![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 22 to 46 of 46. Go back in thread:
Posted by annierose on September 3, 2006, at 21:43:47
In reply to off track » llrrrpp, posted by ElaineM on September 3, 2006, at 16:12:04
You should be here. I'm glad you reached out to us. I hope you can find a professional therapist who can truly help you. Part of your confussion it your "therapist's" fault. He more than crossed a professional boundary.
Don't blame any of that relationship on yourself. It's his responsibility. He messed up --- BIG TIME!
Posted by caraher on September 3, 2006, at 21:54:41
In reply to off track » llrrrpp, posted by ElaineM on September 3, 2006, at 16:12:04
Hey El,
No need to apologize for having my name in the subject line! I'll have more to say later when I have some time, but you're not stupid, and if you read other threads you'll find some of the wisest people here have huge blind spots when it comes to themselves! You're little worse than any of us in that regard!
(((El)))
Posted by llrrrpp on September 4, 2006, at 9:15:22
In reply to whoa!! can we switch tracks?, posted by llrrrpp on September 3, 2006, at 9:28:04
Elaine,
Don't be ashamed of your thoughts and feelings. The reason why I pointed out your train of thought is because it's so human. It's SO universal. Just take out the specifics, and my mind goes through that chain of thought ALL the time. El, you're not psycho, it's just that your mind is doing it's best to make sense of a situation that is simply too much to bear. It's often easier for an outside observer to figure out these little patterns.Just because it's human and natural to be feeling the way you are at any moment during this thread doesn't make it easy. You're really hurting, Elaine, and it's hard to watch a friend hurting like you are. I hope you get a change in scenery soon. A fresh perspective, a new toehold.
You're trying SO hard to get help. You've been making appointments, keeping us up to date. Even when you're at your worst, you're still a wonderful person. I hope you'll stick around babble. You're doing the best you can with what you've got, and that's all that anybody can ever expect from you. (((((El)))))
-ll
Posted by ElaineM on September 4, 2006, at 20:48:28
In reply to Re: me's » ElaineM, posted by muffled on September 3, 2006, at 18:29:07
>>>And nothing makes sense. And you forget lots of stuff. And some stuff you completely miss.
That happens alot. It sounds like you understand my head a little. Usually though, I not only don't know where my emotions come from, I don't recognize having them in the first place. I am blank alot of the time. I have some happy memories from when I was a child (it was not ALL only bad, my grandparents we godsends), but I stopped feeling anything that resembled happiness or enjoyment, certainly pleasure, a long time ago. I tend to only register sadness and fear.
I really only very recently learned to turn myself on again enough to recognize that I can have caring feelings for others -- and that some people are good, and worthy of being cared for. It took me almost three years straight of basically living with LadyT and the other Staff to realize that they were dear to me. The hard thing is that it turned on my ability to not only recognize pain in myself, but also in others. And I find empathy absolutely overwhelming. For me, seeing pain in others hurts even more than when its only within me. I guess cause I think I'm bad a worhty of suffering, but others are good and deserve comfort.
So when I'm confronted with someone talking about Love I'm almost panicky. I have no point of reference. I don't understand. It's like someone speaking gibberish and expecting you to say something insightful and heartfelt back, when I don't even get what the h*ll is being said.
I don't really know why I'm saying all this. But don't feel like you don't help enough. You are precious and I wish I could respond better to you. I wish my mind was not so confused. I wish my heart was understandable. I wish my past was more normal. I wish my words made more sense, and flowed easier. But I'm thankful for you and support. always.
b-love, EL
Posted by ElaineM on September 4, 2006, at 23:16:53
In reply to Re: whoa!! can we switch tracks? » llrrrpp, posted by llrrrpp on September 4, 2006, at 9:15:22
Yes, too much to take. I think i'm having a nervous breakdown. So i'm going to go to lunch tomorrow. And whatever sessions i can get to - cause i don't know what else to do. i have to do what i know. what i'm used to. And as effed up as it sounds, i can't be feeling this unstable alone. even though he's kind of the cause, i want his help. i am way too frantic inside. I'm embarassing myself in posts. I'm triggering myself, bringing up a buried issue I only spoke of very surface-ly with ladyT. I've lost any strength I had: my doctor, my other emotional contact is gone. controlling the SI is gone -- gone after so much progress :-( therapy is somewhat gone -- or completely or what. even my dysfunctional ED is gone. I don't even have that! I've lost everything.
