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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by 10derHeart on February 24, 2005, at 11:02:05
I don't get what's going on with me. Sometimes I can't even be sure something *is* even wrong with me, and if so, whether physiological, psychological, or both has become a mystery again. I'm so confused.
I had a wonderful T. who cared about me and still does. That is good.
I have a new T. I like whole a lot. Good, too.
My life is so much better overall - socially, spiritually, emotionally. Ok - good again.
I've reconnected with old friends who seem to need me as much or more than I need them.
In fact, yesterday I thought, I am very close to the level pinkeye describes in her recent posts. I could relate 98% to being able to say, "I am cured." Or at least say that in a bit of a different way for me, but mean essentially the same thing.
Or so I thought.
Then I have these *episodes*. Like two weeks ago, and now today. I just crumble. I cry and don't want to see anyone. Right this second I've turned off my phone and am not going to a really important birthday lunch for a dear friend. I can't believe I'm being so da*n rude and weak. How will I explain this? These friends, I think, are weary of me awkwardly trying to explain away short bouts of depression (IF that's what this is) as the reason I suddenly withdraw at times. They don't understand, I can tell. They look away and don't know what to say. I can't blame them. Most saw me just last night, and I was FINE. No wonder they don't get it.
I miss my old T. so terribly when this happens. It's worse almost, 'cause we are in touch, but it's a firm (though unspoken) rule we won't discuss stuff like this. At the same time, I do want to call new T., but I don't. Because it's not that bad. And what would I say? What do I want from him? I think just ...maybe...oh, nevermind, I can't even say it here. :-(
This is ridiculous. How can a person be so much better overall, yet have hours/days where they're so helpless and fragile? I can't even find the triggers any more, maybe that's the scariest part. I thought I *got* myself, and now, I just don't know.
Part of me knows this will pass. Feelings are just feelings. They're not my whole reality. Knowing they will pass just isn't enough at times, though. Because it leads to hours and hours of time wasted crying, avoiding, distracting, eating (or not) and sleeping. I hate myself like this.
Maybe it's plain old biology - neurotransmitters out of whack? I haven't been on an AD for over a year. Haven't wanted one or needed one. But now, who knows? I so don't want to go back there.
I guess I should be thankful these times are usually so short. So then I feel guilty knowing others feel so much worse. Is is okay to feel bad for yourself while at the same time knowing your pain isn't really so big, so deep or so bad? That's so hard to reconcile in my sluggish mind.
I'm so tired of being tired and disappointed and confused. Don't even understand why I'm posting except to get the stuff out of me and put it somewhere. Sorry. This probably makes no sense. Wish I could explain better, but that's seems part of the problem. Like the left side of my brain has taken a vacation, since all I seem to be capable of is feeling. Feeling bad. yuk.
Posted by Susan47 on February 24, 2005, at 12:05:52
In reply to Why Do I Feel Like This?, posted by 10derHeart on February 24, 2005, at 11:02:05
I'm excitedly reading your post and just wanted to respond to the first part, the bit about reconnecting with old friends and stuff and feeling "cured". I'm getting that, too. Definitely getting that, but sliding back all the time too. I'm going to keep reading... this is exciting...
Another thesis here, guys. This is happening to more than one of us. Same thing. Who helped who, and how? Ew, Susan shut up.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on February 24, 2005, at 12:20:46
In reply to Why Do I Feel Like This?, posted by 10derHeart on February 24, 2005, at 11:02:05
10derheart,
I think we all go thru these episodes, I know I do. And you're right, knowing they will pass is many times not enough.
Like you, I'm not on medication, and I think many times it might be harder for us to get over these humps.
I do 2 things when I get like this. Exercise til I drop (to relieve stress) and read self help books, mainly Albert Ellis. O and I eat cake. That helps :)
Posted by Susan47 on February 24, 2005, at 12:34:28
In reply to Re: Why Do I Feel Like This?, posted by Miss Honeychurch on February 24, 2005, at 12:20:46
I like your coping strategy. Sometimes, I forget to cope. There's an element of self-care in learning coping skills and when I'm really in a downswing I don't understand the first thing about self-care. Just bump into walls all day.
Posted by Susan47 on February 24, 2005, at 12:47:51
In reply to Why Do I Feel Like This?, posted by 10derHeart on February 24, 2005, at 11:02:05
>
> Or so I thought.
>
> Then I have these *episodes*. Like two weeks ago, and now today. I just crumble. I cry and don't want to see anyone. Right this second I've turned off my phone and am not going to a really important birthday lunch for a dear friend. I can't believe I'm being so da*n rude and weak. How will I explain this? These friends, I think, are weary of me awkwardly trying to explain away short bouts of depression (IF that's what this is) as the reason I suddenly withdraw at times. They don't understand, I can tell. They look away and don't know what to say. I can't blame them. Most saw me just last night, and I was FINE. No wonder they don't get it.
