![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 12 to 36 of 36. Go back in thread:
Posted by Lindenblüte on September 27, 2006, at 16:04:13
In reply to Re: Good luck! » Lindenblüte, posted by Phillipa on September 27, 2006, at 15:27:02
Hi All,
Well, she is very nice, and I like her office. I feel comfortable there. kind of cozy.My former T gave her an update on me, so she was kind of ready to jump right in and get started. I told her stuff, but I wasn't quite ready to feel them with her yet. I told her that I had turned off my feelings sometime over the weekend, because I was scared of hurting myself. I told her about my cutting habit (which I never told my Mr. T). Haven't mentioned the cuticle cutting though. I didn't want to completely freak her out. anyhoo... I guess I'm back to the same old games. pretend like all is fine and dandy. smile and grin and bear it...
She asked all the right questions. I think she's going to be good for me. And she's more available than my ex-T, so that will be good. Although I've gotten pretty good at managing crises on my own with a week or three in between appts, I had often wished that I had a little more support, or at least perceived a little more support, even if I never intended on picking up the phone to call.
So. Now I see T a couple times a week. yikes! that could be kind of hard on my checkbook. I guess I'll be getting a lump of coal in my stocking this X-mas. oh well...
I kind of avoided the very scariest stuff, and I only cried a bit. I think that I will probably be able to open up to her though.
So. That's that.
And how am i feeling? Well, kind of numb. A little triggered/freaked out for a few minutes after the appt. I've done well at preserving my sanity over the last 5 days with no T. It's going to take me a bit of time before I'm ready to get to that place again.
Posted by ElaineM on September 27, 2006, at 17:23:19
In reply to Update on my new T (long) **SInj. trig mild**, posted by Lindenblüte on September 27, 2006, at 16:04:13
Li, I'm glad your Ms.T is nice and that she is going to see you multiple times each week. It's a completely different story than the large-gap appointments. But don't feel like you have to jump in at the exact same place where you left off with your Mr.T., or even at the same place your thoughts have moved ahead to. Sometimes it takes awhile to feel ready to be emotional with someone. And that's not running and hiding, it's just your mind keeping you safe and waiting until you're ready. And about the SI specifically, the fact that you told her about the cutting is a huge brave step. Some people take months or years to admit to SI. I knew someone who told her T absolutely everything BUT that. You should give yourself alot of credit, and you'll mention your fingers when you feel it's right.
But I'm pleased for you that you think she may be someone you'll be able to open up to. You deserve support. What do you think of her being female? Did you feel the same "niceness" when you started with Mr.T? Could you feel a difference when speaking to her? ....What am I asking?! I don't know. I'm just so curious.
Do you know when you see her again?
blove, EL
Posted by Lindenblüte on September 27, 2006, at 17:53:44
In reply to Re: Update on my new T (long) **SInj. trig mild**, posted by ElaineM on September 27, 2006, at 17:23:19
And that's not running and hiding, it's just your mind keeping you safe and waiting until you're ready. And about the SI specifically, the fact that you told her about the cutting is a huge brave step. Some people take months or years to admit to SI. I knew someone who told her T absolutely everything BUT that. You should give yourself alot of credit, and you'll mention your fingers when you feel it's right.
***Thanks El, I know it's going to take some time. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just trying too hard because I have over-achiever tendencies.
> But I'm pleased for you that you think she may be someone you'll be able to open up to. You deserve support. What do you think of her being female? Did you feel the same "niceness" when you started with Mr.T? Could you feel a difference when speaking to her? ....What am I asking?! I don't know. I'm just so curious.
***I'm glad you asked. It feels less guarded. I feel less nervous. Even when I go see my male pdoc (who is very kind, smiley, empathetic, who has never done ANYTHING upsetting!)I still get the anxiety attacks and the feeling that I have to be VERY CAREFUL about what I say. Something about those authoritative males being able to use what I disclose to hurt me. Very hard to get over. Especially hard to get over when I never told my Ex-T how intimidating I found his person. I never ever called him by any name. I just said Hi. I never said Hi ______. I still feel very strange about that. I feel like my ex-T had a face that was sincere, but somehow it was hard for me to feel empathy from it. Actually, now that I think about it, I'm not sure that I've ever felt empathy (sympathy?) from a man. oh crap. I just realized that. uh oh. ****News Flash**** Lindenblüte just had an insight... I guess it's kind of hard to spill all this hard stuff when your T's face doesn't mirror the hurt that you are feeling? New T's face feels more like she is feeling me.
My history leads me to mistrust/fear males, and not females, so I would hesitate to overgeneralize my impressions.
Thanks for asking,
b-love back to you (how are your pink tennis shoes holding up? is it time to do some more shoe shopping? I'm about ready... you wanna join me?)-Lindenblüte
(see her on Friday)
Posted by Phillipa on September 27, 2006, at 21:49:16
In reply to Re: Update on my new T (long) **SInj. trig mild** » ElaineM, posted by Lindenblüte on September 27, 2006, at 17:53:44
She sounds great for you a good fit. And I'm so glad you found the courage to talk about the cutting. I'm happy for you. Love Phillipa
Posted by Deneb on September 27, 2006, at 22:12:47
In reply to Update on my new T (long) **SInj. trig mild**, posted by Lindenblüte on September 27, 2006, at 16:04:13
Sounds like it went pretty well. It's a good sign that you can trust her enough to tell her about your SI.
