![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 26. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ElaineM on May 8, 2007, at 14:04:41
I know I've been absent, and I'm sorry -- I had to take care of me seperate. And I'm sorry to turn to you all out of no where.
But I'm so upset today I can't stand :"( I just [as in, 10 minutes ago] got an email from LadyT saying....oh god, i can't even type it.....That she's stopping all emails. That it makes her uncomfortable now. Uncomfortable?!:"( I make her uncomfortable :( That she can't speak to me anymore without including my T now in everything..... :""( So if I want to see her for our last in-person, six-month check in, that I'd have to agree allow her full disclosure beforehand.....I'm gonna barf....
That means, her telling my T things that I CAN'T share with him. If I talk to her again, she'll tell him about this "male T" I have an "odd" relationship with. Which CAN'T happen!! I'd never ever allow that to happen. That would be the end of me! :"(
But also, that she'd tell him about the assault in Dec. I TOLD HER SPECIFICALLY that I was only trusting her with that. THat that's all I could deal with. HER alone!!! Now she'd go back on that promise that she made. She said I could trust her then -- could safely tell her about the antithesis of trust that I had to go through. I feel like being forced to tell would almost equally as humiliating. I hate myself.I can't take this. I don't know what I did to make this change come about. ???!?! I sent a small "I need to make sure you're still alive" email, just to check in and feel comfortable, yesterday -- but it'd been nearly two months since the last time I emailed her before that. What did I do? WHy does she want to throw me away too. I knew she'd come to hate me like everyone else. I've lost her now. I almost threwup all over the keyboard when reading it. And I feel like my temples are gonna burst off my face - head killing. :""( I feel like the most disgusting person in the world.
Then she ended it with, "I hope you understand". :"( Ten sentences ending our communication - I DON'T understand at all. Oh god. What am I going to do without her. I have no women in my life to talk to now. And no one else who knows any of the things I've been going through. First LadyDoc and now LadyT! :""( I don't know what to do. I'm never gonna be able to stop crying.
El
Posted by Racer on May 8, 2007, at 15:28:33
In reply to Crying. Help me., posted by ElaineM on May 8, 2007, at 14:04:41
Elaine, honey, I only have a second here, so I can't say all that I wish I could. Here's a brief preview of what I would say, though, and please feel free to babblemail me if you'd like. I'll have more time later.
> I know I've been absent, and I'm sorry -- I had to take care of me seperate. And I'm sorry to turn to you all out of no where.
And? That's got nothing to do with anything. You're one of us, with full rights. If you show up once in a while needing support, there's support here. If you have support to share, you share it. No one is keeping score.
Besides, I know you. When you are here, no matter how bad off you are, you always do manage to offer support to others.
> But also, that she'd tell him about the assault in Dec. I TOLD HER SPECIFICALLY that I was only trusting her with that. THat that's all I could deal with. HER alone!!! Now she'd go back on that promise that she made. She said I could trust her then -- could safely tell her about the antithesis of trust that I had to go through.THAT is a betrayal of trust. I think it's worth telling her, in a return email, how you feel about this. Not the part about throwing up, but the part that is clear as crystal: "I told you specifically that the assault was something I was only comfortable sharing with you, another woman, and that I was not willing to discuss it with my male T. You agreed to that, at least implicitly. That you now say you would tell my male T seems like a betrayal to me." Let her try to explain how it isn't.
And ask her what it is about the email communication that makes her so uncomfortable? There are some legitimate liability issues, but if it's not that, then I'd be, shall we say, curious about that.
>
> I can't take this. I don't know what I did to make this change come about. ???!?! What did I do? WHy does she want to throw me away too. I knew she'd come to hate me like everyone else.Uh... Elaine? {smack} You do know better, I know you do.
You didn't do anything. You have a lot more power than I think you know, but you don't have the power to make anyone else do anything. Did something happen? Probably. Did you do something to show her that you were so [fill in the blank] that she should discard you? No. First, because you're many things, but you're not some sort of awful creature who deserves this sort of thing. I don't know what's going on, but whatever it is it's not something you did.
> Then she ended it with, "I hope you understand". :"( Ten sentences ending our communication - I DON'T understand at all.
OK, so tell her that. "No, I don't understand. I told you my boundaries, including that I wasn't comfortable discussing much of this with my male T. It seems as though you have changed the rules, and I don't understand that. Please clarify."
