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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by littleone on March 7, 2007, at 19:43:16
Warning to those who need to take care of themselves at the moment – this thread is about denial of parts and repressed memories and denial of abuse. If you think those topics may be distressing for you, it may be safer for you to avoid this thread.
Posted by littleone on March 7, 2007, at 19:45:22
In reply to Denial, posted by littleone on March 7, 2007, at 19:43:16
I am very hesitant to post this. I am still very tender over it all and could very easily slip back down into denial. Plus I am really worried that people will attack my T. But I think it’s important to put this out there in case it helps others.
I have really struggled recently. It started when my T was talking about a reaction I had to something and he said “people who have been abused are often hypervigilant…”. This set me right off. It was the A word that did it. After putting years of thought into what I experienced as a child, I had accepted that I had very very bad parenting, I had been emotionally neglected, I had been traumatised, but I definitely had not been abused.
When I tried to argue with my T about this, he said that what I’ve told him does not explain my symptoms. That he is keeping an open mind – open to the fact that there’s probably more there that I haven’t remembered yet.
On the inside, this terrified me. On the outside, the teenager was furious and insisted this was very very bad therapy. I am well aware of the danger of false memories and that T’s need to be very careful to do nothing to suggest/implant/whatever false memories. I came very very close to leaving my T.
Luckily I am also well aware that repressed memories *do* occur. It is very distressing to research the topics of false and repressed memories. So many sources are heavily biased one way or the other. And some of them are very clever and convincing – although not necessarily accurate. It is difficult to come to a balanced view.
I should mention here that the point of this post was not to discuss false vs repressed memories. I will not be entering discussions on that topic.
The thing is, when all this happened, I fell into heavy denial over the whole “parts” thing. I was convinced that I was “thinking myself sick” (this is a long held belief from childhood) and that I had just latched on to the idea of parts and had moulded myself to fit my T’s view of me (ie that he thinks I have parts). I have never had a proper sense of self – it has always been very fragmented – and I just tend to mould myself to be whoever the other person wants me to be. I thought I had outsmarted my T and convinced him I was something I’m not.
It was very hard and distressing to live with the denial. Especially because even when I talked about all the reasons I don’t have parts, I’d still be referring to them. That is sooooo frustrating. And living life was very difficult again. When I was denying parts, I wasn’t able to comfort them or accept them or communicate with them or work with them. They were rejected and pushed down. Very difficult.
After a while I was able to recognise the terror underlying all these problems. I was terrified of accepting that I had been “abused”. Trauma can be accidental and unintended. Abuse holds a connotation of cruel intent in my mind. To accept I had been abused would mean losing the “good” side of my parents. And I simply can’t do that yet. I still want/need something from them. Still hopeful of getting something from them and can’t have that extinguished by losing the “good” parents. I’m still working out what it is exactly that I want from them.
I also agree with my T that I probably do have repressed memories. I mean, I remember hardly nothing from my childhood, so there’s obviously a lot lying there forgotten. Plus there have been a couple of things over the last few years that have sent red flags up for me. I “know” that I’ve seen a dead person before, but because I can’t actually remember who/when/where/etc, I dismiss this as being mistaken or having watched too many horror movies as a teenager. I also have a very strong reaction to having people touch my neck. The slightest touch freaks me out and makes me feel like I’m choking. Even if I just touch my own neck.
I know that is indicative of past trauma.
So, I have been working through this with my T. Recently I was finally able to let go of the denial of parts. It felt so good. The relief was tremendous. I felt so much free-er. I was able to once again work at soothing and accepting and liking and communicating with them. They just fit me so well. I think this alone is good proof that they are real. That I’m not thinking myself sick. They explain the experience of me.
Having said that, I’m still struggling with working with my parts. I had just been getting the hang of soothing the young part, then the 10 year olds came up. And before I could get a grip on them, the teenager has been around a lot more too. Plus I think there’s a good girl part as well. My T says they’re coming up more as they feel safer to do so.
It took 2 years for the young part to come out and talk to my T. Then another year for one of the 10 year olds to do so. Then suddenly pop pop pop several at once. It scares me the way they increase so quickly. I don’t want more. Even two is too many. I want less parts, not more. Plus we haven’t finished with the young part yet, more work is needed there. It’s overwhelming.
It’s hard to learn to tell them apart and figure out what helps which parts.
But I’ll get there eventually. Through hard work. And with the help of my T. He is very special.
My safe place has been evolving through all this. Other parts have needed extra walls and things to feel safe. It is such a haven for me. I keep a photo of it on my desk at work. It helps me a lot.
Sorry this ended up so long. I guess there was a lot I wanted to share.