Thanks for updating us.
I hope all goes well.
Deneb*
Posted by muffled on September 27, 2006, at 22:38:18
In reply to Update on my new T (long) **SInj. trig mild**, posted by Lindenblüte on September 27, 2006, at 16:04:13
Posted by Phillipa on September 27, 2006, at 23:12:36
In reply to Re: Update on my new T (long) **SInj. trig mild** » ElaineM, posted by Lindenblüte on September 27, 2006, at 17:53:44
How did you find a good therapist? See my pdoc is in another city 5hours away. Seems like most here only take regular insurance not diability medicaire? Love Phillipa
Posted by Lindenblüte on September 28, 2006, at 8:32:14
In reply to Re: Update on my new T (long) **SInj. trig mild** » Lindenblüte, posted by Phillipa on September 27, 2006, at 23:12:36
Phillipa,
My new T was recommended me by my ex-T and my pdoc.Yes, we all live in the same town, so that helps.
Do you see any doctors locally? Perhaps a woman-care doctor may have a recommendation, or your GP or other specialist. If they don't know, then you might want to find a mental health practice in your area that has several therapists, and maybe they can do a consultation with you to find the best match for your life and your situation. If you are close to your minister, you could request a private meeting with him/her, and ask for a recommendation. Also, your pdoc may have colleagues in your area that can help you out- have you ever asked?
Insurance... kind of tricky. I will only get a limited number of sessions with my insurance, and I have a pretty high co-pay. Then I have to figure out how to do the insurance with my husband's insurance provider. yuck. paperwork.
Basically, if you are on disability, it seems to me that you could negotiate with a T for a sliding scale. I don't know the particulars of your insurance situation, but no matter what, therapy is going to involve some kind of financial arrangements.
I'm going to have to bring my lunch everyday and limit my cafe visits to twice a week :( I have also quit PT for the time being, which is fine, b/c it was triggering me anyways, and I wasn't making much progress. so those changes will probably save me about 80-100 dollars a week.
Oh well...
good luck Phillipa,
-Li
Posted by Lindenblüte on September 28, 2006, at 13:25:22
In reply to how to find a T? » Phillipa, posted by Lindenblüte on September 28, 2006, at 8:32:14
Hi All,
Well, I had to kind of shut down my feelings altogether to avert psychological crisis last weekend when I was inbetween T's.Now I have a new T, and I like her just fine. I told her a lot of stuff, and I guess my ex-T filled her in too, because she knew a lot of the right questions to ask.
Well, I didn't quite turn on my feelings with her. I only allowed myself to cry once, very briefly, and otherwise, I had my happy-go-lucky face on.
On the way back to work, I had some little episodes of triggers and these aversive exaggerated startle responses, but then I kind of ignored that after a while, and distracted myself from my feelings by playing on psychobabble all night long.
Well, I also did something else to distract myself. I had the longest ever SI binge of my life. It lasted almost 3 hours.
*********Self-Injury triggers below**************
I didn't do a lot of damage, which is good, but I attacked every single cuticle with scissors and a nail file and clippers. now they are all red and sore and scabby. I attacked both of the sores on my ears, that haven't really healed since June, because I keep on picking the scabs. I have place on my face where there has been a crusty or a scab for at least 2 weeks, because I won't ever let it heal. I should wear a band-aid, but instead, I cover it with concealer in public and pickypicky in private. The worst is that I *knew* exactly what I was doing and why, and I felt so disgusting, but I couldn't help but run around the house and find a pin to poke at my pores with, or the tweezers to grab some little particle of hangnail. And the knowledge that I have to spend an extra 15 minutes on my makeup today, because my face is full of ouchy blotchys from my rampage.
I just want another way to make the worries in my head calm down, but once I get started on this stuff, I can't hardly help it. I have two big triggers. 1) the bathroom vanity- bright lights and big clogged pores. 2) the couch. TV is interesting, but my nails are even better entertainment.
I just want to tune out. go away for a while. Why does it always come back to haunt me the next morning?
-Li
Posted by muffled on September 28, 2006, at 13:47:27
In reply to I'm maybe not doing so well again ***SI trig******, posted by Lindenblüte on September 28, 2006, at 13:25:22
> Hi All,
> Well, I had to kind of shut down my feelings altogether to avert psychological crisis last weekend when I was inbetween T's.**what will happen if you have a big psychological crisis?
>
> Now I have a new T, and I like her just fine. I told her a lot of stuff, and I guess my ex-T filled her in too, because she knew a lot of the right questions to ask.***thats nice
>
> Well, I didn't quite turn on my feelings with her. I only allowed myself to cry once, very briefly, and otherwise, I had my happy-go-lucky face on.***well I'da been the same way. Goto sorta feel her out a bit.
>
> On the way back to work, I had some little episodes of triggers and these aversive exaggerated startle responses, but then I kind of ignored that after a while, and distracted myself from my feelings by playing on psychobabble all night long.***Yeah, I do that too. Sometimes I even actually grunt with the effort to make the thots go away.
My T tells me emotions pass. I am getting better at realizing that. The problem is they keep comming back....>
> Well, I also did something else to distract myself. I had the longest ever SI binge of my life. It lasted almost 3 hours.***yep. That a long time.