And Elaine? All that I've said comes because I care about you. (In fact, I was thinking the other day of finding one of your old posts so I could babblemail you, to see how you were doing.) The one thing I would say is that you probably do have some behavior patterns that make it possible for this sort of thing to happen. I know I have situational and behavioral patterns that make me more vulnerable to certain sorts of things. Usually things that recreate the sort of trauma that made me nuts in the first place, in my case. It's worth exploring those patterns, to see if there's something you can do differently, but then again -- that's what a GOOD T would help you with. Even just a Good Enough T.
I'm so sorry, and I wish I could just wrap you up in a big blanket, and protect you from all the [you know what] that's come your way in the past year or so. I wish I could do more than type words to you on a computer. I hope that knowing I care helps, because I do.
All my best to you.
Posted by wishingstar on May 8, 2007, at 16:39:19
In reply to Re: Crying. Help me. » ElaineM, posted by Racer on May 8, 2007, at 15:28:33
Oh Elaine... I'm so sorry.
((((((((Elaine))))))) safe hugs, but only if you want them.
I've been thinking about you over the last few weeks and wondering how you were doing. I'm so sorry to hear about this new problem with your ladyT. I really do hurt for you.. having been in similar situations myself, I know how absolutely get wrenching it feels. Like you'll never be able to pull yourself together again. Like it's just over. The pain is incredible, I'm sure.
I want to second racer's suggestion of emailing her back and saying "no, I dont understand. I thought we had an understanding, and this is very hurtful. please clarify". etc. It sounds like she has been a good T for you in the past and I hope she is able to handle this new situation better than she has so far for you.
I would guess very strongly that this isnt because of anything you did or didnt do. I really dont think it's about you personally at all, although I know that fact doesnt make it feel any better. I think she has probably started to worry about boundaries and professionalism and who knows what else, maybe triggered by something in her own life or something that happened with another client. You havent done anything wrong. I hope you can email her back and let her know how bad this feels so she has a chance to explain in more detail. You deserve at least that.
I know I'm not as good with words as some people on here are, but I'm really thinking of you and sending you all the good vibes I can. Feel free to babblemail me ANYtime, even if it's just to vent. Hang in there Elaine. I know it doesnt feel like it, but it will be ok. You'll be okay.
Posted by Honore on May 8, 2007, at 16:48:05
In reply to Crying. Help me., posted by ElaineM on May 8, 2007, at 14:04:41
Hi, Elaine.
I wanted to affirm Racer's post that you're one of us and you never have to apologize or feel bad about not posting for a while-- or about posting when you feel terrible and are asking for help.
There's a lot of strength here and we get that strength from you whenever you're here, even if you're feeling awful. Just the fact that you trust us a little, and believe that people here have something to offer. I know that's one of the most important contributions anyone can make-- that you're here, and that you reach out, over distance to let someone some small difference in how alone you feel-- and in doing that, do the same for each of us. Maybe you don't know that you do that.
I don't understand what happened with your Lady T-- there must be something, quite possibly not anything that you did-- but something-- that altered how comfortable she feels-- But whatever it is, it's not your fault. You did nothing wrong.
You're doing the best you can, under extremely difficult circumstances, to keep going, and do the right thing with your T and others, and to get through this hard time. No one can do more than that-- even if sometimes it feels that it isn't enough. It is.
I also agree with Racer's idea that you should write back to the Lady T and ask straight out, that she explain what has caused the change in her, and also that she promised you confidentiality, and that promise is not something she has the right to take back. A promise is a promise-- you confided in her many things, on the belief that her word meant something-- and she has no right to betray your trust-- and her promise-- now.
I'm sorry this came out of the blue and is so hurtful.
But maybe if you let her know that that promise was like an unbreakable contract-- something you can't change after the fact-- she'll come to realize that it's too important and must stand.
And maybe if you understand what her thought process if here, you'll realize that it isn't you-- and that she's not discarding you, but trying, perhaps not in a helpful way, to protect you in some way that you don't now understand.