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 7, 2007, at 22:17:18
In reply to Re: Denial, posted by littleone on March 7, 2007, at 19:45:22
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 7, 2007, at 22:50:29
In reply to Re: Denial, posted by littleone on March 7, 2007, at 19:45:22
So, I have been working through this with my T. Recently I was finally able to let go of the denial of parts. It felt so good. The relief was tremendous. I felt so much free-er. I was able to once again work at soothing and accepting and liking and communicating with them. They just fit me so well. I think this alone is good proof that they are real. That I’m not thinking myself sick. They explain the experience of me.
**Yeah, I still deny sometimes...
I imagine I have made it all up somehow....
Then stuff happens, and I get smacked by the reality that I DO have parts.Having said that, I’m still struggling with working with my parts. I had just been getting the hang of soothing the young part, then the 10 year olds came up. And before I could get a grip on them, the teenager has been around a lot more too. Plus I think there’s a good girl part as well. My T says they’re coming up more as they feel safer to do so.
**I have gotten to know some of my parts. I am very proud of how well some of my parts have done. We can get along SO much better. It is SO much better to not deny.
It took 2 years for the young part to come out and talk to my T. Then another year for one of the 10 year olds to do so. Then suddenly pop pop pop several at once. It scares me the way they increase so quickly. I don’t want more. Even two is too many. I want less parts, not more. Plus we haven’t finished with the young part yet, more work is needed there. It’s overwhelming.
It’s hard to learn to tell them apart and figure out what helps which parts.
**I too get confused by parts. Sometimes I have writings and I think it was one part, but it doesn't SEEM really quite like that parts words....so mebbe its a diff one? And then I get to thinking, mebbe the part I thot was a diff part, is just an existing part having an outburst or something....
My T didn'y know bout parts, she got no experience of parts, but it turned out for the best cuz she said things like the I word, and like how they were just a part of me, not theirownselves, etc, etc. And I think she was not entirely comfortable bout them. But that made me defend them. Astonishingly strongly. And I think its helped my parts work together better somehow.
When things go smoothly I wouldn't really most of the time even KNOW I got parts. Its always so much worse when I under stress, then look out.
Then too if I repress too much and some don't get what they need, then there is conflict, and that is hard.But I’ll get there eventually. Through hard work. And with the help of my T. He is very special.
**ya your T sounds pretty cool :)
Posted by Daisym on March 8, 2007, at 1:08:21
In reply to Re: Denial, posted by littleone on March 7, 2007, at 19:45:22
You were very brave to share all of this. Thank you for doing so.
I know about the fear of suggestion. When I was recovering memories there came a time when I wondered if my therapist stumbled. We were talking about how impossible oral sex was for me with my husband. After a long discussion about personal preferences and it being OK to say "no" -- he stopped for a minute and then looked at me and said, "that didn't happen when you were a child -- did it?" It was a frozen moment - we both felt the fear drop into the room like a giant ice cube -- and I just knew. And he knew. Did he plant the idea? No. Obviously I'd been talking all around it. But I was mad at him for asking the question for a long time.
I'm glad you feel that you are moving to a more centered place with your parts and pieces. It is difficult but you are doing the hard work, with the help of your therapist.
Take good care,
Daisy
Posted by Poet on March 8, 2007, at 10:41:31
In reply to Re: Denial, posted by littleone on March 7, 2007, at 19:45:22
Hi Littleone,
Thank you so much for being brave enough to share your story. I know denial very well, abuse is a topic that my T knows she is not allowed to bring up unless I do and I don't. I want to deny anything ever happened, yet everytime I have contact with my brother I know exactly why I hate him so much.
I know I need to work through this in therapy (some day) and I know it won't be easy, but Daisy is doing it, you are doing it, maybe I can do it?
Poet
Posted by zenhussy on March 8, 2007, at 12:01:54
In reply to Re: Denial » littleone, posted by Poet on March 8, 2007, at 10:41:31
>>>I know I need to work through this in therapy (some day) and I know it won't be easy, but Daisy is doing it, you are doing it, maybe I can do it?<<<
you can do it Poet. you will when you're ready and not a day before. denial was survival for many reasons for many ppl. comes a time when denial no longer works as well and learning new ways of being and coping in this world become necessary as one realizes those old ways (denial) are no longer cutting it in this day and age.
only you'll know when you're ready to face this work in therapy.
what was unspeakable years ago has now been verbalized and written and is still being worked on but the ability to *feel* differently about life now after much therapeutic work we look back to where we were and how far we've come and it is amazing at times to think that for many years we believed talking=death. now we try to remember that AIDS activist group's slogan *silence=death*
comes a time when you'll no longer be able to remain silent.
