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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 42. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by messadivoce on February 14, 2005, at 23:58:31
I found a message on my answering machine from my T today. She asked me to call her ASAP and something in her voice did not sound right. She left her home phone #, which was strange. She is always in the office on Mondays.
So I called her. She told me with some difficulty that she was informed (I think on Friday) that her position as director of counseling services at my unversity has been "re-organized." She suddenly no longer has a job there. She was reluctant to say who had made the decision, although it sounded like it was an even higher authority than the director of the health center. It didn't sound to me like there was a falling out - they were simply "moving in a different direction."
She told me that she requested one more week to say goodbye to her clients and was told "absolutely not." She asked what would happen to us, and was told we would be "taken care of." She didn't want me to learn the news through someone else or get a letter, which was why she called me herself. She is concerned for me because I went through this with a T last year. "I don't want you to feel abandoned," she told me. I didn't know what to say. It seems so unreal.
I no longer have a T. It's now sinking in, and as it settles, I feel lonlier and sadder every minute. Could I start over with someone else? Sure. But I don't think I can do it. I cannot simply pour out my heart to a human being, and then exchange her for someone else. She did not replace my old T, and no one will replace her. I feel so alone, so stranded. I don't know how to finish the work we began. I still have questions for her. I still need her.
The only good news in this whole mess is that she wants me to feel free to call or e-mail her if I need to, even though she can no longer offer me offical therapy. But if I need to dialogue with her in the future I can, although how that will work I'm not sure.
She was obviously very sad and upset with this whole thing, and I can tell she wants me to be okay. I know she's concerned. As for me, I just feel left in the cold again. Why does this keep happening? Why does this have to hurt so much?
I don't know what to do.
Posted by 10derHeart on February 15, 2005, at 0:26:14
In reply to A Bombshell, posted by messadivoce on February 14, 2005, at 23:58:31
Oh Voce,
Your subject line made my stomach churn and since I am dealing with insomnia I was still up to read your post....
This totally sucks(can I say that?) I'm so sorry this new curve has been thrown at you. You must feel just awful. I was just thinking of you a lot and kept meaning to Babblemail you. Listen, I do have some questions and some possible tiny comforts or at least thoughts, but I have to go to bed right now 'cause I have a test in 7.5 hours. I will definitely post more tomorrow. I promise.
You will figure out what to do and we will help you, okay? For right now, I'd say go ahead and rant and rave, cry, feel life is totally unfair and whatever else comes up. Lord knows you're entitled. Hang on. (((((Voce)))) --10der
Posted by daisym on February 15, 2005, at 0:43:38
In reply to A Bombshell, posted by messadivoce on February 14, 2005, at 23:58:31
I'm so sorry. You have every right to feel devastated. Is she going into private practice? Maybe you could see her another way eventually.
I'm impressed that she called you. This must be incredible hard on her too. It feels very irresponsible of the health center. At the very least, you should write a letter about how they are effecting your treatment.
I wish I knew what else to say. Just know how badly I feel for you.
Posted by Susan47 on February 15, 2005, at 1:05:54
In reply to A Bombshell, posted by messadivoce on February 14, 2005, at 23:58:31
How awful for you and for her, it must be quite bad if they won't allow her to say good-bye, "Absolutely not" is very firm, isn't it? Whatever caused this must be quite serious.
I hope you're going to be okay. It's good that you can call or email her, thank goodness for that.
I hope you get it all worked out.
Posted by Dinah on February 15, 2005, at 4:01:38
In reply to A Bombshell, posted by messadivoce on February 14, 2005, at 23:58:31
That just stinks.
Are you tied to the agency so that if she ends up somewhere else you won't be able to see her?
At any rate, it's a rotten attitude to have towards clients on the part of the agency, if she's describing it accurately. I think you should complain and possibly educate them about how therapists are not like washing machines, and you can't substitute one for another that easily.
Posted by thewrite1 on February 15, 2005, at 11:54:32
In reply to A Bombshell, posted by messadivoce on February 14, 2005, at 23:58:31
I can't imagine going through this more than once. You have had a rough go at it. At least it sounds like your T is really upset about it. I can't imagine a place letting someone go without even letting them try to wrap things up/say goodbye to their clients. That's really dumb.
Hopefully in time you will be able to see someone else. I'm really sorry for your loss. *hugs*
Posted by pegasus on February 15, 2005, at 12:04:40
In reply to A Bombshell, posted by messadivoce on February 14, 2005, at 23:58:31
Yikes! That's about the worse termination story I've heard so far. I wonder if that type of "reorganizing" of a counseling center is even legal, considering the ethical obligation of therapists to not abandon their clients. Obviously your T is concerned about you, which must feel good. But . . . oh my . . . I don't even know where to begin. I just ache for you. You have every right to be devastated. Is there any chance you might be able to channel some of it toward communicating with the counseling center, to let them know how this is affecting you? And maybe remind them of the ethical obligations of therapists? This is really quite outrageous treatment of a set of clients. Callous . . . even cruel.
