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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Sixsecrets on March 30, 2006, at 18:01:16
I am very sad. I see a psychologist. I take Effexor, Ativan and Zopiclone. I have tried suicide once and almost achieved the big check out, but I had forgotten I had a lunch date and he came looking for me and found me unconscious and a trip to the ER ensued. I have tried everything to make the pain go away, but it sticks to me. I had an abortion last year and the soul pain was so great that I took a razor to my arm and leg. I also have had brain surgery (aneurysm) and I wonder if that is why I am so messed up. I was sexually abused/incest as a child. My relationships with men have been just rotten. When I see my step-father and my brother I pretend nothing happened. All my life has been a pretense. The man I truly loved dumped me...he said my complexities scared him emotionally. I am doomed. Nobody understands.
Posted by Dinah on March 30, 2006, at 18:11:30
In reply to Sad, posted by Sixsecrets on March 30, 2006, at 18:01:16
I'm glad you're seeing a psychologist. Is he/she helpful to you?
I know it feels like you're doomed, but there are people who can understand. This is a good place to talk to people who might have similar experiences and understand.
Posted by Dinah on March 30, 2006, at 18:16:02
In reply to Sad, posted by Sixsecrets on March 30, 2006, at 18:01:16
Posted by special_k on March 30, 2006, at 21:35:37
In reply to Trigger above, posted by Dinah on March 30, 2006, at 18:11:30
hey. i'm sorry you are hurting so much :-( i hurt quite a lot too. and emotionally... i guess i tend to lash out sooner or later. it is hard :-(
i think you have come to the right place. there will be lots of people here with similar experiences.
and people here can go up and down a bit. helps me feel more normal. and helps me get through the rough times.
don't really know what to say... except welcome to babble. i hope you like it here.
i'm glad you are here and still around in general but i'm sorry you are hurting so much :-(
Posted by Sixsecrets on March 31, 2006, at 3:52:30
In reply to Re: Trigger above, posted by special_k on March 30, 2006, at 21:35:37
When does the hurting stop?
Posted by B2chica on March 31, 2006, at 9:35:24
In reply to Sad, posted by Sixsecrets on March 30, 2006, at 18:01:16
> I am very sad. I see a psychologist. I take Effexor, Ativan and Zopiclone. I have tried suicide once and almost achieved the big check out, but I had forgotten I had a lunch date and he came looking for me and found me unconscious and a trip to the ER ensued. I have tried everything to make the pain go away, but it sticks to me. I had an abortion last year and the soul pain was so great that I took a razor to my arm and leg. I also have had brain surgery (aneurysm) and I wonder if that is why I am so messed up. I was sexually abused/incest as a child. My relationships with men have been just rotten. When I see my step-father and my brother I pretend nothing happened. All my life has been a pretense. The man I truly loved dumped me...he said my complexities scared him emotionally. I am doomed. Nobody understands.
wow sixsecrets, you have been through a lot.
first of all i want to say welcome, and hope youfind babble to be as wonderful as i do. you will find a lot of people here with similar issues for support.i am glad to hear you are seeing a T (psychologist), is he/she helping?
i am very glad to hear your lunch date found you, if you feel that way again, there are several alternatives the number one for me is coming here. secondly call or go to your local hospital. but there are other coping skills you can use as well, such as journaling, excersize, drawing, meditation, gardening...etc. just ask us and we'll share more ideas.
about your abortion, that is an excrutiatingly tough decision that you had to make i'm sorry it hurt you so much. i hate that you felt you needed to hurt yourself because of it. you don't. please don't. i'm sure you are a wonderful person and you don't deserve to hurt so much. i would think there should be local support groups for individuals that are suffering from post-abortion trauma. i think it would really help you to talk with others if you can.
brain surgery always has it's risks, but i think you have a whole lot going on that is definatley adding to your depression. is the effexor helping? (not sure what zopiclone is for but does it seem to help?)
about your csa, i think it's VERY important that you talk with your T about this. talk and talk and talk. and i know all about pretending nothing happened. it's hard not to at first. especially if you are wanting to keep a relationship with them or are trying hard to 'keep the peace' but remember, you need to do what is best for YOU, not for anyone else. i do want to suggest a book called "courage to heal" by ellen bass and laura davis. it was a very triggering book for me at first so i had to read a few pages at a time, but eventually got through it and am glad i read it. there are a few other books i read that really seemed to help me just let me know if you are interested. also there is a forum on books here if you are interested to check that out.i really want to say that you have Great courage just to say what you've said in your very first message. you are a LOT stronger than you may think or feel. Know that.
you are NOT doomed, even though you may feel like that. and we here Do understand. and even if we don't. we will Always be on Your side, and support You.welcome.
b2c.