Posted by littleone on March 8, 2007, at 19:49:48
In reply to Re: Denial, posted by Iwillsurvive on March 7, 2007, at 22:50:29
>**I have gotten to know some of my parts. I am very proud of how well some of my parts have done. We can get along SO much better. It is SO much better to not deny.
I can definitely see changes in you. I know you still have rough patches, but they seem to pass a bit more smoothly and quicker than they used to. And I can see that your parts are kind of looking out for each other now. It’s no longer every man for himself. I get a sense that you’re a bit more centred now. Not sure how to explain that clearer. And you’re very insightful.
You have taken big steps forward. Your parts are doing good work.
And yes, it really is so much better when we stop denying. But it is such a powerful defense against threats. I’m sure I’ll be holding up that shield of denial again. It would be nice to draw a shield broken in two and discarded on the ground. And then to stand beside it courageous and tall. I no longer need you Denial!
>**I too get confused by parts. Sometimes I have writings and I think it was one part, but it doesn't SEEM really quite like that parts words....so mebbe its a diff one? And then I get to thinking, mebbe the part I thot was a diff part, is just an existing part having an outburst or something....
Yes! I knew I had a 10 year old part, but there have been various things written/said that seem to indicate that maybe there is more than one of them. Perhaps like there’s been a good/bad split there. And I think the shame from that time has been split off into another part perhaps. But they’re all so closely interconnected that it is difficult to separate them out to learn about them.
But don’t hold me to those theories. It’s such a steep learning curve, I’ll probably think something different next week.
>**My T didn'y know bout parts, she got no experience of parts, but it turned out for the best cuz she said things like the I word, and like how they were just a part of me, not theirownselves, etc, etc. And I think she was not entirely comfortable bout them. But that made me defend them. Astonishingly strongly. And I think its helped my parts work together better somehow.
Are you sure that she felt uncomfortable about them? Perhaps she was just explaining her ideas on the subject. Doesn’t mean she was uncomfortable about them. Were you uncomfortable and maybe projecting that on to her?
I’m not saying that’s what happened. Just putting the question out there. You certainly seem to be open about having parts and it doesn’t seem like she’s been trying to turn them off/shut them away/deny them/etc. She seems to be accepting of them.
Regardless of that, I am very glad they stood together so strongly and they feel more united in where they are heading.
>**When things go smoothly I wouldn't really most of the time even KNOW I got parts. Its always so much worse when I under stress, then look out.
>Then too if I repress too much and some don't get what they need, then there is conflict, and that is hard.Yeah.
Posted by littleone on March 8, 2007, at 19:50:26
In reply to Re: Denial -*sexual trigger » littleone, posted by Daisym on March 8, 2007, at 1:08:21
Yes, the fear of suggestion. It has been a big fear of mine that I am too suggestable and that because of this I need to be extra alert for even the slightest sign of suggestion from my T. I can really understand your frozen moment and the anger coming up and the fear underlying it all.
When things were really bad with my T, we played hangman one day. He made up a phrase and I was guessing the letters. He made up “honesty in therapy” and explained how important it was for him to be honest with me. I had asked him a question about why he thought my past experiences could be labelled as abuse, and he felt it was very important that it be answered honestly.
Like your T’s comment. An honest question. In a way I think that if he had of avoided that question and danced around it (in order to avoid be accused of suggestion), that would be similar to old family dynamics of hiding the truth and leaving things unsaid.
Posted by littleone on March 8, 2007, at 19:51:23
In reply to Re: Denial » littleone, posted by Poet on March 8, 2007, at 10:41:31
> I know I need to work through this in therapy (some day) and I know it won't be easy, but Daisy is doing it, you are doing it, maybe I can do it?
I’m sure you *can* do it. When the time is right, you will do it. Zenhussy said it all so well.
You already “know” the truth inside you. But it sounds like you’re scared to face it and accept it. I’ve seen courage inside you through some of your posts. I know that when you are ready to take that step, you will succeed.
Which probably sounds unbelievable to you if you think you’re a failure. But I see such strength in you.
I have to constantly remind myself that therapy is all about taking risks. And that it’s only through taking those risks that you grow. The trick is trying to break those risks down to manageable steps.
Posted by Poet on March 10, 2007, at 10:22:23
In reply to Re: Denial » Poet, posted by zenhussy on March 8, 2007, at 12:01:54
Hi Zenhussy,
Thanks for the words of encouragement. You're right that only I will know when I'm ready to face it in therapy. I'm grateful that I have a T who doesn't push me.
There will come a time when I'm no longer able to remain silent, just not right now.
Poet
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