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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 25. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Poet on July 1, 2005, at 18:03:24
I foolishly, stupidly, base all my self esteem on career. I beat myself up for weight gain and being ugly and stupid, too, but it's career failure that totally levels me.
I quit my job last year because I couldn't take the pressure and was in a major depression. It took me nine months to get a temp job which I've clung to for six months. Going in each week with the fear that the job will end on Friday.
Well, the temp job is ending. They have asked me to become perm. That should be a reason to feel good, but this job is not what I want to do and I make more money per hour as a temp. Perm is a $3 per hour cut in pay.
I can't risk not getting another long term temp assignment, so I accepted the offer and then went out to my car and cried. I cried all the way to therapy. I don't cry in therapy. I can cry at work, in my car, but where I can cry, never. Add that to failure, too.
I can't stop my negative brain from telling me that I should have stuck it out at my hell job because it paid good.
I am the queen of employment losers. I will reign forever until I die. I probably should have done that last year. I told this to my T, and she really does understand why I have zero self esteem and I probably frustrate her because she tries so hard to give me other things to base it on. I just can't. I told myself long ago that the right job will free me from being dependent and forced to do things I don't want to. It would free me. A depressed girl made it her reason to live. Made it how to get through really bad things. It was the light and now it is forever darkness.
My T knows all of this, and understands, but I am so frustrated and sad that I am pushing her away. Another failure.
Poet- Permanent Failure
Posted by pinkeye on July 1, 2005, at 18:11:58
In reply to Zero self esteem- I am a failure, posted by Poet on July 1, 2005, at 18:03:24
Hi Poet,
I am sorry you are feeling so bad. Bad self esteem really sucks. I have the same issue too!!
But one thing I have learnt myself over the years, it is never a good idea to focus on the individual problems. It will quickly get overwhelming if we try to fix up our career, our relationship, our weight issue, other problems.. If you address each of them one by one, it is probably a never ending thing.The right approach would be to start out by building your basic self.. Understanding your real core problems, and trying to work through them. Taht will solve all the external manifestations of the same underlying issue.
Posted by shrinking violet on July 1, 2005, at 21:04:32
In reply to Zero self esteem- I am a failure, posted by Poet on July 1, 2005, at 18:03:24
Posted by happyflower on July 1, 2005, at 21:56:08
In reply to Zero self esteem- I am a failure, posted by Poet on July 1, 2005, at 18:03:24
Poet,
You helped support me today when I needed it the most! You aren't a failure to me.But who am I to talk, look how I pushed my T away today. Now he won't even call me. Big mistake on my part.
(((((poet))) Maybe all us babblers need a big group hug this weekend. It has been tough for a lot of us this week.
Posted by 10derHeart on July 1, 2005, at 22:53:29
In reply to You didn't fail me, posted by happyflower on July 1, 2005, at 21:56:08
Posted by daisym on July 1, 2005, at 23:37:31
In reply to Zero self esteem- I am a failure, posted by Poet on July 1, 2005, at 18:03:24
Oh Poet, you sound so sad and defeated. It must have been very hard to do what you had to do and yet what you didn't want to do. It is hard when those things by which we define ourselves turn dark.
I'm sure you think you "should" accept that you are more than your job. But I also know how hard it is to accept that. I don't think staying with the hell job would have been the right thing to do. It would eat you up inside. No amount of money is worth your soul. (OK< maybe I have a price but still...) You must have been doing a better than average job at the tasks you were doing to be asked to stay on. And from here you can work into something else. What small thing can you do to move a babystep closer to your ideal job? And what small thing can you focus on that is good about your new job? What will make you smile on Tuesday when you go in? If nothing else, you can now put up a funny cartoon! (I have one next to my desk that says, "We know God loves us because he gave us shoes." :)
What would you say to me if I said I was failure? OK, now mirror please! Seriously, you aren't a failure just because the career path is rocky. You are a sweet, caring person who is willing to share her hugs. And that means everything.
I wish I really could hug you.
Daisy
Posted by All Done on July 2, 2005, at 1:42:12
In reply to Zero self esteem- I am a failure, posted by Poet on July 1, 2005, at 18:03:24
Oh, Poet. I so wish you could see yourself the way others see you. Daisy is really right - you are so much more than your job.