>
> *********Self-Injury triggers below**************
>
> I didn't do a lot of damage, which is good, but I attacked every single cuticle with scissors and a nail file and clippers. now they are all red and sore and scabby. I attacked both of the sores on my ears, that haven't really healed since June, because I keep on picking the scabs. I have place on my face where there has been a crusty or a scab for at least 2 weeks, because I won't ever let it heal. I should wear a band-aid, but instead, I cover it with concealer in public and pickypicky in private. The worst is that I *knew* exactly what I was doing and why, and I felt so disgusting, but I couldn't help but run around the house and find a pin to poke at my pores with, or the tweezers to grab some little particle of hangnail. And the knowledge that I have to spend an extra 15 minutes on my makeup today, because my face is full of ouchy blotchys from my rampage.***why do you SI? Is it a numbing thing? Or a get real thing? Or a punish thing? There's so many reasons.
Do you have anyone you can turn to irl, that you can say, I am really struggling right now, can you just be with me?
I often distract myself w/Babble then I fall asleep. That helps. Thing of the matter is I guess, is that you need better ways to cope with the chaos that is within you, and that you are trying so hard to deny, cuz it scares you.
So mebbe you could ask your T bout that.
Sometimes I can get lost in a real good book.
Or go somewhere I like to be.
Or bake cookies for the homeless.
Anything to distrcact.
>
> I just want another way to make the worries in my head calm down, but once I get started on this stuff, I can't hardly help it. I have two big triggers. 1) the bathroom vanity- bright lights and big clogged pores. 2) the couch. TV is interesting, but my nails are even bette entertainment.***Are they specific worries, or just general craziness?
Have you tried thot stopping.
When you looking in the mirror, say STOP, good and loud, and remove yourself from the room. Go phone someone or babble. Journaling can be good too.
>
> I just want to tune out. go away for a while. Why does it always come back to haunt me the next morning?***sometimes visualization works for me. We goto a safe place in our heads. Somewhere that is nice for you to think of and is safe.
Thing of the matter is, your visiting some painful memeories that are bringing up a host of emotions.
But emotions are just signals that there is something you need to deal with. And your T will help you sort stuff out.
Your the same person you were last year. Kind and caring and funny. But like most of us you got hurts. You got real bad hurts. But they won't destroy you. They in the end, will make you stronger.
Don't have to hide all the time Li.
We like ALL of you.
Muffled
Posted by Jost on September 28, 2006, at 14:17:22
In reply to Re: I'm maybe not doing so well again ***SI trig****** » Lindenblüte, posted by muffled on September 28, 2006, at 13:47:27
Li, you like "to do" lists, so can I offer one:
1. get dimmer lights for bathroom vanity. If dimmer wattage bulbs not available, remove half or two-thirds of bulbs, until vanity is suitably dim and pores are not jumping up and down on your face, asking to be somehow attended to.
2. buy extremely high-quality adhesive bandages, medicate and attach bandage to face where long-running scab also calls out for attention. Do not remove bandage, unless very uncomfortable, for at least three days. Replace if skin not healed fully.
3. Get rid of cuticle-maiming equipment, tweezers, etc. You can work without high-tech tools, if you must persist in this sort of self-attending
4. Throw out concealer. Just until everything heals and you're settled in with new T, and things stablize. I'm sure you're very attractive w/o makeup for a few weeks/month.
4. Buy bat and very heavy duty pillow, next time you get agitated, try using bat with pillow. I"m serious. I"m going to do the same thing. I'll do it, if you do it, okay?
5. Report as to above, esp. as to how it works with bat and pillow (or boxing gloves, boxing matt).
6. Try xanax??????? just for a few weeks, a low low dose.
[[[[[[Li]]]]]]]
Jost
Posted by Lindenblüte on September 28, 2006, at 14:51:45
In reply to Re: a new to do list for Li » muffled, posted by Jost on September 28, 2006, at 14:17:22
> Li, you like "to do" lists, so can I offer one:
Jost- you're the best. THANK YOU> 1. get dimmer lights for bathroom vanity. If dimmer wattage bulbs not available, remove half or two-thirds of bulbs, until vanity is suitably dim and pores are not jumping up and down on your face, asking to be somehow attended to.
I unscrewed all 4 lightbulbs and put them in a back corner of the icky utility closet.
>
> 2. buy extremely high-quality adhesive bandages, medicate and attach bandage to face where long-running scab also calls out for attention. Do not remove bandage, unless very uncomfortable, for at least three days. Replace if skin not healed fully.I have a lot of these already. I'm putting one on right now. Okay. now I'm gonna put another one on my ear boo boo and some ointment on the other ear boo boo where a bandaid won't fit.
>
> 3. Get rid of cuticle-maiming equipment, tweezers, etc. You can work without high-tech tools, if you must persist in this sort of self-attendingI put one nail clipper and one nail file in my violin case, because I need to keep my nails short and smooth to play violin.
I put the rest of the maiming equipment in a bag, in the back of the closet behind a box.
