Posted by littleone on March 7, 2007, at 19:45:22
In reply to Denial, posted by littleone on March 7, 2007, at 19:43:16
I am very hesitant to post this. I am still very tender over it all and could very easily slip back down into denial. Plus I am really worried that people will attack my T. But I think it’s important to put this out there in case it helps others.
I have really struggled recently. It started when my T was talking about a reaction I had to something and he said “people who have been abused are often hypervigilant…”. This set me right off. It was the A word that did it. After putting years of thought into what I experienced as a child, I had accepted that I had very very bad parenting, I had been emotionally neglected, I had been traumatised, but I definitely had not been abused.
When I tried to argue with my T about this, he said that what I’ve told him does not explain my symptoms. That he is keeping an open mind – open to the fact that there’s probably more there that I haven’t remembered yet.
On the inside, this terrified me. On the outside, the teenager was furious and insisted this was very very bad therapy. I am well aware of the danger of false memories and that T’s need to be very careful to do nothing to suggest/implant/whatever false memories. I came very very close to leaving my T.
Luckily I am also well aware that repressed memories *do* occur. It is very distressing to research the topics of false and repressed memories. So many sources are heavily biased one way or the other. And some of them are very clever and convincing – although not necessarily accurate. It is difficult to come to a balanced view.
I should mention here that the point of this post was not to discuss false vs repressed memories. I will not be entering discussions on that topic.
The thing is, when all this happened, I fell into heavy denial over the whole “parts” thing. I was convinced that I was “thinking myself sick” (this is a long held belief from childhood) and that I had just latched on to the idea of parts and had moulded myself to fit my T’s view of me (ie that he thinks I have parts). I have never had a proper sense of self – it has always been very fragmented – and I just tend to mould myself to be whoever the other person wants me to be. I thought I had outsmarted my T and convinced him I was something I’m not.
It was very hard and distressing to live with the denial. Especially because even when I talked about all the reasons I don’t have parts, I’d still be referring to them. That is sooooo frustrating. And living life was very difficult again. When I was denying parts, I wasn’t able to comfort them or accept them or communicate with them or work with them. They were rejected and pushed down. Very difficult.
After a while I was able to recognise the terror underlying all these problems. I was terrified of accepting that I had been “abused”. Trauma can be accidental and unintended. Abuse holds a connotation of cruel intent in my mind. To accept I had been abused would mean losing the “good” side of my parents. And I simply can’t do that yet. I still want/need something from them. Still hopeful of getting something from them and can’t have that extinguished by losing the “good” parents. I’m still working out what it is exactly that I want from them.
I also agree with my T that I probably do have repressed memories. I mean, I remember hardly nothing from my childhood, so there’s obviously a lot lying there forgotten. Plus there have been a couple of things over the last few years that have sent red flags up for me. I “know” that I’ve seen a dead person before, but because I can’t actually remember who/when/where/etc, I dismiss this as being mistaken or having watched too many horror movies as a teenager. I also have a very strong reaction to having people touch my neck. The slightest touch freaks me out and makes me feel like I’m choking. Even if I just touch my own neck.
I know that is indicative of past trauma.
So, I have been working through this with my T. Recently I was finally able to let go of the denial of parts. It felt so good. The relief was tremendous. I felt so much free-er. I was able to once again work at soothing and accepting and liking and communicating with them. They just fit me so well. I think this alone is good proof that they are real. That I’m not thinking myself sick. They explain the experience of me.
Having said that, I’m still struggling with working with my parts. I had just been getting the hang of soothing the young part, then the 10 year olds came up. And before I could get a grip on them, the teenager has been around a lot more too. Plus I think there’s a good girl part as well. My T says they’re coming up more as they feel safer to do so.
It took 2 years for the young part to come out and talk to my T. Then another year for one of the 10 year olds to do so. Then suddenly pop pop pop several at once. It scares me the way they increase so quickly. I don’t want more. Even two is too many. I want less parts, not more. Plus we haven’t finished with the young part yet, more work is needed there. It’s overwhelming.
It’s hard to learn to tell them apart and figure out what helps which parts.
But I’ll get there eventually. Through hard work. And with the help of my T. He is very special.
My safe place has been evolving through all this. Other parts have needed extra walls and things to feel safe. It is such a haven for me. I keep a photo of it on my desk at work. It helps me a lot.
Sorry this ended up so long. I guess there was a lot I wanted to share.
poster:littleone
thread:739054
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070215/msgs/739057.html