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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by fluffycat on December 13, 2004, at 23:02:09
Hi,
I told my pdoc that I have feelings for him. I'm not always good at hiding things from those I respect and trust but I guess I really just wanted to clear the air, mostly, for myself.
I meet with my T tomorrow, but I was curious to hear opinions from others who have experienced this on the following things, if anyone minds sharing.
I told him one reason I was afraid to bring it up was b/c I didn't want to seem unprofessional. I guess I meant I didn't want to cross any boundaries. He seemed kind of perplexed by this and asked why? Strange question, in my mind. Am I supposed to be crossing boundaries? I usually err on the side of caution. Boring, eh?
Also, he told me he had 'suspected' my feelings. Thing is, I never flirted, wore provocative clothing, asked personal questions, etc. He agreed I didn't do anything even 'remotely' untoward. I only recently developed these feelings. So, what made him 'suspect', I wonder? There was nothing to suspect. It almost makes me think, "what an ego," in response but I know I'm just hurting right now.
*Thanks* for reading, I guess I'm just trying to sort some junk out in my mind.
Posted by messadivoce on December 14, 2004, at 0:54:27
In reply to confessional confusion, posted by fluffycat on December 13, 2004, at 23:02:09
Hi,
It's nice to see you posting. Well I'm no expert in this whole thing, but I've learned a lot from the kind souls on this board and I'm sure they will give you great advice. But since you've asked for an opinion, I'll give you mine to the best of my ability.
I can relate to the desire not to cross any boundaries. I think you did the right thing though, and were very brave in telling your feelings to your pdoc. Does he do therapy with your or just help with meds? Sorry I don't know much about pdocs.
At any rate, I don't think you've crossed a boundary at all. In my experience, feelings of attraction are the stuff that Ts and pdocs use in the therapy to help get to the core issues. I have my own long transference/attraction story with my former T and we dealt openly with my feelings for him. Your pdoc asking why you had the concern of boundary crossing says that he's not put off by your feelings and probably thinks they're natural.
As for what made him suspect, I really don't know. The best pdocs and Ts have a 6th sense about these things (mine did even though I was much like you--no skanky clothes, no personal questions, etc.). But what is important to remember is that the burden of keeping the relationship professional falls mostly on him, not you. You're just playing by the rules of therapy, that is, to disclose what you're feeling.
I'm glad you're seeing a T and I hope you can deal with what you're feeling with your T. I hope that they are able to help you with this. I would also reccomend an excellent book--a tried and true one--about this kind of thing. It's "In Session" by Deborah Lott. If you haven't already read it, I think you might find it helpful. My copy is dog-eared (and water damaged from leaving it on the bathroom floor and then the shower leaked).
Okay, please let us know how you are doing, and you'll be in my thoughts for sure.
Voce
Posted by 10derheart on December 14, 2004, at 2:27:20
In reply to confessional confusion, posted by fluffycat on December 13, 2004, at 23:02:09
I think you were extrememly brave to just tell him like you did. It takes some months or longer to work up to it, and some never do. Especially since I'm guessing you don't have as close, and perhaps as trusting, a relationship with pdoc as you do with your T. I think this is quite difficult for all T's (or pdocs). His slightly odd reaction may just be his way of coping as he first hears something he knows is delicate and important. Just a bit of background...I had a wonderful pdoc who checked meds and sort of checked on how my therapy was progressing w/my actual T. for abut 18 months. Then (long story)my pdoc took over all therapy and I saw only him. We had a wonderful rapport and I developed major transference and/or feelings of love and attraction toward him. I so badly wanted to tell, so we could deal with it all in the open, but I was frozen and too scared to do it. Finally, 2 days before my LAST SESSION, I gave him a letter where I spelled it all out. (well, maybe not every private thought {blushing} but enough so he got the point there wasa big crush/transference/love issue. He was fine with it, I could just tell, although not exactly eager to discuss it. But, in his defense, it was the last session, he knew I was terribly sad, and we only had 55 minuntes. We never did get to properly process that, unfortunately. I think what you did and the timing, is excellent. Sounds like something to surely take up with your T.
This is a link to the book Voce mentioned,"In Session", also at the top of this page. It's a FANTASTIC book, as you can see by the fact Babblers place it #1. Please try to get your hands on it. I, too, have reread parts of it many times and it really helps. You hang in there and keep inspiring us with your openness and courage. Bravo!
Posted by Joslynn on December 14, 2004, at 8:59:58
In reply to confessional confusion, posted by fluffycat on December 13, 2004, at 23:02:09
Sounds like this went well for you. Now that it's out in the open, it may even dissipate naturally.