>
> 4. Throw out concealer. Just until everything heals and you're settled in with new T, and things stablize. I'm sure you're very attractive w/o makeup for a few weeks/month.That one's a no-can-do. Gotta have concealer or else I won't leave the house. I have acne, you see? and the concealer is actually a barrier to me picking at my face during the day. If I can cover up the pimples (the blue around my eyes, etc) then I will be less likely to obsess about looking "ill" in public. I can try to go without makeup, but people say things like- your allergies must be really bad, or you look so tired. Don't really wanna deal with that. okay? But I'll keep my makeup routine down to a minimum. I have to keep everything simple now that I have poor lighting in the bathroom anyways
> 4. Buy bat and very heavy duty pillow, next time you get agitated, try using bat with pillow. I"m serious. I"m going to do the same thing. I'll do it, if you do it, okay?
I have a bat already. I keep it near the door. Do I *really* have to BUY a pillow? yuck. I wanna punch my current pillow instead. is that okay?
> 5. Report as to above, esp. as to how it works with bat and pillow (or boxing gloves, boxing matt).
>
> 6. Try xanax??????? just for a few weeks, a low low dose.
>
> [[[[[[Li]]]]]]]
>
> JostThanks Jost. this is a good plan. (((((Jost))))) You're so sensible. ((((Jost))))
-Li
should I tell my pdoc about this SI thing? crap. my next appt is in one week (thursday). AAAAAAAHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh! I just wanna get better without admitting how f*cked up I really am. Why why why why why is that SO hard?
Posted by Lindenblüte on September 28, 2006, at 15:19:37
In reply to Re: I'm maybe not doing so well again ***SI trig****** » Lindenblüte, posted by muffled on September 28, 2006, at 13:47:27
> **what will happen if you have a big psychological crisis?
I'm scared that I'll cut myself, or poison myself. I'm scared that I'll call my abusers and ask them whether they have any recollection of doing those awful things to me. I'm afraid that I'm going to break things and break myself. I'm afraid that I'll go so "crazy" that I'll never think of myself the same way again. I'm scared that I'll do something rash and break up the raft of toothpicks that passes for "family harmony" nowadays. I don't wanna be the one to destroy my mom and dad's newfound relationship; my brother's marriage or our recently developed tolerance for each other; my little brother's sense that we're all doing okay. I don't want to be the one to destroy all those dreams and hopes for my extended family.
That's what I'm afraid of-- that I'll do something in the interests of easing my psychological discomfort and create even bigger problems that must be solved.
> > On the way back to work, I had some little episodes of triggers and these aversive exaggerated startle responses, but then I kind of ignored that after a while, and distracted myself from my feelings by playing on psychobabble all night long.
>
> ***Yeah, I do that too. Sometimes I even actually grunt with the effort to make the thots go away.
> My T tells me emotions pass. I am getting better at realizing that. The problem is they keep comming back....these aren't even emotions. They almost feel like reflexes. It's exhausting to try to keep myself from reacting so strongly to innocent things that happen to trigger me.
> ***yep. That a long time.
I know. Muffled. It's the worst ever, in terms of the length of it, and the degree to which I WANTED to stop but could not. Everywhere I went, every activity I did- I couldn't escape myself. I felt so disheartened. I wanted to feel better, but I couldn't. I wanted to stop, but I couldn't. I felt like a nasty person for enjoying the taste of my own blood.> ***why do you SI? Is it a numbing thing? Or a get real thing? Or a punish thing? There's so many reasons.
Mostly numbing. Some of it is very ingrained- when I watch movies, ever since I was a kid, I'll bite or pick at my nails. It's just that lately, that extends to TV shows, and ... everything else...
> Do you have anyone you can turn to irl, that you can say, I am really struggling right now, can you just be with me?
probably not. I will have friends come over tonight for dinner and girls TV night (G. Anatomy) so that will help. I will try to set something up for this weekend. I just... I don't know how to predict when/if I'm going to have a problem like this. My husband is not so good at talking about this stuff on the phone. He's out of town working right now. I won't see him again for 3 weeks. IRL, I could go and hug him, but over the phone, he tends to get distracted with telling me about his work, or his mountain biking, or ? whatever, and doesn't really ask me the right questions to let me know that he's "there". I tend to tune out a lot of the time when we talk on the phone. I will actually engage in the SI when we're on the phone, just because... well, it's kind of stressful to hear his happy voice, and know that if I tell him I'm hurting, he won't be able to understand it. He'll try and fix me, and when I'm not feeling better in three minutes, he'll get frustrated with himself and say "I'm not helping you at all. I'm just not good at talking on the phone" and then we end up arguing about talking on the phone. It sux.
> I often distract myself w/Babble then I fall
asleep. That helps. Thing of the matter is I guess, is that you need better ways to cope with the chaos that is within you, and that you are trying so hard to deny, cuz it scares you.That works sometimes. but not lately.
> So mebbe you could ask your T bout that.
> Sometimes I can get lost in a real good book.
> Or go somewhere I like to be.
> Or bake cookies for the homeless.
> Anything to distrcact.yeah (weak smile)
> ***Are they specific worries, or just general craziness?
> Have you tried thot stopping.
> When you looking in the mirror, say STOP, good and loud, and remove yourself from the room. Go phone someone or babble. Journaling can be good too.specific worries- well, mostly about anything. I worry about the SI, even as I do it. I worry that I might be getting sicker and sicker, even though I tell people I'm getting better. I worry that I'm not being honest enought with pdocs and T's to get the best care. I worry that I said or did the wrong thing at some point during the day. I worry that people will know how screwed up I am and judge me harshly etc. etc. (and I have about 2764 other concerns as well)
> ***sometimes visualization works for me. We goto a safe place in our heads. Somewhere that is nice for you to think of and is safe.
hmm. gotta think about that one for a while. maybe my bed? or in the cathedral? I'm not really feeling safe from MY OWN THOUGHTS or hands. Those go with me no matter what. damn.