Whatever. i don't care anymore - my tears are done. either this will fix itself, or what happens will happen. Though i'm probably gonna lose my mind first. You've probably kept me saner longer (ie.above: annierose, caraher, LL). it is hard to go through this alone -- with no one to tell me "don't worry. i made it through the same." (at least I had that with the anorexia) But even psych woman and ladydoc had never known another patient in this situation. It is so very lonely. I've never felt sooo alone. I can taste it. Not that i would ever wish anyone else the same confusion (but i think you know what I mean). ((((((those who identify))))))) - that's all.
what is going to happen to me :-( I can't take it. I can't stop shaking my head. there is no outcome of this that will not hurt. this is going to break me.
Posted by muffled on September 5, 2006, at 0:37:26
In reply to Re: me's » muffled, posted by ElaineM on September 4, 2006, at 20:48:28
> >>>And nothing makes sense. And you forget lots of stuff. And some stuff you completely miss.
>
> That happens alot. It sounds like you understand my head a little. Usually though, I not only don't know where my emotions come from, I don't recognize having them in the first place. I am blank alot of the time. I have some happy memories from when I was a child (it was not ALL only bad, my grandparents we godsends), but I stopped feeling anything that resembled happiness or enjoyment, certainly pleasure, a long time ago. I tend to only register sadness and fear.***I lost my emotions for awhile too. I remember looking out the window and wondering, when was the last time I laughed, or cried, or was happy. Everything Ishowed to the world was a put on show. To try and appear as if I was normal , when I knew I wasn't...
Yeah, I used to get SOOOOOOOOOOOO scared, cuz I'd get this choking feeling in my throat, and I would be afraid to go to sleep, cuz I was afraid it would get worse, and I'd run out of air completely before I could summon some help, and they would find me dead. It turns out that the choking feeling was sadness. I didn't figger it out until many years later...
I was afraid to be happy. Cuz when you get happy you get hurt....or so I thot. I now have figgered thats another wrong thing I thot.
It does sound like you may be dissociative. And there's nothing wrong with that. It can be frustrating cuz of the blanks, but it does help at times. And eventually as things getr better you will blank less.
>
> I really only very recently learned to turn myself on again enough to recognize that I can have caring feelings for others -- and that some people are good, and worthy of being cared for. It took me almost three years straight of basically living with LadyT and the other Staff to realize that they were dear to me. The hard thing is that it turned on my ability to not only recognize pain in myself, but also in others. And I find empathy absolutely overwhelming. For me, seeing pain in others hurts even more than when its only within me. I guess cause I think I'm bad a worhty of suffering, but others are good and deserve comfort.***I too had the problem of caring bout others and stressing myself out. My T has been trying to explain to me as how you can 'come alongside' someone in their pain. But you don't take on their pain, cuz that don't help them any, and hurts yourself.
I STILL have a problem with letting anyone close to me.
You have many wrong words playing in your head.
Can you say NO!!! to the ones you recognize as possibly untrue and unkind to yourself?
Sometimes writing down the stuff you say to yourself, and then refuting it on paper helps(in small doses!).
>
> So when I'm confronted with someone talking about Love I'm almost panicky. I have no point of reference. I don't understand. It's like someone speaking gibberish and expecting you to say something insightful and heartfelt back, when I don't even get what the h*ll is being said.***Yeah, THAT word. The L-word. Had a lotta probs with that too. think lotsa people do. Its a very problematic word.
>
> I don't really know why I'm saying all this. But don't feel like you don't help enough. You are precious and I wish I could respond better to you. I wish my mind was not so confused. I wish my heart was understandable. I wish my past was more normal. I wish my words made more sense, and flowed easier. But I'm thankful for you and support. always.***Don't worry bout me. Typing this stuff to you reinforces it to myownself.
