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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Anon2005 on July 8, 2005, at 16:08:15
Now that I'm down to 1 AD instead of 2, I have been feeling really crappy. Recently my doc finally agreed with me that my meds were making me hypomanic and causing me to act out in ways I never would do. The therapist I had before I started seeing my doc knew of my actions and never said anything about it. It's been a couple of years.
I feel horribly about the number of men I've slept with (15) and I know I wouldn't have slept with so many if I hadn't been acting out. I waited until I was 20 and in love to lose my virginity. I feel disgusting and like a pariah in comparison to my friends.
My doc still doesn't diagnose me as BPD even though she agrees I exhibit a number of symptoms and could benefit from DBT. I know that sexual impulsivity is part of BPD as well.
I just feel unloved and have given myself to these men and the only one of them who loved me physically abused me.
Posted by Tamar on July 8, 2005, at 19:38:26
In reply to I Feel Like a Slut, posted by Anon2005 on July 8, 2005, at 16:08:15
> Now that I'm down to 1 AD instead of 2, I have been feeling really crappy. Recently my doc finally agreed with me that my meds were making me hypomanic and causing me to act out in ways I never would do. The therapist I had before I started seeing my doc knew of my actions and never said anything about it. It's been a couple of years.
Can you see your doctor again? It’s no fun being hypomanic, but it’s also no fun feeling really crappy. Maybe different meds would help.
> I feel horribly about the number of men I've slept with (15) and I know I wouldn't have slept with so many if I hadn't been acting out. I waited until I was 20 and in love to lose my virginity. I feel disgusting and like a pariah in comparison to my friends.
Well, 15 men isn’t all that many. It’s about average, actually. So maybe your friends are under-reporting their sexual experience (like many women), or maybe you just happen to be friends with people who have a lower-than-average number of partners.
> My doc still doesn't diagnose me as BPD even though she agrees I exhibit a number of symptoms and could benefit from DBT. I know that sexual impulsivity is part of BPD as well.
It can be part of hypomania too, as far as I know. And there are all sorts of other possible reasons.
> I just feel unloved and have given myself to these men and the only one of them who loved me physically abused me.
See, there’s another of the possible reasons. A history of physical or sexual abuse is quite common in women who act out sexually. And I worry when you say that the one who ‘loved’ you abused you. That doesn’t sound like love to me.
It sounds to me as if you’re being quite hard on yourself. I really don’t think the number of partners is what matters at the end of the day. What matters is that you find ways of expressing your sexual desires and needs that are healthy and comfortable for you. If your sexual encounters haven’t been fulfilling and healthy for you, then that’s a good reason to find different ways of expressing your sexuality. But I think the best thing would be to focus on how to experience your sexuality as a gift and a source of joy, rather than to worry about the appropriate number of partners.
I don’t think you’re a slut at all. Are you still seeing a therapist? Or are you doing therapy with your doctor? I imagine that therapy might help you with this.
Tamar
Posted by Anon2005 on July 8, 2005, at 20:17:39
In reply to Re: I Feel Like a Slut » Anon2005, posted by Tamar on July 8, 2005, at 19:38:26
((((Tamar)))) Thanks.
I just woke up from a "klonipin nap"...I was crying hysterically and knew I might start calling people and blaming them or else continue to beat myself up over this, so I took some Klonipin, which usually mellows me out then knocks me out and I feel a bit more in control when I wake up.
I was even starting to feel like no one on the board cared enough to respond.
I haven't been seeing a therapist for quite a while for a number of reasons. My doc does "therapy lite" with me because I've had a lot of bad things happen and her goal has been to get me through these crises.
I was raised in a really restrictive household and I just feel like I've given myself to too many men out of a desire to just be loved. Like you pointed out, I've never been truly loved...and I'm almost 28. That's totally pathetic and sad.
I just find myself in these situations and a guy asks if I want to take the next step and I find myself nodding silently like a little girl (I was never sexually abused though, but my mother was very emotionally, mentally and physically abusive towards me.)
And what man is going to love a "head case" like me? Or else resist the urge to exploit and use someone who practically carried around a card saying "love me please!!"
Posted by daisym on July 8, 2005, at 20:46:51
In reply to Re: I Feel Like a Slut » Tamar, posted by Anon2005 on July 8, 2005, at 20:17:39
I think many of us own that "love me please" card. It doesn't make you pathetic. It makes you human. Being physically close to someone is comforting and the "easiest" way to achieve that (often) is by being sexual. It is way more common that you think.
I agree with Tamar. At the end of the day, nobody takes a head count and says, "you've had one too many or one too few partners." But the way it makes you feel about yourself is worrisome. It sounds like you have done some thinking about why you go down this road and what you are trying to get from it. Now perhaps your thinking needs to shift to other potential roads to choose. I know that is so much easier said than done. But maybe if you find something to channel all that energy into, like volunteering, gardening, dancing, whatever, and doing it with other people, you would begin to feel better about things.
Try not to be so hard on yourself. We are always our own worse critic, aren't we?
Take care,
Daisy
Posted by Shortelise on July 9, 2005, at 21:24:04
In reply to I Feel Like a Slut, posted by Anon2005 on July 8, 2005, at 16:08:15
You know, I think part of promiscuity is being an animal.
There's all the BPD thing, the acting out thing, the psychological thing, but I really do think that some of it is just plain part of life on this planet.
