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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on April 24, 2007, at 21:29:49
Thank you everyone for all your support and for asking how I'm doing. I'm starting a new thread because the other one has gotten so long and sort of lost in the page now...
As caraher said, I'm back from the hospital. I actually got out Fri evening. Sorry for not posting until now. I liked this hospital a lot better than the other one I've been to. The doctor changed my meds, but they ended up being too expensive so I saw my pdoc again on Monday and she changed them again. I'm taking nortryptlin now. We'll see.
Overall, I'm feeling a lot better than I was a week ago. Calmer. Still hurting and having bad feelings some but they dont feel so overwhelming and oppressive. I was bored out of my mind a lot there, but I think the boredom was actually good - it forces my mind to slow down and stop spinning a bit.
My T came and saw me when I was in the hospital. It was so weird to see her out of context like that. I was laying in bed in pajamas when she walked in! But it was really nice to see her. I think it was a big step for rebuilding that connection we've lost recently. She also called me at home to check on me on Saturday and again today (Tuesday). Very sweet of her.
I had a really great case manager while I was in the hospital. As caraher mentioned, she found this program that I think will be really good for me. Its DBT-inspired (not traditional DBT exactly though) and all group work.. which means I can still see Ginny while I'm in it. The first few weeks you go 3 days a week for 3 hours at a time and learn all the DBT skills. Then after those few weeks, it switches to just one hour a week (also group). My insurance doesnt cover it, but they said they can probably work something out for me. My intake appt is on Friday so we'll see. I think having more frequent contact will help me a lot.
I also went on a date on Sunday! Unbelievable, huh? I isolate a LOT so its very unusual for me. I told my T on the phone and she was blown away. The guy is 5 years older and oddly enough, someone I met last time I was in the hospital (in March). It went really well. I'm sure I'll see him again later this week. There's the possibility that it's not the healthiest thing for me to be doing right now and Ginny said we'll talk on Thursday (dum dum dum) but it's still really neat.
Laurie, old T from out of town, also emailed me and told me that it's okay to email her if I just need to vent, or have someone hear my feelings, etc etc. She said she'll worry about responding and keeping the boundaries clear so I dont need to stress over that. How nice is that? I miss her. I wont do it frequently but it's nice to know she's okay with it.
Thanks everyone for all your support here recently. I'll keep you updated. You all are great.
Posted by gazo on April 24, 2007, at 22:05:33
In reply to I'm back, posted by wishingstar on April 24, 2007, at 21:29:49
Nice to see you back! i had been checking the names on the thread looking for a post from you and then i saw this one. Once threads get long i get confused.
It's nice to see you seem to have good supports in place and you're feeling better. You sound a lot better too. :o)
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 25, 2007, at 1:26:21
In reply to I'm back, posted by wishingstar on April 24, 2007, at 21:29:49
Sounds like you have a good plan, WS. And way to go re: your date. I'm pleased for you.
Definitely keep us posted -- I'll be interested to hear how the DBT-ish group goes.
Posted by Honore on April 25, 2007, at 11:00:40
In reply to I'm back, posted by wishingstar on April 24, 2007, at 21:29:49
Welcome back, WS!
It sounds as though this is the first time for a long time, that the pressures and bad feelings seem to have let up enough for you to be feeling a little bit optimisitic. You've been through a lot, but maybe this time, maybe a few things have gone right. Finally.
The group sounds like a really positive addition to once a week threapy. I hope it helps you feel a little more connected-- even if, like most groups, it presents frustrations, too. Groups always seem like a bit of an adventure to me-- I do'nt know why.
What's really important is that you'll have more than once a week therapy. You have Laurie's support, as a backup, too.. It's great the way that's evolved into a more present relationship-- it's taken a lot of work on your part-- that you should feel really good about. That plus the group could start to be a support network that mighthelp difference through some of the worst lows. I really hope so.
Plus a renewed sense of connection to Ginny-- which I hope can be sustained, even if there are times when it becomes frayed. Sometimes-- at least in my experiences with Ts-- you go thorugh these losses and reaffirmations of connection a lot for a while, and over time, the connection gets stronger and is much less likely to seem about to break. Each reconnection strengthens it.
I really appreciate Caraher's keeping us posted on how you were. But I'm glad you're back again!
Honore
Posted by wishingstar on April 27, 2007, at 9:48:14
In reply to Re: I'm back » wishingstar, posted by Honore on April 25, 2007, at 11:00:40
Nevermind. I take back what I said about doing good. I'm not doing good at all.
Went to the DBT intake. It's not going to work out. I always tell myself not to put hope in things because they dont work out, and then I always forget and do anyway. I was really hopeful about this. It hurts worse than never having felt better at all. I'm out of options.
I havent stopped crying all morning. I need help. I need someone to talk to. It's just not here. Here... in town... not babble. You know what I mean.