My guess is that he sounded perplexed when you said you didn't want to seem unprofessional because it is his job to worry about himself being professional. In this relationship, you are not the one who has to worry about crossing boundaries or being professional, because you are not the professional in this relationship (though you may be a professional in your job and so on). So maybe by being perplexed he really meant, why would you worry about that when it is my job? He may have meant it in a reassuring way, as if to say, don't worry, I will be the professional and you don't have to worry about those boundaries because I have it covered.
Congratulations on being honest.
Posted by Joslynn on December 14, 2004, at 9:15:11
In reply to Re: confessional confusion, posted by Joslynn on December 14, 2004, at 8:59:58
I wonder if pdcos receive the same training in transference, the therapeutic alliance, etc. that Ts receive. Or is med school so busy they don't cover that?
The reason I wonder is, my pdoc made some self-disclosure slips about his personal life, including marriage and kid problems. I now realize that is a pretty basic therapy DON'T which you can read about in any therapy book or web site. He apologized profusely when I brought it to his attention and said he shouldn't have done that, but I wonder if he truly was not trained in that because med school focuses more on the body etc.?
Posted by Daisym on December 14, 2004, at 10:39:17
In reply to I wonder..., posted by Joslynn on December 14, 2004, at 9:15:11
I'm guessing he slipped. When people have bad days and they are comfortable with someone, stuff comes out. It might have been said before he realized who was benefitting...him!
I think this is Psych 101 stuff -- disclosure is a hotly debated topic. Pdocs must have the same basic classes. I just don't think they use it enough to remember it.
I know a number of MDs who tell me they took a pediatrics course but remember none of it because they don't use it. So they ask ME about stuff.
Posted by Daisym on December 14, 2004, at 10:43:45
In reply to confessional confusion, posted by fluffycat on December 13, 2004, at 23:02:09
Do you feel any relief in telling?
My therapist tells me not only is it a good thing to feel attached to him but it is absolutely essential for healing. I still was mortified the first time we ever talked about how strong my feelings were for him, even though they are COMPLETELY maternal.
I agree with what everyone else said about it being his job to hold the boundaries and not yours. I also am the kind of client who wants to do everything right, like help him hold those boundaries! He may have been asking that question to try to get you to look at your own prohibitions.
I know it must have been hard to do this. You were very brave!
Posted by fluffycat on December 14, 2004, at 13:38:13
In reply to Re: confessional confusion » fluffycat, posted by Daisym on December 14, 2004, at 10:43:45
***Thank you*** everyone for the very supportive posts. I'm glad to know I did the right thing. We usually only discuss meds and side effects; this was the first time we talked about my feelings on anything (other than as side effects from meds) so I was a bit blown away by that aspect (as in, he really wants to know these details? wow). I was so nervous when I went in that I had to let him know, though I kind of let him drag it out of me.
>He may have been asking that question to try to get you to look at your own prohibitions.
That's an excellent point. You know, I sincerely wish he were my T, to be honest. I've been wishing that for a while, but I assume he doesn't do therapy. Maybe it would be too wierd for me.
Ah well, off to T in a few hours, we'll see what comes out of it.
Thanks again--what a friendly, supportive board this is!
Posted by fluffycat on December 14, 2004, at 13:43:30
In reply to Re: confessional confusion, posted by 10derheart on December 14, 2004, at 2:27:20
Thanks for letting me know about that book (both you and messadivoce). I saw it at the top of the page a while back and requested it through my library, so hopefully it will be here soon. (I love the library system.) I'm glad to know it will be very useful. :)
Posted by fluffycat on December 14, 2004, at 13:52:11
In reply to Re: confessional confusion, posted by Joslynn on December 14, 2004, at 8:59:58
>So maybe by being perplexed he really meant, why would you worry about that when it is my job? He may have meant it in a reassuring way, as if to say, don't worry, I will be the professional and you don't have to worry about those boundaries because I have it covered.
I'm sure you're right. I'm still learning what it means to be in therapy/recovery and still have some issues of 'letting go' and trusting others.
Posted by fluffycat on December 14, 2004, at 13:54:12
In reply to Re: confessional confusion, posted by fluffycat on December 14, 2004, at 13:52:11
Posted by fluffycat on December 14, 2004, at 14:05:55
In reply to Re: confessional confusion » fluffycat, posted by Daisym on December 14, 2004, at 10:43:45
>Do you feel any relief in telling?
You know, I do, even though it still hurts some. I'm thankful for being involved in a process where I can be open and it's OK. It's something completely new to me.
This is the end of the thread.
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