You respond just fine. I thank you for keeping in touch.
I think your words are fine. How can you write coherant words when you can scarcely form a coherant thot?
I wonder if some meds to slow things down for you and give you a bit of a break might help?
The latest thing round here seems to be seroquel. I've heard good stuff bout it. Helps people to think more clearly, reduces anxiety.
If you are feeling really desparate, is there any chance you could admit yourself(always better to self admit than to be comitted),to hosp. to get stabilized? I dunno what hosps. are like in your area. seems to vary quite a bit.
See, you don't strike me at all as a seriously disturbed person, just a person who needs some help and stabilization to get thru this rough patch at this time.
I hope you are more successful with the new T, or whatever happens.
Keep plugging away. The system sucks where I am. But you just goto try and get the right person to help you.
You can find another good T.
I don't think you need to say bout who present T is.
Just the situation is all. And how you feel bout it and stuff.
I think you been doing very well.
Honestly.
Its a tough situ. your in.
And please do give us the honor of sharing your burden just alittle bit.
Because you ARE worthy El.
Really.
And don't let the nasty voice say otherwise, or I gonna have to come and kick Nastys *ss. Cuz El is OK. Nastyvoice is just plain nasty and dishonest.
Take care El.
Muffled
Posted by llrrrpp on September 5, 2006, at 7:37:12
In reply to Re: me's, posted by muffled on September 5, 2006, at 0:37:26
Hi Elaine,
I'm so sorry that things are so hard for you right now. Keep going to your sessions with "T". Keep writing to us, and reading our replies. Keep waking up, taking a shower, eating your meals, keeping your appointments, and getting some rest. Keep the rhythms of your life going, even though they're a little off tempo, and you lost track of the tune.Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You may stumble, but you've always been able to pick yourself up, because you're stronger than you realize.
I'm so sorry that your posts have been triggering you. If it helps to write about safe stuff for a while, that's okay too. There's no right or wrong stuff to write about on babble. I talk about all kinds of junk, just so that I know people will hear me.
You're not alone, Elaine. I'm sorry that there's no one walking ahead of you for you to follow. That would make it easier right now, but in the end, I think you'll be happier that you make your own path.
Your path not a lonely one. It is big enough for Babble and anyone else you invite to walk with you. We'll hold your hand and keep up a lively conversation. We'll cry with you when you're hurting, and we'll cheer you on when you want to sit down and never get up again. And when you're not happy with your path, we can help give you the courage to look around the landscape and try a new direction. Sometimes one of your walking-buddies might be too distracting or hurtful to help you anymore, so it's okay to say "good-bye". You're strong enough to do it too.
step-step-step. Time will go forward, and you're on your way to your future. You can't even see the outcome yet, so just do the best you can for the time being, that's all anyone can ask of you, that's all that you could expect from yourself.
I'm going to babble-mail you some nice new sneakers for your journey: They are snug, cushy and have the kind of bouncy sole that gives you even more energy than you thought you had. They have little lights to show you the way in the dark, and if you need to be really quiet and discreet, they will make your footsteps silent. This helps you get past the scary bits. Oh, and sometimes when it's steep or slippery, you can get down on your butt and slide down the slope. No shame in using all 4 limbs! (Who was writing about this on the S.Esteem board?)
What's your favorite color(s)? lace up, tie? or slip on? smooth tread, or trail tread? do you like reflectors, mesh inserts, suede, air bubbles, springs, gels inserts? Custom fit to your desire!
yours,
-ll
mine are grey mesh and suede, with lilac accents, laces, reflector stripes in kind of a web-like pattern, and trail tread in black and purple. Air. with soft heel, snug midfoot, arch support and room to wiggle my toes.
What
Posted by muffled on September 5, 2006, at 9:31:54
In reply to you're not alone, posted by llrrrpp on September 5, 2006, at 7:37:12
Beautiful in so many ways.
Posted by happyflower on September 5, 2006, at 18:02:47
In reply to Re:(((LLrrrpp)))(((El))) » llrrrpp, posted by muffled on September 5, 2006, at 9:31:54
Hi Elaine,
First of all much hugs to you. I just have to say that with all your pain you are going through, you amaze me at all the things you say to other babblers. You are smart and a very caring person and I am glad to know you even if it is just on Babble.
