![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on April 21, 2005, at 18:59:32
highly stressed - and no one to lean on.. have to move back to my country, and I don't want to. have to live with my inlaws and I don't want to. have to take up a job in the comapnies which I don't like. Hate the city where I have to move back to. Have to give up everything I worked for for so long. all because of my husband. and I hate him.
feeling there is absolutley no menaing in life if I can't have anything I want.
highly stressed.. and my arthritis pain has shot up.. not able to walk. hurts a lot.
Posted by Tamar on April 21, 2005, at 19:38:12
In reply to Stressed so much, posted by pinkeye on April 21, 2005, at 18:59:32
Does this mean you have made your decision? You have decided to go back to your country, even though it means leaving behind everything you're doing in the US?
If so, you are very brave. Making a decision like this is very courageous. However... you sound very unhappy about it.
Are you still thinking about letting your husband go back on his own, while you stay in the US?
Posted by pinkeye on April 21, 2005, at 19:48:29
In reply to Re: Stressed so much » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on April 21, 2005, at 19:38:12
I would love to let him go back and I could continue to stay here on my own. I have given him several possible alternatives - boht of us taking contractors jobs and working only for a few months in a year here and spending the rest of the time with his parents in our country etc.. The studid guy won't listen.. and his mother on top of it. I hate my country's culture where the daughter in laws have to listen to every mother in law's fancy whims. I am in such a bad mood today. she is a pretty good woman, but has strange ideas and she interferes in our lives so much. And my husband won't stand against her wishes. She wants us both to be together. And because of her stupid wish I have to compromise on my job, my savings, my Green Card evertything. And I can't even stay in the city of my choice if I go back.. I have to move to the city where his parents are, and I have tos tay in the same house.. Can't imagine anything worse could happen. And she will interfere in every thing.. from the way I dress to where I work, and how I visit my parents.. She is just going to make my life pure hell.
Only reason I am sticking to this marriage is that my husband is basically a good guy. And I actually like my mother in law and father in law. Only wish that they have some more sense. And I am very scared of divorce and having to live by myself.
Posted by Susan47 on April 21, 2005, at 20:24:28
In reply to Re: Stressed so much » Tamar, posted by pinkeye on April 21, 2005, at 19:48:29
You hate your husband and you like him but you haven't said you love him, I don't think.. do you love him enough to do this? Do you think you can make the marriage work under these circumstances which you feel are being imposed upon you?
Posted by pinkeye on April 21, 2005, at 20:42:45
In reply to Re: Stressed so much, posted by Susan47 on April 21, 2005, at 20:24:28
that has been the hardest question for me to answer to myself all this time. Do I love him? I don't know.. honestly. after this 4 years of marriage, I don't know if I love him. I do like him. And I am affectionate towards him and he is affectionate towards me inspite of our differences. And I always thought that is worth living in a marriage for.
But the problem comes when I have to sacrifice so much.. and I just don't want to. And I have to keep sacrificing more and more things.. That is what irritates me the most. But he takes good care of me when I am in pain due to my arhtritis.. but in a way all this conflict wiht him makes my pain worse in the first place.
He is also little pitiable.. He wanted to spend time with his parents from the start.. and I agreed to go back with him before marriage. And he waited for me for 2 yeras to get my Green Carrd.. Now he wants to move back, partly becuase his father is also getting sick. And I can't blame him. I just want to try to do a reasonable option - where we can spend 6 months in a year there and 6 months here, so I can preserve my residency for a few year so I can apply for my citizenship.
Posted by sunny10 on April 22, 2005, at 8:10:22
In reply to Re: Stressed so much » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on April 21, 2005, at 20:42:45
I, too, am under a great deal of stress right now, and I can't think of answers, either, but here's a big hug for you as it's all I'm capable of at the moment...
