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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by TherapyGirl on July 11, 2007, at 17:34:03
I'm struggling with what to do in my session tomorrow night. This is the first one in two weeks -- since the nearly disastrous one when she didn't call me back for what I considered an emergency.
A friend of mine e-mailed me this to think about (she said something similar to me last week and I couldn't retain it, so asked her to e-mail it to me):
<<Re your T --oh boy, I'm not sure now what I said. I didn't save it. Maybe something like reversing your roles and asking HER what she'd like in a session or from you in general. . . something like that. In other words, you serving her . . . you trying to facilitate a response from her without having any expectations . . . and seeing if lowering the tension in a single session helps change the climate. I don't know if she'll accept the tactic, but I think it'd be interesting to try. It would have to be done calmly and seriously, with no apparent personal motive. I believe my thought was that, even though it may not be fair, if you take the lead in a change--it might pay off if the relationship is important enough to maintain.>>
I'd love to hear what you all think about this. I know there are likely some boundary issues in trying to do the above, but I'm wondering if you can help me come up with some way that won't slam into boundaries but might help us get past this yucky place.
Thanks.
Posted by Maria01 on July 11, 2007, at 20:29:53
In reply to Opinions and advice, please..., posted by TherapyGirl on July 11, 2007, at 17:34:03
It's worth a try. After addressing the non-returned phone call, just try the tactic your friend discussed, using your own words. I had to do that with my ex-T a lot. There were days when she was just so snotty with me it became unbearable. I would just look at her and say "You seem really frustrated right now. Time for a round of cards-on-the-table." Worked like a charm each time, and looking back, the problem was hers, not mine.
it depends on how you feel about authority in general.....I'm not intimidated by authority, so it wasn't hard for me for gently confront my T. You know your T best; you will need to do what is best for you in the end. If anything, if she rejects your comments, it will say a lot about her and will give you additional food for thought, IMO.
Either way, good luck to you and let us know how it goes...
Posted by TherapyGirl on July 12, 2007, at 15:58:29
In reply to Re: Opinions and advice, please..., posted by Maria01 on July 11, 2007, at 20:29:53
Thanks, Maria. I'm going to try it tonight and see where I get.
Posted by TherapyGirl on July 12, 2007, at 19:08:12
In reply to Opinions and advice, please..., posted by TherapyGirl on July 11, 2007, at 17:34:03
I think this was the best session we've had since April. Not perfect and the connection is not restored by any means, but I did feel glimmers of it tonight. And she was more on the ball with me than she has been in a long time.
I think she finally gets the gynecological triggers in full. We even talked about my potential hysterectomy and I told her my big block to that is the fear of more intolerable pelvic exams before the surgery. She suggested medication, which I agree with (as several of you also suggested), but I told her the doctors have mostly acted like I'm a big baby and wimp and think there is no reason for it to be so painful and that they shouldn't offer anything. She said she would write a letter saying whatever she needed to say to ensure that I got some kind of medication before the next exam and she said she could do it in good conscience. Of course, that's because her conscience thinks she's seeing the shell around my possible csa cracking. Sometimes I agree with her, sometimes I talk myself out of it. But I asked my primary care doc yesterday about other possible reasons for the extreme pain and she agreed with everybody else that she wasn't seeing anything in the reports that would explain that.
My T feels like she's on her way back to me and I feel hopeful about our relationship for the first time in months. The first weekend of her vacation, I left her a voice mail for after the vacation where I said that it felt like she wasn't seeing my 3-year-old anymore and that was upsetting because she's the only person who's ever acknowledged her. I reminded her that while I am dealing with most situations with my adult self, the 3-year-old is the one who has to be dealt with around issues of safety and all things gynecological. She brought it up tonight and actually admitted that she had been more recently focused on the adult me because I've been doing so well, which is generally true. But she seemed genuinely pleased to have the information from me reminding her of my 3-year-old's needs.
And we met inside for the first time in at least a month because I was having a migraine when I got there and couldn't take the light or the heat outside. That was okay, too.
So thanks to all of you who have hung in there with me. It's feeling a bunch better right now. I hope it continues.
Posted by Dinah on July 12, 2007, at 20:37:21
In reply to Re: Therapy went pretty well *slight trigger*, posted by TherapyGirl on July 12, 2007, at 19:08:12
I'm so glad. Even in generally good long term therapy, there are inevitably times of misattunement. Learning that things will get better again is a part of long term therapy I think.
I hope things continue to go well.
Posted by TherapyGirl on July 13, 2007, at 6:38:15
In reply to Re: Therapy went pretty well *slight trigger* » TherapyGirl, posted by Dinah on July 12, 2007, at 20:37:21
Thanks, Dinah. You are right, of course, and this is a lesson I've learned more than once, but somehow it's hard to hang on to in the midst of the turmoil.
Posted by Honore on July 13, 2007, at 8:13:38
In reply to Re: Therapy went pretty well *slight trigger* » Dinah, posted by TherapyGirl on July 13, 2007, at 6:38:15
It's great that you were able to handle it from a place that she could respond to-- and also that that helped her to see the other aspects of the situation that she'd been resisting herself.
It's a first step-- and I hope greatly that you and she can continue to revive the old relationship-- it's inevitable that it will come back, if you wait long enough-- and can keep touch with it. Which could be a learning-- and strengthening-- of your own inner sense of it as an ongoing and permanent part of you. Which would be so terrific, too.
Sometimes when T's go through crises and can't respond, it does cause a serious break in the relationship-- and it depends on where the person is-- and the relationship is-- if it (and they) can weather that disruption and refind one another.
It reminds me of a babbler whose T had been very sick-- and who was having such an awful time keeping in touch with the good feelings. I really wonder how she is, and whether she was able to get through to her T with-- and give herself permission to feel-- some of the bad --angry, deprived--feelings about the relationship. And whether they got past it.
But I'm so glad that you and your T seem to be getting into a much better place. You must have really done some inner work on your own for that to have happened.
Honore
Posted by TherapyGirl on July 13, 2007, at 20:52:19
In reply to Re: Therapy went pretty well *slight trigger*, posted by Honore on July 13, 2007, at 8:13:38
Thanks, Honore. What you've said is so true -- if I can just keep it in my head when we hit these bumps. I have to say there have been only two times in 22 years when I felt like she really wasn't with me. Unfortunately, the other time was during my major, major depression -- the year I was hospitalized twice.
I did try to do some work on myself, mostly around the anger. I think I've been presenting as so angry that she either couldn't see or found it easy to ignore the hurt parts. So last night I was much softer in my approach. I also think the week's break from each other did a lot of good. I think before last night we were getting pretty entrenched in our positions.
Thanks for the support and for understanding how difficult this has been.
This is the end of the thread.
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