Posted by Damos on April 6, 2006, at 18:51:19
In reply to Re: Sad, posted by sixsecrets on April 4, 2006, at 18:43:25
I can't remember when I realised my entire life was being lived by a series of characters none of who were me, all for everyone elses benefit - and more importantly when I decided to stop pretending. Keeping up all the facades is exhausting. Sadly still fall into it sometimes. And I'm not gonna lie, not pretending can be really hard too, a lot of people don't cope very well with our 'true' faces, and it's hard to put down the masks. But every once in a while there'll be someone who'll recognise your hurt or whatever you're feeling and even if they can't do anything - just the sense of being really seen can mean so much.
Can't imagine how much you're hurting, but there will be a lot of people here who will hear so much that's familiar to them in your words. About what people say; about family; about all those things meaning nothing - I so understand that and am struggling with those very thoughts right now. And it's safe to say those things here, it's safe to be that way here.
And no it's not pathetic to be hanging on only because of your cat. It's so not. Not to those of us who have pet whos love keeps us going in so many ways on so many days.
I lost a child to a miscarriage and it took me a very long time (17 years) to release that pain, that deep hurt, even a little in one of my very first posts here about a year ago. Can only imagine that what you've been through hurts even more, so very much more. And there'll be a lot of thoughts and feelings about you and the choices you made tied up in that. I'm sorry that the hurt is so great that you hurt yourself. Please talk to your T about that and about the CSA, please, I so don't want you to be hurt anymore.
That post about the miscarriage started the healing, but is was actually something another poster said referring to a child called Katie sometime later that cracked my world wide open and let all the feelings come out and the healing really begin. Don't know where I posted about that but I do remember starting to cry and having to run out of the office and across to the park, and just not being able to stop crying, howling for for longest time. Remember being so totally wrung out physically, emotionally and mentally, but feeling oddly better. Not sure the hurt of the loss will ever go away entirely, but being able to release all of the feelings and thoughts that surrounded it helped more than I can say. Seeing little kids can still be quite upsetting for all kinds of reasons.
Don't know what I can say, or even if there is anything that will ease the deep hurt you feel, but maybe just by sharing it with us in whatever way is comfortable for you will help. Sometimes just reading other posts and other threads can help in the most unexpected ways. We use ( ) with your posting name in between to send cyber hugs so if it's okay (((Sixsecrets))). Sadly I can't post as much as I'd like, but know that I hear you, feel your pain and care.
You probably saw Dinah put ***Trigger*** in the subject heading of her reply. We do that as a way of taking care of each other. Certain subjects like self injury SI, child sexual assault CSA, suicide, sexual assault etc can be really hard for some babblers to read about as it 'triggers' their stuff, so we try and put that in the subject header to let others' know there might be stuff that's upsetting to them in the post.
Sorry this has been such a ramble. Can't say much on the relationship side as I so totally suck at them, even struggle just to be a half decent friend much of the time. But I try. Hopefully you'll find some friends here too.
Please take good care of you.
Damos
poster:Damos
thread:626745
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060406/msgs/629802.html