Posted by milly on March 31, 2006, at 9:39:22
In reply to Sad, posted by Sixsecrets on March 30, 2006, at 18:01:16
Hi Sixsecrets,
I don't really know what to say except I hear your pain, babble is somewhere people will hear your pain and care that you hurt.
Have a hug ((((((((sixsecrets))))))))))
milly
Posted by Damos on April 4, 2006, at 17:07:15
In reply to Sad, posted by Sixsecrets on March 30, 2006, at 18:01:16
Just wanted to say "Hi" and glad you're here with us. I'm sorry you're hurting so much, I really am
I'm a guy (just so you know), and I hope you find the help and support you need here. There are so many wonderful, kind and amazing people here - special, precious friends, who honour and humble me with their trust and what they share each and everyday. Hope you feel welcome and safe to just *be* here.
Take good care.
Posted by sixsecrets on April 4, 2006, at 18:43:25
In reply to Re: Sad » Sixsecrets, posted by Damos on April 4, 2006, at 17:07:15
Everyday is an arduous journey of "pretend". I present myself with a smiley face to the world. Then I come home at night and just cry. I see a private therapist and I feel like I am just paying someone $140/hr to listen to me. I have alienated all my friends...they usually give me lip service and say "Get a grip!". My family thinks I am a drama queen. People seem to think I have nothing to be sad about, they say, "Oh, you have a good job, money, a nice apartment, a new car..." But, it means nothing. Nothing.
Everyday I go into the bathroom and see my stockpile of pills...every goddamn day and the only reason I haven't checked out is because I have a cat...Who would take care of my stupid cat? Is that not pathetic? None of the people I know understand what it means when I say "The hurt goes way beyond pain."
I am almost 50, alone, I've been hurt right to the core of my very soul. I've razored my arms and my legs, been on every anti-depressant and the hurt does not go away. Soul Pain. It's Soul Pain.
I really can't do this very much longer.
I keep deceiving myself that it will get better, but it doesn't.
A person's capacity for soul pain stops somewhere beyond infinity.
Posted by Smeegle on April 5, 2006, at 2:36:39
In reply to Re: Sad, posted by sixsecrets on April 4, 2006, at 18:43:25
Right now I am looking for the same answers. When does the pain stop? People think because you don't 'look' sick, that you just need to suck it up. They don't comprehend the difference between feeling down or being sad (transient) and being depressed or having any other type of mood disorder. My DH is sick to death of my obsessing about it so I bottle it up inside. That's not working out well. Like you, I frequently look at the pills in my drawer and wonder is today going to be the day I get more than I can handle. It seems that day is getting closer and closer. I didn't succeed the first time, but did learn from my mistakes.
I am glad to hear that you have at least one reason to hang on. My cat is often times the only thing I have to cling to. His love means a lot (even if it costs a steady flow of treats).
Smeegs
Posted by B2chica on April 5, 2006, at 10:00:45
In reply to Re: Sad * * trigger * *, posted by Smeegle on April 5, 2006, at 2:36:39
((((((((smeegle)))))))))
i'm so sorry you are feeling so much pain. you sound like you are on a downhill slope. is there anything i can do to help. well, i'm here to listen if you wish.i undrstand about hubby's getting tired of depressive thought talk. but as you know bottling it up doens't do good. could you maybe start a journal?
do you exercize? my doc's got me on this exercize regimine and it seems to be helping.
please know we are here. please don't hurt yourself. you are cared for.b2c.
Posted by sixsecrets on April 5, 2006, at 17:56:42
In reply to Re: Sad * * trigger * *, posted by Smeegle on April 5, 2006, at 2:36:39
Thank you Smeegle. My first attempt wasn't successful either, but since then I have done my homework.
I know and can relate totally to where your head is at.
Posted by B2chica on April 6, 2006, at 8:59:13
In reply to Re: Sad * * trigger * *, posted by sixsecrets on April 5, 2006, at 17:56:42
i'm glad your attempt wasn't successful.
-question why you tried, question why you didn't complete, question the pain you feel inside. but please don't try again. keep coming here to babble.
((((((((sixsecrets))))))))> Thank you Smeegle. My first attempt wasn't successful either, but since then I have done my homework.
> I know and can relate totally to where your head is at.
Posted by SixSecrets on April 6, 2006, at 10:41:45
In reply to Re: Sad * * trigger * *, posted by B2chica on April 6, 2006, at 8:59:13
Why didn't it work? It did not work because I had a lunch date...I had totally forgotten about it...I was found unconscious...I had ingested 250 assorted pills, drank 1/2 a 40 ouncer of whiskey...had the bag/noose thing going...I was ready. I am not afraid to do it. Next time I will be sure my calendar is clear.
Soul Pain...I cannot remember when I have not had Soul Pain and I am weary of it and crying and trying and talking about it.