> Thing of the matter is, your visiting some painful memeories that are bringing up a host of emotions.
> But emotions are just signals that there is something you need to deal with. And your T will help you sort stuff out.
> Your the same person you were last year. Kind and caring and funny. But like most of us you got hurts. You got real bad hurts. But they won't destroy you. They in the end, will make you stronger.
> Don't have to hide all the time Li.
> We like ALL of you.
> MuffledMuffled, you make me feel sad inside that I can't share this with my mom. I wish she could be here and help me. I wish she weren't part of my bad memories. I wish my husband were here to hug me or make me think about dinner. I wish I knew how to comfort myself. :( Okay. I gotta go cry now. I've been holding it in for almost a week. might as well spread my mascara on those nice high thread count pillowcases.
Posted by muffled on September 28, 2006, at 18:45:37
In reply to All kinds of triggers. *******beware!******** » muffled, posted by Lindenblüte on September 28, 2006, at 15:19:37
> > **what will happen if you have a big psychological crisis?
>
> I'm scared that I'll cut myself, or poison myself. I'm scared that I'll call my abusers and ask them whether they have any recollection of doing those awful things to me. I'm afraid that I'm going to break things and break myself. I'm afraid that I'll go so "crazy" that I'll never think of myself the same way again. I'm scared that I'll do something rash and break up the raft of toothpicks that passes for "family harmony" nowadays. I don't wanna be the one to destroy my mom and dad's newfound relationship; my brother's marriage or our recently developed tolerance for each other; my little brother's sense that we're all doing okay. I don't want to be the one to destroy all those dreams and hopes for my extended family.***Well,thats alot. And really, sh*t did happen. This is the fallout. Why do you suffer the consequences only? I dunno how this stuff works, so I can't say much, lest I say the wrong thing. But other than poisoning yourself, the rest is maybe not desirable, but not the end of the world either. Feels like it, but some stuff is inevitable.... I wonder, just how well is everybody doing? Or do you come from a family thats good at hiding stuff?
Kinda wonder bout that..... So if the raft of toothpicks breaks, don't matter who breaks it, its weak to start with...
So try not to spend so much time worrying bout going crazy. I been "crazy" a time or two. Been taken down by cops, hospitalized etc. And I still here, and my family don't hate me and stuff.I'm one of the mommies at school that people mostly like. Its like there's something in me that keeps me alive no matter what, no matter what crazy stuff I done. I think you have that in you too, protecting you. Thats how come you survived, and the part that protected your mind then, is still there to protect you. You are not alone inside in your battle. Other parts can and will help you just like they did before. Trust them just a bit. They taken you this far.
>
> That's what I'm afraid of-- that I'll do something in the interests of easing my psychological discomfort and create even bigger problems that must be solved.***Maybe you will, maybe you won't. Healing is a journey. Big problems will come up no matter what you do, and you will resolve them eventually. You have a lot of strenghth, and when you weaken and fall, you will rest, and get up again and fight onward, cuz thats the way you are.
>
> > > On the way back to work, I had some little episodes of triggers and these aversive exaggerated startle responses, but then I kind of ignored that after a while, and distracted myself from my feelings by playing on psychobabble all night long.
> >
> > ***Yeah, I do that too. Sometimes I even actually grunt with the effort to make the thots go away.
> > My T tells me emotions pass. I am getting better at realizing that. The problem is they keep comming back....
>
> these aren't even emotions. They almost feel like reflexes. It's exhausting to try to keep myself from reacting so strongly to innocent things that happen trigger me.*******Can you tell me more bout this if it don't bother you?
>
> > ***yep. That a long time.
> I know. Muffled. It's the worst ever, in terms of the length of it, and the degree to which I WANTED to stop but could not. Everywhere I went, every activity I did- I couldn't escape myself.
> Mostly numbing. Some of it is very ingrained- when I watch movies, ever since I was a kid, I'll bite or pick at my nails. It's just that lately, that extends to TV shows, and ... everything else...***Yeah, escaping yourself. I know bout that....but thats a diff. story for a diff. time.
Anyhow, I don't do that no more. I think somehow or other I doing better at keeping things from getting to the intensity they did before, so I no longer NEED to escape in that way. Mebbe get some stoner type drugs from p-doc? Dunno whether thats the best idea though....
>
> > Do you have anyone you can turn to irl, that you can say, I am really struggling right now, can you just be with me?
>
> probably not. I will have friends come over tonight for dinner and girls TV night (G. Anatomy) so that will help. I will try to set something up for this weekend. I just... I don't know how to predict when/if I'm going to have a problem like this. My husband is not so good at talking about this stuff on the phone. He's out of town working right now. I won't see him again for 3 weeks. IRL, I could go and hug him, but over the phone, he tends to get distracted with telling me about his work, or his mountain***Yeah, the phone SO does NOT work for me either. Tried w/T and it didn't work. Yeah, I did the si thing too on phone too.
Mebbe partly SI intensity increase is due to the fact that in some way you want to externalize the internal pain? To let it out as it were? I done that too.I often distract myself w/Babble then I fall
> asleep. That helps.