And second, I think if my T was less than what he is , I could of just as easy been in the same situation . As much as I might have fantazised about being in the same situation with my T , I am glad it didn't happen. I have another ex-babbler friend who is going through a lot of the same thing as you with her T. Seeing all the hurt you and my other friend is going through, I am glad it isn't happening to me.
Please take care of yourself, you are not alone, really, I think most of us babblers see a part of us in you. You will be okay.
Love,
Happyflower
Posted by ElaineM on September 5, 2006, at 22:08:04
In reply to you're not alone, posted by llrrrpp on September 5, 2006, at 7:37:12
LL, that was truly one of the lovliest things I've ever read.
I would like happy pink slip-ons -- easier to get in and out of. Shoes that think they might be slippers. With springs in the heels to let me feel like I'm dancing even when I can't.
(((((((lurp)))))))))
I feel that, today at least, I am sneaking by the scary parts, like you said -- hands over my ears, eyes closed, singing lalala. As dumb as it sounds, I need a break from being so scared and anxious. I need to go back to being ignorant for awhile. I like to hope that what's coming next won't be as bad as I'm fearing. There seems to be a flow of events happening, that has a mind of its own, and I don't have the energy to do anything more than float along with it. I just don't have enough left.
And, yes, I think I'm going to leave the "triggering" issue behind - or try to. I don't need more on my mind at the moment. If I wasn't ready to deal with it before, I know I'm definately not now. So I'm trying to forget IT -- again. (I'll never mention it by not mentioning it, so much again)
I think when you stop struggling, it hurts less. I was very good coming out of our time together today -- when usually I would probably have spewed out a too-personal, ridiculously long, word for word for action, post. I mean, it'll probably coming blabbing out tomorrow or the next day, but for now I am numb-er. And I think that's okay. And T's going to help me work on getting rid of anxiety, because it's off the charts lately, and very noticeable.
I'm glad labour day is over. It's too hard moving Mon's meeting to Tues -- too close to Wed. Too squished together. But I am calm so tomorrow will be fine, and everything will be okay. And you'll still be here. And everyone will still be here.
Blove, EL
Posted by ElaineM on September 5, 2006, at 23:03:45
In reply to Re: me's, posted by muffled on September 5, 2006, at 0:37:26
***I too had the problem of caring bout others and stressing myself out. My T has been trying to explain to me as how you can 'come alongside' someone in their pain. But you don't take on their pain, cuz that don't help them any, and hurts yourself.
>>I don't think I understand that part. I've heard that phrase about "not taking on" another's pain, and my head doesn't get it. I think I need to give and receive tears. Nothing but tears are enough for me -- like I need them to validate my suffering or something. Seeing LadyT have a tear in her eye was like having a wound start to heal. I think that's why my T now changed to be more overt -- it is what I always ask for. I'm not trying to take blame, I'm just saying that I always ask for emotional proof.
***I think your words are fine. How can you write coherant words when you can scarcely form a coherant thot? I wonder if some meds to slow things down for you and give you a bit of a break might help?
I'm going to either take dissolving ativan, or something else. He said I have to fill the prescription myself cause I don't think docs are allowed to look like they are writing their own prescriptions. But it's supposed to work faster than regular stuff -- which hasn't worked enough for me in the past. I'm scared of pills though (EDpdoc wanted me to try seroquel after I finished mega-dosing on prozac but I said I was done with meds) -- plus i've tried a bunch of different things and they said I seem somewhat resistant to regular doses. Maybe I don't have anything chemical to treat, I don't know. Anyways, I'll try the different ativan, or the other thing. I don't care which.
***If you are feeling really desparate, is there any chance you could admit yourself(always better to self admit than to be comitted),to hosp. to get stabilized?
