Posted by messadivoce on February 14, 2005, at 23:58:31
I found a message on my answering machine from my T today. She asked me to call her ASAP and something in her voice did not sound right. She left her home phone #, which was strange. She is always in the office on Mondays.
So I called her. She told me with some difficulty that she was informed (I think on Friday) that her position as director of counseling services at my unversity has been "re-organized." She suddenly no longer has a job there. She was reluctant to say who had made the decision, although it sounded like it was an even higher authority than the director of the health center. It didn't sound to me like there was a falling out - they were simply "moving in a different direction."
She told me that she requested one more week to say goodbye to her clients and was told "absolutely not." She asked what would happen to us, and was told we would be "taken care of." She didn't want me to learn the news through someone else or get a letter, which was why she called me herself. She is concerned for me because I went through this with a T last year. "I don't want you to feel abandoned," she told me. I didn't know what to say. It seems so unreal.
I no longer have a T. It's now sinking in, and as it settles, I feel lonlier and sadder every minute. Could I start over with someone else? Sure. But I don't think I can do it. I cannot simply pour out my heart to a human being, and then exchange her for someone else. She did not replace my old T, and no one will replace her. I feel so alone, so stranded. I don't know how to finish the work we began. I still have questions for her. I still need her.
The only good news in this whole mess is that she wants me to feel free to call or e-mail her if I need to, even though she can no longer offer me offical therapy. But if I need to dialogue with her in the future I can, although how that will work I'm not sure.
She was obviously very sad and upset with this whole thing, and I can tell she wants me to be okay. I know she's concerned. As for me, I just feel left in the cold again. Why does this keep happening? Why does this have to hurt so much?
I don't know what to do.