(((((((((((((((pinkeye))))))))))))))))))
Posted by PM80 on April 22, 2005, at 9:27:54
In reply to Re: Stressed so much, posted by sunny10 on April 22, 2005, at 8:10:22
It is not fair for him to expect/insist that yougo along with these plans when you clearly do not want to. If his father is sick, he can see him alone or live with your compromise of 6mo in each place. And living with the inlaws - is he nuts!?! If you do decide to go with him and live there, could you insist that the two of you live separate from his parents? It sounds like this is give-give-give on your part, and you are getting NOTHING from him. He needs to realize that you are person and have needs too. Your marriage will not work if you are miserable and forced to live with meddling in-laws(even though they are good people). You could explain that you like his parents, but you simply need your space. You are allowed to set boundaries in your life. Boundaries are healthy. His understanding in past situations are not part of the equation now. You have to live with these new decisions for a long time, maybe the rest of your life. You can stand up and fight for yourself - it is not wrong. You are entitled to a say in your life.
Yes, it is soooo hard sometimes. I'm sorry that you have to go through all this.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on April 22, 2005, at 10:02:46
In reply to Re: Stressed so much » Tamar, posted by pinkeye on April 21, 2005, at 19:48:29
(((pinkeye)))
Do you have children?
Posted by pinkeye on April 22, 2005, at 13:48:58
In reply to Re: Stressed so much, posted by sunny10 on April 22, 2005, at 8:10:22
thanks sunny. I know you are going through a hard time yourself. It is wonderful you took the time to respond.
Take care yourself.
Pinkeye
Posted by pinkeye on April 22, 2005, at 13:49:38
In reply to Re: Stressed so much, posted by Miss Honeychurch on April 22, 2005, at 10:02:46
nope. no kids as of now.
Posted by pinkeye on April 22, 2005, at 13:52:27
In reply to Re: Stressed so much, posted by PM80 on April 22, 2005, at 9:27:54
I have tried to give him all possible alternatives.. Including living in the same street as their parents in a separate house so we can just visit them on the evenings. That way, I will have both my privacy and he will get to see his paretns.
And to top it all, he didn't allow me to get my parents to come and visit me in the US even for couple of months. And now he expects me to go and live in the same roof with his parents. Can you imagine how mad I will be?
I have given him all possible options.. That he can take up a travelling job and travel frequently and I will even leave my job and accomapny him. This guy won't listen to any of it.
Everytime it happens like this.. I try to be very reasonable, but end up giving in just because he is a guy.. I hate my culture where they ask women to be like doormats. I just totally hate it.
Posted by sunny10 on April 22, 2005, at 14:15:45
In reply to Re: Stressed so much » sunny10, posted by pinkeye on April 22, 2005, at 13:48:58
Posted by PM80 on April 22, 2005, at 16:57:07
In reply to Re: Stressed so much » PM80, posted by pinkeye on April 22, 2005, at 13:52:27
If this how you truly feel, maybe you should divorce him. It sounds really harsh, and maybe even impossible, but how do you really want to spend the rest of your life? Besides the obvious location and in-law problem, your husband seems wholly unsympathetic to any of your basic human emotional needs. Is not feeling all alone for a time worth living the rest of your life with someone who will only see you as a doormat? Of course there are some good times with him, or you would not have married him, but it sounds like you are truly not happy in this relationship. It will not get better as time goes on; it will get worse. You don't have kids yet, so that is not chaining you to him. Relationships like this SUCK to the person who is the giver; I know because I was in one at one time. You always feel like if you just give a little more, try a little harder, are a little more "fair" in the relationship that he will love you and treat you like you believe he is capable of. That the flaw must lie as much with you as with him (maybe because you believe relationships are a two-way street). But that is not always true. Some people are just selfish. Some are narcistic. Some are selfishly manipulative, and nothing is ever their fault in their minds. It is always the other person. You cannot win in some situations.
Perhaps you should discuss with your therapist your feelings about this. If you do not have a T, I would definitely recommend seeing one, even if only for a few sessions. What is it you are looking for in this relationship? What needs are being met that you stay when you are so unhappy? What is right for YOU? Ignore him for a moment and think about what you want for your life. Who do you want to be? When/if you do have kids, what lifestyle do want them to have? Do you want their mother to always feel like less of a person than their dad and to never be happy - at best simply feel resigned to her life? When you are on your deathbed, what kind of life will have been without regrets?