Think about this...if you were defined by your career, why don't I know what you do for a living? I know we talked about your job, but it was the current one and I don't think I ever found out exactly what it is you do. But you know what? I met a wonderfully charming, funny, sweet, and caring person when I met you. That's the stuff that matters.
Hmm...at least I hope that's the stuff that matters cuz if I had to be defined by my career, I'd spend most of my time calculating tax due on the sale of telecommunications central office equipment. Yeah. Bleh.
Don't get me wrong, of course. I know it's important to find a job that's a good match for you. If it's not for whatever reason, the frustration just ends up bleeding over to other parts of your life when what you really need is a good balance. So, I'm glad you didn't stick with the job from hell. And if this job isn't going to pay enough, can you still keep it while looking for something else?
Good luck, Poet. I hope everything falls into place for you and you come to see all of the wonderful qualities I see in you.
Take care,
Laurie
Posted by partlycloudy on July 2, 2005, at 9:46:48
In reply to Zero self esteem- I am a failure, posted by Poet on July 1, 2005, at 18:03:24
Your job is NOT who you are. It's great to take pride in doing a good job and to be valued for your contributions at work, but you are so much more than the job you do! You are witty, warm, and brave (and tell me those qualities appear on anyone's resumes??).
You have taken quite a tumble, Poet, and I don't want to diminish the effect of losing a job. I'm not saying it's isn't a big deal to lose a job whether by choice or by someone else's decision. However, it does not mean that you are in *any way* a failure that you've chosen not to stay on doing the same work for less money!
You know we're rooting for you, Poet. And you will make it through this hardship because you've got good support from your therapist, and you have strengths within yourself that you haven't yet learned to trust.
take good care,
partlycloudy
Posted by Dinah on July 2, 2005, at 9:57:54
In reply to Zero self esteem- I am a failure, posted by Poet on July 1, 2005, at 18:03:24
Well, you aren't ugly or stupid.
I tell you, Poet. I stay at a job that isn't good for me emotionally or physically because it pays well and I have flexible hours. I think that's pretty stupid of me. So I admire you for leaving the job from h*ll. I wish I had the guts.
This may not be your dream job either. I'm sure it really is upsetting to get a pay cut for doing the same work. Do you like what you're doing?
My therapist says that it's easier to find a job when you're already employed. You've got a job now, but that doesn't mean you have to stop looking for one that will fulfill you on more levels. It just takes the pressure off.
I do understand. I'm going through a heavy bout of self hatred myself right now. I understand that telling you that you are funny, and smart, and terrific in so many ways might not seep through.
But...
Hmmm...
I'm not sure what will help.
Can you share with us some things that you're really good at? Or people who really value you?
Posted by sleepygirl on July 2, 2005, at 13:08:33
In reply to Zero self esteem- I am a failure, posted by Poet on July 1, 2005, at 18:03:24
Ohhhh Poet!!
Sweetheart you're beating the crap out of yourself!! You are truly brutal toward yourself, even beating yourself up for beating yourself up. You really remind me of myself. It sounds to me like you're doing the best you can for now. You might be feeling helpless and hopeless because you're not where you want to be right now, but you won't be there forever. This may be of little solace I'm afraid. For me it's easier because YOU are the most important consideration in all of this struggle. I too am truly destroyed by work or my lack of it, but take heart, it's not the end of the line.
sending you supportive vibes,
-sleepy
Posted by fallsfall on July 2, 2005, at 13:11:50
In reply to Zero self esteem- I am a failure, posted by Poet on July 1, 2005, at 18:03:24
(((((((((( Poet ))))))))))
A big long hug (but not too close).
Please let it seep in that they like you enough to want to hire you full time. The pay cut stinks, though.
Posted by Poet on July 2, 2005, at 13:42:22
In reply to Re: Zero self esteem- I am a failure » Poet, posted by pinkeye on July 1, 2005, at 18:11:58
Hi Pinkeye,
I'm so glad I have babble, you understand why I am so filled with self hatred. Rebuilding my basic self makes sense, my T would love it if I would try to discover other things to base self esteem on. Note, I didn't say I would love it, I take some sort of perverse pleasure out of bashing myself any chance I get, don't I?