>>>I don't think I'd ever do that -- they're too scary here. But today T did the most wonderful thing. He found me a new doctor! (((T))), (((doctors)))). I was so scared not to have one, and sooooo sad losing LadyDoc, who I loved and trusted. And he talked to his colleague (who already has a full practice) and asked if I could have a spot. T said that's he's sent two other patients to this physician, and that he thinks of him very highly. I'm a little scared cause it's not a lady but I am so grateful. I needed one badly. And now if I go see CC once more I can tell her not to worry about me not having one, cause now I do.
Muff, you are amazing. You are so friendly and easy to talk with. I'm glad I have met you.
EL
Posted by ElaineM on September 5, 2006, at 23:25:21
In reply to (((((Elaine))))), posted by happyflower on September 5, 2006, at 18:02:47
Happy, thanks so much for saying that. It's kinda horrifying to feel so seperate. It means alot for you to tell me that you know someone else going through this -- I kinda wish I knew her. And I hope me saying all that doesn't sound like I'm glad to hear another is suffering the same way -- that's the last thing I'd ever feel. I've just never felt so alienated. I want to cry for her. (((((((((Happy's ex-B friend))))))))) When she is sad tell her that I care about her even though I don't know who she is.
I can't say much about fantasizing about T's. I would never say not to -- it's not wrong. There's not much I could say on the subject without sounding like a big fat hypocrite though -- I don't have enough perspective right now. I guess I'd just say to be careful with your heart...and your mind [though that ends up sounding a little dumb too :-) ]
Thanks for speaking to me. Reading your post makes me feel a tiny bit stronger.
EL
Posted by llrrrpp on September 6, 2006, at 8:27:11
In reply to Re: you're not alone » llrrrpp, posted by ElaineM on September 5, 2006, at 22:08:04
> LL, that was truly one of the lovliest things I've ever read.
El, I was inspired, because I was writing it to a lovely person. :o)
> I would like happy pink slip-ons -- easier to get in and out of. Shoes that think they might be slippers. With springs in the heels to let me feel like I'm dancing even when I can't.
no problem- they're feather weight, cushy and soft, and they have springs in the heels that make you want to do a Viennese Waltz.
>But I am calm so tomorrow will be fine, and >everything will be okay. And you'll still be >here. And everyone will still be here.Yeah, sometimes we've just got to go with the current and let it take us. I'm with you, in my grey/silver and lilac sneakers. Tomorrow's going to be okay, and the day after that too. I hope you can get some rest today.
Sending calming "peace-out" vibes to you, babble-buddy,
~~~~~~~~~aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa~~~~~~~~~~
That was a deep exhalation. Purge the stale air in the bottom of your lungs and breathe in the new crisp September.
peace,
-ll
Posted by ElaineM on September 6, 2006, at 22:31:16
In reply to Re: you're not alone » ElaineM, posted by llrrrpp on September 6, 2006, at 8:27:11
I SI'd today. It's not bad. I'm not so upset about it now - it's helping me stay calmer. I have an extra session tomorrow with T cause he's worried that I'm having major anxiety. He said I haven't been this bad since when I first came to see him. So I'm meeting him tomorrow too.
But tomorrow is also the day I either cancel or keep my appointment with CC. I want to back out. Cause I'm just plain old scared, and that it will be too painful to show up just to say "Thanks for listening to the worst of me. I'm off again on my own now." I'm afraid I'll say to her, "Please don't leave me.", when I know that there's no way she can keep me. But I'm also paranoid because I think T can tell what's going on. He's acting strange, like he knows something is up. I even told him that he seemed weird today, and he said, "Really? Why do you think that is?" I don't know. Do you think he can tell I've been speaking?
I'm also worried that she will have a referral for me. I know I asked for it, but if she ended up not being able to find one, then that would make it so much easier of a decision for me. But then, I want to go because I'm lonely, and she was nice.
The way I SI makes me think of LadyDoc. It makes me feel like she is with me. I don't get it. (?) But I have to not do it two days in a row, because then it's a pattern, and not just a slip. Stopping. I don't what's worse for me tomorrow though, working on stopping, or being paranoid-anxious.