I hope you're doing ok. Please keep posting, and let us know how you're handling it. You have all of my sympathy and support.
pegasus
Posted by B2chica on February 15, 2005, at 13:44:18
In reply to A Bombshell, posted by messadivoce on February 14, 2005, at 23:58:31
(((((((((((voce))))))))))))
So sorry for this loss. i can't say anything other than what has been said already....is she going into private practice?? that would be great.-but i am stunned that they cut her off so quickly...in this field especially, wouldn't they consider this a traumatic event being so abruptly taken away? not allowing 'closure'?
But think...what a great one she is that she called you. she cares.
hang in there.
sorry you had to go through this.b2c.
Posted by pinkeye on February 15, 2005, at 14:08:09
In reply to A Bombshell, posted by messadivoce on February 14, 2005, at 23:58:31
Oh I am really sorry for this. It is so bad and I know it must hurt like hell. Good that atleats your T is sensible enough to let you call her or email her. Leaving a T is just about one of the worst things that can happen and if it is so drastic is even worse. I am really sorry that this happened.
But do hang in there, atleast know that your T is not responsible for this mess. She has been extremely responsible. That way you are fortunate. Maybe you can meet her for a coffee or something and do a proper termination or ask to use her email/phone call support while you find a new one and bond with her. I am sure she will agree - she seems quite good.
Posted by messadivoce on February 15, 2005, at 14:39:58
In reply to A Bombshell, posted by messadivoce on February 14, 2005, at 23:58:31
I decided to call the health center and try to talk to someone--I wasn't going to wait for them to call me. I spoke with the lady who was brought in to supervise this change, and she was very nice. She told me that this sudden decision was the end of a 2 year process that suddenly came to an end. She made it sound like my T had the option of staying and providing therapy, but that doesn't sound like what my T told me on the phone yesterday. I was able to be reasonable to her b/c she was NOT the one who made this decision.
Apparently this was very unexpected for everyone, and beyond that the details are fuzzy. She promised to contact me later today or tomorrow when she knows more.
So who's giving me the real story here? Could my T have stayed, and if so, why didn't she? I would tend to trust her more, but right now I just don't know. I'm trying not to freak out until I get more details, but I just can't stop crying.
I don't want to end up caught in the middle--between student life or human resources, and my T, who I trust more than this bureaucratic mess. I want to be loyal to my T, but at the same time, I need to know why she left.
I'm trying to go to work, to class, to keep myself together. I went to work this morning, but I felt so terrible I had to leave. I slept for awhile. I just feel so sick, so weary, so incredibly heartsore. This feels so much worse than when I lost my first T. I had time to grieve with and for him, to talk about it. This time I don't even have that.
I have 90 minutes to pull myself together and eat lunch before my next class. Thank you all so much for your support. You guys have been truly phenominal. Thank you.
Posted by pinkeye on February 15, 2005, at 14:50:51
In reply to An Update, posted by messadivoce on February 15, 2005, at 14:39:58
I am really sorry for all this thing that you have to go through. For now, just don't even try to think about it. I am sure you will find a way to get closure on this a little later and will be able to come to accept whatever happened. And you will be able to find a new T and bond with the new person. Just hang int here for now.
Posted by gardenergirl on February 15, 2005, at 14:56:53
In reply to Re: An Update, posted by pinkeye on February 15, 2005, at 14:50:51
Oh my, this situation is a nightmare. I'm so so sorry you are going through this. I'm also glad your T called you to tell you personally. I'm wondering if perhaps she was invited to stay as a staff therapist, but not as the director. Wasn't she the head of the department? I could be mistaken. That may be why she isn't staying. It would be difficult to suddenly be demoted and work for someone else.
At any rate, I'm glad you called. More power to you for being proactive. You must have some inner strength there. Use it and nurture it. That, your support system and Babble will get you through. We're here for you.
Hugs if okay.
Take extra gentle care.
gg
Posted by Shortelise on February 15, 2005, at 15:06:19
In reply to A Bombshell, posted by messadivoce on February 14, 2005, at 23:58:31
Voce, I hate that this has happened. I am so sorry.
ShortE
Posted by Speaker on February 15, 2005, at 15:37:07
In reply to Re: A Bombshell » messadivoce, posted by Shortelise on February 15, 2005, at 15:06:19
Posted by Dinah on February 15, 2005, at 17:38:07
In reply to An Update, posted by messadivoce on February 15, 2005, at 14:39:58
It's a rotten situation, and I'm sorry it had to affect your therapeutic relationship. What an awful situation to be in. Especially since I take it that you're a student and don't have much flexibility to follow her should she establish herself elsewhere.