>
Oh man I go through that with my friends, too. It doesn't seem to matter how much they love me or care about me, the concern for me is always there just under the surface. And it changes the way they relate to me. Funnily enough, though, I have friends of the other kind, friends who've been through/are going through/have other friends or relatives who've been through traumas, or have mental illness, and we do understand each other and our expectations of each other are very low, but also very loving. Maybe you could to cultivate a more diverse circle of friends? Would that help, do you think, 10derheart?
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on February 24, 2005, at 13:32:36
In reply to Re: Why Do I Feel Like This? » Miss Honeychurch, posted by Susan47 on February 24, 2005, at 12:34:28
One of the main things I have come away with from therapy is believing (and I have to say this to myself several times a day) that:
I am responsible for keeping my emotions healthy
Now that I place all of the responsibility on myself for making sure I am at least functional, I have to employ coping strategies, even though all I want to do is wallow.
My T is big on the responsibility thing and I must say it has worked well in that when I do backslide, I try to consciously employ techniques to help myself out.
Posted by pinkeye on February 24, 2005, at 14:02:02
In reply to Why Do I Feel Like This?, posted by 10derHeart on February 24, 2005, at 11:02:05
Hi 10derHeart,
I believe, there is no "Happily Ever After" kind of thing in real life - in anything.. not in marriage, not with kids, not with work and definitely not with life and therapy.
So if you are expecting yourself to feel perfectly happy and blissful after you reached a certain stage of cure, that is a mistaken belief.
When you said I described myself as cured, I only said I kind of got the basic things all worked out and dealt with - there are no major blocks or hurdles in my way anymore. It is like saying I landed an important job. But then, there is the remaining part of doing well on the job, and keeping it and progressing further.
I am expecting for myself, that there will be times I will feel depressed and kind of regress a little back, but I know that I will be able to pick myself up if that happens. And I have decided to have some support in the form of therapy for my lifetime perhaps.. maybe go and check in with a therapist once in a month or something like that.
As long as you feel the basic framework of your life is completed, and that you will be able to either pick yourself up out of short bouts of depression or get help, I think you be fine.
Also since we go through several incidents in our lives, it is perhaps not very realistic to hope for a 100 % perfect mental health. As long as you keep yourself above the 75 % or some mark you set for yourself, you should be fine.
Allow yourself to feel down whenever you need to.. only make sure you pick yourself up.
Pinkeye.
Posted by messadivoce on February 24, 2005, at 16:01:47
In reply to Why Do I Feel Like This?, posted by 10derHeart on February 24, 2005, at 11:02:05
My dear 10derheart,
Honestly, I don't think anything is wrong with you, except that you are human. I understand the wanting old T when things feel terrible...it's a reminder of that old vulnerable place that you were in before. Only this time, they aren't there to sit with you. It feels unbelieveable empty, I know.
So you are human. And as Lewis Smedes wrote (loosely paraphrased), "Thank God that you are human." When I feel pain I try to remind myself that if my ability to be in pain were taken away, then I wouldn't be able to feel joy over my relationship with my fiance, or gratitude and love towards my former T's. It's such a tradeoff. Of course that doesn't make it *feel* any better in the midst of it, I know.
I know what you mean about triggers...sometimes there isn't anything apparent (although we do have a full moon tonight). :-) Amazing how just a little something can bring back the longing for old T. This morning I found an appt card my desk from T2. An appt that I never had b/c of my sudden termination. But when there is no trigger, I sometimes wonder if these events, these people, are imprinted so deeply on us that sometimes they just surface. I feel as though T1 has left fingerprints on my life, and they will remain forever, even though I saw him for 8 short months. And with that comes the expectation that sometimes I will miss him so terribly that I feel sick and empty. Isn't it the price we pay for loving people, after all?
About friends. This has been a struggle for me too, because there aren't a lot of people who understand how feelings can change so quickly. I've had weekends when people were calling me and leaving messages, and I didn't have it in me to pick up the phone and call them back. Some of them understand. Some don't. Luckily I have 2 who really bear with me, and who I can call and cry to when I need to do that. I hope you have that too. I've found that people are generally understanding...we all have crap to deal with. But those who truly *understand* can be hard to find. Which is why I read Babble.
I know you don't want to call new T, but when you see him again I hope you talk to him about it. I hope you can articulate what you want from him, even if you aren't able to do it here. But I fully acknowledge that he cannot replace old T...he belongs in a new niche in your life.
I hope you take care of yourself. Post more if it helps.
Voce
Posted by Susan47 on February 24, 2005, at 16:48:56
In reply to Why Do I Feel Like This?, posted by 10derHeart on February 24, 2005, at 11:02:05
I just want to give you a big hug, I know how you feel. I feel exactly the same way some days. I'm having a disjointed day today, yesterday and all week I think I was doing okay, or better anyway, I think I've been getting a handle on myself, my emotions and everything, and today it all feels like it fell apart. I can't think, don't want to eat, everything I just want to curl up under the covers. Except last year I actually did that and now I'm not actually going to that extent. Is that better? And I think I hurt my ex-t with my phone calls sometimes, and I just want to give him a big hug too.
