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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by emily99 on October 4, 2007, at 14:13:55
Hello everyone! I've been enjoying reading your posts, and now I think it's time I opened up to you.
I was dx with BPD a year ago, and am just now understanding what it really is. I believe I have had it as far back as I can remember.
I am now on disability, and because of it, lost my only client (I was a software engineer).
I've wondered if I have DD as well. I often say to myself "Let's" do this or that. I will have to bring this up to my pdoc. I am in search of a therapist or psychologist.
I have had horrific life events that I'll explain briefly. If you think this will be a trigger for you, please don't read further.
I watched my Nanny drown when I was 4, was molested by a train conductor the same year, I was in a serious car accident, my mother shot and killed my father when I was 14, I was date raped on my 15th birthday and got pregnant, married an abusive man 10 yrs my sr, who killed himself in 1990. My 2nd husband died of cancer, third marriage lasted less than a year, my brother and sister are dying of Huntington's Disease, and my oldest son committed suicide several years ago.
I have been in a deep depression and am having hallucinations. Most recently, I saw a real hunk of a guy walk in my bathroom!
I have to drive an hour to see my pdoc every month, but I really like him. I live in northern New Mexico. I suspect that the T he recommends will be there as well, so I'm not looking forward to a long drive every week. He's in Taos, where Julia Roberts lives. Maybe I'll pass her on the street one day!
I look forward to hearing back from all of you. You're a great group.
Emily99
Posted by B2chica on October 4, 2007, at 14:34:26
In reply to New and my story, posted by emily99 on October 4, 2007, at 14:13:55
Welcome Emily99.
and i am sorry about the pain you have experienced in your life.
you have come to a good place. i've been here just about four years and it has been life saving at times.
it is very supportive place.just to quickly clarify for me...you said you have a diagnosis of BPD, do you mean borderline personality disorder(BPD) or bipolar disorder(BP)?
i ask because of the hallucinations you mention. if you have dx of BPD then there is indeed something else going on. if you meant BP, then sometimes hallucinations can be part of a manic episode.my t's pretty close to me however, there are others here i think that drive quite a distance to see their T's.
maybe they'll chime in.again Welcome Emily.
b2c.
Posted by emily99 on October 4, 2007, at 16:54:48
In reply to Re: New and my story, posted by B2chica on October 4, 2007, at 14:34:26
Hi B2c,
Thank you for your response. I meant that I was dx with bipolar disorder. My pdoc hasn't said if it's I or II, but I think I (one). It has taken me over a year to get over my last manic episode. Funny as it may sound, I decided to get chickens and build a chicken house myself. I did a great job, but ran myself right into the ground. I couldn't pick up a board toward the end, and am still very weak. I also lost 62 lbs, which I only needed to lose part of. I'm back at a normal weight now, thankfully.
Toward the end of my chicken house-building, we had company, who I discovered had been using my toothbrush and razor. Being totally wiped out, I went to the dr and was afraid I had contacted HIV. It was a ligitimate concern, but it made me go pretty psycho. I didn't contract HIV thank god, but during that time I was sent to a pdoc by dr.
I just bought a book about managing bipolar, and it's opened the floodgates of memory and understanding of what's been happening with me for so long. I've been having hallucinations for so long, that I thought everyone had them. I have yet to talk about this to my pdoc. I see him on Monday.
Anway, I'm probably talking too much, so I'll go for now. Thanks for listening.
emily99
Posted by Dinah on October 4, 2007, at 18:06:51
In reply to New and my story, posted by emily99 on October 4, 2007, at 14:13:55
Posted by B2chica on October 5, 2007, at 8:42:04
In reply to Re: New and my story, posted by emily99 on October 4, 2007, at 16:54:48
Hi Emily99
thanks for clarifying.
if you are having hallucinations, my bet is they'll put you in BP1 category...but after several years of going back and forth with Dx. the specifics really don't matter as long as the medications helps the symptoms.
my journey to babble started with my (many Dx) but primarily BP2, however my hypomania usually turns dysphoric quickly.and even though i'm getting this new Dx more psychological than biological i still agree with old pdoc that i have major depression with manic tendencies...although i am MUCH better now with new Dx of know the different depressions (if biological or triggered) same with dysphoric issues. if it's biological it usually is consistant and lasts for a while. the dissociative issues come and go and are typically triggered by something.
ANYWAY...didn't mean to make this about me.
