Posted by 10derHeart on February 24, 2005, at 11:02:05
I don't get what's going on with me. Sometimes I can't even be sure something *is* even wrong with me, and if so, whether physiological, psychological, or both has become a mystery again. I'm so confused.
I had a wonderful T. who cared about me and still does. That is good.
I have a new T. I like whole a lot. Good, too.
My life is so much better overall - socially, spiritually, emotionally. Ok - good again.
I've reconnected with old friends who seem to need me as much or more than I need them.
In fact, yesterday I thought, I am very close to the level pinkeye describes in her recent posts. I could relate 98% to being able to say, "I am cured." Or at least say that in a bit of a different way for me, but mean essentially the same thing.
Or so I thought.
Then I have these *episodes*. Like two weeks ago, and now today. I just crumble. I cry and don't want to see anyone. Right this second I've turned off my phone and am not going to a really important birthday lunch for a dear friend. I can't believe I'm being so da*n rude and weak. How will I explain this? These friends, I think, are weary of me awkwardly trying to explain away short bouts of depression (IF that's what this is) as the reason I suddenly withdraw at times. They don't understand, I can tell. They look away and don't know what to say. I can't blame them. Most saw me just last night, and I was FINE. No wonder they don't get it.
I miss my old T. so terribly when this happens. It's worse almost, 'cause we are in touch, but it's a firm (though unspoken) rule we won't discuss stuff like this. At the same time, I do want to call new T., but I don't. Because it's not that bad. And what would I say? What do I want from him? I think just ...maybe...oh, nevermind, I can't even say it here. :-(
This is ridiculous. How can a person be so much better overall, yet have hours/days where they're so helpless and fragile? I can't even find the triggers any more, maybe that's the scariest part. I thought I *got* myself, and now, I just don't know.
Part of me knows this will pass. Feelings are just feelings. They're not my whole reality. Knowing they will pass just isn't enough at times, though. Because it leads to hours and hours of time wasted crying, avoiding, distracting, eating (or not) and sleeping. I hate myself like this.
Maybe it's plain old biology - neurotransmitters out of whack? I haven't been on an AD for over a year. Haven't wanted one or needed one. But now, who knows? I so don't want to go back there.
I guess I should be thankful these times are usually so short. So then I feel guilty knowing others feel so much worse. Is is okay to feel bad for yourself while at the same time knowing your pain isn't really so big, so deep or so bad? That's so hard to reconcile in my sluggish mind.
I'm so tired of being tired and disappointed and confused. Don't even understand why I'm posting except to get the stuff out of me and put it somewhere. Sorry. This probably makes no sense. Wish I could explain better, but that's seems part of the problem. Like the left side of my brain has taken a vacation, since all I seem to be capable of is feeling. Feeling bad. yuk.
poster:10derHeart
thread:462668
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050218/msgs/462668.html