Posted by 10derHeart on February 15, 2005, at 17:59:32
In reply to A Bombshell, posted by messadivoce on February 14, 2005, at 23:58:31
Posted by pinkeye on February 15, 2005, at 18:08:13
In reply to An Update, posted by messadivoce on February 15, 2005, at 14:39:58
I can give you one advise which I do to get better. I had to let go of my therapist about 3 weeks ago. I had and still have huge attachment to him - and it is still extremely hard for me to think that I won't be seeing him or writing to him anymore. But I decided to reach out to others who are in need - participate and help people more in babble, and try to reach out to other people also, to compensate for what I lost with him. The kind of care that he gave me - I would never be able to get it anywhere, and I would always miss it, but I have decided to give it to others myself - to wahtever extent possible. That helps me immensely in coping up with my loss. Maybe you can do something like that.
Posted by shrinking violet on February 15, 2005, at 18:19:20
In reply to An Update, posted by messadivoce on February 15, 2005, at 14:39:58
Oh, I'm so sorry this is happening. Your T sounds very caring and devoted. I hope you can find out "the real story" soon, and heal from this pain you are now in. At least you are able to contact your T again, if you need to....I hope that provides at least a small measure of comfort to you. My heart goes out to you. Please take care.
Peace,
SV
Posted by mair on February 15, 2005, at 21:37:08
In reply to Re: An Update, posted by pinkeye on February 15, 2005, at 18:08:13
pinkeye, what a lovely sentiment.
Mair
Posted by pinkeye on February 15, 2005, at 21:45:07
In reply to Re: An Update » pinkeye, posted by mair on February 15, 2005, at 21:37:08
Thank you. It is extremely hard for me to go on without my old T. I became so attached to him. That is why I am trying to figure out ways to go on. And actually he was the one who suggested this kind of helping others, so I cannot take credit for that either :-)
Posted by mair on February 15, 2005, at 21:49:09
In reply to An Update, posted by messadivoce on February 15, 2005, at 14:39:58
This is awful, but it somehow seems like there has to be more to this story because it was so abrupt. Clinics do know that Ts aren't interchangeable and the piece of this that is so mystifying is that she was totally cut off so quickly.
By the same token, I'm not sure anyone is going to tell you the whole unadulterated truth, and I'm not sure how much comfort the truth is going to give you.
I think you need to do whatever seems right to take care of yourself.
I can't remember if you said - how long had you been seeing this T?
Mair
Posted by crushedout on February 15, 2005, at 22:01:47
In reply to An Update, posted by messadivoce on February 15, 2005, at 14:39:58
Voce,This all sounds horrible and I don't know what to say. The silver lining is that it's clear your T cares so much about you and is willing to still be in touch. I'd make use of that. I'm sure she means it.
The other potential silver lining is that it really is possible to find someone else. I find it hard to believe I'm saying this, but not too long ago I would barely *consider* the possibility of starting over, and now, as much as I miss my ex-T, I'm growing closer to this new one, and appreciating what she brings to the table (which is different from what my ex-T brought -- in some ways better, and in some ways not as good).
Basically, what I've learned through this (and through other experiences in my life) is that we have an infinite capacity to love and appreciate people, and each opportunity to do that with someone new is truly a good thing.
None of that takes away the pain of losing someone special, though. So allow yourself to grieve and know that we all really are here for you.
((((((((voce))))))))))
Posted by messadivoce on February 16, 2005, at 2:15:12
In reply to Voce, I Babblemailed you. (nm) » messadivoce, posted by 10derHeart on February 15, 2005, at 17:59:32
Posted by LG04 on February 17, 2005, at 1:27:44
In reply to Re: I sent you a babblemail (nm) » 10derHeart, posted by messadivoce on February 16, 2005, at 2:15:12
since she said you can call her, why don't you try that? can you tell her you still need to talk to her about some things, about how devestated you understandably feel, that you need more time to adjust to this, etc.? can you work out a way to speak with her once a week or something on the phone for a while and you can pay her something?
i had to terminate prematurely with my therapist (because i moved, a totally different situation than yours) but it was still so painful for me and now we talk on the phone and i pay her, and it has been very helpful for me in dealing with the loss of seeing her. so that's why i'm wondering if this method might be helpful for you also?
she seems to understand how painful this must feel for you and expressed her availability to you in other ways (phone or email). i think that is encouraging and maybe it would help you to make use of that.LG04
Posted by Susan47 on February 17, 2005, at 10:03:23
In reply to Re: I sent you a babblemail » messadivoce, posted by LG04 on February 17, 2005, at 1:27:44
I have a friend who talks to her therapist by phone halfway around the world, once a month and it really seems to help her. It doesn't seem to matter, sometimes, how you keep the connection as long as you make it that seems to be the important thing.
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