Your life is about to change drastically either way. If you stay with him, you give up a life here that you like and you move back to where you escaped from (at least it sounds like you felt like it was an escape). You move in with in-laws that will dominate your life on a daily basis. But you are definitely not drifting about without direction; you are somewhat anchored in place, good or bad or terrible. If you leave him, you lose the only foundation you feel you have, but you get to keep the life you worked for, the life you wanted/want. You sound like a survivor to me. If you choose not to stay with him, you WILL be alright. Life will go on. And, my guess, is that you will learn how wonderful and resilient you really are.
Sorry this is so long, but I really feel for women (and men too, but I'm a woman so I relate better to women) who are in this kind of relationship. The woman is so aware that she is unhappy, that her emotional needs are not being met. She may feel like a horrible nag and feels justified, disgusted, and frustrated by the nagging. She feels that she shouldn't end the relationship because she is aware of the fact that relationships need work. She will lay out exactly what she needs from the man, he promises to deliver, then blames her when he does not follow through. She then feels bad and trys to do even better, but the cycle never changes and never ends. She nags or is too quiet or something else to try to assert some kind of control over her life and her emotions; to maintain some self-esteem, some self-respect. Occassional good times are held so precious by woman, she never wants a good time with him to end for fear of how long it may be until the next good time. I hate it; it is so frustrating to be that woman. We never have to be, but when you there it seems like the only world that exists.
So, my heart does go out to you pinkeye. I am so sorry that you are where you are right now. Words don't really express the anguish you must be feeling. If my post is too aggressive, I am sorry and not sorry. I want you to be happy. I want anyone who is unhappy, yet good at heart, to be happy in their life. You definitely have good in your heart, and you sound so brave. I don't think I would have the guts to leave my country and live and work elsewhere. There are so many shades of grey in the world, and I am not one to ever want to judge anyone. I know for a fact that good things can and do happen to people.
Posted by Susan47 on April 22, 2005, at 17:28:45
In reply to Re: Stressed so much (long) » pinkeye, posted by PM80 on April 22, 2005, at 16:57:07
What PM80 said is absolutely so wonderful, so true, Pinkeye. Can you talk to someone in your life, get some professional counsel to help you at this time, so that you feel confident in your options?
Posted by pinkeye on April 22, 2005, at 17:53:10
In reply to Re: Stressed so much (long) » pinkeye, posted by PM80 on April 22, 2005, at 16:57:07
Thanks so much for your post PM80. I appreciate it so much that you took the time to write.
I am very scared of divorce. And in my culture (Indian) it is not a common thing at all. In fact it is so very rare, and the blame is almost always on the woman who do it.
I am in the US now, I got my Green Card myself, and I work for a pretty good company and am self sufficient. I don't know why I really put up so much with my husband. But I am really scared of getting out of this marriage.
And I keep thinking he is basically a nice guy and it is all my fault. I keep thinking I am basically a very negative person, and I am not capable of being happy with whoever I am, that even if I love someone good, they won't love me back. And that I will be very unhappy no matter what marriage I am in. And I am really scared of living alone.
And these things are considered very small compromises in my Indian culture.. Women go to much more extents to please and tolerate their husbands.
But many times I am just so exasperated trying to convince him to do anything reasonable. For the last two years, he was into a religious cult.. and for one year he refused to have sex with me, because it was taught to him as a bad thing to do. Even now, he does not want to use birth control, so we never actually have intercourse - only just making out kind of stuff. I have been putting up with all these for the last 3 years. And his religious cult doesn't let him eat out, so we didn't eat out for the last 3 years.. And for 2 years, we didn't even see any movies together - because the cult was refusing him to do all that. And he objects me to wearing lipstick or make up.. There are tons of things like this. I ask myself many times why the hell am I giving all this up for him.
But then I get scared of living alone and a divorce and it is such a taboo in my society. And what if I get out - then what? Good men in my culture won't marry a divorcee. So I will have to stay all by myself, or end up settling for someone worse than him again.
I do go to a counsellor.. she pretty much tells me the same thing that you do. But I am so scared and afriad of being alone again. And I think my husband is basically a good guy.. stupid maybe, but good at heart. When I have my arthritis pain, he takes care of me very well.. he even carries me to the bathroom sometimes.. a few days when my feet hurts.. And he is naturally a happy person. I am not. That is why I think it is all my mistake.