I'm glad to see you here.
and awwww....chickens! my grandparents used to have a farm and had hundreds of chickens...i have some really good memories from that place.
do you have lots or only a few?and if i can help with any questions about BP symptoms or anything just let me know...
Oh and one of my fav books that i read about bipolar is "An unquiet mind" by Kay Jamison....it was pretty easy to read and i just kept reading it and saying yep...that's me...yep...yep...and hopefully i did the double double quotes right and the book title should be blue and a link to that book.
anyway...have a good one.
ltr.
b2c.
Posted by emily99 on October 5, 2007, at 9:43:56
In reply to Re: New and my story » emily99, posted by B2chica on October 5, 2007, at 8:42:04
B2c,
It's so interesting to read the dx that the rest of you have had. It also makes me realize that I don't know much about my dx and where to go with it. I'm just beginning down that road of understanding and enlightenment. Hopefully my pdoc will spend a little more time with me next week. My appts are only 20 min. For so many years I've wondered what's "wrong" with me.
The hallucinations scare me. The last one was so real (the handsome guy walking in my bathroom). I've also heard my name being called and loud buzzing sounds. Then there's the bad smells and deformed faces when I look at people. Does anyone else out there have these, too??
I suspect that my problem is biological, since everyone in my family, except for my father and me, have Huntington's Disease. It's a biological brain disorder where the nerve endings die in the brain. Luckily I didn't get that, it's genetic, but now I have bipolar disorder. And I thought I had escaped.
I have 14 chickens and one turkey. Two of the chickens are called "Silkies", and they're just beautiful. Their feathers are more like fur, and they're very tame. My grandmother had chickens, and I remember how much she loved them. I really love mine, too.
I thought I had the book you mentioned, so I'd like to get it. The one I do have, is "Darkness Visible" by William Styron.
Talk to you soon... emily99
Posted by JoniS on October 5, 2007, at 10:51:45
In reply to New and my story, posted by emily99 on October 4, 2007, at 14:13:55
Welcome emily99,
Your story is quite overwhelming. I don't think I'd be sane if I had been through all that you have. (So that's a compliment to you! Strength & Stamina)
I hope Babble is very helpful to you as it has been to me.
Joni
Posted by B2chica on October 5, 2007, at 11:01:58
In reply to Hallucinations and chickens » B2chica, posted by emily99 on October 5, 2007, at 9:43:56
its interesting about diagnosis....i think everyone has to go through it their own way. people kept telling me not to focus on Dx but just symptoms...but my thinking was "i want to know undisputably what's wrong with me cuz then and only then can i Fix it"
well, after enough time and several...docs not wanting to say absolutely did i finally just say...ok. whatever, just lets find the meds to help.
my last pdoc (who was just the best) and current one think it's a combination of things...and 20 min is pretty darn good for pdoc. my very first pdoc (who s@cked) only took 5 min MAX with me...no wonder i ended up in the hospital...
and i'm sorry the hallucinations are so scary. i understand a little. i don't what to get into specifics right now. but i understand they can be very scary. but there are several meds that should help with them. have you started a med regimen?
Oh about your deformed faces...i don't get that...but at one time i would keep seeing people/things like puzzle pieces and kinda fuzzy. i think this might have been more of a dissociation thing though.
awwwwww i even like the name silkies..they sound wonderful.
i think people relate to different book. i'm sure there are several other people here that can recommend some of their fav books...theres actually a board here for that...
but i actually read darkness visible a few months ago. i think he is a great writer...but for me it seemed i'm not sure how to describe it...almost romanticized?? not quite sure i thats right word or not. but it was a nice account of what he went through.take care emily99
Posted by rskontos on October 5, 2007, at 12:32:15
In reply to Re: Hallucinations and chickens, posted by B2chica on October 5, 2007, at 11:01:58
Welcome Emily, my grandfather had chickens. and as a kid we kept trying to feed them, he told us they would blow up and of course being kids we thought of blow up like a blown up balloon and he meant just die. Well we singled one out and tried to "Blow it up." My grandmother found us after he locked up the feed shed with a padlock and we were down and out. We explained to her why we were sad, after she quit laughing which made us mad, she told us chicken don't blow up like that they just die. We said why didn't he just tell us that. We would have left them alone as we didn't want to see one just die we want to see it blow up maybe go into outer space. Funny how kids take adults literally and adults are so clueless..... anyway,
I am sooo sorry you have been through the wringer....many of us have. I have imagined things but not as scary as yours. You need a good T. As everyone says you are in a good place. I haven't been here long but I have opened up more than I ever have to anyone.....and it is helping me to open up to people in my life at home.....which is something i have never done.