Honore
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 8, 2007, at 19:32:39
In reply to Re: Crying. Help me. » ElaineM, posted by Racer on May 8, 2007, at 15:28:33
I agree with everything except smacking my friend. I hope that's okay with you Racer. Can't stand the idea of Elaine getting smacked, any more than I could stand the thought of being smacked myself
> Uh... Elaine? {smack} You do know better, I know you do.Elaine, if you're reading this, please empower yourself and remind ladypdoc that what you told her is personal and give her a specific reminder of what she may and may not disclose. I believe you are in your rights to do that. Send a letter to her office if your e-mail gets bounced back to you.
I think you will feel stronger if you take this matter up with her.
You must be grieving the loss of her help and support. She has been such a positive influence on you, and I hope you can find someone else to replace her. I've been out of touch with you, but I am very very sorry to hear that you were assaulted. I don't know what the circumstances were, or anything. I just want you to know that you deserve only the best.
You've been showing tremendous courage, which no doubt comes from having to take care of yourself for so long. But maybe you're also stuck in certain ruts. You don't have to give up your courage or any of your other wonderful qualities when you give up the part of your self-identity that is holding you back in life. Really. You are good enough, you don't need to be bad or feel bad just to prove that you're alive.
and to Racer- sorry for grammatical mistakes. above. and here two.
-Ll
Posted by ElaineM on May 8, 2007, at 19:53:18
In reply to Re: Crying. Help me. » ElaineM, posted by Racer on May 8, 2007, at 15:28:33
okay, i'm not gonna write her back today. can't stop crying. took three ativan right after i posted original and so now I still feel a bit like a zombie underwater. It's good. May take another for bed. But I still start crying again out of nowhere when I remember reading the email :( Oh man, it's coming again.
Later when I can be normal i need to figure out what to say back. I'm just scared because even if she hasn't blocked me, that she'll just ignore it and not respond to my questions. I need to know if the secrets promised, means forever. She just can't can't can't tell those things to him.
thanks for talking to me you all. I didn't think anyone would say anything. i'll come back tomorrow when more clear.
blove El(((babblers))) & :') to Racer
Posted by muffled on May 8, 2007, at 23:29:22
In reply to Crying. Help me., posted by ElaineM on May 8, 2007, at 14:04:41
Sorry (((El)))
Thats gotta be a shock.
I wonder if the thing she is trying to get at...is to actually make some positive strides in helping you reclaim your life. I am inclined to think that she really wants to help you, but can't...
I would think from her POV, she feels quite lost, cuz all she ever knows is parts of your life. To be an effective T she needs the whole picture. And T's are supposed to back off if they think they can't help the client. And maybe she feels she can't help you because she knows your holding stuff back.
I think it would be important if you could tell her that you are very afraid, that you are confused by her actions, that you are hurt by them, that you desprately need help, but you dunno if you can trust her, and she's not that available, could she be? WOULD she stick by you if you were straight with her????? etc.
El, I think you really need to come clean bout everything to one T, and maybe this T is the one. She has stuck by you this far, and seems to care enough to try and push you take make a desicion that truly, you do need to make.....
Maybe this is the time, this is it.
I would just make it very clear to her what your boundaries are. Also make sure SHE makes it very clear as to what her boundaries are, and would she be very avail to you?
I hope you can finally break free and let yourself share your burden with an outside T, ALL your burden, you've been carrying it long enough.
Take special care El.
Muffled
Posted by Scentedgarden on May 9, 2007, at 1:06:09
In reply to Re: Crying. Help me. » ElaineM, posted by muffled on May 8, 2007, at 23:29:22
Posted by gazo on May 9, 2007, at 8:56:50
In reply to out of it, posted by ElaineM on May 8, 2007, at 19:53:18
i am so sorry... for your problems now, for your assault and for not knowing you. (((elaine)))
i think the suggestions made are good ones.. but can i suggest something else?
can you at least tell the male T that there were things you confided in the female T that you just cannot talk about with him, not yet and maybe not ever? Can you tell him it is just not in your abilities? Ask him to communicate with the female T that she not disclose things you had agreed not to?
my T has told me that any communications from others that i don't want him to read he will just shred instantly. Maybe your male T will respect your wishes to not have certain topics be part of your relationship right now. Surely he would know how to handle that. He might then have some idea what the issues might involve but i am sure he would respect your boundaries about that.
just a thought..
much love and peace
Posted by ElaineM on May 9, 2007, at 20:59:01
In reply to Re: Crying. Help me. » ElaineM, posted by Racer on May 8, 2007, at 15:28:33
Racer, it's nice to hear from you again.