For one thing, it can feel really good. It's nice to feel beautiful and desirable. Maybe you didn't feel that way in these encounters, I don't know, but part of the reason I was as sexually active as I was was that.
ANy physically it can feel great.
And it can be fun, if it feels like fun.
And it can be part of exploring sexuality, and discovering how different men are different.
One of the other reasons I slept around as much as I did was it was a way of getting the physical closeness that I so very much needed.
I'm sorry you feel unloved. It's an awful feeling. I'm sorry to that I have to disgree about "the only one who loved me abused me physically". That isn't love, in my opinion.
I guess it's important to examine the reasons we do things, but name calling is plain not useful. I don't think you're a slut.
You know the "been there, one that" thing? Well, you could chalk this up to experience and get on with it. Your friends have their secrets, too.
ShortE
Posted by damos on July 11, 2005, at 22:27:14
In reply to I Feel Like a Slut, posted by Anon2005 on July 8, 2005, at 16:08:15
Hi Anon,
I'm a man and it hurts me to hear a woman refer to herself in such a way. In my eyes you are nothing of the sort. Just all too painfully human it would seem, and BPD and hypomania wouldn't be helping much either.
Please don't judge yourself by the beliefs, behaviours and lives of others. Simply being able to live with oursleves is enough for any of us.
I'm nearly 41 years old and I long for physical contact with another person but the thought of it confuses and terrifies me cause I don't understand physicality and emotional intimacy the least little bit, and can't find a way to love myself enough to ever hope to attract the love I seek. So please don't be so hard on yourself because I don't believe you're alone in the way you feel.
I'm sorry you were abused and hope that a truer gentler love finds it's way to you soon
Posted by alexandra_k on July 11, 2005, at 23:22:42
In reply to Re: I Feel Like a Slut » Anon2005, posted by damos on July 11, 2005, at 22:27:14
Yeah... I'm not too keen on the word 'slut'. It tends to be used by guys who are disgruntled because you won't sleep with them - especially if they hear you have done it with someone else.
I don't think it matters how many...
What matters is the feeling you are left with. If you feel like you have slept with people who have used you and you regret it then that is a horrible feeling. It is a horrible feeling.
I won't burden you with my stats...
But I have sometimes felt used and dirty and othertimes felt it was all just good clean fun :-) Sometimes with the same guy even.
I like physical contact and closeness.
I like sex.
I do.But I have forsaken it at the mo in an effort to avoid the feelings that you are struggling with.
:-(
Posted by rabidreader on July 14, 2005, at 15:10:05
In reply to Re: I Feel Like a Slut, posted by alexandra_k on July 11, 2005, at 23:22:42
Hi Anon,
I have been with many partners and I found out that telling a man how many people I've been with disconcerts them. They don't understand. I have come to view The Number as just any other number, like people have said. Start out new with yourself each day: dweliing on numbers and past experiences always makes me feel worse. Erase it.
Posted by Susan47 on July 15, 2005, at 21:01:31
In reply to Re: I Feel Like a Slut, posted by alexandra_k on July 11, 2005, at 23:22:42
I seriously believe that many people get married for the underlying benefit of having regular, caring sex with someone you makes you feel good. No other reasons are as important as that one... I believe that ... and I think that's why many married women have affairs. It doesn't take long to become bored by the same person. Especially when, if you're like I was, and absolutely cannot learn to love them. It feels like sh*t. And sex is a very, very strong human urge, it's literally, at times, Overwhelming. People think that's especially true for men. But that's not true. It's very very strong in us as well. If they knew how strong, how so many times they just had to look at us a certain way, say the right words, and that those words really aren't so difficult to come by, if they knew how easy it was to get some of us at some times, there'd be a hell of a lot more men making the effort. I think men just give up, sometimes.. they give up on themselves, really. I've dated so many, many men who'd given up on their self-confidence, somehow, and others who were complete idiotic fools with their over-confidence .. yuck, I mean yech ... then having sex with them just made me hate myself. After the first time, it just snowballed. It's horrible. I knew a girl who had a different pair of boots under her bed at least three nights a week. She had a very, Very Strong Urge. For the caring, And the excitement. It's hard when you're excited by the idea of different partners. Mmmmm .. but it's so hard to find men I'd actually consider, anymore. Kind of scary. Might end up being an Old Maid.
Posted by Anon2005 on July 18, 2005, at 11:01:45
In reply to Re: I Feel Like a Slut » alexandra_k, posted by Susan47 on July 15, 2005, at 21:01:31
Thanks for the support. I just have been feeling lousy about myself, especially after the last guy I slept with. I know the reason I have slept with these guys is that I'm hoping above hope that they'll love me, or at least give me something of what I need. It never works out...cuz they think I'm too needy! Go figure.
I just have such trouble sometimes telling myself not to do it because maybe he'll actually be the one to stick around for more than a few weeks or a month or two. This past week I had three guys calling and I know all they wanted was sex. And it felt lousy because they didn't treat me that well at all and they still thought I'd sleep with them. That says a lot about how men view me. :(
Posted by Susan47 on July 19, 2005, at 0:38:52
In reply to Thanks guys, posted by Anon2005 on July 18, 2005, at 11:01:45
It says a lot about how you view yourself. They're only seeing what you project. Honestly. If you can't get the strength within yourself to feel good about you, worthy of great love, and able to give it too, then I hope someone finds you and shows you that, so you can learn to feel that way about yourself.
This is the end of the thread.
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