Posted by Honore on April 27, 2007, at 11:29:46
In reply to Re: I'm back, posted by wishingstar on April 27, 2007, at 9:48:14
Wht happened with the DBT intake, WS? That's so disappointing.
You keep putting yourself out there, and it's really hard, but give yourself credit. You've done a lot to make progress, and it will pay off.Disappointment is a very real and hard emotion to accept, and it does eat away at hope. But if you can find a way to accept that it's temporary-- even though there has been a lot of it this year-- and that your efforts will lead to what you need, maybe you can think of some good things that happened this last week.
You did have a better sense of Ginny's caring, and Caraher was really trying to keep all of us in touch with you-- so we could try to reach out, even over the distance. You have a lot of people rooting for you.
This bleakness has to let up-- just don't give up, until you find the things you need. I tend to think you need to get to a bigger city, too-- somewhere where the resources on many levels are more adequate. But you'll get there.
I'm really sorry about the DBT. But it would be a great thing for you, and I know, in time, you'll find another one..
Honore
Posted by muffled on April 27, 2007, at 12:09:29
In reply to I'm back, posted by wishingstar on April 24, 2007, at 21:29:49
Sorry dbt fell thru. If its any consolation, I started dbt too, and got the boot.....
So anyways, you got good T's behind you.
Hard work figgering whats going on for you :-( eh.
Figgering how to make things a little easier.
For me its was so endless and useless cuz I dissoc so much and stuff.
I was getting nowhere.
But then I figgered bout my 'people', and it was so HUGE. So hopefully you can have some helpful discoveries soon, and feel more like you moving ahead.
Best wishes to you (((wishy)))
Muffled
Posted by wishingstar on April 27, 2007, at 12:38:43
In reply to Re: I'm back » wishingstar, posted by Honore on April 27, 2007, at 11:29:46
I dont know. I went to the DBT thing and halfway through the intake I mentinoed having a T and she looked confused and said "so why are you here?"... she didnt even know I was there for dbt.. she thought i was there for regular therapy intake. I figured they knew what they were interviewing me for, since they didnt ask, you know? Supposedly the case manager at the hospital made the apt and told them that, and told them of my financial probs and they said theyd talk to me about it.. I told her about the financial stuff and she had me talk to the receptionist about the financial assistance through the hospital and she said I needed to go to the business office over there. Why didnt anyone tell me that BEFORE I waited a week for that appt today? She said "its only $40 a session" and then looked at my like I was crazy when I said I couldnt afford that. Thats why they were supposed to work with me! And then the counselor lady I'd talked to for an hour about how bad things were just said come back if I think I want to do it later on. Well hello, why do you think I was there to begin with! I cant afford it, they obviously think I'm wacky and dont want me there. It's not happening. She didnt even explain how it works to me or anything other than "its a group". Great. Whatever.
The thing is.. most of the good things that happened this week were mostly related to my feeling hopeful about finally finding a new program. I'm glad ginny and I are bonding again and thats definitely important but not enough to make a significant difference right now. I can barely make it day to day, and week to week is just not happening.
caraher and I, far as I can tell, arent friends anymore. that doenst help how im feeling. (thats NOT me talking bad about him so please dont PBC me.)
I think I;ve really run out of options in this area. Given the work I do, I'm pretty familiar with the services around here. There is another DBT group but it'd require me to quit with Ginny and its also held at a place I used to work, so I dont really want to do that. I probably do need to move to a bigger city, but my lease wont end until August so no way itll happen before then.
Even aside from the issue of making it in the long term, I dont know how to make it moment to moment. I'm supposed to see a client at 3:30. I'm going to have to quit this job. I'm just going to have to. No way around it. I cant do it.
I'm sorry I ramble so much. I just feel like I've tried everything.. and I'm just getting worse and worse. And I've lost my major supports. And I just have nothing left to lose.
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 27, 2007, at 18:05:06
In reply to Re: I'm back, posted by wishingstar on April 27, 2007, at 12:38:43
I'm so sorry you had another frustrating experience, WS. You are constantly in my thoughts. I'm really hoping something will help soon.
Keep writing -- it's a healthy way to deal with all the frustration.
((((((((((WishingStar))))))))))
Posted by wishingstar on April 28, 2007, at 8:23:01
In reply to Re: I'm back » wishingstar, posted by TherapyGirl on April 27, 2007, at 18:05:06
thank you tg. I just dont get what I'm doing so wrong. Spent the night last night with the guy I've started dating recently... it's over next time I talk to him. I barely got any sleep because his dog wouldnt leave me alone, and he didnt do a thing about it. I love dogs myself but I wont be second to anyones dog. If he wants me to spend the night, get the darn dog out of the bed.