I am at the beginning of my diagnosis phase too, good luck with the T search. Glad you are here. Let us know how you are and if you need anything just ask....
Posted by emily99 on October 5, 2007, at 14:27:43
In reply to Re: Hallucinations and chickens, posted by rskontos on October 5, 2007, at 12:32:15
rskontos, thank you for the welcome. I enjoyed your chicken story, how funny! I will remember that next time I feel like giving them extra corn as a treat.
I do hope I find a good T. I go to my pdoc on Monday, and I'll let you know what I find out. I am really ready to "do the work" now.
emily
Posted by rskontos on October 8, 2007, at 10:39:55
In reply to Re: Hallucinations and chickens » rskontos, posted by emily99 on October 5, 2007, at 14:27:43
Emily, you doing ok. rk
Posted by emily99 on October 8, 2007, at 10:56:49
In reply to Re: Hallucinations and chickens, posted by rskontos on October 8, 2007, at 10:39:55
RK, thank you for asking. Actually I just started crying when I was responding to a question about self-love. I'm not sure which nerve this is hitting, but I haven't cried in a very long time.
I am so anxious to see my pdoc today. I want to get started in therapy as soon as I can. I haven't had any more hallucinations, thankfully.
I'll let you know how things go with my pdoc.
Emily
Posted by rskontos on October 8, 2007, at 12:49:00
In reply to Re: Hallucinations and chickens » rskontos, posted by emily99 on October 8, 2007, at 10:56:49
Emily you are so welcome. Glad about no hallucinations. Nasty things. Who knows why we cry sometimes. Was it a good cry or bad? Let us know how T goes. Good luck hope it is good one. good or hard it is necessary. rk
Posted by RealMe on October 8, 2007, at 21:38:26
In reply to New and my story, posted by emily99 on October 4, 2007, at 14:13:55
Re diagnosis. I have had almost every diagnosis known to mankind and womankind, it seems. I was intially diagnosed as schizophrenic and then told no you are not schizoprhenic, you have borderline personality disorder.. That was at Menninger's at first, and maybe this was part of what was true. I was then diagosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, and lastly with avoidant traits after I left treatment at Menninger's. All along the way since going to Menninger's I was also diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, and when I left tx at Menninger's no more diagnosis of depression, just the avoidant traits, not even a personality disorder, and I was doing really well for 11 years. Since 2005 I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, and I don't know if my newer T thinks there is anything else there; I think at least chronic PTSD. So, while diagnosis may give some information, it really does not tell the whole story of a person's life.
My husband knows some too but not all in terms of the extent of abuse. I wonder if he would really want to know. I just don't want to tell him in case he might throw it up in my face when angry sometime.
RealMe
Posted by rskontos on October 8, 2007, at 22:17:32
In reply to Re: New and my story » emily99, posted by RealMe on October 8, 2007, at 21:38:26
I hear you about the throwing up in your face thing I am afraid of that too from my family.
Posted by emily99 on October 9, 2007, at 9:13:40
In reply to Re: New and my story, posted by rskontos on October 8, 2007, at 22:17:32
Hi, everyone. I went to my pdoc yesterday and told him everything -- about the hallucinations, missing blocks of time, and saying "Let's" to myself when doing things. He now thinks I may have a schizo element plus DD. PTSD is definitely there, too. He did question me if I really think I have bipolar disorder. That threw me somewhat and is causing a lot of self-examination. Paranoia, actually.
The really good news is that I start with a T TODAY! And she is local, so I don't have to drive an hour!
For me a dx is somewhat important, just for my sake to have an idea of what's been going on with me for so long. I too, am afraid to tell Patrick everything for fear he may throw it up at me. I did share part of my bipolar book with him to help me when I get into mood swings. He was so sweet and wanting to be helpful. The big thing for him, was that I admitted that I have a problem, instead of blaming him for everything. He DID cause my last episode where I should've gone to the hospital. At least he will take some ownership in that.
My chickens are my biggest source of happiness. I saw one of my big hens stand up to a rooster yesterday to keep him from constantly chasing my little hen. I loved hearing stories some of you have shared about chickens. I'd love to hear more.
I'll let you know how things go with my T. Her name is Debbie, and on the phone she had a very easy laugh. I can't remember the last time I laughed.
Emily
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