Posted by pinkeye on April 22, 2005, at 17:56:22
In reply to Re: Stressed so much (long), posted by Susan47 on April 22, 2005, at 17:28:45
Thanks Susan. (read my reply to PM80 above if possible). My ex T used to tell me to come back to my country. And my current T also think it is a good thing for me to move back to my country so I will have more social support. I have spoken to both of them. And my parents also want me to come back now.
Posted by Dinah on April 22, 2005, at 20:30:41
In reply to Re: Stressed so much (long) » PM80, posted by pinkeye on April 22, 2005, at 17:53:10
Oh Pinkeye,
It's so difficult to separate out culture and personalities. It sounds as if his expectations are logical and reasonable in your culture. And that divorce wouldn't so much be divorce of him as divorce of the culture and values you grew up with.
It seems so clear to those of us who grew up with Western values. Of course women shouldn't be in a lesser position than men. Of course marriage should be a compromise. It is so hard for me not to have that knee jerk reaction.
But I know there must be beautiful things about the culture of your country that you probably feel those in the West have long since lost.
It's hard to divorce a culture, values, and a way of life.
I guess the question I'd ask myself is:
If I ever have sons, what cultural values would I like to teach them?
If I ever have daughters, how do I want their future to look?
If the answers come out looking like the culture of the country you were raised in, then you have to adopt that culture yourself. If you want something different for your children, you have to choose something different for yourself.
No one can make that decision but you.
But I think that's what I'd do. I'd spend time creating an imaginary little boy and girl, maybe a couple of each. Name and dress them in my mind, and help them grow up the way I'd like them to be.
The answers to the "now" so often depend on our wishes for the future.
Posted by pinkeye on April 22, 2005, at 20:55:51
In reply to Re: Stressed so much (long) » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on April 22, 2005, at 20:30:41
That is a good suggestion Dinah.
I think I myself am half *ssed - neither fully Indian nor fully Western.. that has been one of my problems for a long time. I think I will end up wanting to bring up my kids the same way like me. I don't believe in any affiliation to anything - culture, language or state or even country. Whatever feels good and is useful, I go by that. I like certain aspects about my culture - but not all of it. Same way I like certain aspects about western culture, but differ in certain things like too much individuality etc. That is why I am confused - rahter conflicted all the time. My husband is a hard core Indian guy - even worse than people living in India nowadays. That has been a hard conflict between us.
Posted by Dinah on April 23, 2005, at 0:02:25
In reply to Re: Stressed so much (long) » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on April 22, 2005, at 20:55:51
Well, and this is from personal experience, when kids enter the picture even minor differences in values can blow up into enormous obstacles. Major differences in values I couldn't even begin to fathom.
This has nothing to do with leaving or staying, or staying with your husband. But if you ever seriously contemplate having children, think of this man as their father interacting with them (and with you) every day and giving them messages on what it means to be a man, a woman, a person. If you have any major concerns, you might want to think twice about kids.
I have to confess to being an absolute tiger when it comes to kids, and especially my own.
Posted by pinkeye on April 24, 2005, at 12:51:28
In reply to Re: Stressed so much (long) » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on April 23, 2005, at 0:02:25
hmm. I know. When kids enter into the picutre it is going to be a much more of a roller coaster ride. God help me.
But I like this guy - inspite of everything. There are a whole lot of issues between us, and we get angry and frustrated at each other, but at the end of day, somehow we manage to remain affectionate towards each other. If I had had so much problems with anyone else, the relationship would have came to an end long long back. But with my husband, inspite of everything that has happened, we still manage to be quite unconditionally affecionate towards each other. That is what surprises me. Nowadays I am thinking maybe this relationship is just meant to be for us. He is a quite affectionate person, and I like that a lot.. He doesn't apply reasoning, evaluate my actions, think if I deserve it or not etc.. and I like that so much. My dad alaways used to judge me all the time. If I do something wrong, he wouldn't be affecitonate.. he would only criticize me.. And I used to hate it. Now with my husband, whatever tantrums I throw and however bad I behave, he seems to accept me. And I do the same for him. So that kind of keeps us together. And I feel he is somewhat a nice person at heart.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.