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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by happyflower on November 27, 2005, at 21:41:56
In reply to Re: In the home stretch now » happyflower, posted by LadyBug on November 26, 2005, at 16:18:51
Thanks Lady Bug for "getting" the joke and not taking it too seriously. LOL Yikes! I say!
Posted by happyflower on November 27, 2005, at 21:46:22
In reply to Re: just forget I ever said anything » happyflower, posted by sleepygirl on November 27, 2005, at 21:14:34
> Hi happyflower! Good! you came back.
Thanks sleepygirl. I only going to post for a couple of days about this. I had to defend my self a little, things seem to be way out of control. I will still be around offering others support, but I won't be posting about my stuff. Of course you can always babble mail me, and I will let you know when the wedding is! LOL Oh, goodness, sh*t is going to hit the fan again! LOL :)
Posted by happyflower on November 27, 2005, at 21:52:54
In reply to Re: In the home stretch now/panties, yes/LOL » happyflower, posted by allisonross on November 26, 2005, at 16:40:21
Hey Ally , just wanted to say hi and thank you for your lightness. I think it is needed around the boards lately. I will email ya later! I hope your therapy went well tonight! Did you throw your undies at him tonight? LOL Opps, I better duck! THIS IS A JOKE!
Posted by happyflower on November 27, 2005, at 22:01:29
In reply to Angry flower :-( » happyflower, posted by Voce on November 26, 2005, at 22:47:42
Thanks Voce,(messavoce? right?)
Yeah, I am surprised by the very strong views and the lack of humor. Everyone who knows me, knows I kid around a lot.
When did everyone become such an expert? LOL I am okay, I will still offer support to others, but my therapy is going to stay private. It seems to offend too many people. Thank you! :)
Posted by alexandra_k on November 27, 2005, at 22:05:19
In reply to Re: you are going to follow your transference » alexandra_k, posted by happyflower on November 27, 2005, at 21:27:13
I'm sorry that you felt I was talking down to you. I most certainly did not mean to sound that way, and I do not look down on you at all.
Just trying to get you thinking is all...
Fantasy vs reality...
Something to think about.
Posted by happyflower on November 27, 2005, at 22:09:17
In reply to Re: Angry flower :-(, posted by happyflower on November 27, 2005, at 22:01:29
Posted by happyflower on November 27, 2005, at 22:13:48
In reply to Re: you are going to follow your transference » happyflower, posted by alexandra_k on November 27, 2005, at 22:05:19
>> Just trying to get you thinking is all...
>
> Fantasy vs reality...
>
> Something to think about.
>I have thought a lot about all of this, reseached the rules, the negative outcomes, I have looked at the positive and the negative. I am still thinking about it, I am not taking it lightly. Nothing might not even come out of all of this too, I am prepared for that too. Thanks for your concern, but could you be a little more gentler about it? I do have feelings too.
Posted by annierose on November 27, 2005, at 22:16:00
In reply to Re: Angry flower :-(, posted by happyflower on November 27, 2005, at 22:01:29
I'm sorry you feel your feelings towards your therapist have been put down. I try when I write to you to be cautious. You keep saying "I like to joke around a lot." But these feelings for your T are not a joking matter. I think that is what people are reacting to. They want to protect you, help you, reach out and hope you do talk about these fantasties with your T. I do think he is a great T. You have grown and learned a great deal. And I think you should continue to see him (and more often if you are able to).
There's a giant pink elephant with you in your sessions and I hope you mention how cute he is soon! You do matter. You are likeable. And I too hope you stick around.
Posted by happyflower on November 27, 2005, at 22:23:25
In reply to Re: Angry flower :-( » happyflower, posted by annierose on November 27, 2005, at 22:16:00
Thanks Annierose! I do joke around a lot, but yet I do have a serious side too. My feelings are serious, and they do need to be discused soon with him. I like him a lot (notice I didn't say love) and I enjoy his presence very much and I feel these feelings are mutual. I feel we are both attracted to each other physically and emotionally) But that might be all it is, and I am prepared for that. I am okay, I won't do anything too dumb. My T is great, and even if he doesn't want me romantically or as a real friend, I still know he likes me, and enjoys my company. I feel good about that. :)
Posted by happyflower on November 27, 2005, at 22:29:13
In reply to Re: Angry flower :-( » annierose, posted by happyflower on November 27, 2005, at 22:23:25
Times sure flies when you are on these boards! LOL :)
Posted by alexandra_k on November 27, 2005, at 22:31:33
In reply to Re: you are going to follow your transference » alexandra_k, posted by happyflower on November 27, 2005, at 22:13:48
Hey. I really did not mean to suggest that you hadn't thought about this. I guess I was pretty much thinking... About the transference / love thing. And about the difference between them. And about how you might be able to tell the difference between them.