>>>>>THAT is a betrayal of trust. I think it's worth telling her, in a return email, how you feel about this.
That's what it would feel like. I was sick all last night, could feel my stomach in my throat, and if I opened my mouth I just started bawling. If she did that I'd be beyond heart-broken. Shattered. I don't think I'd ever ever trust another human again. Why did this have to come from her?! She was so important to me :'(
I did write her an email. I was so worried about what I said in it, incase it pissed her off, or was too emotional, or I don't know what else. I don't even want to re-read it now cause I'll pick it apart and make myself even worse than I am now.
>>>>And ask her what it is about the email communication that makes her so uncomfortable?
I did ask her that. And I apoligized for anything I did to make this 180 happen. I wish I could turn back time. I don't think I would've told her the horribleness.
>>>>OK, so tell her that. "No, I don't understand. I told you my boundaries, including that I wasn't comfortable discussing much of this with my male T. It seems as though you have changed the rules, and I don't understand that. Please clarify."
I basically said what you said to. I even called the email "clarify please". [thank you for helping me with this]
>>>>>The one thing I would say is that you probably do have some behavior patterns that make it possible for this sort of thing to happen. I know I have situational and behavioral patterns that make me more vulnerable to certain sorts of things.
I guess I need to try and figure that out. I've really been trying to think about it. I've read the prior email I sent her two months ago over and over to see if it has clues. I just don't know.
Knowing you care does help. It really does. LadyT was the only female I had to talk to :( I'm grateful for your help. I don't know how to absorb any more pain right now.
blove, El
Posted by ElaineM on May 9, 2007, at 21:36:41
In reply to Re: Crying. Help me., posted by wishingstar on May 8, 2007, at 16:39:19
>>>>>>>I would guess very strongly that this isnt because of anything you did or didnt do. I really dont think it's about you personally
I'm not sure. THat's what I really want to figure out. I'm hoping that if she responds then I'll get some clues. I can't see what else could cause this complete reversal, except something in my last email.
>>>>>I think she has probably started to worry about boundaries and professionalism and who knows what else
I don't know. She's always said it's alright for you to email me. And sometimes she's been the one to make contact if we've been quiet for awhile. Nothing intense - just little feelers like "How're you doing?""haven't heard from you in awhile"...stuff like that. I so completely lost and confused with this.
Thanks for the vibes
blove El
Posted by ElaineM on May 9, 2007, at 21:49:01
In reply to Re: Crying. Help me., posted by Honore on May 8, 2007, at 16:48:05
Thanks Honore
>>>>>And maybe if you understand what her thought process if here, you'll realize that it isn't you-- and that she's not discarding you, but trying, perhaps not in a helpful way, to protect you in some way that you don't now understand.
I'd love to think that. I'm just terrified right now. Ativan like crazy. I'm scared my whole world is gonna implode [that I'm gonna be humiliated, and have my T destroyed in one motion], and I'm scared the stress is gonna effect my health.
The idea of her discarding me feels like I'm being stabbed in the heart. It hits so hard on two of my biggest/most sensitive issues: that I repell everyone, and that everyone I feel safe with leaves or dies. Losing her makes me feel more alone than I have since first falling into my ED. [I didn't even think about her this much when we would'nt speak for a long time. But knowing she was out there and open made me stronger - without having to even speak with her often]I hope she tells me more than a few sentences. I need to understand this.
blove El
Posted by Racer on May 9, 2007, at 21:50:44
In reply to I replied » Racer, posted by ElaineM on May 9, 2007, at 20:59:01
>
> I guess I need to try and figure that out. I've really been trying to think about it. I've read the prior email I sent her two months ago over and over to see if it has clues. I just don't know.Be careful, though, my friend with the anorexic brain. In a similar situation, I would do the same thing -- but in my case, it would be OCD behavior, and not especially helpful to me. I worry that you might be vulnerable to that sort of thing, too...
And anyway, you probably won't find anything in it. My guess is that the turn around has to do with something else in the circumstance that you probably won't know about. Here's the thing: she could have been to a workshop or seminar that triggered her to thinking about the email communications; she could have consulted another T about something that brought email communication up; or she could have had some consultation that involved keeping some things confidential from another treating T. It could have nothing to do with your email.
