Posted by Poet on July 1, 2005, at 18:03:24
I foolishly, stupidly, base all my self esteem on career. I beat myself up for weight gain and being ugly and stupid, too, but it's career failure that totally levels me.
I quit my job last year because I couldn't take the pressure and was in a major depression. It took me nine months to get a temp job which I've clung to for six months. Going in each week with the fear that the job will end on Friday.
Well, the temp job is ending. They have asked me to become perm. That should be a reason to feel good, but this job is not what I want to do and I make more money per hour as a temp. Perm is a $3 per hour cut in pay.
I can't risk not getting another long term temp assignment, so I accepted the offer and then went out to my car and cried. I cried all the way to therapy. I don't cry in therapy. I can cry at work, in my car, but where I can cry, never. Add that to failure, too.
I can't stop my negative brain from telling me that I should have stuck it out at my hell job because it paid good.
I am the queen of employment losers. I will reign forever until I die. I probably should have done that last year. I told this to my T, and she really does understand why I have zero self esteem and I probably frustrate her because she tries so hard to give me other things to base it on. I just can't. I told myself long ago that the right job will free me from being dependent and forced to do things I don't want to. It would free me. A depressed girl made it her reason to live. Made it how to get through really bad things. It was the light and now it is forever darkness.
My T knows all of this, and understands, but I am so frustrated and sad that I am pushing her away. Another failure.
Poet- Permanent Failure
poster:Poet
thread:522098
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050628/msgs/522098.html