Ginny did call yesterday. I'd asked her to. She wants me to consider going back in the hospital. I was just there a week ago! Unlikely. She seemed sort of annoyed really which is unusual for her. I guess we're all just out of things to say.
Posted by muffled on April 28, 2007, at 11:48:14
In reply to Re: I'm back » TherapyGirl, posted by wishingstar on April 28, 2007, at 8:23:01
Mebbe Ginny not annoyed. Lotsa time I think T annoyed, but it seems it sometimes is concern, cuz she does care....
((Wishy))
Take care
Muffled
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 28, 2007, at 12:18:38
In reply to Re: I'm back » TherapyGirl, posted by wishingstar on April 28, 2007, at 8:23:01
I don't think you're doing anything wrong. I think it's just an unfortunate set of circumstances, along with the additional challenge of your brain chemistry. I know I keep saying this, but if you can continue to just hang on, I do believe it will get better.
Now, about your new guy -- if the dog thing is the only thing about him that has annoyed you or worried you, I think you should consider telling him you don't enjoy the dog in bed with you and give him a chance to correct it. He may not have done anything because it doesn't bother him and it didn't occur to him that it was bothering you. If, on the other hand, you have begun to see a pattern of him disregarding your needs and feelings, then I think you should go ahead and end it.
Just my two cents...
Posted by wishingstar on April 28, 2007, at 12:50:18
In reply to Re: I'm back, posted by TherapyGirl on April 28, 2007, at 12:18:38
Regarding the new guy, it's definitely becoming a pattern. I was very upset about something a few nights ago at his place (had nothing to do with him) and crying (rare for me), and he sat and watched me cry from across the room for about an hour untl I finally got up and left. I just spoke to him about the dog thing and he definitely sounded annoyed that I'd say it and didnt apologize, wasnt at all understanding. Everything is always about him. It hurts.
I had an okay morning. I've been up about 2 1/2 hours now. Crashing. Maybe I should think about going back to the hospital, but why? I really dont see a reason to do it. I just need someone to be here, to care, to hear me... but every moment feels like it's just impossible to get through. It's just not worth it. I can try and do the "right thing" over and over... see friends, be social, dont isolate, be honest with how i feel... but it always just ends up hurting even more. I just want to crawl under my desk. My T said I could page her this weekend if I need to but why? Nothing she can say that hasnt been said 50 times.. and we've talked outside sessions at least once every single week for awhile now. I need to leave her alone.
Posted by Honore on April 28, 2007, at 13:11:50
In reply to Re: I'm back, posted by wishingstar on April 28, 2007, at 12:50:18
WS, don't worry about how many times something's been said. Things need to be said over and over, in different circumstances, different tones of voice, with somewhat different echoes, and resonances, and leading to different moments of understanding.
It takes hundreds, sometimes thousands of times to accumulate the depth and force of all the things that have to led to what you're feeling now. It takes at least as many times, and a lot of work and suffering and struggle to come to another, better place.
Don't beat yourself up because you keep repeating these things. You have to-- it's the only way. Even if we get so down on ourselves for not being beyond where we are, for being stuck in the same old feelings-- it's something we can't help.
That how we're created, and that's what we have to work with- our own patterns and rhythms of feelings and thinking--
It just takes many repetitions and workings-through-- and each may be just a little different in ways that we don't know-- or see--
I think you should reach out to Ginny. I hope she can answer-- or to whomever you can-- and just keep on, as you are. I wish you knew how well you're doing, and how hard you're working-- and if it isn't leading to anything that feels better right now.
Honore
Posted by wishingstar on April 29, 2007, at 10:38:54
In reply to Re: I'm back » wishingstar, posted by Honore on April 28, 2007, at 13:11:50
thank you honore.. it helps to hear that. I just start to feel like I'm being so whiny after awhile.
I guess on some level I am aware of how hard I've been trying, at least these last 2 weeks.. with the ER (twice) and crisis services and all these things. I reached out a LOT and way beyond my comfort zone. But thats partially what makes my current place so hard. I'm trying so hard and it just isnt making any difference. I know I cant expect miracles but I sure would like one.
I didnt call ginny yesterday. I wanted to.. and I'm sure I'll want to today.. but I'm trying not to. We've talked outside session every week for the past month at least I think.. at least once, sometimes twice even.. always for 10 or 15 min, sometimes as long as 30. She seems okay with it, but last time she called she sounded annoyed and even regardless of that, I hate to be a pest. Outside calls arent supposed to happen this frequently. So I'm trying to hang on and not call this week. I see her Tues this week so only 2 days.
Feeling ok so far today. I havent even been awake an hour though. Slept in until 11am. Very nice. We'll see.
Posted by muffled on April 29, 2007, at 22:56:30
In reply to Re: I'm back » Honore, posted by wishingstar on April 29, 2007, at 10:38:54
WS you great
This is the end of the thread.
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