My new pdoc had me sign a specific consent form in order to communicate via email, and when I told my T about that, she said she'd never thought of it, but it was an issue. I know she did some research about it, too, to see if she needed any sort of specific release -- AND she no longer responds to emails, although she will discuss them in session. It is possible that your situation has something like that going on.
As for the other part, the part about full disclosure with your male T, that may be specfic to you, and it may be generalized in that she's worried about liability because of something that's come up recently. I don't think there's any way to find out, except to hope she'll be honest with you. I hope she responds, and I hope she does explain.
>
> Knowing you care does help. It really does. LadyT was the only female I had to talk to :( I'm grateful for your help.De nada. I like you, and hope I can offer something useful.
Good luck, and I hope things go well for you.
Posted by ElaineM on May 9, 2007, at 21:57:36
In reply to Re: Crying. Help me. » Racer, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 8, 2007, at 19:32:39
>>>>Send a letter to her office if your e-mail gets bounced back to you.
I was worried about that. Would it actually get returned to my inbox if she blocked me or something? I sent it this afternoon and it hasn't shown up, so does that mean she at least has it?
I'm worried things won't happen fast enough. Her message didn't mention any timeline or anything, and I worry that she'll just go ahead and call my T (which would be horrible, I can't imagine that conversation) :""(
>>>>I've been out of touch with you, but I am very very sorry to hear that...
I think I messed up. I'm not sure I've ever mentioned that on the board here. Maybe I did - I can't remember. I don't think so. I was freaking last night and my brain wasn't working. I shouldn't have said it. I don't think I'm gonna mention it anymore on here. It's gone from my head (until LadyT's email made it come back to the front)
I'm nervous for if a reply comes. And when it will come. If ever.
(((LL))
blove El
Posted by ElaineM on May 9, 2007, at 22:15:27
In reply to Re: Crying. Help me. » ElaineM, posted by muffled on May 8, 2007, at 23:29:22
>>>>I would think from her POV, she feels quite lost, cuz all she ever knows is parts of your life. To be an effective T she needs the whole picture.
When I write the longer emails, they are more of a "stream of consciousness" type thing. Though she did tell me to write her if it was helping me "process".
>>>>And T's are supposed to back off if they think they can't help the client. And maybe she feels she can't help you because she knows your holding stuff back.
That makes sense. I guess there's nothing she can really do to help me. Though her listening was helpful to me.
>>>>I think it would be important if you could tell her that you are very afraid, that you are confused by her actions, that you are hurt by them, that you desprately need help,
I did tell her that -- made sure it was in my reply.
>>>>but you dunno if you can trust her, and she's not that available, could she be?
I already know that she can't ever be my regular T again. But having the trust I had in her (that took me so long to let build) destroyed would ruin my faith in everyone from now on. Why did it have to be her?!
>>>>> El, I think you really need to come clean bout everything to one T, and maybe this T is the one.
I couldn't -- she seems like an alien to me now. Though to be fair, I wouldn't have before either. I'm alright with how that situation is now anyways.
Thanks Muffly.
blove El
Posted by ElaineM on May 9, 2007, at 22:26:41
In reply to Re: out of it » ElaineM, posted by gazo on May 9, 2007, at 8:56:50
thanks for the support gazo. You're right, I don't know you -- I've been rather absent lately.
>>>>can you at least tell the male T that there were things you confided in the female T that you just cannot talk about with him, not yet and maybe not ever? Can you tell him it is just not in your abilities?
It's amazing that you said this, I was thinking the exact same thing on the way to my session today. Was feeling pretty desperate. I'm worried I'd hurt his feelings by saying that she's heard "heart stuff" that I've chosen not to tell him. I think it may be worth it though -- give him a small heads-up, or sorts. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow. I'm scared.
>>>>my T has told me that any communications from others that i don't want him to read he will just shred instantly. Maybe your male T will respect your wishes to not have certain topics be part of your relationship right now. Surely he would know how to handle that.
I'd love to trust him to do that, though I think it would take a saint to not even scan something. Plus it'd be a big risk -- if he wasn't honorable, he could end up reading about himself. And that would be the beginning of the end. Complete disaster. Especially since things have been going so well between us lately -- so productive.
nice to meet you.
blove [babble kinda love] El
Posted by wishingstar on May 10, 2007, at 9:26:28
In reply to Re: Crying. Help me. » wishingstar, posted by ElaineM on May 9, 2007, at 21:36:41
Good for you for emailing her back. I know it's hard but Im glad you did. I hope she can say something that will make this all feel a little bit better.