Not really asking anything. Just typing to make myself sleepy. So shaky. .... five minutes since I last looked.... (sigh)
EL
Posted by llrrrpp on September 6, 2006, at 22:43:26
In reply to Tomorrow *** SI, posted by ElaineM on September 6, 2006, at 22:31:16
Hang in there honey.
go to the appt. with CC. You'll feel better you did. If you don't, you'll always wonder...And no, your "T" cannot tell. he's not omniscient. He doesn't even know that he's hurting you, for God's sake. He doesn't even know that you don't love him. how could he know what's on your mind.
And so what if you go see a CC? If he were doing the right thing, he would have no problem with that. And if he's not doing the right thing---- well, isn't it time that you find someone who will?
Hugs and strength to you. keep your pink shoes nearby, in case you need to take a quick walk around the block to get your mind off the SI.
Anxiety. yes. but it's not forever. It's always like this right before it gets better.
-ll
Posted by ElaineM on September 6, 2006, at 23:23:54
In reply to Re: Tomorrow *** SI » ElaineM, posted by llrrrpp on September 6, 2006, at 22:43:26
Yes, you are the second to say to go. I will try and not cancel it tomorrow. Actually, I'm afraid that if I don't end up crying, I'll start swearing like a madwoman. I've felt like it all day. Not at her though -- just as punctuation. I would like to see her again -- it's dumb to not go because she's so nice that I'd rather NOT have to never see her again. I should go. Friday. yes, I'm gonna try.
Tomorrow shouldn't be bad. Because of labour day, and including Friday, it will be the first time I've had four sessions back to back. It is hard. But we're just gonna listen to music and sit together cause tomorrow's an extra. So I guess that'll be fine. or whatever.
I sorta knew that him acting differently was just a coincidence, but I do get that paranoid "what if" feeling. Silly.
I'm finding that I'm kind of in a no-win situation regarding posting here. When I post closer to everything, I always end up feeling embarassed and regretting it later. But lately, the gap between what happens and what I post has been widening, and for some reason, that makes me feel bad too. Bad's probably not the right word. Maybe I feel like I'm hiding. I don't know.
......okay, i've got to try to sleep at some point.
Thanks LL.
Posted by muffled on September 6, 2006, at 23:48:07
In reply to Re: Tomorrow » llrrrpp, posted by ElaineM on September 6, 2006, at 23:23:54
Ya , do hope you go to cc El.
You need to widen your circle.
You need a more impartial T.
Please get external help beyond your current T El.
You can keep your current T.
You don't got to 'turn him in', or anything.
You just need someone more neutral is all.
SI is ok. Just be safe about it.
Try to get some calmness out of present injuries by looking at them. Sometimes new ones are not neccessary if you can look at fresh ones.
And of course there's the old, 'hold the icecube till it hurts thing'.
You can also babblemail, with caution, for support.
The thing about the board which is nice, is that there's lotsa people reading, and if a post or reply seems to be going off track somehow, usu. someone will speak up at some point.
Cuz your situation with your T has shown you how too insular a relationship can cause problems.
You don't need to feel you need to hide stuff from us.
I hope you don't feel we are judging you somehow, cuz we not.
You do not need to feel ashamed.
We all proly got our stuff that we feel embarrassed of. I sure as hell do.
But the thing is that here, with us on the board, we got no particular vested interest in what goes on for you, other than we care cuz we got our own sh*t and understand. And all this stuff helps us too. And now we gotten to know you some, we like you.
So of course there is absolutely no obligation to write anything but what you wish to share.
But I also think, being as isolated as you are, we can be a valuable sounding board for you.
Please take special care El.
This too shall pass.
Muffled
Posted by caraher on September 7, 2006, at 8:18:25
In reply to Re: Tomorrow » llrrrpp, posted by ElaineM on September 6, 2006, at 23:23:54
(((El)))
Please go! I can't put it any better than ll did... if T is good he won't mind you seeing CC, if not you need to see CC for good advice and contact with someone who cares and can help.
Don't apologize for posting... we love you and need to hear how you're doing!
