealous of her (before this, I didn't realize I wanted to be a mother), her *baby* (which I did *not* expect to feel), and angry, and sad, and...well, you get the picture. She tried several times to address how I'd felt about it after she came back, but I resisted, because our relationship is so up and down and I hate to admit to this stuff, I don't want to appear so needy and rejected.
And, and I don't think I can talk to my T about my friend because it brings up all that stuff and I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about--or think about--her pregnancy two years ago.
When I was little my house didn't have any love, really, and when my younger siblings were born I loved them, but hated them (for taking up what little there was, and pushing me aside), too. Then my mom had severe complications when she had my little sister, when I wasn't very old, and they both almost died, and I think it must have been traumatic because now when I think about the whole thing I am filled with fear and grief. And I hate hospitals.
So, um, is that complicated enough? :) I just had to vent, I'm not sure if there is any wisdom for this, but it doesn't feel like this is something I can talk about with *anyone* right now. Thanks for reading.
poster:raisinb
thread:806689
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080114/msgs/806689.html