I have a similar relationship (emails, etc) with my old T Laurie. She doesnt always respond, but its always okay to email her. I do every few weeks. A few months ago, she emailed me and said she needed to take a step back and be less involved, etc etc. My initial reaction was to be very hurt. BUT, she added in a bit about why. Had she not done so, I would have definitely felt like it was me/something I'd done, but she didnt give me the chance to feel that way much. She said it was because she was having a hard time letting go and was feeling like she needed to "keep an eye on me", even though I wasnt her client anymore.. so she had to back off for her own boundaries and sanity. She said it wasnt anything I did wrong.
I guess I just share that as an example of it happening and it truly not being your "fault" or anything you did. I hope that she is able to respond to you with a good explanation like Laurie did. But good job in asking for that clarification! You're really hurting and it took strength to do that. I'm proud of you.
Posted by ElaineM on May 10, 2007, at 10:21:50
In reply to Re: Crying. Help me. » ElaineM, posted by wishingstar on May 10, 2007, at 9:26:28
>>>>>I have a similar relationship (emails, etc) with my old T Laurie. She doesnt always respond, but its always okay to email her.
That's kinda like how I was with LadyT.[i won't go into it, but the context was complicated -- the way she's treated me, up until now, is not unique to me]
What is it like with Laurie now? Still email? Did you have guidelines in place about how the emails would be? Did she loosen her resolve to disengage somewhat since the time she said she had to "step back"?
What did Ginny think of you still having contact with her? Did/do the two of them communicate seperately with eachother - if so, did/does that bother you? I know you've seen Laurie a few times since Ginny started, did you pay a fee for that? Do you know if Laurie has a form of contact with any other of her patients as well?
Sorry so many questions. I'm really really confused about what's happened here.
Anyone else still have contact with a former T? How does that go?
blove El
Posted by Dinah on May 10, 2007, at 10:33:41
In reply to Re: out of it » gazo, posted by ElaineM on May 9, 2007, at 22:26:41
I feel out of it myself.
I must have missed a few posts.
Are you still seeing the therpaist with poor boundaries? Is male T a different therapist? Are you seeing two T's at once? Do they know it? Do you pay for Lady T's services?
I think I'm too confused to say anything helpful.
Posted by gazo on May 10, 2007, at 10:47:58
In reply to Re: out of it » gazo, posted by ElaineM on May 9, 2007, at 22:26:41
if things are going well and are productive... then it is at least worth exploring.. try a hypothetical approach. example "if i was upset with you and told a friend, and then it got back to you...how would you feel and what would you do? would you even read it if i asked you not to?"
try talking about trusting him to respect your wishes on these things... that way it's indirect and might help build your trust in him.
i think if you were ok with the responses from above you could simply say that you were able to tell this other T things that you aren't ready to tell him and that it would hurt you and affect your trust in him if he were to read it.
i don't think any good T would be hurt by that at all... it's a perfectly reasonable request.
another thought. Ask him to only allow written or email communication from the old T... then allow you to read it yourself first... then decide which parts you are ready to share with him.
Just because ladyT wants to tell him doesn't mean you and him have to listen right?
in writing..not even email.. paper writing tell her briefly and directly that disclosure may only be given to the new T via written (paper) communication. She cannot legally go against your wishes and you have a right to know what she would say.
the whole thing can really be an opportunity to work on trusting your new T without getting too much into the "other" stuff. Talk about your feelings about trust and sharing. Talk about how this thing with the old T feels.
I still think you should do that part regardless... but have considered just not having that last session with her? I mean, i *know* myself that would be hard.. but isn't this whole mess hard anyway? Don't you thnk you have the right to be angry? We tend to be so hurt (guilty here too) but she is not doing you justice and she has all the power... take it back from her.
i know that is next to impossible.. i really do. But damn, i wish you could. It would be reasonable for sure. Why does she think she has the right to retraumatize you? Just makes me mad...
i feel a little betrayed my my old T.. the one i was so attached to... wanted him so much... still do i guess.. but i have some anger now and it is very freeing.
that said.. i think you should talk to your t about the pain of this and the issue of building trust and not being ready to share yet... you don't even have to talk aboit this situation yet. You can *try* to let her sit on it. Deal with it on *your* time and terms.