(((El)))
Posted by llrrrpp on September 7, 2006, at 8:39:01
In reply to Re: Tomorrow » llrrrpp, posted by ElaineM on September 6, 2006, at 23:23:54
Hey El,
We're just here to provide support. I don't want to contribute to you're feeling guilty about not living up to your "promises" that you make on this board, or whatever. Just do the best job that you can. Don't worry about embarrassing yourself. I've never judged you or thought you were a psycho, loser, or any other thing you may be concerned about. I think you're a wonderful woman. Smart, kind, brave, expressive, and passionate.Okay, so you're a little fragile and delicate, but you're also strong and brave, like a songbird who can survive the winter, and who can soar high into the sky all by yourself.
Please try and keep the appt today. Even if the CC is "too nice", even if she may have a referral for you. I know it's scary, but you'll be okay. Be strong, El. You're braver than you realize.
And if you curse or cry or whatever, who cares? I think she's seen a LOT worse than you. Just imagine... she barely knows you, and she wants to help you out. That means a lot, and I hope that you can take it to heart.
We're here for you. please let us know what happens. remember, you're just human. It's okay to admit that everything is just too overwhelming sometimes. You've been through a lot.
-ll
(got your sneakers on? let's get going! I don't like this place much, let's see what's over the next hill)
Posted by ElaineM on September 7, 2006, at 11:09:30
In reply to Re: Tomorrow » ElaineM, posted by llrrrpp on September 7, 2006, at 8:39:01
muffly, caraher, LL - you are lovely, always helping :-) I didn't cancel my time yet, and I'm going to leave for T soon, so by the time I will get back it'll be too late to back out (they need 24hours notice). So, I WILL see her after my session tomorrow.
I haven't SI -- more like a version of the ice-cube thing muff mentioned (I had no idea other people had half-coping alternatives like that too :-) Really, I did not expect to find support with that issue too - I didn't think it was as common).
I am okay to have my session today. Your speaking to me helps. I carry you words with me, and I kind of use the idea of you all to make me feel accountable, and to let me feel like somebody would notice whatever decisions I make and fight to live by. It's too hard to try when you feel like, Whatever, no one would give a d@mn, or even notice if I self-destruct. So, I suppose I use you for that, and hope that I'm not asking too much. And when a person knows more, I'm always thankful that they are strong enough, and kind enough to hear me.
I'm trying to learn to not feel guilty for not revealing everything, and recognize that everyone probably holds something back. It doesn't mean I'm hiding my badness to be worthy of support -- just keeping some stuff to myself, off screen.
Today feels like the eye of the storm -- pink shoes and word hugs and unbroken skin. But at least I've made the decision to go tomorrow -- at least that's decided. And I'll have one more day of speaking in-person to a lovely shadow of LadyT.
EL
Posted by happyflower on September 7, 2006, at 14:23:16
In reply to i'm sure, posted by ElaineM on September 7, 2006, at 11:09:30
I am glad you are going! ;-) It will be hard, but you have overcome so much, so it isn't something you can't do. (((((Elaine)))) Keep writting to us, we will support you. You are doing the right thing.
Posted by ElaineM on September 7, 2006, at 22:06:55
In reply to Re: i'm sure, posted by happyflower on September 7, 2006, at 14:23:16
Thanks HF. That's what I try and tell myself even when I feel the opposite. Kinda like, if you say it enough times you'll believe it. I survived today. Stuff happened, but nothing I can't handle. I'm really trying to live by the "go with the flow" idea. And trying to relish the calmness while it lasts. The only confusing thing is, when I have sessions that don't leave me spiraling in anxiety, I forget what I'm doing all this for (not that I'm doing much).... I'm still going to CC tomorrow and all. Just blabbing.
You know, you are just radiating happy vibes lately -- more than normal. It's almost contageous ;-)
EL
Posted by happyflower on September 8, 2006, at 5:44:18
In reply to Re: i'm sure » happyflower, posted by ElaineM on September 7, 2006, at 22:06:55
Posted by muffled on September 8, 2006, at 9:44:54
In reply to Thinking of you today Elaine((((E))))) (nm), posted by happyflower on September 8, 2006, at 5:44:18
Posted by llrrrpp on September 8, 2006, at 10:17:11
In reply to Ya me too El. Take care. (((El))) (nm), posted by muffled on September 8, 2006, at 9:44:54
This is the end of the thread.
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