> I have thought a lot about all of this, reseached the rules, the negative outcomes, I have looked at the positive and the negative. I am still thinking about it, I am not taking it lightly.
Okay.
>Nothing might not even come out of all of this too, I am prepared for that too.
Okay. I guess I'm most worried about something coming out of it. Something coming out of it and it going badly. Badly for you. I really hope... That if your feelings are reciprocated... That you guys do this by the book and respect the two year thing. I really think the intention of that is to protect the both of you. It might seem a little paternalistic... But those cases that do end badly... I think they probably wouldn't have gotten together after a two year break. And if you guys are keen to hook up after a two year break... Then there is so much more of a chance that things will go well there. And he won't have to worry about loss of lisence.
>Thanks for your concern, but could you be a little more gentler about it? I do have feelings too.
Yes. I know you have feelings too. I'm sorry that you feel like I was disrespecting them. Really.
:-((((happyflower)))
I hope you don't go...
I understand about how sometimes it doesn't seem safe to post things to the boards.
And about how sometimes the responses don't seem helpful.
And I really hate it when things go like that :-(You are appreciated here.
I think... I am in a fairly sombre mood, and have been in a fairly sombre mood lately. Very serious and something of a killjoy methinks. Sorry about that.
Don't stop being you.
And please don't stop joking around,
Because you are right
Sometimes humour and lightening up is just what is in order.I hope...
You stick around.
And that you talk through this with people on the boards (as you have been doing)
:-)
Because...
You are valued here.And it can be helpful to post about things and get support
And I'm sorry that you feel that you have been jumped on rather.Take care.
Posted by LipGloss on November 27, 2005, at 22:31:39
In reply to Re: Angry flower :-( » annierose, posted by happyflower on November 27, 2005, at 22:23:25
Gee,
I always thought it was the audience member that threw panties at the performer. I never saw a performer throw them at the audience......just a thought.
Posted by happyflower on November 27, 2005, at 22:37:20
In reply to Re: Throwing Panties, posted by LipGloss on November 27, 2005, at 22:31:39
> Gee,
>
> I always thought it was the audience member that threw panties at the performer. I never saw a performer throw them at the audience......just a thought.That was part of what was so funny. :) It was just a joke and since my concert was coming up that following week, it was a little twist on what were talking about. My T got that is was a joke, and from his jokes he tells me, it was nothing. Can you see any humor in this? If not it is okay.
Posted by orchid on November 28, 2005, at 1:52:39
In reply to Re: Throwing Panties » LipGloss, posted by happyflower on November 27, 2005, at 22:37:20
Hi HF,
I wonder about something. Do you really think objectively that you and your T are soul mates? And if you married each other, your life will be full of happiness and joy? Or atleast that it will be very emotionally fulfilling?
These days, I have become very much convinced there is no such thing as soul mates. I keep thinking that I could have lived as happily with many men as I could have possibly lived with any one man. It is mostly about taking the efforts to make the marriage work. There really isn't that much of difference amongst different persons.
Why I am saying this, is, perhaps for the time being, maybe you can focus on your marriage more and leave aside things with your T and leave it for time to answer. For all you know, at the end of 2 years, you might be once again in love with your husband, and you may not think as highly of your T as you think now. Plus I agree with LipGloss in the fact that breaking families especially when kids are involved is really heartbreaking for everyone involved. You might end up regretting it in the long run.
Posted by orchid on November 28, 2005, at 2:00:38
In reply to For HappyFlower » happyflower, posted by orchid on November 28, 2005, at 1:52:39
>
> These days, I have become very much convinced there is no such thing as soul mates. I keep thinking that I could have lived as happily with many men as I could have possibly lived with any one man.-------
change the above to "I could have lived as happily with any man as I could have possibly lived with any one man that I thought I really liked"
Posted by happyflower on November 28, 2005, at 6:05:58
In reply to For HappyFlower » happyflower, posted by orchid on November 28, 2005, at 1:52:39
HI orchid,
I didn't believe in soul mates either until I met my T . It is hard to explain it, but it is a feeling of being one with that person. I felt this the first time I met him. I didn't know what the feeling was at first, but there is this connectedness feeling.
