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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on October 7, 2006, at 10:36:47
How do you keep therapy fresh?
I, in my most intellectual mode, am still smarting. I don't usually go see my therapist in intellectual mode, but I did on Tuesday, and told him of several things that were bothering me. Babble distress. Work distress. And he tells me "Sounds like another babble drama to me." in a rather final tone. Kind of killed the conversation, and made me feel like I was bringing to him something I shouldn't. At the next session, when I told him how I felt, he responded that it wsan't his intention to "diss" me, but that really was how he saw it.
That's a specific example, and one that bothers me rather a lot because I wondered why on earth I bothered going.
But I think it's the hazard of long term therapy.
"I'm really upset because my husband..." "Well, that definitely sounds like him."
"My mother seems to have lost interest in my son." "Yes, she's really only interested in very young children, isn't she."
"I don't understand why... (angrily)" "I know you don't. (gently, almost tenderly or sometimes in amusement)"
"Do you think maybe you feel anger at your mother for more than just (running off and leaving her house moldy) (spending her entire retirement savings) (not calling you or answering your calls when you have practical matters you need to discuss with her) (forcing you to be the bad guy about money)? Do you think you have some anger with her about older things?" "Good grief yes. I thought I'd made that clear."
He does seem to want to explore my feelings about my mother and brother, but I guess my feelings aren't as deep as they should be, because I've pretty much exhausted them.
Been there, already talked that to death. Seems like the course of conversation for most things I bring up, except maybe when we talk about him. I'm getting a chance to know him better, I guess.
I feel like I'm boring. Or at least that we don't have issues to explore any more. I can't bear to lose him. But what on earth do we talk about? What did you watch on TV last night? Did you see any good movies lately? He's not my friend, he's my therapist, and I like it that way. And I would never ever want to lose him.
But how do I keep it fresh?
I know I've asked this before, especially before Katrina.
Posted by happyflower on October 7, 2006, at 12:00:00
In reply to Here we go again, posted by Dinah on October 7, 2006, at 10:36:47
Hi Dinah,
I don't have any answers but maybe some ideas based just on what I have experienced. I don't know your whole story so forgive me if I seem ignorant to some of the details.
But do you belive you have talked about all the issues already especially the old issues from childhood? Or are their issues you still need or want to talk about with him that you might be avoiding or maybe waiting until you feel comfortable to think about them? You have been in therapy with him a long time and I understand the attachment thing, the support thing, but are you still getting "help" with issues or is he becoming less helpful in that way ? (you know what he is going to say before he says it) I know he is a support figure and a comforting figure that you are attached to, but other than that is helping you become better at dealing with your life? Is he helping a lot or is he becoming less helpful. Sorry if I am becoming redundant here.
I feel my therapist would always be able to help me even if it is just listening to me and being there, but I wonder if his "helpfullness" becomes less after a while when I are more able to help myself.
I believe my therapist was getting bored with me because I wasn't bringing anything new to the table. But really it was me not ready to face stuff. But now that I am ready, I am able to use him better and he feels better for being able to help me. It is kinda like a two way relationship in that matter. He really enjoyed me in the beginning for the challenge I presented, he said it keeps him on his toes,a nd make him feel like he is doing some good.My T's idea is for me to socialize and meet people so I can have them to eventually be my support system, so I will rely less on him for this. It is happening even though I don't want to give him up because he is special to me but I am calling him less in crisis lately.
But now I am trying to go deeper, maybe I am ready to, I think I have been "vamping" lately in therapy, being social, even though I am benefitng from his support, I not getting his "expertise" of therapy. (the best of him) Now that is changing, now he is "recharged" in helping me. He was even hinting at taking a break a few months ago, so I know he was feeling not very useful. I think T's like the challenge and it feel good to them that they are helping.
So maybe none of this means anything to your situation, but I guess what is the staleness from ? Are you holding back or has he reaches his limit of "helpfulness" and you need more or a different kind of help?
I am sorry I am thinking a lot "in my head" lately, but like I said I have no answers, but your situation makes me think of mine. ;-) My T recently told me that everyone has relationship problems and insecurity, but it is how you deal with them or cope is the key. He wants me to be able to help myself and need him less, I guess this the goal of therapy really. So am I ready to fly solo and leave his nest? Maybe not yet, but I hope so eventually. I think the success my T will feel when I do leave the nest, will be bittersweet to the both of us, but it has to happen some day. I am not saying that you are there, but someday I think you will be, don't you think? Don't you really want that for yourself? (((((((dinah)))))) p.s . please remind me of this when I am crying my eyes out durning termination, okay. lol
Posted by Dinah on October 7, 2006, at 12:12:08
In reply to Re: Here we go again, posted by happyflower on October 7, 2006, at 12:00:00
No, I've told him everything. Even my deepest darkest secret that I really didn't want to tell him.
Sometimes he forgets things, so it's like telling him afresh.
He swears he's not bored, and I'm not sure he really is bored, although I feel boring. I don't generally *feel* boredom from him.
Really, it's more of an old married old shoe feeling. Which is good in some ways.
I do better when I see him regularly than when I don't. That's just a fact. When I don't see him I'm unproductive and prone to meltdowns. I have an overexcitable nervous system, and seeing him prevents meltdowns. It's definitely ongoing supportive therapy rather than exploratory therapy. And he's ok with that and so am I.
I just wish I could spice things up a bit, keep the intensity at a higher level. Just like an old married couple need to keep things interesting.
Posted by Daisym on October 7, 2006, at 12:17:38
In reply to Re: Here we go again » happyflower, posted by Dinah on October 7, 2006, at 12:12:08
It seems to me what has worked before was to cut back to 1x a week for a couple of weeks and then go back to 2x a week. You remember more about why you need him and what work there is still to do.