> That works sometimes. but not lately.
>
> > So mebbe you could ask your T bout that.
> > Sometimes I can get lost in a real good book.
> > Or go somewhere I like to be.
> > Or bake cookies for the homeless.
> > Anything to distrcact.
>
> yeah (weak smile)
>
> > ***Are they specific worries, or just general craziness?
> > Have you tried thot stopping.
> > When you looking in the mirror, say STOP, good and loud, and remove yourself from the room. Go phone someone or babble. Journaling can be good too.
>
> specific worries- well, mostly about anything. I worry about the SI, even as I do it.*** the best thing I did bout SI was STOP worrying about it so much. It was a coping mechanism that I had at the time, and it worked. I was careful bout it mostly. I'd get medical help if needed. I had to do SOMEthing. Better than some of my alternatives which were dangerous.
I worry that I might be getting sicker and sicker, even though I tell people I'm getting better. I worry that I'm not being honest enought with pdocs and T's to get the best care. I worry that I said or did the wrong thing at some point during the day. I worry that people will know how screwed up I am and judge me harshly etc. etc. (and I have about 2764 other concerns as well)
***Well, its proly gonna get harder b4 it gets better, and then there will be up and downs. And you may feel 'crazy'. Cuz you got some much to understand and feel and deal with. But you got us babblers, and your p-doc., and your T, and your hubby and mebbe some closer fiends.
You can only do the best you can do, and thats all. And f*ck all the other people who should DARE look at you differently. I think you may actually be surprized at how kind people can be. Seems most people got some kind of weird sh*t in their lives or another. I'm finding that more and more the older I get.
You just got a crazy big heap of stuff on your plate, and you getting overwhelmed.
Someone once told me, think of it as a baqnquet table loaded up. Just take what you can handl and leave the rest, you can go up for more later as you are able to digest what you taken already.(I proly screwed up the telling....)
>
> > ***sometimes visualization works for me. We goto a safe place in our heads. Somewhere that is nice for you to think of and is safe.
>
> hmm. gotta think about that one for a while. maybe my bed? or in the cathedral? I'm not really feeling safe from MY OWN THOUGHTS or hands. Those go with me no matter what. damn.***Thats how a safe place works, you don't even think in a safe place, there is just nothing...
>
> > Thing of the matter is, your visiting some painful memeories that are bringing up a host of emotions.
> > But emotions are just signals that there is something you need to deal with. And your T will help you sort stuff out.
> > Your the same person you were last year. Kind and caring and funny. But like most of us you got hurts. You got real bad hurts. But they won't destroy you. They in the end, will make you stronger.
> > Don't have to hide all the time Li.
> > We like ALL of you.
> > Muffled
>
> Muffled, you make me feel sad inside that I can't share this with my mom. I wish she could be here and help me. I wish she weren't part of my bad memories. I wish my husband were here to hug me or make me think about dinner. I wish I knew how to comfort myself. :( Okay. I gotta go cry now. I've been holding it in for almost a week. might as well spread my mascara on those nice high thread count pillowcases.***I wish you could find those inside kids. So adult Li could help them....
But its ok to cry and scream some....
Let them .
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Li))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Its gonna be ok, really it is.
Wish I could make you feel that somehow.
Muffled
Posted by Phillipa on September 28, 2006, at 19:28:56
In reply to Re: All kinds of triggers. *******beware!********, posted by muffled on September 28, 2006, at 18:45:37
Li maybe it would help to print out this thread and bring the parts about you with you to the t and let her read them. Easier on you the fist time. Then let her figure out a plan of action for you. Love Phillipa
Posted by Lindenblüte on September 28, 2006, at 23:41:37
In reply to Re: All kinds of triggers. *******beware!********, posted by muffled on September 28, 2006, at 18:45:37
> > > **what will happen if you have a big psychological crisis?
> >
> > I'm scared that I'll cut myself, or poison myself. I'm scared that I'll call my abusers and ask them whether they have any recollection of doing those awful things to me. I'm afraid that I'm going to break things and break myself. I'm afraid that I'll go so "crazy" that I'll never think of myself the same way again. I'm scared that I'll do something rash and break up the raft of toothpicks that passes for "family harmony" nowadays. I don't wanna be the one to destroy my mom and dad's newfound relationship; my brother's marriage or our recently developed tolerance for each other; my little brother's sense that we're all doing okay. I don't want to be the one to destroy all those dreams and hopes for my extended family.
>
> ***Well,thats alot. And really, sh*t did happen. This is the fallout. Why do you suffer the consequences only? I dunno how this stuff works, so I can't say much, lest I say the wrong thing. But other than poisoning yourself, the rest is maybe not desirable, but not the end of the world either. Feels like it, but some stuff is inevitable.... I wonder, just how well is everybody doing? Or do you come from a family thats good at hiding stuff?OMG- you have NO idea how good we are at hiding stuff. Dad was a political figure in a small southern town. Brother was Mr. Prom King/Class Prez. You figure it out!
> Kinda wonder bout that..... So if the raft of toothpicks breaks, don't matter who breaks it, its weak to start with...
