Posted by Lindenblüte on September 28, 2006, at 13:25:22
In reply to how to find a T? » Phillipa, posted by Lindenblüte on September 28, 2006, at 8:32:14
Hi All,
Well, I had to kind of shut down my feelings altogether to avert psychological crisis last weekend when I was inbetween T's.Now I have a new T, and I like her just fine. I told her a lot of stuff, and I guess my ex-T filled her in too, because she knew a lot of the right questions to ask.
Well, I didn't quite turn on my feelings with her. I only allowed myself to cry once, very briefly, and otherwise, I had my happy-go-lucky face on.
On the way back to work, I had some little episodes of triggers and these aversive exaggerated startle responses, but then I kind of ignored that after a while, and distracted myself from my feelings by playing on psychobabble all night long.
Well, I also did something else to distract myself. I had the longest ever SI binge of my life. It lasted almost 3 hours.
*********Self-Injury triggers below**************
I didn't do a lot of damage, which is good, but I attacked every single cuticle with scissors and a nail file and clippers. now they are all red and sore and scabby. I attacked both of the sores on my ears, that haven't really healed since June, because I keep on picking the scabs. I have place on my face where there has been a crusty or a scab for at least 2 weeks, because I won't ever let it heal. I should wear a band-aid, but instead, I cover it with concealer in public and pickypicky in private. The worst is that I *knew* exactly what I was doing and why, and I felt so disgusting, but I couldn't help but run around the house and find a pin to poke at my pores with, or the tweezers to grab some little particle of hangnail. And the knowledge that I have to spend an extra 15 minutes on my makeup today, because my face is full of ouchy blotchys from my rampage.
I just want another way to make the worries in my head calm down, but once I get started on this stuff, I can't hardly help it. I have two big triggers. 1) the bathroom vanity- bright lights and big clogged pores. 2) the couch. TV is interesting, but my nails are even better entertainment.
I just want to tune out. go away for a while. Why does it always come back to haunt me the next morning?
-Li
poster:Lindenblüte
thread:689465
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060926/msgs/689947.html