I'm sorry that you have bad self esteem, too. I hope you can work through it. Thanks for helping, I appreciate it.
Poet
Posted by Poet on July 2, 2005, at 13:45:05
In reply to You didn't fail me, posted by happyflower on July 1, 2005, at 21:56:08
Hi Happyflower,
Thanks for reminding me that I didn't fail at everything this week.
((((((((ANOTHER BIG GROUP HUG))))))))))))))
Poet
Posted by Poet on July 2, 2005, at 14:09:31
In reply to Re: Zero self esteem- I am a failure, posted by daisym on July 1, 2005, at 23:37:31
Hi Daisy,
I'm looking into that mirror. I would tell you that you need to put yourself first more often. You care so much about others that you don't allow yourself to feel that you need to be cared for, too. You are a wonderful mother and dedicated to your work, your family and the organization is lucky to have you. You are a great cook. I love your cyber chocolate chip cookies.
I will find a funny cartoon to hang at work. They should make cartoon tissue boxes so when I burst into tears at my desk I have something right there to try to make me laugh. Ts would probably like those, too. Maybe I should patent my idea?
What I can focus on at perm job is that most of the people in the office really seem to like me. The only baby step I can think of is that they discovered that I can do powerpoint presentations. Maybe that will lead to doing something I can be proud of. It's just hard for me to accept that I am the one making dinner reservations when I used to be the person being taken out.
Thanks for helping, I'd let you really hug me.
Poet
Posted by Poet on July 2, 2005, at 14:36:00
In reply to Re: (((((Poet))))), posted by All Done on July 2, 2005, at 1:42:12
Hi Laurie,
I'm not sure what it is I can do anymore. For the last year I've tried for jobs as a proofreader (my strongest skill.)
I know I should be happy that temp job is going perm, even with a pay cut, it's a steady paycheck. The people are nice, and not bullies like hell job was. They discovered that I am good at powerpoint presentations, so maybe that will change the focus of the job from low level admin support to something I am not ashamed of. I have award plaques and demo tapes (I was in public relations and video production in other career incarnations) that should remind me that I am talented no matter what I'm given to do. I just need to convince my negative brain of that. Damn negative brain cells.
I will keep looking for something that uses my proofreading and writing skills. My T says that I am so filled with self hatred that it comes out to the interviewers. Don't hire her, she hates herself.
I'd glad that you could see beyond my projected negativity when we met. Thanks so much.
Poet
Posted by Poet on July 2, 2005, at 14:43:22
In reply to Poet is not a failure!, posted by partlycloudy on July 2, 2005, at 9:46:48
Hi PC,
Witty, warm and brave are not on my resume, think I should add them? I can try to use them to push out the negative things. My T tries hard to get me to replace negative with positive.
I am going to stick it out a new perm job, but keep looking and hope that somebody recognizes my good qualities like babblers do. Though it might take years if I have to recognize them first.
Thanks for caring and being supportive and for seeing what I just can't.
Poet
Posted by Poet on July 2, 2005, at 14:56:06
In reply to ((((Poet)))) » Poet, posted by Dinah on July 2, 2005, at 9:57:54
Hi Dinah,
I don't like what I am doing at all, but I have to force myself to understand that a steady paycheck is a good thing. I will keep looking, but negative Poet says I will fail. I know, I am too hard on myself, my T said it for the millionth time in the last session.
I am good at proofreading and powerpoint presentations. I'm not sure what people would value me for, my friends would say I am fun to be with, though I really find that hard to believe. So I guess we'll start with proofreading and powerpoint.
Thanks for seeing beyond the negative lump I see myself as- maybe one day I will believe the nice things you see in me. I hope you believe the nice things I see in you, too.
Poet
Posted by Poet on July 2, 2005, at 14:59:09
In reply to Re: Zero self esteem- I am a failure, posted by sleepygirl on July 2, 2005, at 13:08:33
Hi Sleepy,
Thanks for the positive vibes, I really need them. I hope your job situation gets better, too. Keep some positive vibes for yourself, you deserve them.