It's weak, but it may be the only thing that keeps us together. (I'm kind of fond of everyone but my Dad. I might even love my little bro and my Mom. Still trying to figure that out)
I think you have that in you too, protecting you. Thats how come you survived, and the part that protected your mind then, is still there to protect you. You are not alone inside in your battle. Other parts can and will help you just like they did before. Trust them just a bit. They taken you this far.
> >
that's what my X-T said. He said I'm a fighter, that I've gotten this far, and done this well. I just have to remember that.
> > > > On the way back to work, I had some little episodes of triggers and these aversive exaggerated startle responses, but then I kind of ignored that after a while, and distracted myself from my feelings by playing on psychobabble all night long.> >
> > these aren't even emotions. They almost feel like reflexes. It's exhausting to try to keep myself from reacting so strongly to innocent things that happen trigger me.
>
> *******Can you tell me more bout this if it don't bother you?
Doesn't bother me any. Basically, it feels like I can't process the sensory information around me. It feels like it's a lot to handle and that everything is very very important and potentially dangerous. For instance, I have to cross the street this evening, and I had a really really awful afternoon. I had to really try hard to concentrate on whether the cars were coming towards me, and how many there were. Even as I was crossing, I had a feeling that I had mis-counted a car, and that I was about to be run over. I feel like I see little scary things in my peripheral vison, like a rat, or a bug. I feel like I hear an argument in the store, or on the bus or at work, and I feel like it's somehow about ME. Even though it's not. I see some tiny vignette, even from my peripheral vision, like maybe a mom holding her toddler's hand, and it brings back some memory of how I might have behaved in such a circumstance. Sometimes I step outside of my body, and I see the things I do, and I'm not happy about it. Like when I'm poking at my pores, and I imagine how nasty it would be to walk in on someone engaging in such an action, and it's utterly repulsive.Sometimes, I just have a feeling, like something bad is going to happen, and I have to concentrate really hard to hold myself together and not to scream or run. Sometimes I feel like I see something awful, like a rat, and I shudder, or have a spasm. Sometimes I recall a bad memory and I shut my eyes tightly and assume the fetal position instinctively -- a problem when I'm in public, huh?
> ***Yeah, the phone SO does NOT work for me either. Tried w/T and it didn't work. Yeah, I did the si thing too on phone too.
> Mebbe partly SI intensity increase is due to the fact that in some way you want to externalize the internal pain? To let it out as it were? I done that too.yes, I do that too. So, this afternoon, I'm trying to take a nap, but my mind will simply not let me fall asleep (okay, could have been the latte at noon, and the provigil this am...) but, I just wanted to fall asleep SO bad, just to dream perchance? And I couldn't and my brain started thinking of bad things that happened to me, some of which I haven't remembered in a long time. At some point, I realized that I was in a really bad situation. I had vivid fantasies of dismembering myself, and it seemed like a really pleasant escape from the current mental torture. I actually was smiling as I thought about ***I'm gonna censor this part*** really disturbing stuff.
I thought-- Okay, but I cannot do this. I agreed to make iced tea for the girls TV night. so, I had to go out to the store and buy some lemons. you know? priorities. couldn't lose face. MUST keep up a semblance of "keeping it all together". Well. I found a new way of SI. Kinda bad. I was holding my breath until I would pass out. I did this a few times as I lay all contorted in bed. What could be so bad about my emotions that this kind of brain damage is preferable? WHY do I do this sh*t. Seriously, it takes a lot to hold one's breath until near unconscious-ness. I have THAT kind of focus, but not the sense to FEEL these emotions that started peeping their heads through my conscious mind this afternoon. WTF?
> ***Well, its proly gonna get harder b4 it gets better, and then there will be up and downs. And you may feel 'crazy'. Cuz you got some much to understand and feel and deal with. But you got us babblers, and your p-doc., and your T, and your hubby and mebbe some closer fiends.
> You can only do the best you can do, and thats all. And f*ck all the other people who should DARE look at you differently. I think you may actually be surprized at how kind people can be. Seems most people got some kind of weird sh*t in their lives or another. I'm finding that more and more the older I get.
> You just got a crazy big heap of stuff on your plate, and you getting overwhelmed.
> Someone once told me, think of it as a baqnquet table loaded up. Just take what you can handl and leave the rest, you can go up for more later as you are able to digest what you taken already.(I proly screwed up the telling....)
> >
> > > ***sometimes visualization works for me. We goto a safe place in our heads. Somewhere that is nice for you to think of and is safe.
> >
> > hmm. gotta think about that one for a while. maybe my bed? or in the cathedral? I'm not really feeling safe from MY OWN THOUGHTS or hands. Those go with me no matter what. damn.
>
> ***Thats how a safe place works, you don't even think in a safe place, there is just nothing...muffled, I tried to find your cave this afternoon, but I forgot the way :(
> ***I wish you could find those inside kids. So adult Li could help them....
> But its ok to cry and scream some....
> Let them .
> (((((((((((((((((((((((((((Li))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
> Its gonna be ok, really it is.
> Wish I could make you feel that somehow.
> Muffled
>It's not that I don't believe I have inside kids, it's just that I don't want to listen to them. It's always hard to listen to the victims. They are demanding, they are hurting. It's much easier to listen to the oppressor. [he] can just pretend that everything is fine, that none of this stuff ever happened and make you wonder what is real and what is make-believe.