Betrayal is a terrible thing. Please try to hold on and be good to yourself... don't let someone have all the power.
much love and peace
Posted by philyra on May 10, 2007, at 12:49:33
In reply to contact with former Ts? - FOR ALL, and » wishingstar, posted by ElaineM on May 10, 2007, at 10:21:50
> Anyone else still have contact with a former T? How does that go?ElaineM,
i was glad to see your posts - i haven't been on the boards much but have also been wondering how you are...i'm so sorry that this is happening to you.
i had a very intense, very powerful & productive relationship w/ my first therapist which had to end prematurely for other reasons. i reconnected with her a few years later because i had missed her so terribly over the years and we had a scary, incredibly intense, beautiful couple of meetings. i asked her if i could see her again and she said no with tears in her eyes (i was crying too), that it would be too hard to let go of me again. she's pretty boundaried, so this was an unusually intimate thing to say, and it was hard to hear, but over time i came to accept it as something that she needed. to be honest, i don't know if i'll ever feel like i got total closure with her because of the path of my depression and having to terminate early etc., but i'm mostly okay with not having contact with her. at the time i was working with a new therapist too, who i worked with for 9 years and with whom i could process all of this. anyway, i don't knwo if this is helpful since it's a different situation and i dont' think i depended on T #1 in the same way that you do, but i do feel like she's the kind of ally i might never have again in the same way. i wish you could talk to your main T about this...i definitely felt some of the same things it sounds like you're feeling, like i lose everyone who really cares. for me too i often felt like oh, i can't sustain a relationship, i don't know how.
anyway i'm thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way.
take care,
philyra
Posted by philyra on May 10, 2007, at 15:23:21
In reply to contact with former Ts? - FOR ALL, and » wishingstar, posted by ElaineM on May 10, 2007, at 10:21:50
E, i'm sorry if my post was so way off base, my story's so different from what you're going through right now that i feel kind of dumb for posting it. i just re-read some of your messages and i just wish i could help in some way. what you're going through sounds so painful.
i do think you deserve support around this so i hope you can take it in...
take care
philyra
Posted by ElaineM on May 11, 2007, at 19:57:13
In reply to p.s. » ElaineM, posted by philyra on May 10, 2007, at 15:23:21
No, I wanted to hear your story. The situation didn't have to be the same, only the subject. Thanks for telling.
It sounds dumb but I'm used to pain. Though for over the past year I've been used to hurting more *physically*. And throughout my life I've always expected to be hurt by people I already was afraid of (or Randoms). But I think I'd forgotten (in a way) what it feels like to have someone you cared for and trusted be the source of emotional hurt :( It's so crushing to me I almost don't have words for it.
Philyra, you always feel supportive to me :)
blove El
Posted by ElaineM on May 11, 2007, at 20:06:10
In reply to Re: out of it » ElaineM, posted by Dinah on May 10, 2007, at 10:33:41
Don't worry Dinah, it *is* confusing. [especially for newer posters] (((gazo)))
But the situation is the same as before.
Still have same T.I just have lost all energy to re-summarize my old situation. (Plus, I'm embarrassed of it anyways. I don't want it in a thread staring back at me now.)
I appreciated your underlying message gazo -- I did try and stand up for myself.
blove el
Posted by ElaineM on May 11, 2007, at 20:20:31
In reply to p.s. » ElaineM, posted by philyra on May 10, 2007, at 15:23:21
I told my T about the email I got from LadyT severing communications. It was so hard trying to explain to him why she said she did (or why I thought she did). Alot of dancing around details (obviously) - I felt like such a deceptive a$$hole. Especially cause he was soooo sympathetic. I'm really terrible. I don't have the energy or the heart to write about it tonight - maybe tomorrow.
Then I got a reply from LadyT. About 8 sentences, again. (which I can't talk about tonight either) And that was that. Done, until I see her in person once more this summer. I feel so stupid for telling her the worst of me and my life. I wish I could take it all back. If she can do a complete reversal like this, then I may as well have told a stranger on the street instead. That's what it feels like right now. She said she'd be there for me. I'm so embarrassed.
I miss who she was to me :"(Thanks to everyone who replied - I'll update soon-ish. ((((you guys)))
blove El
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