My T told me again that I am too hard on myself, but I told her that I am honest, not hard. Maybe it should be honestly hard? Anyway, thanks for the support, it's very much appreciated.
Poet
Posted by Poet on July 2, 2005, at 15:03:03
In reply to Re: Zero self esteem- I am a failure » Poet, posted by fallsfall on July 2, 2005, at 13:11:50
Posted by Shortelise on July 2, 2005, at 15:56:29
In reply to Zero self esteem- I am a failure, posted by Poet on July 1, 2005, at 18:03:24
"He who loathes himself esteems himself as a self loather" Susan Sontag
I know this stuff so well, Poet, and I feel for you. We do fail ourselves. It's part of being human. That's hard to live with.
((Poet))
ShortE
Posted by Tamar on July 3, 2005, at 7:48:44
In reply to Zero self esteem- I am a failure, posted by Poet on July 1, 2005, at 18:03:24
((((Poet))))
I'm sorry you've been feeling so low. I wish I could think of something that would help you feel better.
I am familiar with the sense of defining myself by my work and finding myself wanting. It's horrible. I really hope you find a way through it. I'll be thinking of you.
Tamar
Posted by Poet on July 3, 2005, at 13:35:01
In reply to Re: Zero self esteem- I am a failure » Poet, posted by Shortelise on July 2, 2005, at 15:56:29
Hi ShortE,
I am definitely a self loather.
Failing ourselves is part of being human. My T told me that even if I had the perfect job I'd find another reason to beat myself up. I know she's right, but I so want to prove her wrong. More self loathing.
Thanks for understanding and or the great quote.
Poet
Posted by Dinah on July 3, 2005, at 13:38:39
In reply to Re: ((((Poet)))) » Dinah, posted by Poet on July 2, 2005, at 14:56:06
I hate to be cheerful, it's not in my nature. But I see a lot of positives here. You're surrounded by nice people who like you, and who already appreciate your powerpoint abilities.
It might be a good opportunity to work your way up to a position that will give your intrinsic job satisfaction, and you'll already have the satisfaction of knowing you're liked and appreciated.
I know in our company, they're always willing to let people work up to their potential. So if they show they're capable of more than they're hired for, they'll be happy to expand the job description.
The ability and creativity involved in writing and powerpoint demonstrations can also probably be used in other ways. And the attention to detail and concentration involved in being good at proofreading will also serve you well.
I think being with nice people who appreciate you is sooooo important. I think half my work problems are related to anger at what I percieved as insensitivity when my dad and my friend (who both worked there) died.
How much room for upward mobility is there with your company?
Posted by Poet on July 3, 2005, at 13:40:21
In reply to Re: Zero self esteem- I am a failure » Poet, posted by Tamar on July 3, 2005, at 7:48:44
Hi Tamar,
I hope I find a way through this, too. Career failure is why I got in therapy, three years ago. It's like I am permanently stuck in one of those mental ruts my T tries so hard to yank me out of.
What should Poet be that will make her happy? Even psychics couldn't answer that one.
Thanks for thinking of me and I'm sorry you also defined yourself by your work. What would make Poet and Tamar happy? Sigh.
Poet
Posted by Poet on July 3, 2005, at 14:07:30
In reply to Re: ((((Poet)))) » Poet, posted by Dinah on July 3, 2005, at 13:38:39
Hi Dinah,
Cheerfulness. I am worried about you ;)
You are right that being surrounded by people who like me is a good thing. Hell job everybody hated me and I was so miserable. Here the work is miserable, but the people are okay.
The parent company is huge, my department and what they do is very specific and small. Zero chance of anything in the office unless they create a new position. Maybe the guy I did the powerpoints for will need somebody fulltime. That's a little positive, right?
I also can search the intranet job postings, maybe something more brain challenging will become available near where I live. Marketing and PR are done out of state, and relocating is out, but maybe I am not destined to do them anyway. Sigh.
Thanks for being cheeful. I hope it wasn't too hard. I have to put on a smiley face and go to a fireworks party. Tomorrow another party. I just want to lie on the couch. Smile. smile. smile. Off I go, the life of the party. Ha.
Poet
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