As far as getting married, even with a soul mate you still have to work at a marriage. No marriage is easy, it takes a lot of understanding, patience, love, and so many things on so many levels. But if you mesh with a person on a lot of levels, it is easier, not easy, but easier.
As far as my marriage, it takes two to save it. I am trying, but if the other person doesn't even want to talk to you or spend time with you , it makes it really hard to work on issues. Plus he refuses to do marriage therapy. So what am I suppose to do? Do I stay in sexless, emotionaless, empty marriage for the sake of my kids? I am still trying to weigh that out. This is what my remaining therapy sessions are about these days. I would have done with therapy months ago my T said, but because of what is going on in my marriage, I am still in therapy to help save the relationship.But it has been dead since last March. I have tried to do everything my T suggests. Nothing is working. I can't make him love me, if he doesn't epecially if he is in love with somebody else. ( a whole other issue, he won't talk about)
Meanwhile I am trying to help fullfill my life with other things to cover the void I feel. I am doing a lot of stuff, and it feels great, I am not just a wife and mother, but I have myself to be happy with. I am enjoying life so much now days. It is rich with converstaions with other people, playing music, doing yoga, working out everyday. I feel really good. I am also in training with my trumpet teacher to become a great classical trumpet player. Hopefully in a year, I will be trying out for some of the professional symphonies in my area. I feel like I am living out my dreams. It is wonderful, it is the only thing keeping me sane during my unhappy marriage.
If I can work it out with my DH, then yes, I want to stay in my marriage. I love my DH dearly and would love to keep my family together. But so far, we are nothing close to that.
Posted by allisonross on November 28, 2005, at 8:29:22
In reply to 3 days 12.5 hours to go!, posted by happyflower on November 27, 2005, at 22:29:13
Hi, all; have been following Happy's story. I have been in love with my t for over 2 years. The "elephant" in the room, has been discussed many, many times; we are authentic with each other.
I know he has feelings for me; it is obvious. He says he has been tempted. He says "as long as we talk about it, it isn't dangerous" (?!)...and as long as we don't act on our feelings. He also said: "I am afraid I am going to fall, and it would ruin my life."
From an article on the web: Transference or Reality? "The therapeutic relationship is the only occasion in which feelings for each other reeive special names (transference and countertranceference)
Such a generic name for a specific feeling. Nobody would doubt me if I said I had fallen in love with my neighbor, etc., but if I claim I have fallen in love with my therapist that is transference.
I would have fallen in love with my t (and told him), if I had met him anywhere else. He says he is "in pain, to a degree...if I am in pain." He knows that unrequited love is terrible and painful.
Someone mentioned something about men being pretty much alike, and learning to work and live with someone. Unfortunately, I disagree. I was married for 31 years to an abuser. He was as horrific as they get.
The difference between the "ex" and my t is as different as black and white.
I think what HappyFlower would like (is what everyone wants); simply affirmation of her feelings. She is intelligent and understands all the stuff that is going on, and it is possible to get hurt. I have been living in this pain of loving someone for over 2 years.
Criticism is criticism (no matter how gently put), and we all want to be understood (heard), and have our feelings affirmed.
I told my t that I would "rather be in pain WITH him, that be in pain WITHOUT him."
And so, the saga continues. We are so much alike it is scary (he has self-disclosed quite a lot). He said last year: "This is starting to look like a personal relationship." Duhhh, it has been for a very long time.
We cannot deny human nature. Put 2 people in a room for years..either there will be chemistry, or not. Obviously we all make our own choices on how to behave.
I've held the boundaries (ironic), but he has bent a lot of them.Bottom line? Love is love; it is real, and should be honored.
LOVE to you all/Ally
Posted by orchid on November 28, 2005, at 8:51:00
In reply to ALL/I'm in same boat/HUGE difference in men, posted by allisonross on November 28, 2005, at 8:29:22
Isn't it little too coincidental that every T seems to be attracted to their patient (atleast in the patient's opinion), and every patient feels that their Ts are their soul mates?
That is what makes it different from regular relationship.
Posted by happyflower on November 28, 2005, at 9:14:34
In reply to Re: ALL/I'm in same boat/HUGE difference in men » allisonross, posted by orchid on November 28, 2005, at 8:51:00
> Isn't it little too coincidental that every T seems to be attracted to their patient (atleast in the patient's opinion), and every patient feels that their Ts are their soul mates?