Posted by B2chica on April 6, 2006, at 11:36:33
In reply to Re: Sad * * trigger * *, posted by SixSecrets on April 6, 2006, at 10:41:45
ask yourself what the chances are that your lunch date showed up, and that it was in time to save you. what if they had forgotten, or cancelled, or couldn't get in to where you were. i think you lived for a reason.
it must be hard to accept what i'm saying but i believe it. you sound like you are in a lot of pain. pain and rage. don't be mad at yourself. focus your anger on who deserves it. on who hurt you.
it's ok to let that out. it's safe here.
b2c.
Posted by sixsecrets on April 6, 2006, at 17:02:27
In reply to Re: Sad * * trigger * * » SixSecrets, posted by B2chica on April 6, 2006, at 11:36:33
I don't believe that for an instant. The Fates/God/Whatever did not intervene. It was a lousy forgotten lunch date, of all things with my lawyer to discuss legal stuff. Another person who did not understand "Soul Pain". So few people do.
Posted by Damos on April 6, 2006, at 18:51:19
In reply to Re: Sad, posted by sixsecrets on April 4, 2006, at 18:43:25
I can't remember when I realised my entire life was being lived by a series of characters none of who were me, all for everyone elses benefit - and more importantly when I decided to stop pretending. Keeping up all the facades is exhausting. Sadly still fall into it sometimes. And I'm not gonna lie, not pretending can be really hard too, a lot of people don't cope very well with our 'true' faces, and it's hard to put down the masks. But every once in a while there'll be someone who'll recognise your hurt or whatever you're feeling and even if they can't do anything - just the sense of being really seen can mean so much.
Can't imagine how much you're hurting, but there will be a lot of people here who will hear so much that's familiar to them in your words. About what people say; about family; about all those things meaning nothing - I so understand that and am struggling with those very thoughts right now. And it's safe to say those things here, it's safe to be that way here.
And no it's not pathetic to be hanging on only because of your cat. It's so not. Not to those of us who have pet whos love keeps us going in so many ways on so many days.
I lost a child to a miscarriage and it took me a very long time (17 years) to release that pain, that deep hurt, even a little in one of my very first posts here about a year ago. Can only imagine that what you've been through hurts even more, so very much more. And there'll be a lot of thoughts and feelings about you and the choices you made tied up in that. I'm sorry that the hurt is so great that you hurt yourself. Please talk to your T about that and about the CSA, please, I so don't want you to be hurt anymore.
That post about the miscarriage started the healing, but is was actually something another poster said referring to a child called Katie sometime later that cracked my world wide open and let all the feelings come out and the healing really begin. Don't know where I posted about that but I do remember starting to cry and having to run out of the office and across to the park, and just not being able to stop crying, howling for for longest time. Remember being so totally wrung out physically, emotionally and mentally, but feeling oddly better. Not sure the hurt of the loss will ever go away entirely, but being able to release all of the feelings and thoughts that surrounded it helped more than I can say. Seeing little kids can still be quite upsetting for all kinds of reasons.
Don't know what I can say, or even if there is anything that will ease the deep hurt you feel, but maybe just by sharing it with us in whatever way is comfortable for you will help. Sometimes just reading other posts and other threads can help in the most unexpected ways. We use ( ) with your posting name in between to send cyber hugs so if it's okay (((Sixsecrets))). Sadly I can't post as much as I'd like, but know that I hear you, feel your pain and care.
You probably saw Dinah put ***Trigger*** in the subject heading of her reply. We do that as a way of taking care of each other. Certain subjects like self injury SI, child sexual assault CSA, suicide, sexual assault etc can be really hard for some babblers to read about as it 'triggers' their stuff, so we try and put that in the subject header to let others' know there might be stuff that's upsetting to them in the post.
Sorry this has been such a ramble. Can't say much on the relationship side as I so totally suck at them, even struggle just to be a half decent friend much of the time. But I try. Hopefully you'll find some friends here too.
Please take good care of you.
Damos
Posted by B2chica on April 7, 2006, at 11:27:29
In reply to Re: Sad * * trigger * *, posted by sixsecrets on April 6, 2006, at 17:02:27
i'm sorry you are in so much hurt right now. i'm not so good now, and hope didn't make things worse for you.
Posted by SixSecrets on April 9, 2006, at 0:51:34
In reply to Re: Sad * * trigger * * » sixsecrets, posted by B2chica on April 7, 2006, at 11:27:29
No, you did not make it worse. Nothing could make it worse. I am so alienated from everything and everyone. I can't even get in to see my T until the 19th and even then I wonder what good it will do, it has not done anything thus far and he knows he is my "Last Chance Texaco". I haven't slept much these past few days and my diet has consisted of medication, chocolate, coffee and cigarettes. How I wish I knew where I went. Just what went wrong? I have thought about it a lot, but did not come up with any conclusions.
This is the end of the thread.
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