I just can't let them out yet. I don't have a fence built to keep them out of trouble. I don't have a way to let them play without killing each other, or me. I don't have a way to get to know them yet. I don't know their language. I worked so hard to forget it. :(
((((Muff))))
I'm sorry all this is so nasty. I'm a wilted Linden Blossom. I dunno if Spring will ever come back to me.
:(
Posted by Lindenblüte on September 28, 2006, at 23:49:38
In reply to Re: All kinds of triggers. *******beware!********, posted by Phillipa on September 28, 2006, at 19:28:56
Hi Phillipa,
I'm not ready to share with her how much I'm hurting inside. That is very scary to me. That's what makes me more vulnerable to hurt, you know?I will when I'm ready. Meanwhile. I'll just? do my best. What else can I do? been playing this game for a long time now. Nobody knows the rules better than I do.
-Li
Posted by Gee on September 29, 2006, at 7:23:09
In reply to Re: » Phillipa, posted by Lindenblüte on September 28, 2006, at 23:49:38
Posted by muffled on September 29, 2006, at 12:07:00
In reply to Re: All kinds of triggers. *******beware!******** » muffled, posted by Lindenblüte on September 28, 2006, at 23:41:37
Hey Li,
Its hard.
Y'know, you DON'T have to keep up appearances y'know.
You got alot to deal with.
I am in the midst of a anxiety thing at the moment and am rocking and I feel like puking, but I just wanted to say, if yuou feel too bad. its okimto got hosp. for a bit. better to self admit than get committed in there. Hosp, is just a place where youy cxan relax and process stuff in a safe place. If you really freaking they can give you meds to get over the hump. You don't need to be freaking at home alone.
I ghoto go cuz I feel kinda bad. But REALLY I recommend hosp. as a break. Really do. Its not bad or shamer ful or nothing. You are not superwoman. GIVE YOURSELF a break and go just for a wekk or so.
Take special care,
Muffled
Sorry if theres typos or mistakes or something goto go NOW.
Bye
Posted by Lindenblüte on September 29, 2006, at 16:12:50
In reply to Re: All kinds of triggers. *******beware!******** » Lindenblüte, posted by muffled on September 29, 2006, at 12:07:00
I saw T today,
She said we're just gonna take our time and see how things unfold. Sometimes we'll deal with dissertation and work issues, sometimes with recent personal issues, and we'll just let the rest of it happen as it happens.She didn't ever once ask about my "feelings" which was refreshing. I felt like I got to tell my story without worrying about whether I was doing the right thing and "feeling".
I told her about my unpleasant anxiety, and about my hours of instability yesterday and the day before. She didn't freak out or anything. She just asked me more questions about my background- my relationships, my work, my history etc.
I "feel" okay, Muffled. Your concern for me is really touching. I feel good that you were thinking of me.
I'm not going to need to go to the hospital for the time being. I'll be okey dokey.
I can do this.
hope you're doing okey dokey today?
Posted by Phillipa on September 29, 2006, at 19:19:55
In reply to Saw my newT again today but not my salamander » muffled, posted by Lindenblüte on September 29, 2006, at 16:12:50
Glad your session went well. And it sounds like this T knows when enough is enough to handle at a time. No the hospital doesn't do anything but keep you busy so you don't have time to think. I don't recomment it unless you're actively suicidal with a plan. Love Phillipa
Posted by muffled on September 29, 2006, at 21:41:53
In reply to Re: Saw my newT again today but not my salamander » Lindenblüte, posted by Phillipa on September 29, 2006, at 19:19:55
Posted by Lindenblüte on September 30, 2006, at 9:24:05
In reply to so...whats with the salamander???????????????/ (nm), posted by muffled on September 29, 2006, at 21:41:53
Posted by muffled on September 30, 2006, at 9:26:59
In reply to newT = newt not salaMANder. (nm) » muffled, posted by Lindenblüte on September 30, 2006, at 9:24:05
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 16, 2006, at 15:48:18
In reply to Re: All kinds of triggers. *******beware!******** » muffled, posted by Lindenblüte on September 28, 2006, at 23:41:37
I just remembered something funny my oldT said.
I asked him 4 sessions before terminating how long this thing [therapy] takes. He laughed and said, well, I don't think you are going to need long-term therapy, it that's what you're worried about.
And then 3 sessions before terminating, I tried to end the session early, and asked, how much longer do we have? He said well, for today, I guess we're done, but this omelet still has a few more hours in the oven
And then 2 sessions before terminating, I told him all about my childhood abuse and the flashbacks I was getting, and the way that reading my pediatric medical record had triggered me. About how hard it was to tell him about this stuff, because I'm afraid of men-- that they will physically hurt me. Lots of crying in that session. Then he gave me a referral for my newT
The last session, he said- you know- this is a long-term project, right?
lol
I had him fooled. I think maybe he suspected I was witholding some stuff, but I don't think he had any idea that a) I was "abused" or whatever as a child or that b) I found his presence terrifying, and that anticipating my sessions was like awaiting the executioner. I'm sure he noticed my anxiety, but he probably just thought I was a scaredy cat! haha- did he know I had a complete anxiety attack one time right in front of him? I'm such an actress...
Keep in mind. oldT was a very good, very experienced T. haha. joke's on my abusers.
Giucoco Delle Coppie
That's a different dance for every client-T couple. Just listen to Bartok's Concerto for Orchestra II mvmt.
-Li
This is the end of the thread.
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