>
> That is what makes it different from regular relationship.Umm. I was attracted to my DH, and he was to me. I knew he wasn't my soul mate, but I did have a guy I was dating that was, but he died when we were dating.
I think if you have never experienced a soul mate, you really don't understand it. My T doesn't believe in soul mates either. But he sure had notice the weird coinsciences though.
And as far as the power imbalences they talk about. Maybe in the beginning of therapy he had some power over me during the therapy hour. But he no longer has that power over me. Things can change in the respect. But you know most relationships are not equal anyways. In my marriage I am more dominate than my DH, and he is 20 years older than me. No man has power over me, and it won't happen. I am too strong of a person for that.
People are people and you can't help who you are attracted to and who you fall in love with, my T has said this to me.
I also know a ton about my T, just like Ally and her T, so it isn't blind transference. We actually know them. And no it isn't all positive warm fuzzy thing either. I do feel equal to my T in that regard, he knows as much about me as I know about him.As far as being attracted to me, you can easily tell when a man is attracted to you. There are a lots of physical signs. Heck, and I am not bad looking either! LOL ;)
I have had several soul mates in my life, my grandmother, a old boyfriend, and now my T. It is a feeling that is hard to discribe to someone who hasn't felt it. But if you have felt it, you know it.
Posted by happyflower on November 28, 2005, at 9:21:07
In reply to Re: ALL/I'm in same boat/HUGE difference in men, posted by happyflower on November 28, 2005, at 9:14:34
Posted by orchid on November 28, 2005, at 9:42:36
In reply to Re: ALL/I'm in same boat/HUGE difference in men, posted by happyflower on November 28, 2005, at 9:14:34
What you have said is true. I hope things will work out well for you and your T.
In the meantime, I have made a decision to not talk about transference anymore. I have talked enough about it - and had enough of it and I am not interested anymore either. Let it be what it is - real or imaginary or whatever. :-)
Orchid (enjoying her time getting massages everyday and fooling around and chatting with strange people :-))
Posted by happyflower on November 28, 2005, at 9:46:49
In reply to I think I shall resign from talking transference » happyflower, posted by orchid on November 28, 2005, at 9:42:36
> What you have said is true. I hope things will work out well for you and your T.
Thank you Orchid, whatever happens it will be okay. :)
> Orchid (enjoying her time getting massages everyday and fooling around and chatting with strange people :-))I have never had a massage before. I would love to try it but doesn't it hurt? Sometimes my hairsylist does my shoulders and it hurts for days. Oh, am I one of your stange people you are chatting with? LOL Just kidding! (but I am a little strange, but I like being that way) :)
Posted by happyflower on November 28, 2005, at 10:04:18
In reply to :) » orchid, posted by happyflower on November 28, 2005, at 9:46:49
Posted by muffled on November 28, 2005, at 12:05:27
In reply to 3 days 1 hour to go! :) (nm), posted by happyflower on November 28, 2005, at 10:04:18
I came back and there was this thread so I was able to read it thru and it was so cool to see how it evolved. We got some seriously kind and caring people here. Wow, like totally so way cool. Like a life lesson or something. Really you guys are great. All of you.
I'm glad you still around happyflower, this'll chill out and there can be more fun. people sure like you here don't they? They really care. Freaky.
Muffled
Posted by allisonross on November 28, 2005, at 12:13:44
In reply to Re: ALL/I'm in same boat/HUGE difference in men » allisonross, posted by orchid on November 28, 2005, at 8:51:00
> Isn't it little too coincidental that every T seems to be attracted to their patient (atleast in the patient's opinion), and every patient feels that their Ts are their soul mates?
I don't know about any other t's being attracted to their clients. Of course it happens, but we are as men and women, attracted to whatever attracts us.
I saw 3 other t's (for the marriage stuff), and was attracted to NONE of them. So for me, it's not I'm in love for all of the obvious reasons (that they are kind, attentive, etc., etc).....the others were kind, etc..
..but were not (as far as I know; they never indicated anything like that), and were totally professional. I didn't feel they were my soulmates, and weren't the slightest bit---attracted to them.
>
> That is what makes it different from regular relationship.I've only felt like this about 1 other man......2 men in my life I knew were soul-mates; one just happens to be a t.
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