I'm wondering also, if you have talked more about how hard it is to parent an older child? I know there was a lot of concern about this earlier in the summer and that was before you had settled back down into therapy as nicely as you have now. Just a thought...
I sort of grinned when I read this because I hear you saying "we need to fight about something" -- definitely increases the intensity, doesn't it?
At one point you also had some topics you had written down to talk about "someday." Maybe pull those out and go through them again?
I really doubt you are boring your therapist. The more important question: Is he boring you? FFT
hugs,
Daisy
Posted by Poet on October 7, 2006, at 12:27:17
In reply to Here we go again, posted by Dinah on October 7, 2006, at 10:36:47
Hi Dinah,
I think I bore my therapist, too. I told her in our last session that I'm thinking of ending therapy because now that I have a new job I don't need her anymore. She didn't take it as an insult, she just said, she'd like to *walk with me* through the job for awhile and help me be able to handle criticism better. That led to my thinking I'm a failure for getting Bs in my classses and before I knew it I realized that I still need therapy.
You've been seeing your T longer than I've been seeing mine (though four years seems forever!) and you are far more open about talking than I am. So my situation is probably different.
I don't really have an answer as to how to keep therapy fresh other than to try to work on different aspects of old issues. From reading your post on the Work board it seems like the stress of working at the office and missing your father being there is really getting to you right now. Kind of like me starting to work on coping with criticism at the new job instead of talking about what a career failure I am.
My therapist and I talk about movies. It usually ends up with the psychological makeup of the characters. So go ahead and talk about TV or whatever for awhile. It isn't therapy in the traditional sense, but your T will learn something about you and you about him.
Poet
Posted by Dinah on October 7, 2006, at 12:30:28
In reply to Re: Here we go again » Dinah, posted by Daisym on October 7, 2006, at 12:17:38
ROFL.
You read all the things I *didn't* write perfectly. Just perfectly.
I was even thinking of picking a fight. :)
Yes, those are great ideas. I've still got that envelope.
I do need help with being a parent to an older child, definitely. But... He doesn't have any kids, but he has a stepdaughter who became his stepkid at not too much older than my son is now. The problem is that all indications are that he's not feeling very successful in the role. And he seems totally at a loss when I talk about parenting, other than to mouth some useless platitudes that don't really fit. :(
I think we need to replace my son's play therapist, maybe this time with a family therapist.
This is a very solveable problem, I think. It's just that he doesn't see it as a problem, so I'm not getting his cooperation. I think he rather enjoys things this way. He seemed almost annoyed the other day when I talked about despair and suicidal ideation. Almost like a friend who doesn't want to hear me talk that way. Or who is angry with me for feeling that way.
Posted by Dinah on October 7, 2006, at 12:39:52
In reply to Re: Here we go again » Dinah, posted by Poet on October 7, 2006, at 12:27:17
I think you've hit a couple of important points.
There are definitely things I still need to explore, or work on, and I probably need to talk to him about the feeling that he's just acknowledging them rather than helping me work on them. I am having a great deal of troubles at work and they are based on feelings that are getting in my way. And I need him to help me access them rather than talk to me about practical things.
And you're right about talking about TV and movies too. I use Babble a lot in that way, but TV and movies could be useful too. I've always thought I could write a book about what "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?" evokes in me.
I feel like a wife who is looking for help from her husband to bring life back to the marriage, and meeting with the resistance of a man who's perfectly happy with things as they are and who overtly and covertly works to keep the status quo.
Maybe he's relishing the quiet after the storm and wants to bask in calmness and good feelings for at least a while.
Posted by mair on October 7, 2006, at 22:45:47
In reply to Here we go again, posted by Dinah on October 7, 2006, at 10:36:47
Dinah - I remember saying something to my T to the effect of "aren't you bored listening to me because I'm bored listening to myself." I used to get worried that she'd really get bored when we'd talk about something that we've dissected before - she's done a good job of adequately assuring me that there is real value in going back over things repeatedly.
By and large, I struggle with the boredom of therapy when I'm doing fairly well. I know some Ts say that they can't do real therapy with people who are severely depressed, but I think therapy feels more rewarding to me when I'm emotionally raw. Maybe it's just that when I am doing fairly well, it's too hard for me to tap into the depth of emotion.
I'm also wondering, as I'm writing this, whether at this stage allowing myself to really feel things deeply and to feel comfortable expressing deeply held feelings is what I most want out of therapy and maybe all the other stuff just doesn't matter as much. I get a little restless when I can't work on what means the most to me.
mair
Posted by Dinah on October 8, 2006, at 11:57:41
In reply to Re: Here we go again » Dinah, posted by mair on October 7, 2006, at 22:45:47
I think what I find healing about therapy is the emotional connection. And while emotional connection can happen in slow lazy bonding sessions, it's all too easy for it to drift into superficial chat. Then I don't really feel connected, and I feel distress over the lack of connection.
It seems bizarre that I can't think of what to talk about. I'm enormously distressed about work, or my lack thereof. I dread dealing with my mother in the ways that I need to deal with her. And I've been having intrusive self hating thoughts, and lots of suicidal ideation that is seeming less and less intrusive and more and more like what I really believe. Although admittedly it comes and goes and that might be confusing my therapist.
Posted by annierose on October 8, 2006, at 15:59:27
In reply to Re: Here we go again » mair, posted by Dinah on October 8, 2006, at 11:57:41
>>>It seems bizarre that I can't think of what to talk about<<<
I feel the same. And my T tells me something (a memory) is holding me back. In other words, the silence holds a ton of emotional baggage. Somehow or another, we need to find a way to put that "blankness" into words. I haven't found a way just yet.
Dealing with your mom is bound to dredge up stuff from the past. I guess instead of talking about her, tell him how she makes you feel.
This is the end of the thread.
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