(((My ex-T, even though he'll never see it, my feeling is there)))
(((10derheart)))
Posted by Dinah on February 24, 2005, at 20:17:16
In reply to Why Do I Feel Like This?, posted by 10derHeart on February 24, 2005, at 11:02:05
I don't think I'll ever understand why it happens. But I accept that it does. I wonder if once we've felt deep depression once if our bodies get sensitized to it or something. And even if we don't completely crash, we have these little episodes afterwards.
Posted by 10derHeart on February 24, 2005, at 21:14:08
In reply to Why Do I Feel Like This?, posted by 10derHeart on February 24, 2005, at 11:02:05
Thank you, thank you, thank you. You are all so wonderful. I was in tears by the time I got through your posts (Voce, you put me waaay over the edge, dear) - but those are my *good*, cleansing, "maybe they don't think I'm a complete whining baby and idiot," kind of tears.
I've had lots of water, a nap and better food. I feel more steady, though numb. (Funny, my T. asked me yesterday - rather out of the blue - if I was physically and emotionally exhausted, and I brushed him off) I want to respond to each of you, but tonight I may just rest and go to bed. Insomnia has been crippling lately.
In the past few hours, big surprise, I think I've realized several things that probably triggered this. And they are so obvious, I could just laugh at myself - if my laughing muscles were working. I promise I'll share them when I've got a little more energy later.
I love you guys. Do you know when emptiness, stress and confusion set in, causing me to post in frustration like that, how healing it is to come to this board and see these responses? Of course you know. Leaves me overwhelmed with gratitude and wanting to hug all of you at once... (((SusanMissHoneypinkeyevoce)))
(Uh, can you all breathe in there, you're kind of all squished together...? (hey, is that my sense of humor creeping back weakly? oh my, I've missed that)
PS - My sweet daughter turned 23 today. She knows some of how I was feeling, and in her wonderful, direct, confident, practical way offered this, "Mom, maybe you just feel so bad because mailing me things and being on the phone aren't good enough, or what you want. You really miss me a lot on my birthday and don't realize it, but it's coming out anyway?"
Smart*ss? Or just darn smart?
Posted by 10derHeart on February 24, 2005, at 21:19:52
In reply to Re: Why Do I Feel Like This? » 10derHeart, posted by Dinah on February 24, 2005, at 20:17:16
Yes, Dinah, that sounds right. It's a big part of the depression puzzle, no doubt. I think maybe my brain, could it talk, might say, "oh yes, I know this stuff, I know what *we* did before, here, let's do it like that again..," Silly, stubborn brain.
Feel free to jump into group hug (if you want to) with other lovely Babblers - see post just below. (there *might* still be room...;-))
Thanks for reading and sharing.
Posted by Susan47 on February 25, 2005, at 1:08:52
In reply to For Susan, Miss Honey, pinkeye, Voce..., posted by 10derHeart on February 24, 2005, at 21:14:08
Very, very smart. Like her mother. (wink) We love you too. I'm not feeling too squished at all, anybody feeling squished in here?
Posted by Susan47 on February 25, 2005, at 1:11:48
In reply to Re: Why Do I Feel Like This? » Dinah, posted by 10derHeart on February 24, 2005, at 21:19:52
Yes, when I read Dinah's post I thought, yes, she's right, she's onto something with this idea. Going further with that, I'm wondering if maybe all our emotional experiences are like that .. feel it once, deeply, and bang, it's easier the next time, then the next, and the time after that suddenly it's happening closer together ... something has to break the cycle. Can we do that?
Posted by Dinah on February 25, 2005, at 14:53:35
In reply to Re: Why Do I Feel Like This? Dinah and » 10derHeart, posted by Susan47 on February 25, 2005, at 1:11:48
That's one thought of what therapy is. A way to experience good things and make them easier and easier to experience.
Posted by Dinah on February 25, 2005, at 14:54:19
In reply to For Susan, Miss Honey, pinkeye, Voce..., posted by 10derHeart on February 24, 2005, at 21:14:08
Posted by Susan47 on February 25, 2005, at 15:09:40
In reply to Re: Why Do I Feel Like This? Dinah and » Susan47, posted by Dinah on February 25, 2005, at 14:53:35
Yes, maybe that's why I've internalized my therapist's voice. He must've been able to give me that, a good experience (smile).
Posted by 10derHeart on February 25, 2005, at 15:35:40
In reply to What a wonderful daughter. You must be proud. (nm) » 10derHeart, posted by Dinah on February 25, 2005, at 14:54:19
Yes, I am. Extremely. She's a huge blessing to me, her husband and everyone she knows.
This is the end of the thread.
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